Let's Keep It A Secret.

Leave me to bleed on my own;
watch me as everything you've done becomes known.

Revenge isn't as great as it seems;
perhaps backstabbing would be a better scream.

Don't tell me the reasons why;
I'll probably understand better in the sky.

At least they won't hurt me;
like you did with you and your scheme.

I wouldn't tell me what to do;
I'd just wait for your ego to come through.

Just sit and wait for it;
possibly even consider recommitting.

What kind of person are you;
to do that to me when I thought I loved you?

And then even after all of that stone;
you then proceeded to leave me on my own.

The really funny thing?;
Nobody paid attention to the sound of the springs.

Let alone my own wincing;
people droned out the convincing.

It's like nobody cares about what's been done;
like they enjoy the sounds of the raped: no pun.

So I've decided to leave;
without you, without them, without me.

Our little secret, pal;
nobody will know but us anyhow.

Hi!
It's a really good poetry. And you've put in emotions. The title is very suitable and I like it. It's catchy!

cyancheshire wrote:Leave me to bleed on my own;
watch me as everything you've done becomes known.

I love this line.

cyancheshire wrote:Don't tell me the reasons why;
I'll probably understand better in the sky.

I didn't quite understand this line. I'll probably understand better in the sky, what does that mean?

Anyway, hats off to you! Obviously you're a great writer. Keep it up

Leave me to bleed on my own;
watch me as everything you've done becomes known.

Revenge isn't as great as it seems;
perhaps backstabbing would be a better scream. Maybe say, "perhaps backstabbing would get a louder scream. Just because it makes more sense as you read more of the poem.

Don't tell me the reasons why;
I'll probably understand better in the sky. Even though this pertains to when she's dead and in heaven it still seems a little forced so maybe try, "I'll probably understand better when I die."

At least they won't hurt me;
like you did with you and your scheme.

I wouldn't tell me what to do; This part has a grammer issue I think it would sound better like this," I wouldn't know what to do;"
I'd just wait for your ego to come through. I like this line, but to me it seems a bit confusing.

Just sit and wait for it;
possibly even consider recommitting.

What kind of person are you;
to do that to me when I thought I loved you? This is my favorite line! It flowed nice and showed great emotion!

And then even after all of that stone; This doesn't make sense to me maybe this would sound better, "And then after all that's done;"
you then proceeded to leave me on my own.

The really funny thing?;
Nobody paid attention to the sound of the springs. After reading this line twice I understood that they were bed springs so maybe try, "Nobody paid attention to the sound of the bed springs."

Let alone my own wincing;
people droned out the convincing. Try to reword this to get across what you mean, because I'm not sure what your trying to say.

It's like nobody cares about what's been done;
like they enjoy the sounds of the raped: no pun. I thought this line was also very well written and flowed nicely the emotion and sarcasm is so strong I can almost taste it, which is awesome!

So I've decided to leave;
without you, without them, without me.

Our little secret, pal;
nobody will know but us anyhow.

Great line, I like the cleverniss of it (Yeah, I know cleverniss isn't a word:))

Overall I really did like this poem even though I pointed out all the bad things about it those are just things that I think you can fix on it so it can be amazing as possible. I like the idea of this poem and the emotion and pain inside it, rape and things like that are a touchy subject but here on YWS it's always feels like a load off your back when you write about things in your life. Even if this didn't happen to you it's good for many of us to read stuff like this so then we know. Thanks for posting!
Peace,
Snickerdooly