Love, the Problem

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 14013
Reviews 280
A/N: This is part of a series of short stories I am writing all with a common theme 'What happens when people fall in love.' I wish to draw upon the highs and lows, the changes, the compromises that come with love.

Love, the Problem

They never really had time for a honeymoon. Phoenix was born and James had done the honourable thing. A small portion of his inheritance was sliced off and handed over for a 24 carats and a week later they were husband and wife. Today however, He wanted to do something special, before they moved.

With one arm around her back, James brought his other under the bend of her knee and up to his shoulders. The blindfold tied against her straight blonde hair. He pushed the door open and gently moved her up the staircase and into the bedroom, laying her softly on the crisp open sheet. He could smell the vanilla candles, hear the symphony come on through the speakers, feel his lips press into hers. One limb at a time she was revealed. He watched as rhythmically her breasts rose and fell and she threw her head back, her breath coming in shudders.

When they drew each other in, fingers spread, pressing, it was over and they lay limp. Waiting for sleep. He sat up, stealing a glance at her peach body loosely wrapped in imperial white. She was moulded and set, face sunk in the pillow, with one leg drawn up and arms spread like a swan’s wingspan.

“Where is Phoenix?” She said without moving.
“He’s sleeping in his crib.”
“Thanks for the surprise.”
She leaned over, her face slicked with sweat, and pressed her lips against his.

***

Since the move, they hadn’t had much time alone. He still couldn’t work; his back was bad and his right knee was as good as a rusted joint. He didn’t need to work, they had his money to fall back on and she was happy to win the bread so he stayed at home with Phoenix. He would stack and spark the fire, clean the house. She was working long days, and from time to time, long nights.

Phoenix was crawling now. A few teeth lined his pink gums and his blue eyes grew deeper by the day. James watched him moving about the carpet, he smiled and watched his son, studied the surplus skin folding over his wrists.

***

He still longed for her. Her fair skin, her pink lips. She had carried her youthful lust into middle age. His hair was now thin wisps, his eyes droopy and his gut bulged. But worst of all, it was his imagination that hurt. Sometimes he felt her eyes move about him with loath, scanning his body with a thinly veiled scowl. In his mind, he watched scenes of her meeting other men, looking at them the way she once looked at him, but he wouldn’t talk about these things. The thoughts came, flashed in his mind then he jammed them away in dusty shelves. Though sometimes he could barely control himself. Sometimes he would push her and yell and she would slap him but this would fuel it, bait the animal. He would find himself on her. She would succumb, a mess under his weight, clay beneath his hands.

Phoenix was now in school. He spoke like his mother, questions came in a torrent. He wanted to learn, but when James’ temper frayed, he fell silent, receding to his room with eyes averted. He opened books and delved into fantastical worlds, for just long enough to forget.

***

The problem came on a long night. He wondered if she really was working late, and he couldn’t shake the niggling suspicion, not with any of the usual distractions. He roughed his son’s head, who was now old enough to stay at home alone, with some stern words about strangers first, of course.

In the dark, the car sat near Sandy's office. It was a little after five when her silver Nissan rolled out of the building’s car park. He let another car go between them, before flicking his lights and following.

After fifteen minutes, they were across town, in a new subdivision. All tall wooden structures, blighted with glaring windows and no fences. Finally, she slowed, and parked. James hung back, lights off. He watched her tall figure cross a neatly groomed lawn, knock on a great oak door and when it opened, she disappeared inside.

His hands tightened on the wheel. He waited. He could feel his weak heart slamming against his chest and hear blood washing around the base of his ears. His thoughts were so loud he couldn’t hear his mouth, couldn’t hear his cussing, couldn’t hear his white fists bashing the wheel.

It may be a friend’s house, there is an explanation. It took half an hour and his body still trembled, his fists tightly wrapped the wheel. He started the Audi and let it ease along, back out towards home.

Peppered steak. The familiar scent wafted through the house as he stacked the dinner plates. Phoenix sat across from his father watching him. It was the way he roughly carved his steak, or the hard way he stared through his mash, but something kept the boy’s curiosity silenced.

Around nine, she entered and hung her coat. The anxiety seemed to foam from his chest, almost spilling out his mouth. On the couch, he sat pretending to be interested in whatever Phoenix was watching on TV. A kiss was placed on his cheek as she crossed the lounge.

“Sorry I’m late, I had to stay on at the office again.”
James held his hurt as though it was clutched in his fists.
“Thanks for dinner, Hun,” she called from the kitchen.

