Nightshade Chapter 5.5

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Sorry, everyone. I feel like this chapter is lacking a lot, so I'd appreciate it if you left feedback. Thanks!



She would come. He knew she would. The gleaming violet-flecked green eyes would appear from the stairway. They would see through him like they had in the portrait in the sorceress's cottage. David had not mentioned it to anyone, but the moment he had seen the white-haired woman in Eurchess's tower, he recognized the cold aura surrounding the tall woman. Fear.

With his back against the wall farthest from the stairway, he waited.

It was a pity. The temporary lull in the battle seemed so calm and serene, though adrenaline surged through his veins. The golden circular room dappled with outside light from the many long windows glowed with peace. This was soon to be a battlefield. A place so pure would soon be stained in blood.

He quickly pushed away the thought fighting had caused to surface in his mind. The thought of Prince Ifrin, who he had left to die. He should feel no regrets. The princess was right. He couldn't have done anything.

You could have saved them, his dark side whispered to him. You could've stopped the bloodshed, could've prevented the pools of red collecting on the tiled floor.

Stop! He pushed the thoughts away. He would make it right. He would stop the woman.

Stepping slowly towards the golden tube in the middle of the room, David brushed a raven lock from his eyes and approached the gleaming telescope.

Reaching out his hand, David let his fingertips caress the smooth gold of the apparatus. How could a thing so beautiful be capable of causing so many deaths? he mused.

As his new gray tunic Eurchess had evidently clothed him in whispered against his skin, he felt a slight tingling at his temples.

“Princess Mya!” he gasped as he looked up.

“Yes, she thought she was very clever," said the silver-haired woman who had suddenly appeared in the doorway. With an angelic glowing face, she appeared to be capable of no evil. However her dark green dress fluttered around the bound and gagged Princess Mya, whom she had been grabbing by the hair. "Hiding in a broom closet while opening the ceiling hatch. Pity… I don't fall for that sort of trick,” the angelic lips formed in a high lofty voice.

She was definitely the same silver haired woman David had seen in the portrait in the sorceress’s cottage; young and beautiful- seemingly innocent.

“Now, boy, take this knife-” The woman reached into her dress pocket with her right hand and drew out a small sliver of metal, still holding Mya captive with her elbow. The woman kicked the blade towards David. “-smear your blood on this stone,” she reached again into that same pocket and withdrew a small round piece of transparent rock. She released it. The round object fell with a clatter to the cold stone floor.

David visibly flinched as he felt a tendril of ice knot itself around his wrists. The icy sensation seemed to hiss as it made its way up through his veins, and carrying through to his chest.

Without conscious thought, his body froze up, and leaned forward to grasp the knife. He tried to resist, but the knife was soon in his hands. A sudden wave of warmth took the same passage as the icy tendril, and David could control his movements again. How….strange…

The woman could see this too, evidently. She bit her lip and sighed. “Hmm….I guess that won’t work. Why is that?” She thought some more, looking up at the dome shaped ceiling. The mysterious beauty pondered further, taking another twenty seconds. David knew she was taking her time, like a cat playing with her food, her green cat-like eyes staring at the ceiling. The woman’s lofty voice interrupted his thoughts. “Ahh…she loves you.”

Before David could blink, the woman grasped Mya’s throat, her long fingers flowing with strength. The princess gasped, dark eyes wide. Her hair was askew and her sari in tatters. Those obsidian eyes silently begged David.

“Do it. Do it or else I’ll kill her," the woman said coldly.

David stared. How had he gotten Princess Mya in such a mess? The woman tightened her grip on the girl's throat as David paused. David directed the knife, slowly.

Prince Ifrin had died to save his sister. But his sister would die for thousands. And David again would be the one responsible. He then paused. This wasn’t right. If he did this, then thousands of lives would be at stake. If he didn’t do this, Princess Mya’s life would end, and her father might declare war- though declaring on whom David didn't know.

“Before I do it, I need some answers. Who are you?” David asked. He needed to buy time. Starlight was out searching for Princess Silvia and Princess Silvia was looking for him and Starlight both. They needed to get here soon. What was Starlight thinking, trusting me with this? he thought for the tenth time. The woman casually tied Mya's wrists to a nearby banister as she met David's eyes with such direct force, he backed away.

She laughed a tingly melody to the warm air around them.

“Well, clever boy. Well, let me ask you who you are. A question for a question.”

David responded with alarming speed.

“Gared Tilly.”

“I am from the north. My name is Selena.”

“You’re lying.”

