It will happen again

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This is my very first poem so I'm not sure if it's any good. It's about one of the nightmares I used to have a year ago. They used to scare me to death.


"Panic", says my mind.
"Stay calm", I whisper back.
Even though I know the signs,
I'm still numb from previous attacks.

I remember the last time,
When panic rose inside me.
I'd told myself, "I'm going to be fine",
But I just wanted to flee.

Instantly then, the roof disappeared,
Revealing to me the daunting night sky.
Everything happened, precisely as I'd feared.
The clouds roared and began to terrify.

I lay gasping on my bed,
Shifting myself to get up and run
When a pair of hands grasped my head,
And left me more or less frozen.

I was screaming and shouting,
But no one came to my aid.
My throat went sour,
And everything began to fade.

I woke up, completely out of breath.
Trying to calm my mind was useless.
I didn't dream at all for several nights.
Still, I feel like this will happen again.

-I would really appreciate reviews-
Last edited by Twinkle4ever on Sun Aug 28, 2011 4:34 pm, edited 3 times in total.
You can wish for death... but you can't wish it away




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Hi! First off, I like the subject of this poem. Everybody has bad dreams ( I know I have ), so it's something a lot of people can identify with.
However, I do find issue with the rhythm of this poem. The first three stanzas are fine, but when I read the fourth stanza, the change in rhythm threw me a little bit off track.
Another thing: don't get too concerned with rhyming. Poetry shouldn't be confined to the usage of certain words just because they rhyme when there are other words which are much more effective and will add life to the piece.
Other than that, I think you have the potential for an awesome piece here. Keep writing!
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James




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I like your idea for the poem. It's quite different to all the other ones I've read lately, like a breath of fresh air.
Unfortunately I have some issues that I thought I should point out.

Panic, says my mind.
Stay calm, I whispere back.
Even though I know the signs,
I'm still numb from the previous attacks


Ok, whispere should be whisper. The rythym goes well until the fourth line where there are too many syllables. Try to shorten it, take out a few words or change them so it fits with the rest of the paragraph.

I reminisce the last time,
When panic grew inside me.
I told myself, I am going to be fine,
While actually, I just wanted to flee.


Reminisce is a good word, but not appropriate for the emotion you're trying to convey. Reminiscing is peaceful and relaxing. Maybe use a word like recall. In the third line you don't need the comma there, and maybe change I am to I'm to keep the rythym flowing. Again with the last line, you need to shorten it a bit. A suggestion is something like "But I just wanted to flee."

Instantly then, the roof disappeared,
Revealing to me, the daunting night sky.
Everything happened, precisely as I'd feared.
The clouds roared and began to terrify.


Not too much to say about this paragraph except that I really like it :)

I lay on my bed,
About to shift or run,
When a pair of hands grasped my head,
Leaving me either stunned or frozen.


The rythym doesn't work in this paragraph. The first two lines are short and the second two are long. They need to either have the same amount of syllables in each line, or it could go long, short, long, short.

I was screaming and shouting,
Crying and pleading.
Then when no one came to help me,
My mind started drifting.


Sorry but this didn't make much sense to me. You were freaking out and suddenly your mind just started drifting? Maybe try to word it differently.

I woke up, completely out of breath.
Trying to calm my mind, but it was useless.
I didn't dream at all for several nights.
Still, I feel like it will happen again.


A nice ending.

Sorry if I was a bit harsh. I actually wuite liked it. I just wanted to give you some ideas to make it better :)
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NerdBurga




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Hiya :)

So first off I have to say that I'm no good at reviewing poetry, so bear with me lol.

Overall, I thought this was really good ^_^ It reminded me a lot when I used to have nightmares. I used to get them a LOT a couple of years ago. Anyways, your description of the fear it caused, and how you felt like you couldn't go back to sleep because you would be haunted again were very believable to me.

The first stanza was probably me favorite. For some reason, it really hooked me.


I remember the last time,
When panic grew inside me.
I told myself I'm going to be fine,
But I just wanted to flee.


