A Tale of Two Drakes-Chapter 1 (edited)

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1900
Reviews 12
After-review day edit:
Shadows wriggled in the house, eery and sharp. Sounds from the past wormed its way to me—tile floors creaked like wooden panels, the dry bathroom sink made dripping noises. Despite the thermostat and internal heating, cold drafts seemed to chase me everywhere. It had been a long night, and I goosebumps raised my flesh after having the spirit silent for so long. I hated being toyed with.
“Charles? Charles, come out please,” I said, exhausted from chasing after the creaks and groans in the house. No reply came. I whispered, “Railey?”
A ghost formed next to me in the dust caught by a beam of a nightlight. She stood tall for a ten-year-old, her height coming from long legs covered in denim overalls, her pigtails ruffled with spider webs clinging to them. Her round nose wrinkled in disgust.
“I'm not having any better luck,” she snipped at me, stamping a bare foot without making a sound. She glared at the floor and stomped again, and was rewarding with a pat similar to a cat landing. It made her half-smile, but I saw worry wrinkle her eyes. I worried, too. Her presence faded with each day.
“Are you sure it's a little boy and not a bogart or wisp or residual haunt?” I said, taking a long swig from my water bottle. Even I knew it wasn't residual—it responded to where we were, harassing us at one point, then luring us up and down the stairs. For each tick of the grandfather clock, I had been hopeful that the spirit would decide to come see us, but we had been met with little more than what cleansers before us had encountered. Once they left and the couple moved back in, the haunting returned with even more malice. I wondered initially if the couple had a good imagination, but after a loaf of bread fell on me, I knew the spirit lurked this house with a reason. Railey said the spirit wanted to topple the entire fridge on me, but she chased him off. Since then, it had been like this.
“It is a boy.” she said with fierce finality. “Nothing else.”
I sighed. “Is it me, or are we being crankier than usual?”
She glared at me with her 'You-Are-Stating-the-Obvious' look. I gave her my 'Are-You-Miserable-Enough-to-Try-Something-New' smile. She crossed her arms and turned her back to me, refusing the very suggestion.
I shrugged and said, “Are there any spells on the place?”
“There's something cold coming from that room we aren't supposed to go in.”
I'd had a feeling we were going to have to violate the one condition the clients had given us, and I mentally debated between breaking in and risking any trap spells they put on it and asking them to open it. Maybe it wasn't a question of what room he was in, after all.
“Railey, is there any way he will come talk to us, even if we break into that room?”
She closed her eyes and glowed a little, then the glow left with a breeze. “No. He wants his mother and father.”
I raised my hands and said, “We need to call the parents.”
Railey tsked at me, slung her arms into a hard cross, and stuck out her bottom lip. While I was hesitant to call in more people, she downright deplored the very thought. She thought other people ruined our system, demanding explanations, jumping at nothing, talking over real noises, and in general getting in the way. I wished it wasn't that way, but not everyone grew up raised by demon-hunting parents, being taught what was and wasn't good to do. While Railey was alive, she hadn't cared to know. She just ran into whatever trouble she found and hoped for the worst to not happen.
I looked at my phone—a prepaid minute-by-minute thing I had to use since I was cursed. I still had a slim roll of unused parchment and a lighter I used to have late-night conversations with Railey and Lilly. We would burn each other messages all night, or until a parent told us we weren't going to burn down the house tonight, it was time for bed. I hadn't ever mastered fire, not even forming a small flame. While I could still receive messages, I couldn't send them. My parents had a phone, and so did my brother, in case I ever had something follow me home from one of their visits. It had happened, and I felt barely capable of delaying the thing until help arrived. Ghosts and bogarts and brownies were about my limit, not particularly powerful creatures but they could be cunning and sly. How else would they manage to survive?
I thumbed through my phone to the received calls and pressed Send. It rang and rang. I hung up and tried again. They answered.
“Hello?” came the father's voice, hesitant and fumbling as though he wasn't sure he had pressed the right buttons.
“I'm here—don't press anything, just talk,” I said. “When you want to shut it off, press the red button.”
I assumed it was red.
I heard a muttered conversation, then a woman's voice called into the phone,
“We know that. Of course we know that. Why do you think otherwise?”
I choked back a cough, “Because there isn't a single 'lamb' device in your house and it is coated in spells?”
“...oh.” she said. They were one of the purists, accepting normal technology only when they were adequately convinced that the item in question had been created by a wizard or at least a wizarding family, and was therefore a piece of wizard technology with very little magic required to use it. Like plates and forks and refrigerators. I took a couple steps back to the fridge and noted it did have the logo of possibly the only shop selling wizard-approved appliances. No microwave, ironic, as that was still the only appliance that puzzled me. Phones were credited to wizards, too, but weren't popular, it was seen as reinventing burning letters but with a monthly price tag. I would have been glad to do without mine.
I rolled my eyes, glad they couldn't see me do it.
“Listen, I think I know your problem, but I need you here.”
“Why?” the woman said, her voice dripping with doubt. “What can we do that you can't?”
“Magic.” It still stung to admit that. Railey raised guilty puppy eyes up at me and I turned so I didn't have to see her, so I didn't have to be reminded of how her rashness lead to this mess. I still wondered what she had been thinking, and I always came back to the conclusion that she hadn't been. I tried to not linger on it.
“Oh.”
There was some muttering.
“Tell me right now: How do you know all this when you haven't a lick of magic to your name?” the woman said in a matronly tone.
“My family's all magic.” I missed them and my voice came off very soft. I shook off my longings and huffed, “Now, will you get down here or should I leave you to be badgered by a ghost?”
A bright light flashed in the hallway and voices drifted to me. No matter how long I'd been around the magics, I would never grow accustomed to their instant appearances and disappearances.
“We're here!” came the father's voice both over the phone and in the hall. I hung up.
“Good. I want you to come open this door.” I said, realizing if I was going to address them I would have to actually remember their names. After so many clients, it wasn't coming to me. I thought the man's name started with a E, something like Eli, but not Eli; and the woman's was something like Jazzie or Jasmine. I gave up trying to remember.
They'd stopped in the center of the hall, gazing at each other at my odd request. I waved my fingers at Railey and she slid closer to them and relayed bits of the conversation, invisible to all but me. That wasn't quite true. Some self-proclaimed psychics really could see her, and she was every bit a child when she realized she had an audience.
“She can't know that much.” said the wife
“She'd know enough to turn us in.”
“Posh. Who would listen to a lamb?” her statement won the dispute, and I pretended to have been very interested in a painting on the wall.
“What do you want us to do? Just open it?” the wife asked.
“I need you to open the door and call for your son.”
“Our son?” gaped the wife, her wrinkled face sagging in horror, “But...how could this be him? He was a happy boy. He should be gone to...there is a place to go?”
“Of course he went to heaven!” cooed the father, then looked at me with scorn, “How dare you insinuate our boy was responsible for making that dreadful racket?”
“I'm not saying he lead a sad life. Sometimes children die and get scared about going someplace strange. You need to talk to him, comfort him.” I said soothingly as I could muster, even though what I really wanted was to demand the full story. How was I supposed to help these people if they kept things hidden from me? I could see them hiding that they were magicians, but even with my discovery they treated me as an adversary instead of someone they called to help.
Railey pointed to the door, where I saw skeleton fingers wrapping around the cracks. Railey frowned at me, and I did my best to keep my own horror at bay. The poor child had been watching his grave and understood he was dead. He would have seen other graves, too, and would take his form in varying states of decomposition. I had nightmares about these cases, and I knew the next few nights I wouldn't sleep at all and would rely on Railey's constant presence to stay assured of my safety.
I mentally took back what I'd said to the parents. Children hiding from a new place did not dwell on their own demise. I never told the parents about the appearance of their children in these cases.
“I feel him! I feel him!” cried his mother. “Charles, come here!”
She knelt, and I heard scratching on the door. I suppressed a snort at her drama. If she hadn't known it was him before, I doubted she knew it was him now.
“He's locked in,” said Railey.
I made a subtle motion gesturing between the two parents to ask her which one he was upset with, but this close up it seemed the mother was too animated.
“Her,” Railey said, “But he's angry with his father, too, for hiding—”
She stopped short and changed forms into a hound as the father twisted the key and pulled open the door. It swung wide into a child's room with toys strewn over the floor, ten years worth of dust coating everything. Railey growled, and both parents jumped.
“What was that?” said the father.
“My protector, it's fine,” I whispered, annoyed that he disrupted my concentration. I lost what little track I had of the boy, and now I regretted letting him loose upon the house. Railey had gone from my sight, too, and we waited in silence.
“Charles! My son, come to me!” called the wife.
“Quiet!” I hissed. The house creaked and groaned and the air became thick and muggy. I'd missed my chance to snare him, and now I hoped Railey would catch him before he gathered up his energy caches.
The father sniffed the air and whispered, “What's rotten?”
I smelled decomposition too, a scent I would be lucky to get out of my nostrils within the next week. I berated myself for taking their case—I should have walked, but they had been so desperate. This boy wasn't a simple case of child crying at night for comfort—he'd been crying to feed off their fear, and possibly to build enough strength to take revenge. Once a ghost deteriorates this far, little was left of what they once were.
“What is that?” he insisted.
A loud thump vibrated against the hall wall, and noises of scuffling claws on tile came to us, then a boy's scream and a hound's snarl.
“My boy!” cried the mother, fetching a wand from her pocket.
I backhanded it away, my hand connecting with it midspell. The wand shot into the ceiling, and a backfire threw us all hard. The mother ended up in the bathroom behind her, the father in a corner, and I was tossed into the boy's room, nursing my jarred senses the way I had learned to when my brother had gone through his backfire stage. I took a few breaths and forced my eyes open, making them focus on anything I could find...and that's when I saw the writing on the wall, the careful brush strokes of a spell hidden as a decoration. I read it, and cold seeped into my very bones. An inducing spell. People murdered to keep their black magic from being revealed—especially if those people were otherwise law-abiding and in good standing in their community. I looked away, but it was too late—the wife had seen me read it.
“Dear, look!” cried the woman, pointing at me. The husband saw me and his eyes narrowed.
“Wait, let's talk—” I started to say, but the door slammed in my face and locked. I yanked on the handle, but it sizzled on my skin and I dropped it immediately, trapped as the boy had been. It was times like these when I was grateful for the trinkets my family gave me—and more so for Railey outside. We all heard her and the boy struggling, and I knew I would be needed very soon. I took a stud out of my ear piercing and pushed it into the door like a thumbtack, then stood back.
