Inamoratas - The Beast Inside Of Me

Spoiler

This is actually part of another novel I'm working on. It's my first time writing in a wolf's point of view so if you have anything to say about it, don't be afraid to say it! I need all the help I can get.

I can be quiet.
Way too quiet.
I sniffed around the dirt ground silently, mud clinging onto my hind legs. It felt good. It felt pleasing.
I heard voices here before, different voices than the crowd that had come through here before. These voices were quieter, as if they didn’t want to be heard.
Night had fallen over the woods. The air had become moist; soft wind played with my fur. The moonlight is my only source of light, even though I could see perfectly without it. I thought about turning back to the pack until I caught a scent. This one wasn’t old like the others. It was new. Fresh.
It was now my prey.
I followed its track, my feet padding lightly on the muddy ground. All that was running through my head was hunger, my aching empty stomach a reminder. I didn’t care what it was, as long as I get to eat.
The sound of footsteps fills my ears.
I stop.
I wait.
I listen.
They were coming closer, having the same scent I was picking up before. I back away slowly, into the darkness where it couldn’t see me. Something brushes my ear but I stay perfectly still, willing myself not to flinch. The scent was becoming stronger. I sit patiently and wait for my prey to arrive.
And there it is.
I had thought it was an animal, but it wasn’t.
It was a boy.
A strange looking boy with dark hair and dark clothes; his face oddly serene. He had the scent I’ve been tracking tagged on him.
I take one step forward.
But stopped, because a new scent followed him.
This one was familiar but unwelcoming to my senses. I reeled back, watching as two more males join the boy. I sniffed the air again. I knew that scent. They smelled like...
Demons?
“Don’t take it so hard...what’s your name? Cameron?” One of the smelly people said. He looked exactly like the other. This made me confused. I tried hard to grasp one of my human memories. What were people who looked the same called again?
Twins.
I felt uneasy. I tried to hold back, but I couldn’t any longer. The twins’ scent was so intriguing.
It made my mouth water.
“Hey, look, it’s a dog.”
I hadn’t noticed that I approached them. My eyes shifted from the twins to the boy they called Cameron. I didn’t like Cameron. I could usually sense the fear waft from human’s skins when they see me, but I didn’t smell fear. I didn’t see it in his green eyes, either. Not only did I not like him, but he made me mad.
Everybody was scared of me.
Everybody ran away from me.
Why wasn’t he running?
“He seems to be intrigued.” One twin said.
“Yes. Interested in you, Cameron.” The other finished.
Cameron didn’t move.
Neither did I.
“I think you should go to him,” The twins prodded. They gave Cameron a playful shove. My limbs tensed, ready to pounce. I didn’t bare my teeth.
The twins had been slipping back, but Cameron didn’t seem to notice. Even when they disappeared, he didn’t let go of my eyes.
So I did the exact same.
The wind blew his scent to me. My belly aches. I let out a small growl.
Cameron narrows his eyes.
“I’m not afraid of you,” He said, his voice full of annoying authority.
As soon as the words escaped his lips, I attack.

Hey there! This is really good! The sentences were short, easy to read, and gave the story more of a sense of immedency. I think you've captured the view of the wolf well, conveying the instincts and individuality in a balanced way; so the reader can see that its a wolf and is reminded of its natural nature, but still can feel a connection to it. The story and plot was intriguing too, and I was interested in why the twins had a different scent, and why the boy wasn't scared. Punctution was correct and I like your use of short paragraphs. Only think I would say to check on, would be your mix of past and present tense; I do the same thing and swap between the two. I suggest choose present (add to that immedency) and change any past tense to present.
Keep writing, Layla Flame=D

Hi there!

This is a great piece, I enjoyed reading it! You did a great job writing in the point of view of a non-human character. The wolf's thoughts still seemed a little bit human to me, but then again, who really knows how a wolf thinks? Your imagery and emotions are quite apparent and very good.

The sound of footsteps fills my ears.

I stop.

I wait.

I listen.

I absolutly love this part! Okay, that's all I have to say.

Overall this is a good piece. I wish you luck with your novel. Keep writing!

The sound of footsteps fills my ears.

I stop.

I wait.

I listen.

Normally, I abhor paragraph breaks like this. However, I love it here, because it adds to the tension of the story. You can hear the quiet of the woods and the wolf stops and surveys his surroundings.

They were coming closer, having the same scent I was picking up before.

My lesson in active vs. passive voice: active voice is better for action stories. This is a very weak way of saying, "They came closer, having the same scent I picked up before." Since wolves are naturally hunters, as you've illustrated thus far, it makes sense to me to have that hunter nature permeate throughout the narrative. Make the wolf stronger by making his point of view stronger.

I had thought it was an animal, but it wasn’t.

"Had" isn't really necessary here. It's part of that whole active/passive voice thing from earlier.

I take one step forward.

But stopped, because a new scent followed him.

I'm going to see contradictory, but the paragraph break here isn't needed. I'm viewing this whole thing as part of the same idea, the same thought, so it should be on the same line. There's no tension added by splitting this thought up.

This made me confused.

BORING. "This confused me." or "I was confused." Something more interesting than "I became confused."

“He seems to be intrigued.” One twin said.

“Yes. Interested in you, Cameron.” The other finished.

Dialogue tip: when someone finishes a thought that wasn't a question or shouting something, comma comes before who said it.

"Something like this," said my imaginary example.

WHAT A GREAT ENDING! I love it. I love how abruptly it ends, and how you don't go to explain the attack. I felt chills at the end, which doesn't always happen. Definitely a crowd pleaser.

Keep it up, this is excellent stuff!

KF