Slow Down

This is my poem Slow Down. It's the first work I have posted on here, and I would really appreciate some feedback on it. Thanks so much!

Slow Down


Slow down.
You may pass things by that are important
Or not notice the beauty of nature
Like the lush green grass,
The birds chirping merrily,
And the brilliant azure sky.


Take your time.
You may not fully comprehend the importance
Of small things
Like the touch of love in a child’s hug,
The aura of gentleness about an elderly person,
Or the kindness of a neighbor.


Relax.
You may not realize it’s not the end of the world
When you fail at something
Like a low grade on a test,
Being late for an appointment,
Or not succeeding in your goal to lose weight.


Enjoy things.
You may be rushing by too fast
To enjoy the beauty of life
Like the twinkle in a baby’s eye,
A mother’s love,
Or the gentleness of an elderly person’s squeeze.


Take these to heart.
But most importantly,
Slow down.

This is a poem I wrote about a year ago, so it might not be as good as other ones I have written. I really would like some feedback on this poem. Thanks!

Mary

I haven't seen any of your other work, so I can't judge this in comparison to anything. However, I really do hope you've gotten better at writing in the last year. This was nothing special at all. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't really think that it could really be improved either. It was like making a point for the sake of making a point; it had no emotion in it, like a series of orders.

Feel free to disagree with me.

Anyway, I'm gonna go look for more of your work, just to see where you're at now. I look forward to it.

Thanks Inertia! After reading over the poem again, it really is dry. I guess I'll just store this in the archives of my memory...thank you soooo much for your advice. I haven't posted any other work on here but plan to soon. It's so nice getting this feedback! So far only my mom and a few select others have given me feedback, but I want some other critiques, so I really appreciate you responding to it. I guess the key to good writing is to express tons of emotion in it (in a good way!). Thanks again!
Keep the comments comin'!

Mary

I must agree with Inertia - this poem feels bland despite the meaning behind it. Perhaps with a slight elaboration, or with a bit more emotion shining through, this could move my heart a slight bit more.

I dont usally say things about poems to people well because im better at stories than i am at poetry and reading my stories that means most my poems stink.....but i do have to agree with them there was bland and it didnt have any emotion....

Great poem! I liked it! Didn't I tell you that I would critique some of your work. wa la I am here!

I don't think it was bland, but then again I can't say im too familiar with your other poems.

I think this was a really cute poem, and I think that it did have meaning, and that is to slow down lol. I like this!

Meevs
x

Show, don't tell.

Though doing both can be effective at times, for now I'd reccomend focusing on the former

However, you need to work on your phrasings.

Cut the fluff- fill it up instead with meaningful things (don't just hav elines to have them, 'cause chances are they're dragging the poem down)

Oh, and read a lot of different kinds of poetry. Find what you like, and learn how to use it. Sift, shift it, shape it to be your own.

~Ed

Oh dear... this is an old poem, LOL.

Anyway, it's not just the details, but rather how the details are strategically placed. For instance, I can say that the grass is green, but that doesn't really matter in the long run. Your friends are nouns and verbs. Verbs like "is" and the like tend to be less powerful in poetry, but if you want to get crazy and use cool verbs like "hop" "chose" and the like, then it gets interesting.

...though I think you have improved since this, LOL.

Thank you, thank you, Snoinkus. I totally forgot about this poem...*cringes* I hate to have thought I even wrote it! It's so...bland! lol

I sure HOPE I've improved since then!

Wiggy

I think it needs more punctuation...

Anyway, this seems like a mildly preachy poem, and preachy poems make me squeal inside and freak out. But the idea of slowing down works nicely for me, because I can relate to the strong need to calm down, breath, and look at the good.

I think this could turn into something really good if you wrote about someone, and kept the idea in it, but gave it a more concrete or solid subject mater. It's a good topic, but it is just that, the way you presented it, it doesn't make a good poem. So, find another method of presentation ^_~