In some ways, I had compensated for my magic. But once my bag of tricks ran out, I didn't stand much of a chance. It was all surprise, look the other way, and strike quick. Not to mention, I had only to hope that my trinkets wouldn't break while I was using them. They normally lasted a lifetime, but when you inherited the goods, who knew which lifetime they were from.
The door glowed red, then vibrated the door and the wood burst into flames and was gone. I caught the earring from the smoke. I slid the earring back in my lobe, walking through the doorway to the astonishment of the couple. Their door didn't even have a cinder left to it, all evaporated in a wisp of smoke. I would have felt bad if they hadn't locked me in there to start with.
The father threw an electric bolt at me—I ducked and it singed the wall behind me. Before he could toss another thing at me, I yanked off a citrine ring from my pinky and used it to copy what I looked like at that second, then I reached up to my charm necklace and slipped an invisibility ring on and darted away, leaving an illusion behind. The father loaded my illusion with more electric bolts, and the illusion puffed into a cloud of dust.
He hadn't given me time to get into position. I yanked off a forefinger ring and hurled it behind him. He whirled to face it, and a confused silver eagle stared back at him. I wondered if she would return to the ring after this, even though it was her home, she decided if she wanted to stay in it—and with me. It was a recent gift from my brother, and I hadn't had time to properly introduce myself to her. Being tossed into the middle of a fight was hardly the best greeting I'd ever given. She puffed out her feathers and raised her wings in threat, and the man refrained from attacking her. Silver eagles were known for their defensive abilities, and attacking them was considered more a waste of energy than treadmills. He turned from trying to find me and instead comforted his wife.
“I think she ran,” he said, worried. I hadn't, of course, though I was increasingly tempted to leave these people to their fate and wash my hands of this job. I did my very best to walk on the runner and make no noise.
“We're doomed for certain,” the woman cried, a heavy cry with snot and blubbering including.
“Now, now, dear, who would believe a lamb could read spells?” crooned the husband, stroking her back with a shaking hand. His eyes ran over me several times, wide and a little watery. He couldn't see me, I knew, but I always felt a chill when someone looked right through me. I wondered if Railey felt this way.
I searched in utter silence for her—and found her dragging a boy through a wall into the hallway. I glanced over the scene, digging out my bottle of holy mud from my pack. I popped the cap open and squirted a healthy circle around the boy as soon as Railey hauled him free of his hiding place. She almost was trapped in the circle herself. Her hound form slit its eyes and glared at me.
“I got him before he could retrieve all his energy stores,” she huffed, returning to her girl form again. She had transparent holes and scratches riddling her body, and her entire shape was hazy and frail. I was about to lose her. I felt sticky scratches appearing on my own skin and my body ached; it was part of the sharing of life when you have a personal ghost.
I took off my invisibility ring and called to the couple.
“I have your son; he's safe. Will you please come and talk to me? No more throwing spells at a person who can't return the favor.”
If they decided to attack again, I might not have much choice but to make a run for it. Possibly ensnare them with my lotus ring, but I wouldn't be able to release them again without unleashing everything that came before. Not a pleasant thought.
They came forward, taking hesitant steps and looking at anything but me. I couldn't see very well, but the woman was stiff and shy as though she was blushing.
“You...you won't tell?” asked the mother.
“Tell who what? I'm a lamb. Why would your Magic Constable listen to a person who can't do magic? Besides, you would have the room scrubbed down before he got here. Just...put this straight.” I said and rubbed my forehead.
The corpse rallied and thrashed against the mud circle, yelling how he hated his parents and wanted to see them drove to their insanity. Some of his words must have gotten through, as his mother sobbed harder and his father looked up at me.
“What do we do?” he asked. The boy looked angry he couldn't reach through the circle and feed off their emotions.
“Start from the beginning. Tell me how it got like this.”
“What...what's that circle made from? Will it hurt him?” said the mother suddenly, reaching out.
“Don't touch it! No, it won't hurt him. It's holy water and consecrated ground a priest gave to me.” I snapped, ready to give up on this job right now.
“A...a priest?” her eyes opened wide, “Are you a demon hunter?”
“No, that would be my parents.” I said and spoke quicker, “The priest had another priest ghost who wanted to touch his congregation on the head to bless them, and that freaked some people out. That's all.”
“...oh.” she seemed both comforted and even more distressed, “...We must seem terrible to you.”
I shook my head and otherwise ignored her comment, saying,“Tell me what was going on—why the spell to induce magic?”
The father started, “He was being bullied. All his siblings had magic and all our friends and their children did...and he...he was a lamb.”
The thing in the circle looked like he had been while living—a sandy blond boy all arms and legs and massive dome-shaped head. He had a black eye. It was as though he was responding to his parents' emotions, turning into what he thought they wanted him to be. I took it as a sign that he might recover.
“And,” said his mother, “he begged us to do anything at all to make him normal.”
“And you eventually put him in an inducing spell.”
“...yes. I cast it, I thought we could abort it...” said the father.
I'd heard that before. Parents that desperate always thought they could stop it if it wasn't “working”, but the trouble was, that magic always worked given enough time.
“But I suggested it. Suggested it, that's all. He always blamed me.” said the mother, having regained some senses.
“Charles,” I said, “do you remember this?”
He began to sniff and he looked like Railey usually did—a little transparent and with a distinct glow. His glow was red and yellow, where Railey's was white-ish blue.
“I remember,” he whispered and tears started to tumble down his cheeks. My circle was cutting his spirit free from the spell and thankfully he was a strong boy, and he was reclaiming himself. I'd trapped one child who, deprived of the spell, shriveled to nothing but a dust ball.
“Why hasn't he left?” asked the mother.
“The spell is black magic, anyone locked in it for long will develop magic but it will never be for good. His spirit was trapped with that spell, and he learned to frighten your family and store that energy in caches. Once you let him go, he went straight for them.”
“...with them, what could he do?” asked the father.
“At worst?” I raised my eyebrows and chewed on the corner of my lip, “At worst, he could have suffocated someone and trapped their soul with his. My protector stopped him and got rid of the caches, but you can see on me how he hurt her.”
They called up a soft light ball and gasped at the web of fine scratches marking my arms.
The boy snickered and I sighed, knowing it would take a while longer before he was completely himself again.
“Tell me what his favorite thing was. We need to focus on the positive now.”
It took a few minutes before it came out that he loved anything to do with toys—playing with them, designing them, and making them. I started up a working dialogue between the three and let them share in favorite memories, everyone commenting on how he could make anyone smile. I talked between them for quite some time, and I saw each of them drop their strained faces and soon they were laughing and smiling.
“Oh, how he could make a person smile!” said his father.
“That was his magic,” I said.
“What?” asked the mother.
“You said he could always make people smile—the girl who stumbled in the park, his brother when there were carrots in the pot pie, you when you lost your uncle. Even now, he's making you smile at the memory of him, talking to him. That is his magic.”
His father pondered on this, then he said, “He could do it when no one else could. It was magic, just not how we were used to thinking about it. I can't believe how big of a fool I was.”
“Your family has been living this secret for far too long. You need to have a professional come in to clean out that room. Then you can have your son released. You said he has a great-uncle waiting for him?” I asked, feeling fatigue wreak havoc on my neck and forehead.
“Yes. Donnie.”
Railey returned to me, tattered and worn through. She gave me an all-clear sign and let herself fall into nothingness. I felt her absence and it made me both scared and relieved.
“You two, stand around the circle and join hands. Pray for Donnie to come to the boy.”
“Pray?!” the mother screeched, “Pray like some magic-less, powerless lamb prays to their 'almighty' god or gods? The thought is simply...heathen.”
“I agree,” said the father, “What else would you have us do?”
I repacked my water bottles, “Nothing.”
The mother gaped, her mouth hanging open, swinging side to side for a few seconds before she said, “Certainly...there must be something we can do!”
“Nothing,” I said, positioning my small pack on my shoulders, “Nothing at all. Can you cast a spell to conjure down you uncle, force him to pick up your son and take him someplace safe?”
“Black magic,” hissed the father.
“No!” said the mother, “There must be something, I have power, I...”
“You have no power over Death and his dealings. You have no magic that can make your son better. In regards to him, you are powerless.” I said fiercely, then relented with a sigh, “You can only reassure him. The wizards have long banished religion, maybe it was because the churches banished them, maybe it was because the wizards feel as you do now. But I have to ask you: Do you want all the weight on your shoulders, or do you want to trust it to someone else? You are in a desperate time, perhaps you should consider some less conventional means. It might make you feel better, if nothing else.”
“We are not some of these—these New Age Wizards.” snapped the father. I didn't know about these people he talked of—it must be a new group indeed.
“So,” I snapped back, “You believe in heaven but not in prayer?”
The husband looked awkwardly at his feet, realizing the hypocritical situation he had placed himself in. I hadn't come to debate this. I didn't care what he believed.
“Fine.” I said. The word came out sharper than I'd intended and the mother winced. The father shifted his pointy black shoes, ruffling up the runner and smoothing it out again. I wanted to leave right then, but I felt somehow obligated to remain.
The father spoke slowly, “Wait...your name, it's familiar. Fera-linn?”
“Fera-line.” I corrected, though I'd grown used to answering both pronunciations. Mother had named me after some family members, some of the many I had never met.
“Feralyne Swift...you're that kid, that one from years ago, who ran into that black magic...who was the other girl?”
My heart sank far into the pit of my stomach and I suppressed a groan. That 'other girl' had been Railey. “Please tell me people aren't talking about that.”
The mother wasn't yet ready to ignore her dilemma, pouting over being told she could do nothing but pray like a powerless heathen. The father, it seemed, was seeking a distraction from having to deal with his situation. I intended to cut the conversation off as quickly as I could, and made to leave.
“Don't be like that. I think I should warn you: the community is divided, they don't know who to blame.” he said quickly. I considered that he was trying to do me a small favor instead of merely seeking a distraction. Perhaps it was both.
“Thanks,” I said, “I don't think I will ever be going back to the wizard community, but I appreciate the caution.”
I began to hobble down the hall, but the father's voice halted me. Again.
“Are...are you going to tell about this?”
I frowned and turned to meet his eyes in the early morning light. “I used to belong to your world. I don't anymore. I have no one to turn this in to. I can't. But you can.”
The silver eagle flew to me, carrying her ring in her beak, and slipped back into it as I put the ring back on my finger. I went to leave. The wife rushed to hand me an envelope—payment, she whispered—and I left the house, heading into the sunrise in hopes of finding a park to wash up and rest at.
Last edited by StandStrong on Mon Aug 29, 2011 12:48 am, edited 6 times in total.
Bob: hmm, there's a lesson in all this.
Mr. Eglamore: Okay. Let's hear it.
Bob: Never let sixty angry kids use a herd of laser cows to take over your house.

