Hidden Flame: A dragon's secret Chapter 1 pt. 1

Chapter 1: Vanessa’s Mysterious Past

“It can’t be ruined. Nothing can ruin this day. Today’s my birthday and mom and the others have come to visit me.”
Vanessa Aden had just turned twelve and was getting ready for her birthday party at her house. All her siblings were going to come from out of town with her mother. Vanessa looked at a photo kept on her dressing table. It was her father's who had died when she was very small so she never really knew him.

Vanessa had five siblings who were all white dragons; two brothers and three sisters. Brandon was eighteen, the eldest of them all. Winona was seventeen, the eldest sister. Then Brawley and Monica were both fifteen year old twins. Lisa was fourteen, the youngest besides Vanessa.

All of them were part of a secret society. Vanessa started brushing her hair. They were agents and used to go on different missions to reduce traces of evil from this world. All of them were white dragon owners and had mastered their skills in dragon casting and martial arts. Monica was somewhat different from her siblings as she was a spell caster as well. She was a white magic user. Vanessa made a face as she spotted a split end in her short, dark hair. Unlike dragons, the spell casting ability was not inherited by every generation. It seemed that only Monica had inherited that power.

Vanessa ignored the split end and tilted her head sideways to stare outside the window. Something was bothering her...

All the while her mother and siblings were off fighting evil, Vanessa stayed with her twin cousins Amy and Ruth who were both the same age as her. Their mother, whom Vanessa called Aunt Rose, used to look out for the three of them. Today, Vanessa thought, no one is going anywhere. We are going to have a normal birthday party with lots of balloons and presents.
After getting dressed, Vanessa looked into the mirror in front of her. She could see a pretty face with deep, blue eyes that sparkled in the bright light. She had straight, dark hair that had been cut to the length of her shoulders since it was easier to manage it that way. She was wearing a violet colored frock which was tight at the waist and came down in several folds.

Something was out there... a cold breeze sent shivers down Vanessa's spine. She shook it off.
Now that she was done examining herself in the mirror, she decided to go to her room to tidy it up a little. Her room was medium-sized with two beds; one on top of the other. The upper bed had a ladder attached to it. There was a book shelf on the right side of the bed and a night lamp on the other side of the bed. She could see her mother’s room from her window.

Vanessa’s mother, Clover, had decided to take everyone out for picnic. Just as Vanessa turned towards the door, there was a loud roar of thunder and it started raining heavily all of a sudden. Vanessa made a face. “That is so not fair… now we’re all stuck inside the house with no picnic and no real fun…”

She was too annoyed to realize that there was something about the way the rain had started. She did feel something strange going on but ignored it which she was to regret later.

She came downstairs and all eyes looked up at her. They were apologetic eyes, probably because of the rain, thought Vanessa.
“There’s my little girl… oh wait. She’s not little anymore. She’s twelve now. She’s a big girl now.” Clover spoke joyfully. She had hair the color of sunshine gold and it was always wavy. Her brown eyes were looking admiringly at Vanessa’s violet colored dress. “It suits you well…” She said.

Aunt Rose was placing plates on the table. Since they couldn’t go out for picnic, they had to have it here in the house. Ruth and Amy were helping her. The others were talking to Vanessa.
“So how’s the best friend relationship going on between you and Amy?” Monica asked sarcastically.
“Oh it’s been awesome…” Vanessa replied mimicking the sarcasm.
“Alright everyone,” Clover announced, “It’s time for Vanessa to blow out the candles and cut the cake.”
Everyone gathered around the table with Vanessa standing in the middle. The lightning roared again but no one paid any heat to it. Everyone was laughing and celebrating cheerfully, having no idea what was about to hit them. Something was watching them…

Vanessa blew out the candles.

Then it all happened so fast that she couldn’t keep track of anything. The lights in the entire house started to flicker when Vanessa tried to blow the candles once, twice…the third time. The instant the flames blew out, the whole house turned dark; like someone had switched off the main power. There was another roar of thunder followed by the sound of rain pounding on the windows.

No one spoke.

Regardless of the confusion in the room, Vanessa’s mind was on red-alert. She had sensed something strange before and she could sense it again now. Then, without realizing how she knew, she tilted her head towards the back window just before something broke it, shattering it to pieces.
“What’s going on, mom?” Lisa asked. Ruth clung to her mother’s arm and Amy was striding towards the window but Winona grabbed her arm and pulled her back, “It’s not safe for you,” she said, frowning at the darkness outside the window. She could’ve sworn she’d seen something in the shadows.