“I could see through your lie as well. A lie for a lie, correct?” David had to stall her. He could see that Mya was already halfway through her bonds.

“My name is David. My family is from the far east.”

“Fair enough. My name is Elena. My father was from the north, but my mother was from the Ice lands.” Now David was truly interested.

“The Ice lands? The island even farther north than the mainland? So the place isn't myth?” he gasped, smiling for his hunger for knowledge.

“I can see you’re interested. A fact for a fact. Tell me something. Are you the boy of the prophecy?”

“I don’t even know what the prophecy states, so how can I answer your question?” David asked, looking at his toes. He sidestepped the question elegantly.

“You really are clever, David. You know not to tell a lie to me. But allow me this truth: What do you mean to Silvia Delmeera? What does she mean to you?” David opened his mouth, and closed it again. Delmeera was Silvia's last name?

“Nothing,” lashed out a voice from the doorway.

David thought they both looked slightly similar, but he instantly changed his mind when Silvia face twisted into a snarl and the woman donned a poisoned sweet smile.

“Let’s see how much skill you’ve gained over the years.” The woman drew a several stranded whip, each end tipped with a tiny hooked, golden barb. Silvia’s eyes grew wide, and she growled. David watched as the two circled each other, both ready to strike at the slightest sign of aggression. Silvia dashed into an attacking stance, and lunged in, and plunged her knife where the woman’s side was, but her dagger met thin air.

The woman lashed her whip and the strands were all coming Silvia’s way; the princess ducked, and jumped above the whip each time it came near. Her movements reminded David of a game he had played when he was younger, a game similar to helicopter. It involved jumping or ducking a rope. If the rope hit one's body, one was out. But David could see that the consequences of being hit were more serious and dangerous than he could have imagined.

Taking action in the chaos, he brought his foot down hard on the unyielding amber rock.

It cracked, and started to split, but when David tried to grind it to powder, the rock wouldn’t break. The loud grind of the stone resulted in a tangible silence as the smell of blood reached David's nostrils. Both fighters stared his way. Elena, face crafty, brought the handle of her whip hard on Silvia’s head.

The girl fell stone cold on the hard ground. David saw this flash of gold as he saw Mya flee out of the corner of his eye.

Silvia! he wanted to shout. She was so still.

Mya’s departure didn’t seem to bother Elena. Instead of chasing after the Menelays princess, she advanced towards David. David backed up, now holding the amber rock in his hands. His mind formulated a plan, but dare he? It might not even work.

“Give me the amber stone!” Elena commanded. David’s face screwed up in hatred. This evil woman was going to kill thousands of people with the small cold stone in his own hands.

“Fine.” David extended his hand, the cold rock sitting there in his palm. Suddenly, as Elena approached, David lunged and brought the rock down on Elena’s head. The woman fell to the floor, slumping besides Silvia. “Gods…” David thought. “They really look alike.” The thought of this made him uneasy. As he walked to Silvia to wake the girl up, his gait stopped abruptly as he fell on top of Silvia.

"Let go!" he yelled; the woman could hear the aggressive voice masking a small worm of doubt and fear. She inhaled the air, letting David's terror fill her mind with euphony.

With blood running from her scalp to her face, that angelic face was far from weak.


Elena wrenched the amber from his palm. She grabbed his wrist, her hand winding around his with serpentine grace, and sank her teeth into his flesh.

He yelled and thrashed in anguish, writhing on the floor, and attempting to wriggle out of her iron grip. Soon, she released her hold, her angel lips in a gruesome, gory smile. She pressed the transparent stone against the stream of blood gushing from David's forearm, and inserted the rock in the telescope as David watched- helpless to do anything. He tried getting up to stop her, but his muscles wouldn't obey him.

A wonderful, beautiful light radiated from the telecope, extending towards the north. Elena put her eye to the glass and looked satisfied. David tried to get up, but Elena’s foot kicked his mouth, dislodging a molar. It stung so badly that when she stepped on his back, and David couldn’t resist or rise.

“What’s going to happen next?” she asked him innocently. She, lifted up her foot, and raised a double sided dagger, its hilt between the two separate blades. A single ruby shone on the hilt.

David looked as Starlight flew from the hallway towards David and Silvia. David saw Starlight nose her gently, and felt Starlight's powerful beating wings beat fresh air towards his face.

"Starlight," he whispered weakly.

"Can you spell 'vampire'?" Starlight asked, landing next to David and forcing the woman to back against a wall.

She hissed angrily and with fear.