Gunnerkrigg Court is awesome.
http://www.gunnerkrigg.com/archive_page.php?comicID=632




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 946
Reviews 53
This spam review has been removed by Big Brother.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1900
Reviews 12
Thank you Big Brother!!! :D


Something to bear in mind with future reviews is I want the hashing out on what needs fixing, too, or expanded on, or explained better, ect. This is because I am going to get this novel self-published, and I don't want my readers to pay for anything less than my absolute best. That said, I'm posting this now because it's the best I have at this moment.

Now, the very first section is supposed to do the following:
-Introduce Feralyne, the essence of who she is and what she does
-Imply she is growing tired of her 3+ year occupation
-Introduce the Inducing Spell, why it happens, and what it can cause (this will be important later)

Now the section you quoted, I already explained my reasons.

The bit after that is supposed to:
-Introduce Mordon and Barnes
-Introduce Railey's fading problem
-Set her on the start of a new journey

Can you let me know if these goals were fulfilled? Also, of course, there is the usual grammar, awkward sentences, misspells, ect, ect. I find it hard to believe my second draft is free from them.
Thanks!
Last edited by StandStrong on Sat Aug 20, 2011 6:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Bob: hmm, there's a lesson in all this.
Mr. Eglamore: Okay. Let's hear it.
Bob: Never let sixty angry kids use a herd of laser cows to take over your house.

Gunnerkrigg Court is awesome.
http://www.gunnerkrigg.com/archive_page.php?comicID=632




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 5
Alright! Let's begin this review the way I always do - I'll quote your text, and add my thoughts as I read it. I'll do so both as a reader and as a writer, and it'll hopefully get you an idea what some of your potential readers might be noticing. After this I'll comment more on what I liked, what I disliked, and whether it works as an opening chapter in my opinion. Since you'll be self-publishing it's vital that the first chapter hook the reader in, so I might be a little harsh, but I'll never do personal attacks and all that I say are there simply to help you make your writing better. You don't need to accept every comment I make (after all, I'm just one person giving one review), but please respect the time I put into this. I actually did about half of this and lost it, so bear with me even if I sound a little snappy. *cringes*

Spoiler
Chapter One

Shadows wriggled in the house, eery and sharp, I really like it up to here. the corners darker than natural, the tile floors creaked like wooden panels, the bathroom sink made dripping noises even though someone had long ago fixed the leak. The sentence here is too long. The description is great, but it sounds too much like a laundry list. Maybe put a full stop after "darker than natural"? Despite the thermostat and internal heating, cold drafts seemed to chase me everywhere. Nice description. It had been a long night, and I was frankly getting a little spooked after having the spirit silent for so long. This smells of telling (the word "was" is a dangerous one to use in the first paragraph), you could perhaps put in a detail (goosebumps, paranoia, prickling on the back of then neck?) to show us her emotions. I hated being toyed with.

