The Story of Casey's Life

Spoiler

Okay Guys! Surely, this ISN'T my best :O And I so feel bad about it but I felt really pity for girls who die to the short story which I just wrote. T_T God Bless Them All <3

Please tell me the mistakes. There might be TONS! Also this might be a little cliche. Please read

Casey McCoy was just a girl who was aged 18 and born on 4th April. Her parents accepted the way God made her or what else could they do? They tried to change her but failed to. Casey’s life was ruined and spoiled.

Casey when she was aged 8-11:

She was the most obedient little child among the 3 siblings. Her parents loved her for what she did and was. Casey always helped her mother with chores and father with the office work. Her siblings, Cathleen and Cameron were very jealous of her. They threatened her by saying “If you help Mom and Dad again, we’ll make bad stories of you and we’ll make them believe.” But all Casey said was “I love them…” Her neighbours, cousins, aunts and uncles were very proud of her and loved her the most. Casey was a bright student and a class topper. She had good friends and a good behaviour. She wanted to be the same way her whole life because she was loved and she loved everyone too.

Casey when she was aged 12 and 13:

Adored by all, Casey loved her life but slowly started to go on the wrong path. Risking her life, she started making friends with kids who wanted to be wannabe’s and starting loving the life of becoming a wannabe. During exams, she would always help her new friends and her old behaved friends would just feel pity for her. Casey McCoy had now changed. She had started hanging out with guys too and soon over to dating.

Casey when she was aged 14 and 15:

Teenage life had begun and her gang now made new plans. They were 14 and some 15. Now, they needed a change. Casey created the most worst idea that was hanging out in the beach which the wannabe’s thought was an ‘excellent’ idea. While dating, they decided they would watch movies and convince the guy to go to the beach and have their romantic nights.

Casey when she was aged 16 and 17:

They were all becoming ‘Sweet 16’ as they call it. They next decided to make other plans and forget the plans, which were made when they were 14 and 15. One of Casey’s friend Margaret, told them an suggestion, which everyone of the wannabe gang loved. It was that they could go to bars, clubs and maybe flirt with hot guys, get drunk in parties and many more. Casey just adored Margaret’s idea and hi5’d her.

One day, she came home, all drunk and half conscious. Her mother was confused and asked “Darling, what happened? You seem tired. Do you want anything?” Casey looked at her mother with half opened eyes and smiled “One bottle of Bacadi! Do you have?” Her parents and siblings were shocked to hear what they just heard. Cathleen, her sister asked, “Surely she must not be drunk? “ Casey without realizing said “ Yes! Yes, I am! I am drunk and on drugs! Amazing experience… You must try it! “ Her father who loved Casey the most was speechless. The one thing that was running through his mind was sending Casey to rehab.

When Casey heard she was going to be taken to rehab, she screamed and pleaded not to send her there but her parents didn’t have any other choice. They were going to send her whether she liked it or not.


Casey came home after 6 months from rehab. She was a new Casey like she had just been re-born. She had her good habits again and her parents were happy to see her back. When she was at school, her friends always asked where she was and Casey always replied “I had a surgery for 6 months and was admitted in the hospital. “

Casey when she was aged 18:

It was her first year at university and to her surprise, all her wannabe friends were there. She was extremely happy to have them in the university but they surely were not.

Casey refused all invitations from her friends when she was 17. Her friends were pretty annoyed with her for refusing all of them and decided to do something cruel to her.

While Casey was in the washroom fixing her hair, all her wannabe friends came in too and started talking with Casey sweetly like a good friend. Suddenly, all the 5 girls slammed Casey to the wall and in a second, they drugged her. They all just laughed wickedly and one wannabe said, “ We need Casey. If she starts being all goody-goody, you know what will happen. We’ll just have to kill and boss has always said ‘no more crimes.’ She’ll be all right by tomorrow. “ They all just nodded and left.

