Vile to My Eyes.

Spoiler

Hey guys I know this probably needs work. Well, I think so. Enjoy.

Trembling, I reach for his hand, tears are welling up in my eyes. It couldn’t be. It’s not true. Not him. Why wasn’t it me? I curl my fingers around his hand and whispering, “ Jordan?” It fell from my lips like molasses from its jar.

Stretched out like a corpse he lay on the bed, right in front of me. Three bottles of pills sit on the bed, vile to my eyes. All empty. I can’t think, I can’t hear, I can’t breathe. “ No, No. You don’t get to give up!” I scream. Pulling out my cell I dial 911. The phone falls from my hands on to his bed.

“911,” A woman’s voice pours from the phone.

I have to talk. I have to speak. I barely get out the words “ I need an ambulance to 685 Rosewood Street.”

“What’s the emergency?”

I need to get him out. I have to. I leave the phone without responding. I manage to get him out of the bed, and across the room. He’s dragging against the carpet, but what choice do I have? Dear God. This is supposed too be me. He’s too heavy. I can’t do this... I have to.

Somehow I manage to get him up the stairs. His body looks limp. Am I too late? That’s when I hear them. The sirens screaming from down the stairs. Thank God. Hot tears are rolling down my cheeks; falling from my eyes onto his messy, black hair.

“ Jordan, please, be okay. Please.” I keep dragging him, who must be twice the size of me.
A man comes to the door, and pulls it open rushing to pick Jordan up. I follow behind him, all the way up our steps. I count each one.
Step 10. “Please, Don’t let him die.”
Step 28. I’m bawling so hard, I can barely breathe.
Step 34. I’m supposed to be the depressed one.
Step 40. I’m the cutter.
My foot reaches the last stair. 50. Why him?

Once we’re in the ambulance, they do something to him. I don’t know. I try not to look. “ Don’t let my brother die. Don’t let him die. Don’t let him die.” I’m whispering it over and over. They don’t hear me. They are all yelling things at each other over the sound of the sirens. I cover my ears and press my head hard against my knees. I just want this to be over. He just wanted it to be over...

After what seems like the longest ride of my life, we arrive at the hospital. “ Is he going to be okay?” They rush past me, leaving me sitting in the ambulance. I’m running. I’m screaming. Why is no one telling me anything? I’m told to sit. To wait. That I would be updated. How do they expect me to wait? Fill out papers? How can I...?

Seconds pass. Minutes drag on. Hours taunting me with evil thoughts.

“ Hello. You’re with Jordan Gates, right? Jenny, right?” A man in a long white coat stares down at me. My eyes are stuck on the clock behind him. Where they have been stuck the last two hours. More like the last year. I snap out of it, and stare him in the eye. He's going to tell me he’s dead. He’s going to tell me I didn’t get there fast enough... He’s going to tell me he’s gone. I'm breaking, I can't. I need to be together. For Jordan. I need to be brave.

“Yes.” My voice cracks, and again I can’t stop tears from pouring over my eyes. The palms of my hands are clammy and squeezing my arms tight enough that I'm sure there will be bruises.


“There were complications, but your brother is going to be okay.” The doctor smiles at me. “ He’s sleeping, but you can see him now.”

First of all I would like to comment on your great use of detail and similies. I was very impressed with your writing.

Trembling[Comma] I reach for his hand, tears are welding up in my eyes.

“911.” A woman’s voice pours from the phone.

There should be a comma instead of a perioud after the one. It's a rule of dialogue a lot of people seem to miss actually.

words “ I need an ambulance to 685 Rosewood Street.”

There should be a comma after words and you put a space before the I for some reason.

I have too.

Commonly confused word there. It should be to.

“ Jordan, please, be okay. Please.”

Another spacing problem. I see this a couple more times but I won't point them out.

My voice cracks, and again I can’t stop tears from pouring over my eyelids.

I wasn't aware tears could go down someone's eyelids, considering they go downwards coming out from your eyes Sorry, I just had to give you crap there. Eyes would sound better to me.

I fallow behind him, all the way up our steps. I count each one.
Step 10. “Please, Don’t let him die.”
Step 28. I’m bawling so hard, I can barely breath.
Step 34. I’m supposed to be the depressed one.
Step 40. I’m the cutter.
My foot reaches the last stair. 50. Why him?

I loved this part. It was so clever and so well written. But it's follow, not fallow.

Overall I really liked the story and I could definitley feel the emotion put into it. I wish I had more of background story and got to know the characters more though. And you seemed to do so great with detail at the beginning but I don't get much detail when he's going to the hospital. You do a lot of showing rather than telling there. But great job and I hope to read more of your writing

Hi there I agree with the above review - your use of details and sense of emotions are really, really good. Particularly vivid, which is nice. You also drop the hints that explain the story as it goes along rather than in one paragraph that goes "and here's why what how when where:..." (something I am STILL having trouble with, so I am rather impressed).

I am a bit of a grammar nut, so I'll be irritatingly trivial and point out minuscule things that would polish off your piece:

I curl my fingers around his hand and whispering, “ Jordan?” It fell from my lips like molasses from its jar.

Stretched out like a corpse he lay on bed, right in front of me.

You write everything else in the present tense - I'm reckoning you want to be writing in the present tense. But oh whoops, you've slipped into default past here! Easy to fix though.

“911,” A woman’s voice pours from the phone.

I noticed that this was something you've fixed in response to the above review, but if you have a comma at the end of the speech but inside the speech marks, then the subsequent text - here, "A woman's voice..." - isn't capitalised. But I was reading it and I thought that maybe the sentence would flow better if you switched it around (and maybe toyed with putting it within the previous paragraph?) like this:
"A woman's voice pours from the phone. "911" it says." Or maybe without the "it says". Whatever

This is supposed too be me.

Oh whoops "to be" = verb. "too" = as well. "two" = 2. sorry if that sounds patronising, but even the best of us forget sometimes and need a prod (also, this is one of the things that annoy me most in the world - along with split infinitives and people mixing up "your" "you're" and "their" "there" and "they're")

Step 28. I’m bawling so hard, I can barely breath.

"breathe" - breath is the noun, as in taking a breath. Breathe is the verb

Please don't take my pernickety-ness to heart, I genuinely think you have great style and this was really well-balanced with detail/action/emotion etc. Lovely

~*cottonrulz*~

Okay, in the first paragraph, I think you mean welling, not welding. That would be kinda weird if the tears were welding in her eyes.
"On bed" should be "On a bed."
You put "This is supposed too be me." When really, you mean "This is supposed TO be me."
In the fifth-to-last paragraph, you spell arrive with three r's.
You put, "A man in a long white coat stare down at me." Stare should be stares.
"He going to tell me he’s dead." He should be he's.
"The palms of my hands and clammy and squeezing my arms tight enough that I'm sure there will be bruises." The first and should be are.
Not that I don't like the title, but I think "Steps" would be a better title, in my opinion, since they're more relevant than the title that you have now. However, I think the title that you have now fits the type of story you wrote better. Maybe if you added it into the end somehow. That's just a suggestion, though. I like it a lot without that.
"Seconds pass. Minutes drag on. Hours taunting me with evil thoughts." This is my favorite sentence. I love how you showed the movement of time (something I struggled with recently in a work of mine) so eloquently. Usually, I think having seconds turn into minutes turning into hours is an overused theme, but I didn't feel that way with what you wrote. You put your own little spin on it, and I like it. Alot.
You put that the MC is a cutter. I kinda want to know more about that. I'm curious about her life. Did it effect her brother that she cutted? Did he know about it? Is he her younger, or older brother? Where are their parents during this?
That's about it. Hope this helps.