“Charles? Charles, come out please,” I said, exhausted from chasing after the creaks and groans in the house. No reply came. I whispered, “Railey?”

A ghost formed next to me in the dust caught by a beam of a nightlight. Really good description. She stood tall for a ten-year-old, her height coming from ultra-long Here, however, it feels weak. "Ultra" is similar to "very", and both are poor words - after all, what do they tell us? I think this would work better as only "long", and it wouldn't conflict with the more poetic descriptions that we've seen. legs covered in denim overalls, her pigtails ruffled with spider webs clinging to them. Her round nose wrinkled in disgust.

“I'm not having any better luck,” she snipped at me, equally frustrated. We can tell that she's frustrated, but if you want to be sure, put in some body language. Clutched fists, a frown, sucked in cheecks, all of them show us frustration instead of telling us.

“Are you sure it's a little boy and not a bogart or wisp or residual haunt?” I said, taking a long swig from my water bottle. Even I knew it wasn't residual—it responded to where we were, harassing us at one point, then luring us up and down the stairs. We start to get more setting, nice.

“It is a boy.” she said with fierce finality. “Nothing else.”

I sighed. “Is it me, or are we being crankier than usual?”

She glared at me. I took that as my answer. We know they're cranky, so I wonder what the purpose of this is?

“Are there any spells on the place?” More setting, good.

“There's something cold coming from that room we aren't supposed to go in.”

I'd had a feeling we were going to have to violate that confidentiality, but I still didn't want to.

“Railey, is there any way he will come talk to us, even if we break into that room?”

She closed her eyes and glowed a little, then the glow left with a breeze. “No. He wants his mother and father.”

I raised my hands and said, “We need to call the parents.” I'm actually liking this part, but I can't help but wonder: why ask this now? If they've been at this all night, but they have the means of figuring out whether or not their efforts do any good, why not say that before they got themselves annoyed out of their minds? It doesn't totally make sense.

We did. It rang and rang. I hung up and tried again. They answered.

“HELLO!” yelled the father's voice. There was no background noise to make him yell, and I pulled the phone away from my ear. His voice filled the house though my little speaker and I winced, bumping down the volume. He yelled again, “IS EVERYTHING FINE?”

Wizards. I rolled my eyes, then explained he should talk in a normal voice for the 'lamb' device to work best. Okay... Here we have a problem. What does the reader know now? Well, there are wizards, and there's magic. There are also phones, which the wizard doesn't seem to understand and shouts into. The MC has to explain that it's not necessary. Are we reading about Arthur Weasley? Most people have read Harry Potter, and therefore they will be able to connect these dots. The scene here is almost identical to that in HP, and the first chapter is not the place to threaten the reader with unoriginality. I understand that this is a realistic mistake to make if wizards are cut off from "normal" society, yet as a reader this puts me off.

“YOU KNOW—ahem—you know the difference between lamb and magic?”

“Yes, I need you and your wife here now.” I get the implication that there's a strong connection between her knowing the difference of "lamb and magic", and her needing the wizard there. Try a full stop after the "yes" to avoid this.

There was some muttering, then a bright light flashed in the hallway and voices drifted to me. No matter how long I'd been around the magics, I would never grow accustomed to their instant appearances and disappearances. Without the previous problem, I wouldn’t bat an eye. However, since it is there, this only strengthens the unfortunate connection to Harry Potter.

“We're here!” came the father's voice both over the phone and in the hall. I hung up.

“Good. I want you to come open this door.” Do these people need no explanation as to why they’re here? How did they know where she is? Do they know her? If they do, how come he seemed surprised at her knowledge of magic? I’m confused.

They had been walking to me, but the father stopped and paled at my request. His wife was instantly accepting, and they had a little discussion about why not to open the door. His wife won. Telling galore here! Compared to previous paragraphs, this is really weak. Show his hesitation, show his wife’s acceptance, give us dialogue and body language and proof, instead of declaring these things. “Show, don’t tell” is the single most important rule for writers.

“What do you want us to do? Just open it?” she asked. I’m still wondering why they’re not asking more questions. “Why are we here?” “Why do you want us to open a door?” Oh, and how come she had their phone numbers? So they do know each other? But she’s not referring to them by names, why? Sorry for bombarding you with questions, but as a reader, these are all the things that confuse me, and all the reasons for me to put down the book. I don’t need all answers now, but I need to feel like you know what you’re doing, and that these people are real persons with realistic concerns (like, “What the hell are you doing in this house?” “How do you know us?” etc. etc.)

“I need you to open the door and call for your son.”

“Our son?” gaped the wife, her wrinkled face sagging in horror, “But...how could this be him? He was a happy boy. He should be gone...there is a place to go?” How does she know about the ghost? There has been no mention of a ghost, not to these people. For them, a person called them, asked them to come “here”, they somehow knew where that was, and then started to demand that they open a door and call their son. As far as I know, they have no idea what she’s doing there or even if there is a ghost in the house.

“Of course he went to heaven!” cooed the father, then looked at me with scorn, “How dare you insinuate our boy was responsible for making that dreadful racket?” What? They’ve been here in the house? What? I’m so sorry, but I’m honestly confused. Same questions as above – how much do these people know, and how do they know it?

“I'm not saying he lead a sad life. Sometimes children die and get scared about going someplace strange. You need to talk to him, comfort him.” I said soothingly as I could muster, even though what I really wanted was to demand the full story. How was I supposed to help these people if they kept things hidden from me? I could see them hiding that they were magicians, but even with my discovery they treated me as an adversary instead of someone they called to help. I think the problem here is that ever since the wizards have been involved, the learning curve is insanely steep. I feel like I have not much of an idea of what’s going on. How much do they know each other? You could establish more of their relationship by adding dialogue.

Railey pointed to the door, where I saw skeleton fingers wrapping around the cracks. Railey frowned at me, and I did my best to keep my own horror at bay. The poor child had been watching his grave and understood he was dead. He would have seen other graves, too, and would take his form in varying states of decomposition. I had nightmares about these cases, and I knew the next few nights I wouldn't sleep at all and would rely on Railey's constant presence to stay assured of my safety. This paragraph, on the other hand, is great. :)

I mentally took back what I'd said to the parents. Children hiding from a new place did not dwell on their own demise. I never told the parents about the appearance of their children in these cases.

“I feel him! I feel him!” cried his mother. “Charles, come here!”

She knelt, and I heard scratching on the door.

“He's locked in,” said Railey.

I made a subtle motion gesturing between the two parents to ask her which one he was upset with, but this close up it seemed the mother was too animated.

“Her,” Railey said, “But he's angry with his father, too, for hiding—”

She stopped short and changed forms into a hound as the father twisted the key and pulled open the door. It swung wide into a child's room with toys strewn over the floor, ten years worth of dust coating everything. Railey growled, and both parents jumped.

“What was that?” said the father.

“My protector, it's fine,” I whispered, annoyed that he disrupted my concentration. I lost what little track I had of the boy, and now I regretted letting him loose upon the house. Railey had gone from my sight, too, and we waited in relative quiet. ”In relative quiet” sounds awkward, otherwise the parts up to here are great – there’s no extra reasons for confusion. “In silence” would probably work better though (the word “relative” doesn’t tell us much in this case).

