heart broken

I lost my heart in a storm,
then the tornado hit,
I didn't even move an inch it moved me all around,
who knows were it will lead,
all because the one I trust lost it all,
now their is a scar laying on my skin,
I will have to put my heart back together again,
how? I don't know,
but I can tell you it won't be easy,
I will have to find away to fix this pain,
that is just living inside of me,
I still have a scar that will never heal,
how great my life must be,
mabye a better day tomorow even though,
tomorow will never come.

Hey, shiney1 here!

This poem is short and sweet, and I like that. But many things can be done to improve it.
I feel like it was rushed when written, and it lacks a lot of detail and is a bit patchy. There could be a lot more imagery here, and I feel that you could have made it longer and more elaborate. Some sentences are run-ons, and some are too long.

I lost my heart in a storm,
the one I trust just lost it all. This verse is confusing. Maybe expanding on "the one" would help
Now there is a scar laying on my skin,
I will have to put my heart back together again.
How I don't know, but I will figure it out, and fix this pain that is killing me deep down inside. This sentence is way too long, and is a run on. Try to add more lines if needed to correct this.

So those are my nitpicks.
Keep working on this one, it has great potential!

I liked the simpleness of this poem. It made it easy on the eyes and mind

I'll start with the boring stuff.

the one I trust just lost it all,

There isn't really a lot wrong with this phrase except that it doesn't flow very well, and it doesn't seem to want to connect with the rest of the poem.

now their is a scar laying on my skin,

"Their" should be "there".

Looking at the poem's structure in general, I notice you have it as all one big, long sentence. Consider breaking it up into different sentences at a few points, just to make it less ramble-y.
Also, please break up the last line into two or three. Please?

Now, stepping away from all boring critiquey grammary stuff. The poem's message is definitely clear; you did an excellent job with that. Your word choice is awesome, I got a clear glimpse into what you as the narrator are trying to portray. There's a difference between stating that it's a heartbreak poem and showing that it's a heartbreak poem (kind of like descriptions in a story; show, not tell). You've done a very nice blend of the two; mixing the title's more direct approach to the theme and the actual poem letting the emotions through. Does any of this make sense? Anywho, very well done. I like it a lot.

Hi there!

kimkim10101 wrote:I lost my heart in a storm, what was the storm like? Describe it to us.
the one I trust just lost it all,
now their should be there instead of their is a scar laying on my skin,
I will have to put my heart back together again,
how I don't know but I will figure it out and fix this pain that is killing me deep down inside this is a reather long line and it breaks from the flow. I suggest you make a new line after the word 'out' and after the word 'kill' and after the word 'me'

I hope this helped you. The flow of this poem is great, except for the last line as I mentioned. The grammer and spelling is great too. I think you should add more imagery into this though. Escpecially since you said "I lost my heart in a storm". There are so many possibilities of how you could describe the storm. Make us feel the wind, hear the thunder, see the blinding lightning.

Overall this is a great poem. Keep writing!

Hey Kim,

So your poem was good except the way you spilt the lines. This may help.

I lost my heart in a storm,
the one I trust just lost it all,
now their is a scar laying on my skin,
I will have to put my heart back together again,
How? I don't know,
but I will figure it outperiod
Fix this pain that is killing me
deep down inside

Now this is just a rough idea, but its better. Now for the poem! I like it, its simple and real. Good job!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo

I'm back, at your request

I love that you put more into this! It has reached more of it's potential this way. And I saw some corrections you made, so good job!
There are new things to work on in the new parts, though.

I lost my heart in a storm,
and then the tornado hit. Sentence becomes too long with many commas.
I didn't even move an inch, but it moved me all around; Pause needed here.
Who knows were it will lead,
all because the one I trust lost it all? You need a ? because it is a question.
N[/color]ow their is a scar laying on my skin,
and I will have to put my heart back together again. So the sentence does not run on.
How? I don't know,
but I can tell you it won't be easy. Too long so needs a period.
I will have to find away to fix this pain,
that is just living inside of me. Too long so needs a period.
I still have a scar that will never heal,
how great my life must be. Too long so needs a period.
Maybe a better day tomorrow, Correct spelling.
even though tomorrow will never come. The last words work much better in this last line, and the spelling of tomorrow.

So those are my nitpicks. Keep going, it's getting better!

Hi there!

You did a much better job the second time around. I can see the changes you have made and it definitely makes the poem better. I like how you added detail and really spiced it up. I would comment on some grammer errors I found, but it looks like shiney beat me to it! So I'll just mention one thing she forgot:

Now their is a scar laying on my skin,

Be careful when you're using there, thier, or they're. You should've used there in this sentence instead of their.

Overall this is better than your first post. Good job editing it! Keep writing!

thank yoa all for your replys!!!!!