Madelyn Marie

I can tell by the way your eyes project their weight onto mine that something is going your way.
The scratching darkness of your eyelashes flutters above your lids like a light drunk moth to a halogen lamp, and the whites glint in the name of fucking serenity. Smoke you whisper. Grey smoke that devours the glowing rosy qualities of your flesh to leave you sepia and dry, like decade old paper, yet you are more alive than ever. Contort under my fingertips, writhe and slide against the skin you dwell in, scratched words written on your entity tell a tale of long ago.
Wise and comfortable, you deepen and unfold, fall and rise, shimmering with the dull glint of skin and sweat only broken by cascades of glimmering chestnut hair, brushing lightly on skin, trickling sweetly with sweat, tickling softly, pin pricks of detail, perfect in blurred immunity. Self control surrendered in a moment of ecstasy, your grip on yourself wavers and slips, watch yourself watch yourself from above on the ceiling. You occupy the space of your shadow.
Life cannot touch you this moment for we do not exist in life or in death, in body or in mind, in appearance or slurred rumour. We know each other too well, so explore the masks with which we don silently, with no shared touch or acknowledgements. We are strangers to our very own conscience. Prisoners to a pre determined sentence which we committed no crime to be punished for.
We simply became others to understand ourselves, but forgot who we were on the way.
Peacefully I slumber until I wear my face once more.

Considering this is lyric poetry, you've used a very unconventional form. I suggest going over it and inserting line breaks at strategic points. As it's written now, it is very hard to distinguish how the poem/lyrics would be said or sung and you don't appear to have much of a flow. The word in themselves are good, you just need to be careful when experimenting with form and structure.
Icy.

ethanswish,

Out of curiosity I did a quick google search of your title. Hmm. Have you rated this correctly?

In either case, this has become an instant favorite.

I am going to respectfully disagree with IcyFlame in the sense that this very much does have flow. The images, language, word choice here are very beautiful and quite poetic. It's so descriptive and unique in its descriptions. You have a wonderful talent. Would I classify this as lyrical? Not exactly - see the lyrics, the sound, the words, the rhythm here are not the focus. Rather you used all this elements quite skillfully to further illustrate this scene, you've captured the moment that is the image/expression of your subject and the reflections that come with it - I would've filed this piece as dramatic. Or even "Other". But this is just an argument over categorizing, it has nothing to say about the poem itself, which is brilliant!

I am not going to argue over structure - but the least you can do are paragraph breaks. One huge chunk of writing is not attractive for your readers (especially with our own ideas of how poems "should" look like)- but grammatically, they should be there.

I'm also going to be honest, I don't like much the use of the word "fucking" here. I think that if you had just kept it "serentity" it would be fine. I just think the strength of the poem is that you've captured the moment, painted it without a single use of profanity or ...I'm just going to say "expressive language". The one use of "fucking" here - in such a weak way, completely ruins that experience to me as a reader.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I'd like to say something about the poem itself. It certainly provoked a reaction of "awe" - I was touched and inspired by the very language that you've used. What I love about this is that you've taken something - this scene - and recreated it so beautifully. But it wasn't just that, it got me thinking too. The idea of "faces" and of "masks" and the symbolism in it during...this moment. The line about us being strangers to this moment - it's so very true! I could certainly relate to the emotions in this. I am just taken back in awe. This is such a wonderful piece and I'm so glad you've shared it with us!

Peacefully I slumber until I wear my face once more.

Such an amazing ending. Please write more, I'd love to read the rest of your works.

~ As always Audy

This spam review has been removed by Big Brother.

awh thank you :] yeah, I'll sort out the structure, I didn't realize how cramped it looked ><
actually before I posted it I was debating which catagory it should go in and was torn between lyric of dramatic, I just took a stab in the dark haha ^^
with the 'fucking serenity' bit I was trying to play on the way the two words work, with serenity being all calm and composed and obviously 'fucking' being pretty expressive in a more angry, energetic way, but I know what you mean, it stands out quite a bit... my aim for the day is going to be to locate a prettier word :]
thank you for the positive feedback, I was really in limbo of whether this piece would be a huge flop or any good, it's a proper spur of the moment piece, it just wrote itself really ^^ just took me along for the ride :] but it means a lot to hear that you enjoyed it, thank you once more I'll pay a visit to my muses and hopefully produce a few more pieces ^^