He was in bed early and once she had showered and brushed her teeth, she came too. Moving under the sheets, she lay next to him. All he could hear was his heart slamming against his hands, folded on his chest. Fiddling with the words, his mind toiled over the question. He couldn’t force it out.

She worked her hands into his, and rolled him over. He reluctantly nestled her and like that, they stayed, tongue and groove. Then, finally and suddenly, he turned in a brash assault of sheet and flesh. He kissed her, pressing his lips hard to hers. He pulled her nightgown up and forced his way inside of her.
“I’m not in the mood- James stop, please!”

He covered her mouth and worked his other hand over her body, he pushed her down hard. He sweated and cussed; he pulled her hair and watched her blank face rock, back and forth.

When it was over, she turned over, away.
“James, I’m not happy.”

It was a good bye and he knew it. He had lost. He had a problem. But, he wouldn’t respond, he couldn’t. She was committed and so he must commit too.

The bed was empty, sheets dishevelled when he woke. The day turned over like a cog. He chopped firewood and prepared dinner. He was calm, his mind reworked the scenes, but his hands were steady. Then, as five o’clock drew near, he left. By the throat, he grabbed the wood axe on his way.

Waiting outside of her work, he listened to music in his car and tapped his fingers on the wheel. He thought about her dressed in wedding white smiling, about Phoenix flashing his white teeth when she chased him across the lawn with hose in hand. He lived for Phoenix now, for that precious little man. Then when the Nissan came by, he followed.

She pulled up and crossed the neat lawn. He waited, tapping his fingers on the wheel. Then, he left the car running as he skulked to the great oak door. It was locked. The back door, he discovered, was left wide open.

Inside, he moved about the empty house, opening rooms with a steady grip. The bottom level was clear so he moved upstairs. As he approached the door at the crest, he could hear the bed sigh, her breath rising in heaves. He pushed the door open with one hand and in the other, he held the axe. In that manner, the problem was resolved.
Last edited by joshuapaul on Thu Aug 18, 2011 12:41 am, edited 4 times in total.
Read my latest




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 904
Reviews 12
Incredible! Mysterious and blunt in a good way. I think the story could have been told better from a first person view, but some people don't write as well in first person. So really, I have no complaints.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1162
Reviews 11
wow, this was very interesting. i really like the way you described things, like "gripped the throat of the axe" etc. the only thing i found to be edited was the line "peppercorn steak wafted through the house" i think it should have been the smell or aroma of pepper...but other than that it was very mysterious...i think he killed the wife with the ax? im not sure, im kind of slow sometimes LOL. anyways, keep up the great writing :)




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 10240
Reviews 166
Powerful stuff, Joshuapaul. I think I can find some advice for you nonetheless. :wink:

Before I begin, I'd like to draw your attention to here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic19231.html

Please make sure you have the correct rating -- I'd rate this an 18+ due to the sexually explicit content. It wouldn't hurt to err on the side of caution.

1. Love

You managed to cover many aspects of love in such a short time, and most were very effective. The main problem I have with your portrayal is the initial paragraph. Perhaps, as is often the case, you wrote this first and hadn't really "warmed up" as much as you have in the later paragraphs -- I just wasn't convinced by the protagonist's initial feelings.

Technically there are mistakes -- a simple reread will ensure you catch them -- but then I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to show with this part. There's lust there, clearly, but for some reason it doesn't seem "special" even though your narrative clearly states that it is. I don't think there's enough excitement (and I don't mean that in a plz-give-more-explicit-detail way, at all) it just feels that despite you going out of your way to describe it in a beautiful magical way, it doesn't quite work. Perhaps it's the "back to reality" comments afterwards. I'm not sure.

For the rest of the short story you hit it spot on, I think. The characters are finally convincing, the aspects of love are clear, defined, and recognisable, and it seems like you've really got into the swing of things. Perhaps you could try rewriting the first section some time when you've "warmed up" and see if you like it better then?

2. Balance

I'm not sure whether the sections split by *s are an afterthought or something you started doing and then abandoned. Either way, if you're intent on keeping them then it would be best to try and balance them out a bit more. But not too much. Both long and short sentences are important in writing, as are long and short paragraphs. But, still, you can't have a group of similar sized sections and then one giant lump at the end -- it just feels strange! Perhaps that final section could be split just before "Peppered steak" (which, by the way, would make a lovely fragment at the beginning of that section! "Peppered steak. The scent wafted through the house...) and then again just before he wakes up?