Technically, I don't know if there should be a comma after 'time'. Because you wouldn't really write 'I remember the last time, when panic grew inside me.' You would write it without the comma. At least that's how I would do it, but I'm not an expert on punctuation within poems. I don't even know if there ARE and rules, since it's such a freestyle form of writing x)

The thing that threw me off was that the last two stanzas didn't have a definite rhyme scheme, when all the other ones did. They just didn't quite match the rhythm you had going on. Although it ended on a great note (Still, I feel like it will happen again), I felt like the rhythm was lost a little bit. The poem's still awesome as is, but if you wanted to edit this still, I'd try to rethink the last couple of lines.

So I hope this helped! This was awesome ^_^
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The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
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I liked it, I thought it was really different and creative.
But I thought the rhythm was really off. Like some lines would have a definite one and then I'd get to the next line and I would stumble just because of the lack of constant rhythm. I guess it just didn't really flow well.
Like a suggesting for the first part would be instead of previous attacks, I would say past attacks.
And the second part I would say "I told myself self that I'd be fine/When I just wanted to flee"
I don't know, I could be totally messing it up, or that just might be my writing style talking, but It's just my opinion.
Otherwise, I really did like it! Keep it up!
"I am still so naive;
I know pretty much what I like and dislike;
But please, don't ask me who I am. A passionate, fragmentary girl, maybe?

-Sylvia Plath




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Great poem! Love the flow,the words and especially the feel!

I love how you start off with the conversation with you and your mind. The fact that the readers do not know what your mind is going through, but feel your physical responses to surrender yourself asleep. The sequence of events is spot on! The ending really reveals the vulnerability in the dreamer and how unpredictable the dreams can form. You are very talented, I cannot believe this is your first poem! It is truly beautifully written.




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Panic, says my mind.
Stay calm, I whisper back. You could use quotation marks here, don't have to, but you could.
Even though I know the signs,
I'm still numb from previous attacksPeriod?

I remember the last time,
When panic grew inside me.Good, but you could find some more emotional way to word this. Grew inside me just isn't very scary...
I told myself I'm going to be fine,I'm going, are you telling us about the past? It should be I would be fine, or I was going to be fine.
But I just wanted to flee.

Instantly then, the roof disappeared,
Revealing to me, No comma.the daunting night sky.
Everything happened, precisely as I'd feared.Good job.
The clouds roared and began to terrify.Began to terrify, I don't really like how that is worded, it sounds awkward.

I lay gasping on my bed,
Shifting myself to get up and run
When a pair of hands grasped my head,
Leaving me more or less frozen. And left would sound better.You've done a good job of hooking the reader's interest.

I was screaming and shouting,
But no one came to my help. Take out my, or change help to aid.
My throat went sour,
And I heard my mother yell.I think you completely forgot about your rhyme scheme at this point.

I woke up, completely out of breath.
Trying to calm my mind, but it was useless.Maybe just say, trying to calm my mind was useless.
I didn't dream at all for several nights.Like this line!
Still, I feel like it will happen again. You could say this instead of it. That would make it less vague and more clear that you are describing a nightmare with this poem.


So, all in all, I love this, it's personal and everyone can relate. Keep writing, and I hope my review was helpful.
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka

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Hello xD

First of all, for a first timer, Good job! :'D
I'm very proud of you and I really mean it.
Just tiny mistakes here and there.

Maybe with punctuation and comma mistakes.

"Panic", says my mind.
"Stay calm", I whisper back.
Even though I know the signs,
I'm still numb from previous attacks.-Punctuation. There has to be full-stop.

I remember the last time,
When panic grew inside me.
I told myself I'm going to be fine,
But I just wanted to flee.

Instantly then, the roof disappeared,
Revealing to me,No comma needed. the daunting night sky.
Everything happened, precisely as I'd feared.
The clouds roared and began to terrify.

I lay gasping on my bed,
Shifting myself to get up and run
When a pair of hands grasped my head,
Leaving me more or less frozen.This line seems wrong. I don't know where but it just doesn't sound right.