"I can hiss too. Watch!" Starlight retorted. He bared his huge teeth and lunged forward. Grabbing her dress with his teeth, Starlight tossed her across the room where she crumpled to the tiled floor.

With much grace, the stallion stooped down to let David lift Silvia onto his back, and waited for David mount up on his back. Only when Elena lifted her head from her fallen position did she see the trio departing and Silvia’s dark red tunic whipping across the hallway. Starlight, the limp Silvia, and David were gone.
"Which came first? The Phoenix or the flame?"

-H.P. Deathly Hallows




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The gleaming violet-flecked green eyes would appear from the stairway.


I think it would build the suspense if you added "at any moment" somewhere in here. That way the reader would experience the anticipation of her.

The golden circular room dappled with outside light from the many long windows glowed with peace.


Awkward.

This was soon to be a battlefield. A place so pure would soon be stained in blood.


Usually when people are anticipating a fight, they don't look around and say, "Alas, this serene and peaceful place will soon be the site of a battle." Or if they do, it is more along the lines of, "Alas, this will have to do. Now how can I modify the room so that it gives me an advantage in the coming battle?"

It's very cliche though and should be impaled on a stick as a result.

He quickly pushed away the thought fighting had caused to surface in his mind. The thought of Prince Ifrin, who he had left to die. He should feel no regrets. The princess was right. He couldn't have done anything.


He's thinking too much about the wrong things. All that adrenaline rushing through his system would focus him like nothing else. All of his senses will be heightened in anticipation of fighting or running.

You could have saved them, his dark side whispered to him. You could've stopped the bloodshed, could've prevented the pools of red collecting on the tiled floor.


I know this is all part of the dramatic build-up, but it is really cliche. Stake it.

Stepping slowly towards the golden tube in the middle of the room, David brushed a raven lock from his eyes and approached the gleaming telescope.


Or you could just say "David brushed a lock of hair aside and approached the golden telescope in the middle of the room."

Reaching out his hand, David let his fingertips caress the smooth gold of the apparatus. How could a thing so beautiful be capable of causing so many deaths? he mused.


Beautiful gold thing causing many deaths? Isn't that a little close to "One ring to rule them all?"

“Yes, she thought she was very clever," said the silver-haired woman who had suddenly appeared in the doorway. With an angelic glowing face, she appeared to be capable of no evil. However her dark green dress fluttered around the bound and gagged Princess Mya, whom she had been grabbing by the hair. "Hiding in a broom closet while opening the ceiling hatch. Pity… I don't fall for that sort of trick,” the angelic lips formed in a high lofty voice.


Awkward, and monologuing.

I'm beginning to notice a pattern.

The problem is a mixture of purple prose and cliche. Right now, the action is following a very predictable trajectory. "Unsuspected villian holds the princess hostage while the hero has to confront her, usually with a long drawn out dialogue which is frankly useless, during which the hero must choose between her life and everything he believes in.

Admittedly, this arrangement is pretty typical and it does work. I don't mind the same things happening, but I don't want it to sound the same as every other story I've seen with the same plot device. If a hero is about to fight a foe, I want their characters to literally drip from their dialogue. At the moment, the character dialogue sounds like a bad game of twenty questions, not like the villain has a dagger to the throat of the princess.

The purple prose is when you use too many adjectives to describe something simple. Instead of a guy stepping towards the golden telescope in the middle of the room, the telescope has to be called a "golden tube" or "gleaming telescope." It's almost like you are trying to cover up the cliches by dressing up the sentences as much as possible.

Personally, I think you should try writing this as a straight up combat scene. Don't mention anything about remorse or feelings, until both of them get locked in an impasse (which is what happens when you have your blade at the throat of your enemy, and your enemy's blade at the Princesses throat.) From there, you can have some bargaining and smart dialogue. None of this "tit for tat" business though. If I were the villain, I would lie, and then accuse the hero of lying to me. If I were the hero, I would take it for granted that the villain was lying, and use that knowledge to my advantage.

Remember, there is adrenaline going through those veins. They're not there for feeling; they are there to suppress pain and heighten awareness. Don't slow the action down with long monologues, but have them fight until they are tired. Then they can talk.
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She would come. He knew she would. The gleaming violet-flecked green eyes would appear from the stairway. They would see through him like they had in the portrait in the sorceress's cottage. David had not mentioned it to anyone, but the moment he had seen the white-haired woman in Eurchess's tower, he recognized the cold aura surrounding the tall woman. Fear.

With his back against the wall farthest from the stairway, he waited.