“Charles! My son, come to me!” called the wife.

“Quiet!” I hissed. The house creaked and groaned and the air became thick and muggy. Good description. I'd missed my chance to snare him, and now I hoped Railey would catch him before he gathered up his energy caches.

The father sniffed the air and whispered, “What's rotten?”

I smelled decomposition, Don’t think you need that comma. too, a scent I would be lucky to get out of my nostrils within the next week. I berated myself for taking their case—I should have walked, but they had been so desperate. This boy wasn't a simple case of child crying at night for comfort—he'd been crying to feed off their fear, and possibly to build enough strength to take revenge. I’m starting to visualise what has happened: the parents have noticed a ghost in the house (not knowing it’s their son), and have requested her help in getting him out. They’re now understandably furious that she thinks it’s their son. I’ve got further questions though: the house seems unlived in (at least, it’s hinted at by the dust), so how come the parents are bothered? Also, if the mother can now feel that it’s her son, why wasn’t she able to sense that before? Once a ghost deteriorates this far, little was left of what they once were.

“What is that?” he insisted.

A loud thump vibrated against the hall wall, and noises of scuffling claws on tile came to us, then a boy's scream and a hound's snarl.

“My boy!” cried the mother, fetching a wand from her pocket.

I backhanded it away, my hand connecting with it midspell. The wand shot into the ceiling, and a backfire threw us all hard. The mother ended up in the bathroom behind her, the father in a corner, and I was tossed into the boy's room...and that's when I saw the writing on the wall, the careful brush strokes of a spell hidden as a decoration. I read it, and cold seeped into my very bones. An inducing spell.

“Dear, look!” cried the woman, pointing at me. The husband saw me and his eyes narrowed.

“Wait, let's talk—” I started to say, but the door slammed in my face and locked. I yanked on the handle, but it sizzled on my skin and I dropped it immediately, trapped as the boy had been. It was times like these when I was grateful for the trinkets my family gave me—and more so for Railey outside. We all heard her and the boy struggling, and I knew I would be needed very soon. I took a stud out of my ear piercing and pushed it into the door like a thumbtack, then stood back. It glowed red, then vibrated the door and the wood burst into flames and was gone. I caught the earring from the smoke. I slid the earring back in my lobe, walking through the doorway to the astonishment of the couple. Their door didn't even have a cinder left to it, all evaporated in a wisp of smoke.

The father threw an electric bolt at me—I ducked and it singed the wall behind me. Before he could toss another thing at me, I yanked off a citrine ring from my pinky and used it to copy what I looked like at that second, then I reached up to my charm necklace and slipped an invisibility ring on and darted away, leaving an illusion behind. The father loaded my illusion with more electric bolts, and the illusion puffed into a cloud of dust.

He hadn't given me time to get into position. I yanked off a forefinger ring and hurled it behind him. He whirled to face it, and a confused silver eagle stared back at him. I wondered if she would return to the ring after this, even though it was her home, she decided if she wanted to stay in it—and with me. It was a recent gift from my brother, and I hadn't had time to properly introduce myself to her. Being tossed into the middle of a fight was hardly the best greeting I'd ever given. She puffed out her feathers and raised her wings in threat, and the man refrained from attacking her. Silver eagles were known for their defensive abilities, and attacking them was considered more a waste of energy than treadmills. He turned from trying to find me and instead comforted his wife.

“I think she ran,” he said, worried.

“We're doomed for certain,” the woman cried, a heavy cry with snot and blubbering including. I’m confused… Did I miss something? Why did they attack her? Also, if she ran away, there’s no way for her to see or even necessarily hear this. Keep to your point of view.

I searched in utter silence for Railey—and found her dragging a boy through a wall into the hallway. I glanced over the scene, digging out my bottle of holy mud. I popped the cap open and squirted a healthy circle around the boy as soon as Railey hauled him free of his hiding place. She almost was trapped in the circle herself. Her hound form slit its eyes and glared at me.

“I got him before he could retrieve all his energy stores,” she huffed, returning to a girl form again. She had transparent holes and scratches riddling her body, and her entire shape was hazy and frail. I was about to lose her. I felt sticky scratches appearing on my own skin and my body ached; it was part of the sharing of life when you have a personal ghost.

I took off my invisibility ring and called to the couple.

“I have your son; he's safe. Will you please come and talk to me? No more throwing spells at a person who can't return the favor.”

They came forward, both deeply embarrassed and humbled. How does she know this? Describe their actions, but your character doesn’t know what they’re thinking.

“You...you won't tell?” asked the mother.

“Tell who what? I'm a lamb. Why would your Magic Constable listen to a person who can't do magic? Besides, you would have the room scrubbed clean before he got here. Just...put this straight.” I said and rubbed my forehead.

The corpse rallied and thrashed against the mud circle, yelling how he hated his parents and wanted to see them drove to their insanity. Some of his words must have gotten through, as his mother sobbed harder and his father looked up at me.

“What do we do?” he asked. The boy looked angry he couldn't reach through the circle and feed off their emotions.

“Start from the beginning. Tell me how it got like this.”

“What...what's that circle made from? Will it hurt him?” said the mother suddenly, reaching out.

“Don't touch it! No, it won't hurt him. It's holy water and consecrated ground a priest gave to me.” I snapped, ready to give up on this job right now.

“A...a priest?” her eyes opened wide, “Are you a demon hunter?”

“No, that would be my parents.” I said and spoke quicker, “The priest had another priest ghost who wanted to touch his congregation on the head to bless them, and that freaked some people out. That's all.”

“...oh.” she seemed both comforted and even more distressed, “...We must seem terrible to you.”

I shook my head and otherwise ignored her comment, saying, “Tell me what was going on—why the spell to induce magic?”

The father started, “He was being bullied. All his siblings had magic and all our friends and their children did...and he...he was a lamb.”

The thing in the circle looked like he had been while living—a sandy blond boy all arms and legs and massive dome-shaped head. He had a black eye. Did he change his form from the zombie? It would give more emotional conflict for the parents if he kept his undead form, but if he’s got a reason for changing it, that’ fine. :)

“And,” said his mother, “he begged us to do anything at all to make him normal.”

“And you eventually put him in an inducing spell.”

“...yes. I cast it, I thought we could abort it...” said the father.

I'd heard that before. Parents that desperate always thought they could stop it if it wasn't “working”, but the trouble was, that magic always worked given enough time.

“But I suggested it. Suggested. He always blamed me.” said the mother, having regained some of her senses.

“Charles,” I said, “do you remember this?”

He began to sniff and he looked like Railey usually did—a little transparent and with a distinct glow. His glow was red and yellow, where Railey's was white-ish blue.

“I remember,” he whispered and tears started to tumble down his cheeks. My circle was cutting his spirit free from the spell and thankfully he was a strong boy, and he was reclaiming himself. I'd trapped one child who, deprived of the spell, shriveled to nothing but a dust ball.

“Why hasn't he left?” asked the mother.

“The spell is black magic, anyone locked in it for long will develop magic but it will never be for good. His spirit was trapped with that spell, and he learned to frighten your family and store that energy in caches. Once you let him go, he went straight for them.”

“...with them, what could he do?” asked the father.

“At worst?” I raised my eyebrows and chewed on the corner of my lip, “At worst, he could have suffocated someone and trapped their soul with his. My protector stopped him and got rid of the caches, but you can see on me how he hurt her.”

They called up a soft light ball and gasped at the web of fine scratches marking my arms.

The boy snickered and I sighed, knowing it would take a while longer before he was completely himself again.

“Tell me what his favorite thing was. We need to focus on the positive now.”

It took a few minutes before it came out that he loved anything to do with toys—playing with them, designing them, and making them. I started up a working dialogue between the three and let them share in favorite memories, everyone commenting on how he could make anyone smile. I talked between them for quite some time, and I saw each of them drop their strained faces and soon they were laughing and smiling.

