The Soul Reason of Living-Chapter 1

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So I started writing this a while ago and I decided to revisit it. The title is a little lame, I may need a new one. Let me know if you have any ideas. I'm posting Chapter 2 very soon, as in a couple minutes.


An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Maybe if the world was blind, no one would be left to commit a crime.
If everyone had been blinded back when the law was first written by Hammurabi, then I’d still be alive. But I still have another chance. One more chance…
-A


Gloria woke up to the sound of someone pounding on her door. She groaned and massaged her temple. She still hadn’t gotten over the terrible headache from the night before. This was only making it all worse.

“What?” she screamed as she crawled out of bed. Opening the bedroom door she saw her mother, Melissa standing in the hall, her face wet with tears. Gloria’s heart sunk. Obviously something catastrophic had happened. Her mother rarely cried.

“Your friend, Ann,” Gloria’s mother choked out. “She’s—she died.”

Gloria couldn’t breathe. It couldn’t be true, it just couldn’t be. Ann was one of Gloria’s closest friends. How could she just be gone like that? Gloria hadn’t been in this town for more than half a year, and the one true friend she had made was, gone?

She tried to speak as her mother pulled her into a hug.The tears that refused to come sat backed up behind her soft green eyes. She felt a hand run through her dark black hair, only making her want to cry more. But the tears wouldn’t come. They simply sat there, refusing to fall.

“She was found in the woods, a knife sticking out of her chest. She was stabbed.” Melissa explained in a calm voice.

Gloria backed out of her mother’s grasp and ran back into her room, slamming the door. Sitting on the bed, she picked up a picture of her and Ann standing on a pier, ready to jump. It had been a chilly day, but the girls were determined to jump into the clear, blue, crystal water. The water had never looked so inviting. The girls were both looking down, a hint of fear lingering on their faces. They gripped hands tightly.

Ann was wearing her favorite coat, the one with large blue polka dots. She wore it everywhere; to work, to school, to soccer games, to church. Her denim skinny jeans didn’t seem like they could even attempt to block out the cool November breeze, but she had insisted on wearing them. Ann’s golden hair was blown behind her by the wind and her
round blue eyes stared down at the water, determination filling them. She was taller than Gloria by a few inches.

Gloria smiled a bit as she remembered that day. It had been the day after they had won the state semi-finals game against Northern High School. They were scheduled to play the Mustangs from Gillwood High for the state finals the next day, but it snowed quite heavily and the soccer field was covered. So the soccer game had to be rescheduled. Because of
this, Coach had given them an extra day off which the girls took full advantage of.

Ann’s mother had surprised the girls with a visit to the Ocean View Fishing Pier in Norfolk. It took them nearly two hours to get from Ann’s tiny home in Richmond to one of the best fishing piers in Virginia. Ann loved to fish, but Gloria didn’t enjoy it as much. But because she was friends with Ann, she always went fishing with her. They could go again, after they
win states…

But they can’t. Why? Because Ann was dead, gone, onto a better place.

The tears began to fall, splattering the picture of the two friends. The picture fell on top of the pink comforter and Gloria threw her face into her pillow. She cried for hours, ignoring the knocks on her door. Haley, one of the girls from the soccer team, called, but Gloria didn’t pick up. The answering machine took the call, playing back Haley’s sad voice asking if Gloria wanted to come talk. Haley had also been quite close with Ann.

Gloria took the day off, not wanting to face everyone at school. She wandered around her room, finding everything that reminded her of Ann and put it in a box. If she couldn’t have Ann with her, why keep things that only reminded her she wasn’t there? It didn’t make sense to make herself upset all over again.

The day went by without Gloria noticing. Her mother finally pulled her out of the room around dinner time so she could eat. The meal consisted of pizza, salad and bread sticks, Gloria’s favorite. But she couldn’t enjoy it, not without Ann there. It was the same meal they always ate when they had sleepovers.

“Honey, are you doing okay?” Melissa asked. Gloria simply shook her head and cried into her salad. Melissa reached for her daughter, wrapped her arms around her and sung a soft tune in her ear.

“Everything is going to be okay,” she told her daughter. “You’ll see.”

Gloria only shook her head. She knew her mother was just trying to make her feel better, but it couldn’t be done. Ann was gone, and with her she took Gloria’s will to do anything.
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

YWS is life




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Oooh, I like this. Very emotional :D

She still hadn’t gotten over the terrible headache from the night before. This was only making it all worse.

This is good because the reader already feels sorry for her and the main bad thing hasn't even happened yet!! :D

her mother, Melissa standing in the hall,

You need a comma after "Melissa".

The tears that refused to come sat backed up behind her soft green eyes.