I know this doesn't feel like a major point, but organisation is definitely a key part of the writing process itself.

3. Clarity

For this sort of pretty-short story I can understand that you won't be describing every inch of the house, nor will you be constantly updating the reader on each change to a character's appearance. You've got this mostly right, actually, by describing only the most vivid and important things -- the metaphors for the relationship and the classic symbols that we all recognise -- but I think it would work even better if you tightened this a bit more.

For example, there could be a recurring part of the body that you describe, and in each section you track its changes and what it represents. So, I dunno, it could be the hands: lover's hands, father's hands, hardened hands, and then the fists! That probably wasn't a particularly great idea, but I'm sure you could think of something -- you do seem much better at this poetic-descriptive lark than me! But that is an improvement that I think would be nice. :)

Finally, if you have the time, read this through aloud. There are some basic capitalisation, grammatical and syntactical errors that you are perfectly capable of correcting yourself. I find that by reading my work out loud then my eyes are less likely to scan over the mistakes, which means you can make this story clearer and not leave us wondering why Phoenix has "surplus skin" in the second section. (Ambiguous pronouns, ftw!)

Overall

I found it very hard to come up with three decent areas of advice for this piece. Really, I did! I think you've tackled the theme very thoughtfully and sensitively. If you can bring the first section up to the standard of the rest then it will be even better!

One final note -- could this not go under Romantic Short Stories? Although "romance" isn't its topic, I know, that forum is meant for short stories that centre on love in general as well as romance and other things. You might find better reviews there, if you PM a moderator to move the topic for you!


Charlie
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 14013
Reviews 280
Thanks Charlie. Very thorough, insightful and you have surfaced a few errors that I will address. Only three points I am still a little confused about.

1) 18 rating. I thought about this before I posted. But I really wouldn't consider this an explicit piece. I guess it is better to be safe than sorry, so I will change it. But, I think the sexual scenes are subtle and I got it right with 16.

2) The *'s you are right. This is something I really couldn't find a quick fix for. The problem is I have used *** to suggest a time lapse and for the last part of the story it all occurs over two days, I thought about placing a break between the days but this might confuse the reader. I really can't find any other way of structuring it, perhaps I should just put in dates. eg,

Mon 17 july 2009... weds 10 january 2010 and so on.

I'm not sure if that will be as effective though, I find time lines can be jarring and annoying? I don't know.

3) Romance section... come on. I would loath committing any of my work to the romance genre. In the past, it is my understanding, when writers didn't want to consider themselves romantic authors they would call it 'literary fiction' or 'literary art' or 'poetic fiction.' For me it is other fiction. I think this piece, while in some regards is romantic; above all, it is a tale of loss, family, the delicate changes between lovers. It probably sounds romantic and perhaps it is, but I won't call it romance -- never!

So thanks so much for the advice. I was particularly enamoured by the idea of changing one aspect of the characters to exhibit the time lapse, hands might just work so I think I will steal that. I will also get onto the first paragraph, it takes fresh eyes sometimes to spot these things so thanks again Charlie!

JP
Read my latest




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 10240
Reviews 166
1) I think you've certainly been careful and sensitive with your description, but that doesn't really change the content you're trying to express. So, in my opinion at least, I'm pleased you've changed the rating to 18+.

2) You're quite right, timestamps would just be awkward and add unnecessary detail. One of the things I liked most about this piece was that it was, basically, timeless. The protagonist could be any man, his wife could be any woman, and their conflict is echoed all over the world -- I'd agree with you and try to shy away from timestamps.

But then again, you're right about the *s meaning much more of a time lapse earlier on. Unless, of course, that's what they seem to mean. And then, on reading, they actually mark out the different faces of love? That would allow you to make more frequent breaks (whilst keeping your original ones) and balance the piece a bit more? I think you need to experiment with this and see what you like best.

3) That's a very interesting point! :P When I scanned through the forums I saw "Romantic Fiction: For stories with romance and love as the main conflict", which kinda fits for your story. But, as you have carefully explained to me, you understandably don't want to post your work there! Out of interest, then, where do you think the failure begins: with YWS's categories or with the world's perception of the Romance genre? (I'm not trying to convince you to move the work, by the way! :wink: I'm just interested in the sociology of it all!)

4?) If I wrote it in your review then it's yours to use or ignore! Feel free to add in The Hands. Though if you sit down and have a think about it you might be able to come up with something better -- see what you can do.