“Oh, how he could make a person smile!” said his father.

“That was his magic,” I said.

“What?” asked the mother.

“You said he could always make people smile—the girl who stumbled in the park, his brother when there were carrots in the pot pie, you when you lost your uncle. Even now, he's making you smile at the memory of him, talking to him. That is his magic.”

His father pondered on this, then he said, “He could do it when no one else could. It was magic, just not how we were used to thinking about it. I can't believe how big of a fool I was.”

“Your family has been living this secret for far too long. You need to have a professional come in to clean out that room. Then you can have your son released. You said he has a great-uncle waiting for him?” I asked, feeling fatigue wreak havoc on my neck and forehead.

“Yes. Donnie.”

Railey returned to me, tattered and worn through. She gave me an all-clear sign and let herself fall into nothingness. I felt her absence and it made me both scared and relieved.

“You two, stand around the circle and join hands. Pray for Donnie to come to the boy.” You’ve got priests, and you’ve got praying. Just making sure: you’ve got this religion figured out, right? With ghosts, demons and magic the reader knows it will have to be different from any of our core religions, and some explanation later in the book would establish the setting more.

I stood and began to hobble down the hall, but the father's voice halted me.

“Are...are you going to tell about this?”

I frowned and turned to meet his eyes in the early morning light. “I used to belong to your world. I don't anymore. I have no one to turn this in to. I can't. But you can.”

The silver eagle flew to me, carrying her ring in her beak, and slipped back into it as I put the ring back on my finger. I went to leave. The wife rushed to hand me an envelope—payment, she whispered, kissing me on the cheek—and I left the house, heading into the sunrise in hopes of finding a park to wash up and rest at.



***


I found little rest in Ferret Park after I cleaned myself up and fell asleep on a bench. Even in the quiet of the park, people buzzed on about the man who turned himself in. They pondered why, after all these years, would he choose now to come clean?

“Why do you suppose he did it?” asked the lady next to me in line. In line? I thought she was sleeping on the bench?

I really only wanted some time in peace, so I answered bluntly. “He got tired of hearing his son's ghost crying at night.”

“What?” said the lady in surprise.

“Ghost,” I said, then stepped up to the vendor and ordered a cream-cheese frosted orange sweet roll.

My mouth salivated over it, the way it was still warm enough to melt the icing just enough to be appealing, but not so much that the icing turned into a puddle of sugar. I bit into it eagerly, ordering a second one before I could reach my stash of cash in my pocket. No one dared to bring up the subject to me again, and I paid for both rolls. I trotted to a sloped lawn, holding one orange roll in each hand, proudly displaying them before my senses. I sat cross-legged and gazed at the golden bread, the bright pops of orange peel, the stiff cream cheese frosting melting into the gaps of the roll. I set one plate on the grass. I peeled the end of the roll with my fingers and chewed the sweet bread, rolling it over my tongue, lavishing in the sweet sugar, the bite of orange, the richness of the cream cheese. I ate it, twisting the plate around and around until I was down to the knobby center with a massive glob of icing on top. I shoved it all into my mouth and started on the second roll. Look, unless these rolls play a major, major part in your story, this paragraph is completely unnecessary. It’s listing actions of little importance, and placing far too much description on eating.

Halfway though the second roll, my stomach felt stretched and contented. I put the remainder of the roll down to nibble on later and licked clean my fingers, enjoying the late morning sun healing my barely-there scratches. They looked like cat scratches did after a few days. At this distance from the benches, I could no longer hear the talk and gossip. I wondered what the magical world reported on. The Lamb version was a stub and little more, I was surprised they even had that. I didn't want to think on about, not on last night. I didn't want to think forward to tonight, I wanted to relax and recuperate in the sun without any clients to talk to me—Death most certainly included.

A little black songbird came to visit me. At first I was glad of its presence and whistling song, but when it fluffed itself to preen, I spied that the pattern of its yellow wing feathers was a skull. My smile fell.

“No work today, Death, please.”

The bird twirped and hopped closer. Maybe Death simply meant to give me appreciation. He usually sent me crows, not pretty songbirds. I tossed it a tear of my roll, and it happily pecked at the thumb-sized portion before picking it up and flying to a bush. A black cat came out of the bush, eying the bird, then gave a purr when it saw me. It rubbed its dusty fur against my arm and fell into my lap. I stroked it down its back, then scratched its throat. The cat kneaded my lap.

“I take it you met Charles this morning.” I said. Death had apparently declared me one of his unofficial agents, and I wasn't certain of how I felt about that yet. I had never met him, but he had been sending me jobs for over three years. The last few months had been draining, difficult cases, each one taking me deeper and deeper into the magical world. Railey's limited magic wouldn't serve us very well if Death sent us on an even more dangerous job—she was fading, and I worried she would soon loose her mind. I bit my lip to keep my composure. She died thirteen years ago, and it was well past time she met Death herself—she'd been dodging his creatures her entire after-life and these last few months it had been nearly impossible to get away from any number of black animals. I like the way you describe your world. No major confusion here, just curiocity.

“Maow,” said the cat, and the bird cast its voice into a cheery song.

I pulled my fingers back from the cat and it looked up at me with large yellow eyes, then rubbed its head on my shirt.

“Death, I'm serious. I don't want to work today. I can't work today.”

I fell back on the grass, shut my eyes, and ignored the cat even when it nibbled then bit my fingers. I slept soundly, listening to the songbird and the water fountain, the kitty napping on my belly, digging its claws into my shirt.







Someone stood over me. I felt their shadow fall over my face.

“Are you Feralyne Swift?” came a man's gruff voice, his accent like one straight out of a Sherlock Holmes' I don’t think you need the ‘ movie.

“Not today.” I said, refusing to open my eyes.

A smooth, velvety laugh came from another man and I heard him sit next to me, though the first man remained standing.

The man sitting next to me said, “Who are you today, then?”

“A body at rest.”

He tapped my hand. I stifled a yawn and a stretch, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

The standing man had a very square face and deep jowls, a human bulldog in about every sense of the word, except he wore a handlebar mustache. His body matched his face: stocky, muscled, and with a small beer belly.

The man beside me had red hair with blond highlights and almost black lowlights—it would have been an entirely artificial color if he'd been strictly human, but his eyes were peculiar as well, mostly golden with red-brown rims and green flecks. He was some sort of magical creature, either naturally possessing a human form or under a change spell. It was rude to ask what he was, so I kept my tongue in check.

The standing man appeared completely uninterested in me, instead surveying the park with all the attention of a working lawman. I squinted a little and saw creases in his receding hair where a constable's cap normally rested.

“You guys here about the boy and his parents?” I guessed, but I knew my guess had to be wrong—the Constable would be the one paying me attention, and his protector would be aloof. I did a double-take on the man next to me, not entirely sure what made me assume he was a protector. The most obvious reason was that magic lawmen never left their territory unguarded, but the next reason was I just felt power and authority roll off the man beside me. Though I had been intent on being cranky to the point of chasing them off, I found the man's welcoming curiousity infectious.

“What?” the constable snapped, his attention suddenly on me, “What do you know about that?”

The man beside me waved off the implied accusations, “Barnes, she was the cleanser.”

Barnes squinted, his rectangular eyes reduced to wrinkles, “She can't be.”

“She is indeed a curious creature,” said the other man, admiring my eyes. How does she know that he’s specifically admiring her eyes? He could be looking at them, sure, but she can’t know his intentions.

Barnes was less than impressed, “Leave her be, Mordon, the only thing curious about her is how a lamb managed to get lucky with a ghost and wizard parents.”

“I am not a lamb,” I snipped, then remembered myself, “No one is. The term is archaic, outdated, and incorrect, and people will not stop using it unless you set an example.”