I'm pretty sure that tears don't sit behind the eyes, so this is kind of incorrect. I understand what you're trying to say but you need to put it in a more realistic way. I hope that makes sense :)

“She was found in the woods, a knife sticking out of her chest. She was stabbed.” Melissa explained in a calm voice.

Calm? Really? Her mother was in tears a minute ago and that was just saying that Ann was dead. I don't think she would be calm when telling her daughter how.

but the girls were determined to jump into the clear, blue, crystal water.

You don't need the "clear" because "crystal" already describes that.

round blue eyes

You need a comma after "round".

But they can’t. Why? Because Ann was dead, gone

Personally, I don't think the "why?" is necessary. But that's up to you if you want to keep it.

Hope I wasn't to harsh and I hope I was helpful. I really like this and I want to see where you're going with it. PM me or post something on my wall if you have any queries, Midnight x
"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic" - Albus Dumbledore




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Very Interesting story but surprisingly short, I expected a continuing scene; but anyways maybe it's a plot to keep the reader in suspense. In the second paragraph, "What?", a comma should be fixed after that.
Also somewhere in the middle, the typing wandered off; probably a typing error, you should check that. Good Plot.
Looking forward to reading more from you.
'when I'm gone, my words will remain...
your word is a weapon, either of destruction or re-construction, whatever you make of it,
It's your choice.'




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Hello! Little Princess here for a review;

Obviously something catastrophic had happened.
This statement seems a little nonchalant. Gloria should be alarmed at her mothers tears but the word obviously suggests that she doesn't think it's a big deal.

Gloria backed out of her mother’s grasp and ran back into her room, slamming the door. Sitting on the bed, she picked up a picture of her and Ann standing on a pier, ready to jump.
This whole part felt extremely rushed, especially at a time when something dramatic happens. Make sure to describe Gloria's feelings. Or, if she is numb, describe that. Why did she slam the door? Why did she suddenly leave her mother. Why did she reach for the picture. Draw out the drama.

Ann was wearing her favorite coat, the one with large blue polka dots. She wore it everywhere; to work, to school, to soccer games, to church. Her denim skinny jeans didn’t seem like they could even attempt to block out the cool November breeze, but she had insisted on wearing them. Ann’s golden hair was blown behind her by the wind and her
round blue eyes stared down at the water, determination filling them. She was taller than Gloria by a few inches.
Good description.

Your piece was short but good, my only suggestion is to put more emotion into it. Right now you are just saying what she did for the rest of the day but try and adjust your tone so that the reader really understands the devastation. Nice work, though. PM me if you have any questions/comments/concerns.
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince




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OK. Your past reviewers already said everything. -__- So all I can say is that this was two words. AWE & SOME. I'm already very interested in your writing and the only thing I can note on is how you will be on a sentence and then it somehow changes to another paragraph. Look that over. Other than that, I am quite fond of your writing and I'll make sure to follow your work. Keep writing.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
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Hey Noelle!

This looks really good- but the "-A" at the beginning makes me think of Pretty Little Liars. Have you ever watched it? If you did, the "-A" would creep you out too! Also, a note on the title- is it a pun? With "Soul"? Or do you mean "Sole"? I have a feeling it's the first one, but just wanted to point it out...

I. NITPICKS

Gloria’s heart sunk. Obviously something catastrophic had happened. Her mother rarely cried.


I feel like there should be more dread in these lines.

“Your friend, Ann,” Gloria’s mother choked out. “She’s—she died.”


Is the "your friend" necessary?

Ann was one of Gloria’s closest friends.


Try and express this less matter-of-factly. Think about how Gloria can't live without her, all the things she needs Ann for. Rather than saying this, describe a couple of the thousand ways a girl needs a best friend. It'll be much more powerful.

Ann was wearing her favorite coat, the one with large blue polka dots. She wore it everywhere; to work, to school, to soccer games, to church. Her denim skinny jeans didn’t seem like they could even attempt to block out the cool November breeze, but she had insisted on wearing them.


Wait, they're jumping in fully clothed? 0_o

But they can’t. Why? Because Ann was dead, gone, onto a better place.


Couldn't ;)

II. OVERALL

You handle Gloria's emotions here so well! The start is a little shaky, but once you find your footing with the description of the picture, you're away and flying. Very nice! The only thing I'm worried about is your other characters- Melissa and Haley. I read your blurb so I know Haley's going to be a big part. But the paragraph about her phone call is just kind of... out of place. It needs a little fixing. Then with Melissa, I find it weird that she doesn't try until dinner to get Gloria out. So maybe fleshing your secondary characters out would be a good idea! But you handled the grief nicely ;)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



What is a poet? An unhappy person who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music.
— Søren Kierkegaard, Philosopher & Theologian