Shade- The First Immortal - chapter one

I'm happily revealing the first part of my first novel: Shade- The First Immortal. This is the first thing I write since a script I did in 5th grade so its probably not that good, please comment so I can improve.

I opened my eyes only to shut them tight. It's still dark outside, which means that it's still early. I have a stupid biological alarm clock, it wakes me up early, and I have nothing to do while I wait for the sun to rise and school to begin. As I slowly come to my senses, I hear the alarm sound. Its wailing cry chills me to the bone, but doesn't fill me with fear. The city where I live came under firing range last year, so the alarm doesn't really scare me anymore. I've had six years to get used to the idea of being shot at, so when the moment of truth comes, I have no fear.
I sigh and walk towards my window. There's not much chance that I'll be able to see the rocket from here, but I've got nothing to lose.
It started eight years ago, I have no idea about what, but I'm pretty sure that it's about freedom. They shoot rockets at us we shoot back and that’s how it all goes for eight years and with every year, the missile range extends and more helpless we become. But we aren't the only ones being helpless, those rockets often hit open fields and seldom have victims except for panicked citizens or broken properties, so it's quite idiotic, useless ongoing subdued war. Well, the rocket should've fallen by now but I didn't hear that; I get closer to my window in order to try to see if it fallen somewhere and I simply didn't hear it and what do I see? It's pointed towards me, fuck. But as I watch more carefully, I see that its tail is raised too much high in the air and that its losing momentum fast, it won't fall on me but about one hundred meters from my building. That's too close, too risky; it was a stupid risk to stay in my room, because if that rocket would hit I'll be dead for sure, but you know what? I don't care, I've got nothing to lose if I die, I don't care to live or die, but I won't commit suicide because of what it'll do to my parents. I return to my bed to catch some sleep before morning comes.

I really liked the description, and how the story flowed in such a beautiful way. One little nit pick

Another rocket is on is way

It should be, "Another rocket is on it's way." But, other than that it's perfect. Keep on writing!

i like this alot. but its a lil short. a few lil mistakes but that happens. i want to read more

Hello there, Grim. I'm Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your story today.

First off, the line 'The city where I live came under firing range last year, so the alarm doesn't really scares me or something' doesn't seem to make sense. I suggest change the second half of the sentence to "so the alarm doesn't really scare me anymore'. Makes more sense, right? Also, I suggest making your chapters a bit longer. This one is really, really short for a chapter. But it's okay, practice makes perfect. Other than that line, there isn't really any more mistake that haven't already been pointed out.

As for the overall feel of it. It's intriguing, and if it was longer, I'm sure more people would read it. Besides, I like it. It was short, but it really drew my attention in. But it also raises a lot of questions. Why are there alarms for bombs? Why is the city being bombed? Who's bombing who? What the heck happened to world for it to end up that way? What happened eight years ago? You give us a snippet of story but don't really explain anything, if you know what I mean?

I suggest you expand on this, give us more information on what's going on, set the scene. I think you get what I'm saying. Basically, this is an idea. And it's needs something more to turn it into a story. That's a good thing, though. Some of my stories are actually based on half-remembered dreams. A few of which are now finished novels. Unedited and unpublished, but finished.

Hope this helps. Thank you very much for the wonderful snippet of story. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!

~Scar.

Hey, Grim This seems interesting, I'll probably follow through with the next chapter since this was just a teaser.

I see that this is going to be a post-apocalyptic type society, where everything's been nearly blown to heck. Anything can happen next x)

I kinda wish this chapter was longer, though, and that you had more visual description rather than getting straight to explaining the state of the world. Like, if you had your character get up and walk to the window first before heading to his computer, you could describe more of your world.

Another rocket is on it's way.

And I hate to correct a correction, but I think this should be 'Another rocket on its way'. The only time you use the apostrophe form is when you are using the contraction 'it is'.

Anyhoo, I'll see you for the next chapter!

I have one little nit-pick that the others didn't mention. In the first sentence, it says "I opened my eyes only to shut them tight." You need a comma in between eyes and only so that it would read, "I opened my eyes, only to shut them tight." Other than that, I thought that it was pretty good. I can't wait to read more and find out more about your story and your characters.

Xreigon

As I slowly come to my senses I hear the alarm starting, its cry creepy and makes you fill with fear.

here, you change into second person by saying 'you'. You're actually talking about yourself filling with fear, so I would re-word it like this:
As I slowly come to my senses, I hear the alarm sound. Its wailing cry chills me to the bone, but doesn't fill me with fear. The city where I live came under firing range last year, so the alarm doesn't really scare me anymore. I've had six years to get used to the idea of being shot at, so when the moment of truth comes, I have no fear.

I sigh and walk towards my window. There's not much chance that I'll be able to see the rocket from my window here (just to not repeat 'window'), but I've got nothing to lose.
It started eight years ago, I have no idea about what, but I'm pretty sure that it's about freedom.

But we aren't the only one ones being helpless, those rockets often hit open fields and seldom have victims except for panicked citizens or broken properties, so it's quite idiotic, useless ongoing subdued war.

I like this version much better than your last one. I get a bigger picture, and I can feel your main character's presence. I like how you explained that this all happened eight years ago, and how it's basically been pointless, subdued war since then. I feel like your character has almost given up on the situation, feeling like he doubts this will ever come to an end. It definitely made a statement at the end when he decided to stay in his room and sleep, even though he knew it would be very dangerous to do so. He said he would not commit suicide, but the fact that he is thinking about it and purposefully putting himself in these dangerous situations says something else about him, too.

Overall this was great, I will definitely read the next chapters as they come out. Thanks so much for the update, and I'm glad you're taking the time to revise this because I really do think it is an amazing story and has a ton of potential.

Have you been to the Knowledge Base here on YWS? I learned a lot about how to write there, with the articles on grammar and punctuation and all that. If you scroll all the way to the bottom of the screen, you'll see it in a blue link under the white Writing Resources. If you can't find it, let me know I really recommend it for people who would like to become better writers.

Have an awesome day,
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