It was a pity. The temporary lull in the battle seemed so calm and serene, though adrenaline surged through his veins. The golden circular room dappled with outside light from the many long windows glowed with peace. This was soon to be a battlefield. A place so pure would soon be stained in blood.

He quickly pushed away the thought fighting had caused to surface in his mind. The thought of Prince Ifrin, who he had left to die. He should feel no regrets. The princess was right. He couldn't have done anything.

You could have saved them, his dark side whispered to him. You could've stopped the bloodshed, could've prevented the pools of red collecting on the tiled floor.

Stop! He pushed the thoughts away. He would make it right. He would stop the woman.

Stepping slowly towards the golden tube in the middle of the room, David brushed a raven lock from his eyes and approached the gleaming telescope.

Reaching out his hand, David let his fingertips caress the smooth gold of the apparatus. How could a thing so beautiful be capable of causing so many deaths? he mused.

As his new gray tunic Eurchess had evidently clothed him in whispered against his skin, he felt a slight tingling at his temples.

“Princess Mya!” he gasped as he looked up.

“Yes, she thought she was very clever," said the silver-haired woman who had suddenly appeared in the doorway. With an angelic glowing face, she appeared to be capable of no evil. However her dark green dress fluttered around the bound and gagged Princess Mya, whom she had been grabbing by the hair. "Hiding in a broom closet while opening the ceiling hatch. Pity… I don't fall for that sort of trick,” the angelic lips formed in a high lofty voice.

She was definitely the same silver haired woman David had seen in the portrait in the sorceress’s cottage; young and beautiful- seemingly innocent.

“Now, boy, take this knife-” The woman reached into her dress pocket with her right hand and drew out a small sliver of metal, still holding Mya captive with her elbow. The woman kicked the blade towards David. “-smear your blood on this stone,” she reached again into that same pocket and withdrew a small round piece of transparent rock. She released it. The round object fell with a clatter to the cold stone floor.

David visibly flinched as he felt a tendril of ice knot itself around his wrists. The icy sensation seemed to hiss as it made its way up through his veins, and carrying through to his chest.

Without conscious thought, his body froze up, and leaned forward to grasp the knife. He tried to resist, but the knife was soon in his hands. A sudden wave of warmth took the same passage as the icy tendril, and David could control his movements again. How….strange…

The woman could see this too, evidently. She bit her lip and sighed. “Hmm….I guess that won’t work. Why is that?” She thought some more, looking up at the dome shaped ceiling. The mysterious beauty pondered further, taking another twenty seconds. David knew she was taking her time, like a cat playing with her food, her green cat-like eyes staring at the ceiling. The woman’s lofty voice interrupted his thoughts. “Ahh…she loves you.”

Before David could blink, the woman grasped Mya’s throat, her long fingers flowing with strength. The princess gasped, dark eyes wide. Her hair was askew and her sari in tatters. Those obsidian eyes silently begged David.

“Do it. Do it or else I’ll kill her," the woman said coldly.

David stared. How had he gotten Princess Mya in such a mess? The woman tightened her grip on the girl's throat as David paused. David directed the knife, slowly.

Prince Ifrin had died to save his sister. But his sister would die for thousands. And David again would be the one responsible. He then paused. This wasn’t right. If he did this, then thousands of lives would be at stake. If he didn’t do this, Princess Mya’s life would end, and her father might declare war- though declaring on whom David didn't know.

"I won't do anything without some answers. Who are you?” David asked. He needed to buy time. Starlight was out searching for Princess Silvia and Princess Silvia was looking for him and Starlight both. They needed to get here soon. What was Starlight thinking, trusting me with this? he thought for the tenth time. The woman casually tied Mya's wrists to a nearby banister as she met David's eyes with such direct force, he backed away.

She laughed a tingly melody to the warm air around them.

“Well, clever boy. Well, let me ask you who you are. A question for a question.”

David responded with alarming speed.

“Gared Tilly.”

“I am from the north. My name is Selena.”

“You’re lying.”

“I could see through your lie as well. A lie for a lie, correct?” David had to stall her. He could see that Mya was already halfway through her bonds.

“My name is David. My family is from the far east.”

“Fair enough. My name is Elena. My father was from the north, but my mother was from the Ice lands.” Now David was truly interested.

“The Ice lands? The island even farther north than the mainland? So the place isn't myth?” he gasped, smiling for his hunger for knowledge.

“I can see you’re interested. A fact for a fact. Tell me something. Are you the boy of the prophecy?”

