SQUIRTY’S TEARLESS SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL Script:
By Elizabeth Mathers
4-5-06
[Introduction]
Narrator: Are you sick and tired of getting shampoo in your eyes and crying in the shower?
[Person showers. Another person walks up with bottle in hands. Squirts shampoo into eyes. Weeping person nodding.]
Do you get a scare every time your mother tells you to wash your hair?
[Woman scolding smaller figure. Screaming.]
Are you sick of people mistaking you for that Elvis guy because your hair is so greasy from lack of hygiene that you can make your hair spiral upwards?[Whacky hairdo. Nodding.]
Don’t you wish you could have a shampoo that didn’t make you cry, scaring you from washing your Crisco covered hair?
[Thinking pose. Smiles. Nodding.]
[Scene 1]
Narrator: Then you need SQUIRTY’S HEAD FRIENDLY AND HYGENITC NON-CRYING FORMULA! ... Um – SQUIRTY’S TEARLESS SHAMPOO! Use it while you wash your hair and never cry while doing it again! Once, twice, don’t use it three times in the same hour, you could go bald!
[Person washes hair. *One Hour Later on Third Handful* Hair falls out. Screaming.]
SQUIRTY’S TEARLESS SHAMPOO is kid friendly, you can even leave your children unsupervised with it. Heck, they can even drink it without any side affects!
[Small print: Side affects may include itching, burning, intestinal issues, bladder issues, issues within issues, depression, vomiting, nausea, like for cottage cheese, blah bloo blee blah blah bloo blah, brain deterioration, insanity, addiction to SQUIRTY’S TEARLESS SHAMPOO]
[Scene 2]
Narrator: Don’t believe us? Well just ask some of the people who have used SQUIRTY’S TEARLESS SHAMPOO and see what they have to say!
Girl 1: [Weeping] My mommy bought me SQUIRTY’S TEARLESS SHAMPOO and I used it then my cat jumped into the tub –
Boy 1: [Scared] I used the stuff once and been obsessed by cheese and Lego blocks.
Girl 2: [Posh] I had golden locks that nobody could touch. I had high forms of shampoo and health needs. I was rich you know, but then one day we went bankrupt and all we could afford was this lousy shampoo.
Girl 1: [Theatrical] Then my cat jumped into the tub and the bottle spilled all over her and she began to smoke and –
Boy 2: [Twitchy] I once had to use SQUIRTY’S TEARLESS SHAMPOO, got some in my ear, and couldn’t hear for a week. NOBODY TOLD ME IT WASN’T MEANT FOR YOUR EARS!
Boy 3: [Mysterious] I once knew a guy who knew a guy who knew this guy, who knew me, and it was me, that I once used it and then knew the capital of Arkansas.
Old Woman: [Like an old person] What? Why am I here? You kidnapped me! ... Where is Greta? I miss Greta… would you like some cookies.
Girl 1: [Insane] AND THEN MY CAT STARTED ON FIRE AND RAN OUT OF THE ROOM AND FELL OUT MY WINDOW AND DIED AND SHE’S DEAD AND NOT COMING BACK!!! SQUIRTY’S TEARLESS SHAMPOO MADE MY CAT LIGHT ON FIRE! F*** YOU!
Narrator: … … … … SQUIRTY’S TEARLESS SHAMPOO, the shampoo that makes everybody smile! Drop by your nearest store and by some today! SQUIRTY’S TEARLESS SHAMPOO, so good that it’ll make you cry! Not the contents and chemicals in the shampoo, just the… prices… [Coughs]
[Warning: do not get SQUIRTY’S TEARLESS SHAMPOO on human body.][/b]
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I was in the bathtub washing my hair when inspiration for this came... cut me some slack, of course this was about a month ago as well...