Next day, Casey was the same old girl. She had got her dirty habits again. “The rehab was just a waste! ” she thought. Her friends were delighted to get her back.

One night, Casey and her wannabe friends organized a hangout at the most popular club, ‘Avenue Knights’. Casey was so excited that they had got free passes to the club so she was definitely going to wear one of her gorgeous clothes ever! She wore a dark purple tube top and a shiny black mini-skirt. She put on accessories and high-heeled boots. She sneaked out of the house and just in time her friends were there to save her.

They reached ‘Avenue Knights’ where the disco light was shining and the citizens were pumping in their dance moves. Casey hugged Margaret, her best friend of the wannabe’s for giving everyone free passes to the club. They went in to the bar and got drinks and started dancing like it was the end of their life. A random guy came closer to Casey and took her around the waist. He pulled her into the couch near by and started flirting with her but at the same moment he was trying to drug Casey badly. She always hit away his hand when the syringe came near her arm.

He asked Casey “ Hey, what are you doing? Don’t you like getting high? “

Casey just frowned and replied “ You know what? Just forget everything. I’m out of here.”

She pushed the guy from her body and walked out of the club. Boy, that’s the first good thing she’s ever done after her teenage but the guy was furious and followed Casey out of the club. Casey heard footsteps back of her and turned to look. It was him.

“What do you want from me?” pleaded Casey.

“I want you!” said the guy.

Casey tried to escape but it was too late. He had got her wrist and slapped her three times. Furiously, he took out his Swiss Knife and killed her and burned her into ashes. Casey McCoy’s life ended at that minute.

Her parents, relatives, neighbors, cousins, aunts and uncles loved her dearly but boy, were they wrong! Her wannabe friends didn’t even care because they just thought it was worth it.

I pray to God for girls who have been killed by drugged boys and never let it happen again. Not only Casey’s life but a million girls have been killed in clubs and either they’re burnt or cut into pieces. The world is dangerous and some people don’t understand the cautions.

Casey McCoy was just a girl who was aged 18 and born on 4th April. Her parents accepted the way God made her or what else could they do? They tried to change her but failed to. Casey’s life was ruined and spoiled.

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Okay, what do you think? Let your reviews flow in!!!

Hello lakshmi!

Let me just give you my overall impression before going into details...let's start with the up, shall we? Now, for starters, I'd say the method you used to present the story, in flashbacks, was brilliant! Normally, things like this gives the readers a nice full-view of the charachters life, in a short-story. However, I'm sorry to say that, yours didn't quite do that bit Don't get me wrong, your storyline was touchy but...it didn't quite leave the mark, if you know what I mean? I see your story has a GREAT potential to become an astonishing literary piece, but...well here were the very few mistakes I could point out...

The way you introduced the main charachter was abrupt.

Casey McCoy was just a girl who was aged 18 and born on 4th April

You're making, yourself, as a narrator, sound lazy, unenthisiastic and plain. The story teller is the one who stirrs the audience into reading and not drive them away from it. The use of the phrase

just a girl

isn't quite right. It may have been put in this way

Casey McCoy, an eighteen year old girl, born on fourth of April

And you are elaborating a story, not just telling the readers what you think; as such your line

God made her or what else could they do?

I'd suggest working on mending the first two lines because, I personally felt it wasn't very good for the starting.Your story was like jumping pictures and I couldn't hold on to many of them! It passed too fast, as though you were stating facts and jumping away like you had to catch a train!!! Slow down a bit sweety! And I don't get it though...This girl, Casey, was in rehab and came out all fine and cool; then she goes to university and has all the gut to decline her 'bad' friends requests but once they drug her, she just...gives up the fight? That easily? Doesn't she have emotional frictions or something? I need you to make the readers feel her pain and emotions. I'd rate emotional expression as a big 'ZerO' for you (sorry to say). In this story, you've failed to blend in and capture the readers attention (that is a very important thing i being an author!)

