True Eternal Love

When just holding hands brightens your day,
or the smile that takes your breath away,
a girl to pour your heart into,
a nice day on the river just you two drifting in a small canoe,
the embrace of someone when your in need,
knowing if she ever left you couldn't proceed

Heart felt talks between you and me,
up all night stargazing in an old oak tree,
someone there to keep you strong,
together, wherever, you'll travel along,
long walks on the shore of the sea
to my heart you've got the skeleton key

A kiss left on the top of her head,
my affection could never fully be said,
my love for her could only ascend,
loving forever a best friend,
finger sifting through my hair,
reminding her I will always be there

Late nights warmed by a fire,
protecting my hearts only desire,
feet hung down dipping in the lake,
asking each day if your awake,
a picnic for two in the shade,
making fresh spring lemonade

Her in my lap with my arms as a jacket,
kissing on new years through all the racket,
using my finger to wipe her tears,
carrying her asleep to her bed upstairs,
Biking together through the park,
protecting her in the dark

An innocent kiss in the rain,
someone who will always know your pain,
a partner there for emotion not money,
knowing each day will always feel sunny,
snuggling together in the cold,
we will live forever together past when we are old

Spoiler

This is what I feel true love is and I wont stop until I find it. I wanted to relate my image of true love to that of God in a simple and subtle way and that his love is eternal and that I want love that is with and through God (also some of this stuff is kind of cheesy but I want to experience it even though it's cheesy

Like I said, I am totally NOT reviewing the techical stuff in this. I just want to comment on the ideas you have here.

First of all:

Her in my lap with my arms as a jacket, <This single line really stands out to me. I love how you phrased it.
kissing on New Years through all the racket.

Suki, suki, suki, suki, daaaaaaisuki!! I absolutely adore this part. Kawaii, kawaii, kawaii!!

*Ahem* Sorry.

I like how these are very innocent feelings, there is nothing sexual or worldly, and though some might say it is cliche, I personally love it. It is heartfelt and wonderful. I think the colored font really brings a childish-ness to this poem, but I think that goes along with the theme.

I don't know what to say. I had so many thoughts swirling around in my head when I first read this and now I'm numb. "I love it," is all I can come up with.


-Dai

P.S.

up all night stargazing in an old oak tree,

Trees - I love dem.

Hello Shinrai,

I see this is filed under "Dramatic Poetry", but it is not dramatic, darling. All those rhymes, how could it be anything but lyrical? When you think of dramatic poetry, think about metaphors. Think about images that can tell a story in and of itself without reverting to narrative. Lyrical is all about emotions, rhyme, and rhythm; this is lyrical.

I would also revert all the font colors to black. The colors really didn't do anything for me except hurt my eyes - do you really expect readers to read tiny yellow fonts? Besides why would your poem need a gimmick, cause that is what font colors are, a gimmick. A poem should just be able to stand on its own. The color just acts as a distraction to the actual poem itself and to the meaning of the poem: love and eternal love.

That being said, I didn't get much "eternal love" or love of God that you mentioned in your spoiler. Each stanza seems to be talking only about loving this girl. If you wanted the stanzas to be ambiguous - meaning to have the poem mean both kinds of love (religious and you know, love-love) then I would leave out the "her" and the "girl" and have a more general pronoun in its place. "Person" or "Being" rather than "girl" and "they" for she. Or even "you" "me"

There are grammatical errors throughout the poem. I would consider revising before posting it up. Simple things like using "your" instead of "you're" and not putting a comma/period where it should be. Like:

the embrace of someone when your in need,
knowing if she ever leftcomma you couldn't proceed

Overall, I thought it was pretty. You hit the rhyme scheme down. You've certainly got your idea of love across. Keep working on it and keep writing!

~ As Always, Audy

Im not going to change it to black ... The rainbow was symbolism from the bible ... the poem wasn't supposed to be about God either but rather showing of how I would strive for being able to show as close as humanly possible to his eternal love in an innocent manner rather than trying to write something with sexual influences

Hi, Shinrai! ^.^ Isha here to review.

First of all, I'm going to say that although this was somewhat cliche in areas, and the bright colors (it was more the yellow, actually. I had to highlight it to see it. ) nearly blinded me, there was something so ridiculously sweet about this, and there were lots of parts that I enjoyed.

I'm going to start by pointing out a few lines that I really liked and telling you what it was that I liked about them:

Her in my lap with my arms as a jacket,
kissing on new years through all the racket,

Okay, there were a few things I liked about this. The first one was the first line itself- the way you phrased it was perfect, and it was unique and just an over-all sweet line. The second bit that I liked about this was the fact that the rhyme didn't sound forced, and it didn't disrupt the flow. Usually, with rhyming poems, I find a lot of that, and this was one precious line that sounded decent, even with a rhyme.

The second bit that I really liked about this piece was the last stanza. (The only thing I have to say about that is that the forth line was a bit cliche, and the last line didn't flow quite right with the rest of the poem.) It was a sweet ending, and it actually portrayed the emotion and the message that you wanted to send out in a simple, though still somehow interesting, way.

Of course, there are some things that I didn't like here. For starters, there were dozens of little cliches scattered throughout the poem. It seemed to me like the majority of those were the result of you falling victim to your rhyme scheme. Now, I said above that there was a line that rhymed, and I actually liked it. Unfortunately, the vast majority of the rhymes in the poem were still a bit off. You see, when you rely on a rhyme scheme to write a poem, a couple of things tend to happen:

1) It limits your word-choice, and that leads to dozens of other little problems. Some lines sound forced, like you had to place that word there just so that the rhymes could be kept up. Some lines end up just not fitting right with the rest of the poem, because you used something slightly irrelevant because the only word you could think of to use was irrelevant. Forced and awkward lines don't tend to fly well in poetry, unless they were intentionally created to be off or awkward. Limited word-choice can also lead to using cliches, as I just mentioned, for the sake of keeping your pattern going. Typically, it's easier to think of cliches that rhyme than it is to think of unique words and imagery that still rhyme.

2) It can affect the flow negatively and make the poem sound chunky. When you have rhyming words, what normally happens at the end of a line is that it seems to bite off. Sometimes this is good, and other times it just makes the poem hard and awkward to read. When a line's bit off where it doesn't seem like it should be bit off, you have a problem. When you don't have a rhyme, however, it's easier to make things flow into each other, which is usually easier to read.

In all honesty, I think that this poem could be amazing without a rhyme-scheme. Of course, it's still your piece and you have authority over how you write it. There are just some things that you might want to check/read over and see if you can change anything.

As for the cliches themselves, unrelated to them being forced by a rhyme scheme, are easily spotted in various places. In some areas, you crossed the line between sappy and cheesy, and the former is much better than the latter. You're trying to relate your idea of love, but are there any deeper meanings to it than walks on the beach? Try to throw in something unique every once and a while, rather than something that's in all of the romance and chick flicks.

As for the innocence of the poem, I think that's what I liked most. There was nothing sexual about it, and that's extremely hard to find nowadays. Your idea of love is unique in itself, in other words, just try to apply that. Innocence, in the world we live in right now, is something different- use it to make the poem stand out, if you can figure out a way to apply it.

That's all I really have to say.

Good job and keep writing,
~~Ish.