Trade Mistakes (2)

Hey guys! I'm finally posting chapter two. This chapter isn't really anything big. It's one of those "just there" chapters I guess. I might rewrite this, but here you go! Enjoy and rip it apart, thanks!

I edited as much as I could. Hopefully it's a little bit better. I'll be posting chapter three tomorrow if i don't loose power or connection from the hurricane! Thanks everyone
-Pshhxhoney


I left the room and started to walk to my old dorm room. Since it was junior year everyone had already specialized, except me. I hadn’t been able to test out which specialty I would be best in. Usually the majority of witches specialized in the elements, but in unique cases we have shapeshifters and potions makers. Potion makers usually end up as Trackers because they are able to tell when and what spells are being used as well as potions.
Shapeshifters usually helped with Trackers to help sniff out the person or persons they are looking for. Shapeshifters are able to shift into any type of animal they want to. Trackers and shapeshifters usually work for the Council also. As for the people that specialize in the elements they usually work as professors, nursers, and other common witch jobs.
Specializing usually takes a year, which is what sophomore year is all about. Junior year everyone takes their classes specific to their specialization, except for me. My schedule had sophomore classes on it as well as some common junior classes. I didn’t want to spend my time with sophomores. I wanted to be with people my age, especially being away from them for so long. I felt like a child. I had a Tracker following me around, who was MIA at the moment, and I had to take sophomore classes. I was ready to go storming into John’s office and tell him off. I couldn’t do that though. I was on probation.
School had already ended for the day because everyone was out on the grounds. I wanted to avoid everyone momentarily. I was tired. They had woken me up in the middle of the night and driven me straight to Maine. The car was crowded with Trackers and I was squeezed in between them unable to sleep. Suddenly sleep sounded like the best thing in the world. I speed walked to my dorm and flopped onto my bed. Everything in my dorm was the same. My dorm room was small. A twin sized bed, closet, and bathroom. I got up and opened up my closest, my clothes were still in there from freshmen year. I looked in my bathroom, everything was still there. I still had all of my things. I went back to my bed and started to close my eyes when I heard a knock on my door.
Couldn’t these people cut me some slack? All I wanted to do was sleep. I went and opened my door. There was a man, maybe a couple of years older than me. He was tall, very tall. He was at least a few inches over six feet. He had short dark hair. His eyes clearly indicated that his easiest shift was a cougar, which was common for many Shifters. They were shaped like a cat’s, which suited him. Hey eyes were hidden under dark lashes, but they shone a bright yellow, with fleck of green in them. I would say he was good looking, but not when he was going to be the one watching me.
“I thought they were having a Tracker follow me around, not a Shapeshifter,” I questioned, opening the door more so he could come in.
“They thought it would be more fitting to have a Shapeshifter follow since you will be on campus.” He came inside hesitantly and shut the door.
“So wolf, huh?” I sat down on my bed, the Shapeshifter still standing.
“Yes. I didn’t come here to have a conversation with you about my animal though. I came to introduce myself. I’m Daniel Barker. If you need anything during the night I will be in the dorm room next door.” His tone was very serious. He would be fun to joke around with.
“Oh, so serious, Mr. Barker. Also I won’t be needing you at all. I’m going to sleep, so you can go now.”
“Vivian, I think it’s best if you attend dinner.”
“Oh, no. They must’ve given you a whole file on me if you know my name,” I said sarcastically.
“They did.”
“So, if you know anything about me I’ve been on my own for a year and half, so I’m pretty good at conjuring my own meal if I get hungry. “ I played with my fingers as a tease that I might actually use my magic. I was way too tired to use my magic though.
“I’m permitted to stay here until curfew,” he said, while looking at my fingers.
“Well, you can leave now though because I’m going to sleep and I’m sure you don’t want to watch me sleep. Trust me it’ll be our little secret.” I gave him a wink.
“I can’t do that.” He said firmly.
“Gosh, you’re persistent. Fine stay and watch me sleep then.” I put the covers around me and laid down. I fell into the most peaceful sleep I’ve had since a year and a half.

Hi I'm Kenzie. ^-^

First of all, I liked it. However I felt that in a lot of places you just dumped all the information at once. To the keep the story more interesting and not to confusing I suggest gradually explaining rather than dumping all the information at once.

pshhxhoney wrote:“I thought they were having a Tracker follow me around, not a Shapeshifter.” I questioned, opening the door more so he could come in.

There should be a comma before the quotation mark.

pshhxhoney wrote:“Oh, no. They must’ve given you a whole file on me if you know my name.” I said sarcastically

Again, comma before quotation mark.

pshhxhoney wrote:“I’m permitted to stay here until curfew.” He said, while looking at my fingers.

there should be a comma before the quotations, and "He" shouldn't be capitilized.

Throughout the chapter I thought that you could have added more depth- show not tell. Make sure you're in key with the characters senses and everything that's going on and really put yourself into her shoes.

Overall, I think you did a pretty good job! Keep writing!

~Anchor

I like it so far. You had short, easy to read paragraphs that flowed.
I agree with Kenzie, though, that you might be able to add more detail. This part, in particular, stands out to me.

“So wolf, huh?” I sat down on my bed, the Shapeshifter still standing. Even though Shapeshifters can shift into whatever animal they wanted to, there was always one animal that was the easiest to shift into for them. This was easily detectable on them by their eyes. A Shapeshifter’s eye usually becomes the color and occasionally the shape of the animal they shift into the most. This can be cool if you shift into a cougar or wolf, but not if it’s a fly or chameleon.

This is telling us, not showing us. Instead, you might say, I could tell from his eyes. They were completely black and resembled a wolf. The tails were on the outside, pointing towards his ears, and the snouts pointed towards his nose.
Is that how they look? We as readers want to know.

MM

Okay...I was going to be serious here until I saw Anchor's avatar. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

*cough, cough* Ok...I'm going to be serious.

I kind of like this chapter. The only thing I don't like is it seems a little short. Like this chapter could have been longer. I do want to get to know this girl more because to me, she just seems like a rebel. Also, if she ran away than she must be thinking of a plan to do by now just to run away. That's the only thing I will note on. Other than that, it's good but in need of a little work. Keep writing and Good luck.

I like this story. Vivian is a daring girl, I see. She seems pretty unique to me already. I'll be looking forward to reading the rest of the chapters when you post them. I'm intrigued about what's going to happen next. Oh, do post chapter 3 soon. It's so interesting.

pshhxhoney wrote:Shapeshifters usually helped with Trackers to help sniff out the person or persons they are looking for

I love the idea. This story is very refreshing. I have a question, can the shapeshifters shapeshift into different humans too or just animals?
I like the idea that you kept it short. More poeple are going to read it and once they do, they're going to want to read more.