I was screaming and shouting,
But no one came to my help.
My throat went sour,
And I heard my mother yell.

I woke up, completely out of breath.
Trying to calm my mind, but it was useless.
I didn't dream at all for several nights.
Still, I feel like it will happen again.



Awesome Job!
Well Done! You must write more poems and when you do, please inform me.
A wall post will be enough ^^

PM whenever needed! I shall keep in touch xD

Cheers and Love,
Cookie or LM.

*Hugs you*. You deserve that for writing such good poems :')
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"Panic", says my mind.
"Stay calm", I whisper back.
Talking to himself, huh.
Even though I know the signs,
I'm still numb from previous attacks.

First things first, when you want to make a narrative poetry; you must tell...or show to the readers about the place and time of the story is being set, so that we, the readers, can determine quickly that you're telling a story at the same time you're also being poetic. Second, I don't quite understand when you told us that he is numb from his previous attacks. What happen to him, really? does he's being chased by a monster or a maniac, and what signs does he know? It's not specific enough to stand on its own, unless this is being answered by the next stanza. Last, these stanzas doesn't caught my attention (except the first line) because you only used stale words, which attempt to sound bland, unattractive and cliche. Add something fresh to grasp our minds such as "Depths of my thoughts linger me when nightfall came." something like that.

I remember the last time, Why a sudden change of tone? You somehow disrupt the tremble feeling as we continue reading your poetry. In order to make the flow go, it's better to omit these part to keep the intense feeling prospers itself. You should also remember the most important when making a poetry is to engage a feeling itself. But if you wanna keep it that way, you can revise this line into more sensible way so that it can completely blends with the previous stanza.
When panic rose inside me. This one is good! keep it.
I'd told myself, "I'm going to be fine", "time" and "fine" doesn't fit well. I think I like it better in this way, "I blather myself, "I'm not gonna whine."
But I just wanted to flee. Why he wants to flee? what happen to him? I'm completely hang in there for not giving us the complete details. You should elaborate more of this line, think about it.

Instantly then, the roof disappeared, I don't like this line. It sounds awkward
Revealing to me the daunting nightsky. Placing two adjectives at risk make it sounds chunky and loss of taste in poem. In addition, we already know night is a sky so you don't need to tell us about that.
Everything happened, precisely as I'd feared.
The clouds roared and began to terrify. The clouds roared and began to terrify? why? I don't completely understand what you mean by that? What happen, anyways? Likewise, is this the only thing you're terrified of, that the sky is turned upside down? what happen to your surroundings, are there stumbled trees on the road, are there heap of birds flutter around the night, or are there people screaming for help? there must be other things to add some drama better than this.

I lay laid gasping on my bed,
Shifting myself to get up and run
When a pair of hands grasped my head, you don't need comma here because the continuation is on the next line.
And left me more, or less frozen.

I was screaming and shouting, screaming Why you need to use the terms for "shouting" when you could repeat the word "screaming" itself. And in my opinion, I'd go in this way, "I am screaming and screaming until I can no longer breathe." to add some rhyme, it's up to you how you will do it.
But no one came to my aid.
My throat went sour,
And everything began to fade.

I woke up, completely out of breath.
Trying to calm, my mind was useless.
I didn't dream at all for several nights.
Still, I feel like this will happen again.




I intend to use "he" in the critique to separate you from the poetry, and also to avoid confusion when I'm talking to you as a writer and as a protagonist.

This poetry is very short to describe everything about your dream. There are things you didn't explained or described to us in his predicament such as his feelings and his surrounding. Since you used first POV, I was expecting dramatic or more intense to totally placed myself in his situation--well, there are some stanza work out and some are not. In addition, do not tell us in the first place you remembered something. Why? to engage an intense feeling towards the readers, you can even surprise us that this is only a dream in the last stanza. No one would expect that, really. That's all I can say for now. I'd suggest you read song ballad poetry; it was prominent to be a narrative poetry. Check out other poet's technique and apply what you've learned, and most of all, keep writing!
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