It was Brandon who spoke, “Everyone, stay calm. Let’s all gather in the lounge. And Vanessa,” he said turning towards her but she wasn’t there, “Where did she go? Vanessa!” Everyone squinted real hard in the dark, hoping to find her wandering around somewhere but she wasn’t there.

“Oh good, my eyes have finally adjusted to the dark. Now, I can try to figure out who is behind all this because my birthday is ruined for good. I will not forgive this person…”
Vanessa’s heart sank just thinking about how someone might have been capable of pulling off such a trick. She wandered through a narrow pathway that divided her room from her mother’s. Something was drawing her towards this path. She could sense something straight ahead. It was a strange feeling like an invisible compass inside her pointing its needle that way.

Slowly, Vanessa tip toed towards the end of the path where she knew was a door that led to the store room. Whatever was calling her had to be in there. As Vanessa drew closer to the door, the strange aura she had been sensing grew stronger. The hair on the back of her neck stood up. A small knot inside her tightened as sweat prickled down her forehead.

The aura was starting to affect her, making her dizzy and unable to think. Despite all that, Vanessa kept on walking. She was a risk taker, knowing there was danger lying ahead; she was still edged on finding out about who was behind all this.

“Where is she? She couldn’t have just disappeared like that,” Brandon was saying. Monica and Brawly were both searching for her with the help of flashlights. Aunt Rose was in the lounge with Amy and Ruth clutching both her arms. Lisa and Winona were examining the broken window. “You know,” Winona said to her, “I don’t think this was some rock or brick that broke the window… I think it was a dragon power…”
“You mean a black dragon?” Lisa asked picking up a broken piece of glass.
“It’s possible. Anything’s possible so we can’t really be sure of it.”
Brandon came rushing towards them, “Do you sense that?” He was talking to Winona who paused to feel a dark presence somewhere. It seemed to be coming from upstairs.
“You don’t think Vanessa is–”
“She’s got to be. She’s not anywhere downstairs.” Brandon pointed out.
“Then we’ve got to find her.” Lisa said but the others seemed to be focusing on something else. They were trying to create a telepathic link between them and Vanessa but she seemed to be blocking them out of her mind.
“She’s not letting us in… what now?” Winona’s voice was full of panic and worry.
“I’ll have to go upstairs to get her.”

Vanessa opened the door of the store room. A gust of icy wind blew through her sending chills all over her body. She could barely even gasp. Once inside, the aura started wearing Vanessa down; exhausting her. Something was definitely there, something dark, she thought. Every step she took was with a great effort because it seemed as if the gravity had maximized to twice the normal force.

“What is going on? Who’s there?” Vanessa managed to speak. She looked around the dark room, there was furniture piled, one on top of the other. A broken mirror lay near the wall and beside it was a cupboard with its doors barely hanging onto the hinges. Then something moved. It was like a shadow as quick as lightning and Vanessa wasn’t even sure whether she was just imagining things or it was really there. She couldn’t think properly; her mind was foggy.

Then, she heard it. It was definitely small from the way it ran; fast and tiny footsteps approaching her. As it neared her, Vanessa could see a pair of tiny, savage red eyes glowering at her. It was coming so fast that she didn’t even get a chance to back away. The thing jumped into the air and lightning thundered across the sky again.

In that instant Vanessa could see all its features. It was a large rat, the size of a football with scrawny little feet and a half tail. It almost looked like a zombie rat. It had a greenish-grey skin with tiny patches which were a lighter grey. There was a pair of small pointy teeth sticking out from its mouth as it opened.

The next instant, everything happened so fast. The rat with red eyes lunged towards Vanessa when all she could do was put her hands in front of her face protectively without screaming. She didn’t want to scream no matter what happened. She believed that screaming was for weaklings and she wasn’t a weakling. The second the rat was about to bite Vanessa’s arm, something unexpected happened. A strange white light glowed from her hands as she looked up at them. Her eyes were wide with shock. Vanessa didn’t know what was going on. She just stared as the light grew brighter and soon it filled the whole room.