Barnes snorted, “Fine. What should I call you folks, muggles?” Now you’re drawing the line to Harry Potter on purpose. I’d say it’s unwise. The universe is entirely different, and you have no reason to use that word here. It also raises the question if people read Harry Potter in this universe – I’m guessing not.

I slapped my face at the British term. “You are missing the point.”

“My point is I don't understand what a 'magically-reduced person' is going to do to help our cause.”

I wanted to throw something at him, “I'm not a—I'm cursed. I'm a witch, sorceress, enchantress, miracle worker, whatever term you want to use. I just can't do what I was born to do.”

Both men stared at me. Barnes' face registered confusion and surprise, and I could only glance at Mordon's sad face before I turned my gaze down to the grass, heat spreading over my cheeks. I didn't want their pity, I didn't want them to suggest a cure. Much of my life had been taken up with false hopes and ridiculous cures, and I finally grew tired of devoting my life to regaining what I'd lost. I started house cleansing and I found the work rewarding. Liking the character, but I wonder if there could be a subtler way to give us this information. Maybe remove the last sentence to make it shorter?

“I don't want your pity or help with this. Just...tell me the address of the job. I'll investigate it and tell you if I can do anything.” You’re repeating the “I don’t want your pity” almost word by word here. Leave it out here or in the paragraph above, there’s no reason to be repetitive.

Barnes nodded to Mordon and walked a little distance to the edge of the pond, making friends with the local waterfowl. A black swan swam near him.

“I think you know it.”

“Is it up the street and around the bend?”

He nodded. “613 Ferret Drive.”

“I don't want to go back there.”

“Because of what happened to Willow Fitzgerald?”

I winced, “I call her Railey.”

Willow was her mother's name, and her grandmother's, and her great-grandmother's.

“I don't want to go back.” I said.

A chill ran through my body, sapping away what energy I had managed to regain. I put my hand on my forehead, feeling my pulse throbbing through my fingers. My stomach turned over and I shivered. Railey was trying to take form again, but it was too soon, she was stressing my body. This was the sort of thing we only did in emergencies, each time was worse, the last time we did this I woke up with a welt on my head in the middle of the kitchen floor in an abandoned house. Two days had passed, and I had to go to the hospital for dehydration.

“What's wrong?” Mordon asked, then took my head in both his hands, pressing two fingers against my temples.

I felt energy flow into me, easing my headache first, then my stomach stopped writhing, then my aches and chills began to fade. Mordon pulled away to rub his own temple.

Barnes had come back to us during this and put his fists on his hips, “Mordon, what was that?”

Mordon let out a breath, having regained his light golden skin color, “Energy transfer. Her ghost wants to be part of the conversation.”

“Ghost?” Barnes looked over his shoulder and fidgeted.

“How else did you think she worked? Cleansers always work in pairs, else they end up knocked out in a tomb.”

“You blindly trusted a stranger with your magic? Mordon, you've gone looney.”

“She's not a stranger, she's—she's someone I've waited a long time to meet.”

Barnes squinted at Mordon, then raised his eyebrows wide, “Oh? Oh! Her?”

Before I could insist on some sort of explanation, a bubbly giggle came from behind me. I turned my head to see Railey, and I glared at her, quietly demanding a reason for her emergency conjuring.

“I suppose you want me to take this job?” I said with a bitter edge.

“I can't stay a ghost forever,” she said, then spied a duck wandering too close; she swiped at it.

I wasn't so sure I could take the job. “Leave the duck alone, please.”

She huffed at me, “I can't even make it fluff up...I met Death. Grandma was there, too, they were eating her Kitchen Sink Cookies, and Whiskers was on her lap, and—Fera, I want to go home.”

I remembered her grandmother's cookies filled with whatever bits of dried fruit and chocolate chips she had on hand. Whiskers had been our favorite, even when we found burrs and sticks in his fluffy white fur.

“Why don't you go?” I asked.

She groaned, “Out the window I saw that house and all the people he trapped. Fera, they'll never get to go home to have cookies and milk with their families.”

She died trying to free them. I supposed that sometimes, dying for a cause wasn't enough. I nodded.

I turned my attention back to the men. Mordon watched me with patience and Barnes had paced a trampled line in the lawn while muttering about an appointment.

“You'll do it?” Mordon said.

“I'll do it.”

“Bout bloody time!” grumbled Barnes.

“Go chase a duck,” said Mordon without furor. Barnes huffed and went to stare at the water again.

“I don't suppose you will wait until I am available to investigate the site with you?” Mordon asked. I shook my head. Mordon knew this would be the answer, and pulled a thick chain from around his neck. A compass was on it. He handed it to me.

“I want you to come see me if you need anything—money, supplies, enchanted trinkets, help...”

“Might take you up on the money and trinkets,” I said, half-teasing, half-serious.

“I wish you would let me accompany you.”

“Afraid of losing me?” I teased.

He smiled sadly and let out a breath, looking away, “Actually, yes.”

I stared at him, recognizing genuine care and fear in his eyes. Also, some sadness. It was like we had been friends, and I'd gone and completely forgot about him. I was tempted to press the subject, but he spoke again.

“It's an old merchant's trinket. It takes you where you want to go. I have a shop called King's Ransom, you're welcome at any hour.”

I nodded. Barnes had come back and was twitching his mustache the way a cross horse twitches its tail. Mordon collected his legs under him smoothly and they walked away.

I slid the compass over my neck, stretched in the hot sun, and winked at Railey.

“Hey, girl, how about an ice cream cone to eat on the way over?”

A monster smile spread over her face and she bounced, her pigtails flapping up and down.

“Ooo! Ooo! Do they have bubblegum?” she squealed.

“We will see,” I laughed, following her dart to the ice cream cart, joining the gaggle of children peering in to see the flavors. My smile faded as I realized this would be the last time we celebrated a job well-done. I hoped they had bubblegum flavor in heaven. I got in line and bought one small bubblegum and one cookies and cream. Railey eagerly snatched it away and licked violently at it, succeeding in eating more than she dripped as we walked up the hill and around the bend. We caused a couple bike crashes before someone announced I must be holding the cone suspended on a string.

Railey cackled and skipped far in front of me, appearing to all others as a floating, dripping ice cream cone carried on the wind. I rolled my eyes. It would never get old to her. That was one of the things I loved about her. I already missed her terribly.


Alright, general impressions. I like the setting, and I'm intrigued by it. However, I'm not sure if there's enough story to judge - I'll get to that in a minute. Some of your description was really amazing, but you need to be careful to keep it that way. I pointed out problems above, and one of the biggest would be the steep learning curve. That's always the most difficult part in fantasy, but you need to get it right. The amount of confusion about some of the scenes, as well as the huge amount of information about the society, all the trinkets and powers and things, it just gets too much. It's fatiguing, and I caught myself skipping parts that had to do with some of those areas - a very dangerous thing to drive a reader to, since it got me even more confused. I'd say, pay attention to how much information you're withholding, and how much you’re pouring on the reader at once.

Now, to your goals.
1. Introduce Feralyne, the essence of who she is and what she does
2. Imply she is growing tired of her 3+ year occupation
3. Introduce the Inducing Spell, why it happens, and what it can cause (this will be important later)

You succeeded very well in 1. Overall, I think I know Feralyne – her voice is strong, her situation clear. Good job! :) However, 2. is a little lacking. I did get this impression, but the ”this job is rewarding” thought threw me off. Be careful of giving conflicting information. 3. is there, but amidst all the confusion I had in that part, I think I missed some of the explanations. I’d definitely suggest you make that section as clear as humanly possible, so that we can focus on this goal.
I’ll also comment on your future goals a little:
1. Introduce Mordon and Barnes
2. Introduce Railey's fading problem
3. Set her on the start of a new journey

If Mordon and Barnes are important to the story, 1. sounds good. You already set up 2., which is great. 3., however, worries me. I hope you understand the importance of introducing the plot as early as possible. The first case, while a great way to show setting, should also have something to do with your story, as should the next case she’s going into. Nothing that happens in the first chapter should be meaningless – remember, the beginning is your first (and, often, only) chance to convince your readers to buy and read your book. The first chapter is where you make your promises, and you need to make sure every promise you make is intentional (say, the promise that the opening case will play some part in the future, since it’s given so much attention).