“I don’t even know what the prophecy states, so how can I answer your question?” David asked, looking at his toes. He sidestepped the question elegantly.

“You really are clever, David. You know not to tell a lie to me. But allow me this truth: What do you mean to Silvia Delmeera? What does she mean to you?” David opened his mouth, and closed it again. Delmeera was Silvia's last name?

“Nothing,” lashed out a voice from the doorway.

David thought they both looked slightly similar, but he instantly changed his mind when Silvia face twisted into a snarl and the woman donned a poisoned sweet smile.

“Let’s see how much skill you’ve gained over the years.” The woman drew a several stranded whip, each end tipped with a tiny hooked, golden barb. Silvia’s eyes grew wide, and she growled. David watched as the two circled each other, both ready to strike at the slightest sign of aggression. Silvia dashed into an attacking stance, and lunged in, and plunged her knife where the woman’s side was, but her dagger met thin air.

The woman lashed her whip and the strands were all coming Silvia’s way; the princess ducked, and jumped above the whip each time it came near. Her movements reminded David of a game he had played when he was younger, a game similar to helicopter. It involved jumping or ducking a rope. If the rope hit one's body, one was out. But David could see that the consequences of being hit were more serious and dangerous than he could have imagined.

Taking action in the chaos, he brought his foot down hard on the unyielding amber rock.

It cracked, and started to split, but when David tried to grind it to powder, the rock wouldn’t break. The loud grind of the stone resulted in a tangible silence as the smell of blood reached David's nostrils. Both fighters stared his way. Elena, face crafty, brought the handle of her whip hard on Silvia’s head.

The girl fell stone cold on the hard ground. David saw this flash of gold as he saw Mya flee out of the corner of his eye.

Silvia! he wanted to shout. She was so still.

Mya’s departure didn’t seem to bother Elena. Instead of chasing after the Menelays princess, she advanced towards David. David backed up, now holding the amber rock in his hands. His mind formulated a plan, but dare he? It might not even work.

“Give me the amber stone!” Elena commanded. David’s face screwed up in hatred. This evil woman was going to kill thousands of people with the small cold stone in his own hands.

“Fine.” David extended his hand, the cold rock sitting there in his palm. Suddenly, as Elena approached, David lunged and brought the rock down on Elena’s head. The woman fell to the floor, slumping besides Silvia. “Gods…” David thought. “They really look alike.” The thought of this made him uneasy. As he walked to Silvia to wake the girl up, his gait stopped abruptly as he fell on top of Silvia.

"Let go!" he yelled; the woman could hear the aggressive voice masking a small worm of doubt and fear. She inhaled the air, letting David's terror fill her mind with euphony.

With blood running from her scalp to her face, that angelic face was far from weak.



Elena wrenched the amber from his palm. She grabbed his wrist, her hand winding around his with serpentine grace, and sank her teeth into his flesh.

He yelled and thrashed in anguish, writhing on the floor, and attempting to wriggle out of her iron grip. Soon, she released her hold, her angel lips in a gruesome, gory smile. She pressed the transparent stone against the stream of blood gushing from David's forearm, and inserted the rock in the telescope as David watched- helpless to do anything. He tried getting up to stop her, but his muscles wouldn't obey him.

A wonderful, beautiful light radiated from the telecope, extending towards the north. Elena put her eye to the glass and looked satisfied. David tried to get up, but Elena’s foot kicked his mouth, dislodging a molar. It stung so badly that when she stepped on his back, and David couldn’t resist or rise.

“What’s going to happen next?” she asked him innocently. She, lifted up her foot, and raised a double sided dagger, its hilt between the two separate blades. A single ruby shone on the hilt.

David looked as Starlight flew from the hallway towards David and Silvia. David saw Starlight nose her gently, and felt Starlight's powerful beating wings beat fresh air towards his face.

"Starlight," he whispered weakly.

"Can you spell 'vampire'?" Starlight asked, landing next to David and forcing the woman to back against a wall.

She hissed angrily and with fear.

"I can hiss too, listen!" Starlight retorted. He bared his huge teeth and lunged forward. Grabbing her dress with his teeth, Starlight tossed her across the room where she crumpled to the tiled floor.

With much grace, the stallion stooped down to let David lift Silvia onto his back, and waited for David mount up on his back. Only when Elena lifted her head from her fallen position did she see the trio departing and Silvia’s dark red tunic whipping across the hallway. Starlight, the limp Silvia, and David were gone.

I loved reading this! Well done!
Going down a rabbit hole, get away from all we know!



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