Is my pitch good?

Hey all!

I'm new here-this is my first post- but I wanted to know if this sounded alright to anyone but me.

Okay. I don't know the name of this story yet I've kinda been toying around with "FOREVER", but here's the pitch:

"A man plagued with Immortality stumbles through life in reckless abandon, until one day he finds a woman he thinks may be worth giving up his Immortality for. In this dark romance, where vampirism and blood lust serve merely as shadows in the background, a man must ask himself if immortality is really enough? And, as the two grow closer together, will they ever really be safe together?"

I know it sounds clunky, and that's why I came on here. I need to kinda iron this out a little!

If the story's not finished yet, then I wouldn't spend time working on the pitch. Your story probably will change in ways that might effect the pitch, and it's much easier to get a grasp for your story to smooth out the pitch.

Hi jonsaxon!
Welcome to YWS! Introduce us to yourself in the welcome area (community on black bar>welcome area) so you can meet new people I realised it existed a few days after I joined.

As for your pitch, it sounds pretty good I'd love to read it. I think that you should start writing it anyway as the story rapidly changes as you write it (Mine started as something similar to Jaws except people were kidnapped instead of killed by underwater animal robots (from a dream) to something involving a very power hungry man). Yours could change too!

If you post it, please notify me when you do. You can do that by clicking my name and then writing there (just in case you don't know as I didn't! xD )

Nice to meet you,
Mac