All around, I like this. It has to be edited, but what doesn’t? Revision, revision, revision. There’s no such thing as good writing, only good rewriting. This has the potential to be a great opening chapter, it just needs some polishing. Good job, keep writing, thanks for sharing this chapter and letting me review it!
Blessed are the legend-makers with their rhyme / of things not found within recorded time. - J. R. R. Tolkien: Mythopoeia ┃ avatar




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1900
Reviews 12
OK, I know I said I'd work on this "later", but I read your review prior to getting in the shower, and we all know what happens when we writers engage in a brainless activity--we think and create. So, viola, in reply to mephet's very useful critique, I present draft number three (subtitled: In which writing starts to get good).

And, yes, you will notice I left the divine description of the roll. Because yes, it is an important set-up to show how she changes in future chapters. And, I'm so happy you think that Mordon and Barnes are important. Cuz they are. Very. The parents, however...meh, why do you think I didn't provide physical descriptions, or definite names? It's their experience that is important. I thought about making the inducing spell much more obvious, but I want it to be mostly looked over. It would be too little of a mystery if people knew off the bat what the mystery to 613 was.

You will noticed I edited the original entry to reflect the changes made. I figured that mephet had the original all recorded in a spoiler, in case someone wanted to see it, too.
Bob: hmm, there's a lesson in all this.
Mr. Eglamore: Okay. Let's hear it.
Bob: Never let sixty angry kids use a herd of laser cows to take over your house.

Gunnerkrigg Court is awesome.
http://www.gunnerkrigg.com/archive_page.php?comicID=632




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42011
Reviews 922
Hello there! I've actually been meaning to review this forever, but time has never been on my side. But that is all about to change!

They said it had been their son's room, and no one was allowed to disturb it, which I accepted.

Okay, this immediately raises a red flag. I've already read the chapter once, so I know what's going to happen, but even on a first read-through, the fact that this is pointed out so insistently so early on is very suspicious. Already, I'm on high alert for this room and the clients' son. Any suspense or surprise twist about either of those things is going to have its effect dampened by the fact that I'm already on the look out for them.

Also, we need to know your main character's name. It's seriously about a page or so before we find out what her name is. That's important information. A little earlier would be nice? Please?

“Still talking to that ghost?” he teased.

Um, yes, yes she is and you're very insensitive about the whole thing, aren't you? I mean, wasn't it a tragic childhood death and a traumatic experience all the way around or something?

Or maybe he's not, but it seems like here he doesn't seem to believe her all that much. Or maybe he does. Then why doesn't he address Railey herself? I dunno, this just seemed like a weird exchange to me.

“Leazar!”I shrieked, ignoring the glares my outburst gathered from the others sitting around us.

Where exactly is she? In a coffee-shop (like, out on a veranda or something)? Among family members? Where? If she's in a coffee-shop and she wasn't expecting him, how did he find her? They apparently haven't been in contact for quite a bit of time. Why are they meeting up again now of all times?

I glared at him, “You married her and didn't recite your pedigree? Tisk, tisk!”

Mmmkay, seeing as how the relationship between the species is kind of tensioned and rather important, this seems like a really jarringly bad move on his part. I mean, yeah, quick wedding, impassioned affections and all that, but seriously, she shouldn't be finding out from his sister that he's half-fey. That definitely should have been addressed in private between the two of them already. The only reason it's here is so the audience gets a glimpse into the politics of this world. And that's kind of bad.

See, most of this conversation is info-dumping: that Leazar is married, that Feralyne is cursed, that they are mixed-blood, that Railey is a ghost, what Feralyne's job is, etc. etc. It just goes on and on, throwing information at us without really getting into any action. It's important background information, but because we haven't seen the characters do anything with it yet, we don't really care. Make it a little more interactive. Let us get to know the characters more before we find out their backstory. Let us see Feralyne working around her curse before you talk about it. It immerses the readers that much more and gets us hooked on the characters so we'll keep reading no matter what happens.

Shadows wriggled in the house, eerie and sharp

This section here is actually a more interesting beginning place. Sure, we're starting right in the middle of action, but we get an immediate sense of character, situation, and the stakes involved. The meeting with Leazar can always come somewhere else. All that information can always be worked in at some other point in the story. It doesn't all have to be dumped in the beginning.

“Hello?” came the father's voice, hesitant and fumbling as though he wasn't sure he had pressed the right buttons.

I have a question here: if they don't have any "lamb" devices, how did they get this phone? Did she give it to them? And if she did, why is she having to explain this to them?

Also, why are magic folk apparently cut off from the rest of modern society? I mean, sure, I can see that maybe they don't find it necessary to use them, but unless this is Harry Potter and wizards have their own society, I don't see why there can't be a meshing. I mean, I don't own a toaster, but I am still aware of how they work and how to use one. This just seems too unnecessarily like HP.

“I am not a Lamb,” I snipped, then remembered myself, “No one is. The term is archaic, outdated, and incorrect, and people will not stop using it unless you set an example.”

Barnes snorted, “Fine. What should I call you, the politically-correct 'magically-reduced person'?

Lulz. Seriously, this cracked me up.

Aww, the ending was so sweet and sad and suspenseful. I liked it.

Mordon and Barnes were interesting. What is their history, I wonder?

I'm pretty hooked. This seems to be an interesting world you have set up here. There are some details I'm still a little fuzzy on, but I'm willing to roll with the punches and see what turns out. I'll ask questions as they come to me, so hopefully nothing goes without being answered in future chapters.

Me likies. On to future chapters for me!

Feel free to send me a PM or drop a line on my wall if you have any questions or comments!

~Gryph
I am reminded of the babe by you.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3287
Reviews 34
Hello! I am here to add a second opinion, although it will probably be much like whatever opinion came before it.
Spelling: I found no spelling mistakes, but they were probably cleaned up after the first review, if there ever were any mistakes.
Grammar: I also found no grammatical mistakes leftover from the 'cleanup' you did. Good job so far!
Flow: This story has a nice flow. It may have been long, but it kept my attention the whole time. Great job with that (I am almost falling asleep from lack therof, so that is a feat to be proud of!
Punctuation/capitalization: I found no errors here, and they probably never existed, as they are fairly hard to make.

Overall general asessment: Excellent job with this piece, and good luck with further writing and the self publishing!



----LostMagi
"Fourty-two"
- Deep Thought

"There is no spoon"
-Strange Child

"C IS FOR COOKIE! THATS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!"
- Cookie Monster, may he Rest In Peace

"Bow ties are cool"
- The Doctor




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3287
Reviews 34
Hello! I am here to add a second opinion, although it will probably be much like whatever opinion came before it.
Spelling: I found no spelling mistakes, but they were probably cleaned up after the first review, if there ever were any mistakes.
Grammar: I also found no grammatical mistakes leftover from the 'cleanup' you did. Good job so far!
Flow: This story has a nice flow. It may have been long, but it kept my attention the whole time. Great job with that (I am almost falling asleep from lack therof, so that is a feat to be proud of!
Punctuation/capitalization: I found no errors here, and they probably never existed, as they are fairly hard to make.

Overall general asessment: Excellent job with this piece, and good luck with further writing and the self publishing!



----LostMagi
"Fourty-two"
- Deep Thought

"There is no spoon"
-Strange Child

"C IS FOR COOKIE! THATS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!"
- Cookie Monster, may he Rest In Peace

"Bow ties are cool"
- The Doctor



You wanna get nuts? Let's get nuts.
— LEGO Batman