I had to read this line thrice before I got the real meaning

Risking her life, she started making friends with kids who wanted to be wannabe’s and starting loving the life of becoming a wannabe.

The correct and smooth form would be

Risking her life, she started making friends with kids who wanted to be wannabe’s, starting to love the life of being a wannabe.

I hope the meaning still stays the same Your piece lacked the 'flow', it lacked 'smoothness'. I suggest you work on puntuations and grammar, alittle bit

And honey...The ending was WAAYYYY too ABRUPT! It's so abrupt that...it's kinda disturbing, to me. Show the reader how the surrounding was, or why she decided to storm out on the guy who killed her? Why wasn't any of her friends there to help her when he killed her and burned her? These questions trigger the mind after reading your story. To be honest, I'd say this story could have been Excellent, if you'd taken a bit more time into developing the story for your readers and added more emotions and not just fact-stating approach. That's it for my review! Take care!

Hey! Lakshmi,

As the story goes, the plot and message behind it was brilliant. I liked the way you narrated the whole (although short) life of a girl whose actions in the end cost her her life. But I would have loved it if it was bit more polished as IdEaBoNe said. Your plot was great but you need a bit more description of the character, you need to present it in away that the reader is hooked from the start. This all looked raw to me, not nearly finished. You need to tell us about the M.C.'s thoughts, her reasons for doing what she and why she did it. You need to transform it in a proper story, this kind of looked to me like a report- abrupt and to the point.

The way you introduced the main charachter was abrupt.

Casey McCoy was just a girl who was aged 18 and born on 4th April

You're making, yourself, as a narrator, sound lazy, unenthisiastic and plain. The story teller is the one who stirrs the audience into reading and not drive them away from it. The use of the phrase

just a girl

isn't quite right. It may have been put in this way

Casey McCoy, an eighteen year old girl, born on fourth of April

And you are elaborating a story, not just telling the readers what you think; as such your line

God made her or what else could they do?

I'd suggest working on mending the first two lines because, I personally felt it wasn't very good for the starting.Your story was like jumping pictures and I couldn't hold on to many of them! It passed too fast, as though you were stating facts and jumping away like you had to catch a train!!! Slow down a bit sweety! And I don't get it though...This girl, Casey, was in rehab and came out all fine and cool; then she goes to university and has all the gut to decline her 'bad' friends requests but once they drug her, she just...gives up the fight? That easily? Doesn't she have emotional frictions or something? I need you to make the readers feel her pain and emotions. I'd rate emotional expression as a big 'ZerO' for you (sorry to say). In this story, you've failed to blend in and capture the readers attention (that is a very important thing i being an author!)

I had to read this line thrice before I got the real meaning

Risking her life, she started making friends with kids who wanted to be wannabe’s and starting loving the life of becoming a wannabe.

The correct and smooth form would be

Risking her life, she started making friends with kids who wanted to be wannabe’s, starting to love the life of being a wannabe.

I hope the meaning still stays the same Your piece lacked the 'flow', it lacked 'smoothness'. I suggest you work on punctuation and grammar, alittle bit

This is as IdEaBoNe said in her review and I totally agree with her. As I said before, you need to make a story, instead it just looks like report of a sad incident you witnessed.

Her parents accepted the way God made her or what else could they do?

Here I think, the 'or' you've used doesn't look right. The conjunction I would use would be 'and' and I think it's more suitable.

Her parents accepted the way God made her and what else could they do?

When you read both the sentences you'll see the difference.

You should definitely concentrate on you grammar and punctuation. You need to work on your sentence construction and work on the flow, smooth it up a bit and you'll see it shine. PM me if you edit it and want a review, I would love to help you with this. Hope my review's helped you.

Keep Writing...

-rooh-

I am not here to review but to commend on how great the voice was in this piece. Also, strangely it seems we had the same inspiration. I would like you to take a look at my story Middle Ground. I love your style and I think it's quite amazing that we are trying to pass the same message to people. Keep up the voice. It's what makes you distinct as a writer.