“What on Earth–?” Vanessa gasped and backed away but the door behind her sprang open at the same time.
“What’s going on?” It was Brandon’s stern voice. The light had faded and Vanessa could no longer sense the dark presence in the room, or anywhere in the house. She let her arms fall limply at her sides as she half turned and looked at Brandon in astonishment.
“…Did you see it…?” Vanessa managed to squeak.
“See what? What was there anyway?” He asked, looking around dumbly. The rat had disappeared, Vanessa noticed.
“The light… didn’t you see the light?” She asked him in a more stern voice than before. Brandon just shook his head and Vanessa could’ve sworn he’d come just in time to see the light fade. Anyway, she had bigger problems to deal with now.

This is only the first part of the chapter. I've also posted its prologue if anyone is intrested in reading it.

Hey, I'll be your review today!

This is a very good idea! When I first started reading I didn't quite get what it was going to be about though by the second paragraph it was as if you had struck me in the teeth. The idea came out in a florish and I was instantly on the edge of my seat with anticipation. Oh...what I would do to be part of a society that gets rid of evil; that would be so much fun! I also enoyed Vanessa a lot, I thought her character was calm in a way and you portrayed her well for her age. Good job! Like a sophisticated girl with power!

In saying all that though I did find one problem that brought your story down just a small knotch. Info dumping. It's a very common problem; where the writer places too much information in one section instead of sliding it onto the reader's shoulders slowly, slowly. It's not that hard to fix so don't worry, it's as easy to edit as one, two, three!

Vanessa Aden had just turned twelve and was getting ready for her birthday party at her house. All her siblings were going to come from out of town with her mother. Her father had died a long time ago when she was very small so she never really knew him. She had five siblings; two brothers and three sisters. Brandon was eighteen, the eldest of them all. Winona was seventeen, the eldest sister. Then Brawley and Monica were both fifteen year old twins. Lisa was fourteen, the youngest besides Vanessa.

All of them were part of a secret society. They were agents and used to go on different missions to reduce traces of evil from this world. All of them were white dragon owners and had mastered their skills in dragon casting and martial arts. Monica was somewhat different from her siblings as she was a spell caster as well. She was a white magic user. Unlike dragons, the spell casting ability was not inherited by every generation. It seemed that only Monica had inherited that power.

Here is just basically all information dumping. It continues on and even though it is effective you can still make it easier for the reader to take in and visualise. Try adding in some actions, thoughts or what Vanessa sees between all of this information. So, instead of it seeming that you're just plonking all this information onto our laps, you're easing it on (remember: shoulders!). Don't worry, it's a very common problem. The one way I fix information dumping when I find it in my own writing is by printing off the chapter, grabbing a red pen and going through it like a maniac. Taking out this, adding in a whole heap of text and then smoothing it all over. Messy process though you'll benefit for sure!

Here is an example:

She had five siblings; two brothers and three sisters. Vanessa smiled as she stared at her reflection in the back of the teaspoon she was holding. Even though she hadn't seen her siblings for some time now she felt like she could see her youngest sister when her reflected stared back at. Many people always said that Vanessa and her brothers and sisters were spitting images of each other, of their Dad also. It made Vanessa feel as if her siblings had never left here when she caught an image of herself in a reflection.

Now none of what I wrote may be true in the least but as you can see just by adding that you place in length to the story and it makes it somewhat more interesting. Or maybe not for this example because what I wrote was pretty terrible...but I hope you get the idea. Information dumping also leads to telling and not showing. For a writer you don't want this as it makes it harder for a reader to continue on reading and see the words that you're painted so carefully. It's just a suggestion, you don't have to go with it if you don't want to.

All in all I thought this was very interesting, captivating and, well, just awesome! This idea was brilliant, the characters were interesting and just the overall concept was thrilling. You have talent as an author so if you continue on I know you'll only get better and better. If anything I was only pointing out one petty mistake, it will be easy to fix if you so choose. I hope that I helped, I feel like I've been fan-girl squealing the whole time. Good luck, I'd better go before I continue on anymore about how much I like your idea. If you ever have any questions shoot me a pm or write on my wall.

-Apple.

I like the idea of this novel. Although it was a fantasy novel, the dialogue from a mortal perspective was very believable..lol if that makes sense. I also didn't want to stop reading this and will certaintly continue to read the other parts. However, the only thing I could find right now that could be improved was how you introduced the people in the novel. I thought that it could have been done less obviously and through action instead of just description . I don't mean any harm (just offering constructive criticism), but I did have fun reading this so I won't complain anymore! Keep up the good work!