Charlie
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
Hai!

Okay so another good addition to the collection but I think you need to concentrate just a little more on showing the real love element of the piece. You have every other angle mapped out so beautifully but I found that your weakest scene was the one where they were happy, his surprise for her etc. It was a little mundane, though that may still have worked if we'd been able to see how much thought he put into it, how much he cared about her happiness. A surprise from one person to another should usually result in the surpriser doing something that the surprisee will enjoy more than them. Maybe spending money, giving their time, putting in effort, doing something they know the other person is crazy about that they themself are not really into. But other than that I don't have much to criticise.

The Line-By-Line

They never really had time for a honeymoon. Phoenix [I don't like that you named the baby here. You started off nicely unpersonal with the 'they' but then the first name you introduce is the baby's? That bothers me somehow. I'm finding it hard to explain why though. I just feel that 'the babe' or 'the sprog' would be more in keeping with this tone you're playing with. It would emphasis that this didn't start off perfect, that the relationship didn't begin in a meaningful way.] was born and James had done the honourable thing. A small portion of his inheritance was sliced off and handed over for a 24 carats [Should be carat I think. Also, it might be more powerful if the ring bellonged to his mother or grandmother. One of those rings that gets passed through the family. The contrast of an item of such value and sentimentality being given to someone he just got pregnant could make for some nice irony/ symbolism.] and a week later they were husband and wife. Today however, He wanted to do something special, before they moved.
I think you need to show the couple growing closer, show us how they got from a situation where they were just making do to actually having some form of love for one another. As it is, your beginning leaves me with too many questions; did he love her a little before the marriage and then their love grew or did he love her already before the marriage? Would he have stayed with her if not for the baby?

With one arm around her back, James brought his other under the bend of her knee and up to his shoulders. [This was confusing. Sometimes you try too hard to find new ways to describe things but really it took me a moment to realise he had picked her up!] The blindfold tied against her straight blonde hair. He pushed the door open and gently moved her up the staircase and into the bedroom, laying her softly on the crisp open sheet. He could smell the vanilla candles, hear the symphony come on through the speakers, feel his lips press into hers. One limb at a time she was revealed. He watched as rhythmically her breasts rose and fell and she threw her head back, her breath coming in shudders.
Wait. This is her special surprise? Boy am I glad he's not my husband! That's not enough for girls. Blindfolds and vanilla candles and clean sheets on the bed. There has to be more to it. Is the music he plays of special significance, did he cook for her before this? It sounds more like a man's fantasy, blind-folding his woman and removing her clothing one piece at a time.

Peppered steak. The familiar scent wafted through the house as he stacked the dinner plates. [Your short sentences would stand out better here if you made this one a little longer. What memories does steak hold for the family? Do they eat it every Friday night? Or did it used to be something his father cooked whenever he was in a foul mood; a comfort food? It might be fun to interpose the current meal with one from the past, say an anniversary or something? Maybe you could take that 'special night' and keep flicking back and forth to show what has changed and what is the same? Maybe something to think about for one of your next short stories.] Phoenix sat across from his father watching him. It was the way he roughly carved his steak, or the hard way he stared through his mash, but something kept the boy’s curiosity silenced.


Overall

I found this piece was more distant from the characters and their inner workings and more concerned with their actions. It was refreshing to see another style and I think you handled it well, but I did miss that insight you provided in the other one I read and the attachment. I didn't feel much sympathy for either of the lovers and if I felt anything for any character, it was a faint pity for Phoenix. I would have liked Phoenix to feature a little more actually. For such an important piece of the puzzle, he didn't really get to have his say and you missed a great opportunity to reflect their relationship through him. Afterall, he is a creation of their love so you could have used him to show the break-down of their feelings for one another.

What you did better in this piece though was the atmosphere. There's some good uses of short sentences going on and it felt darker and sharper so your tone is certainly coming along nicely! I can't wait to see a piece by you which takes the tone from this and the intimacy with the characters from the last. I think I'd be out of advice by then ;)

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 909
Reviews 11
i just really find your descriptions to be great. I like how you work sensory details into every corner of the piece. I, however did not so much like your description of love in general. I find it naive and grandiose. This is something I would work on because for me it killed the piece.

Thanks for sharing
RC$1



I don't care what the miserable excuse is for showing the death of books, live, on screen. Men, I could understand; but books! -
— Edwin Morgan, From the Video Box 2