Spoiler
Here it is! A book worthy of the mad.
Chapter One:
In which we are introduced and I introduce myself.
I am the Mad Hatter. That is to say, I am not that Hatter; I am the Mad Hatter. I have other names, but I prefer that one, because, as we say, Hatters are always mad, but I am the maddest, which makes me the "Mad Hatter".
Who are you? Let us say you are a small, unimportant worm. Oh, that does not suit you? Well fine then. You are a caterpillar. A very long, very beautiful caterpillar. You slide gracefully up to my feet and bow. "Dear Sir or Ma'am," you say, "It is with the deepest pleasure that I invite you to the Queen's for tea."
You sit down on the mushroom that is located near my front door, big enough to settle down on for a nice cup of tea, and small enough for it not to be in the way of the door. I have several mushrooms in front of my house, but that is my favorite.
"Why!" I say, you see at this moment I have stood up and am leaning over you importantly.
"Who will be there?"
"Oh the usual!" You cry, cowering in fear of my-- very well, you rise up to your full height and look me straight in the eye. "White Rabbit, Alice, you know the crew."
I nod. "Of course I do! How dare you suggest that I wouldn't know the crew."
"I didn't!" You begin, but I cut you off.
"You sir, need to leave my presence. I do not appreciate those who presume that I do not know the crew."
You shake your head. "I can't leave you. I am your heart and soul."
I find this very preposterous. "My heart and soul is inside me, thank you very much. And it will stay there."
"You are mad." You say, laughing at me.
"Quite right my dear. I am the Mad Hatter. Or haven't you heard?"
"I had heard. I just didn't believe."
"Understandable. Most don't believe until they've seen it with their own eyes. You are no different."
You sniff. "Anyway, you are to come to the Queen's for tea. I trust you will be attending."
I nod. "Why of course. Why would I miss an unbirthday party?"
"It's not--" you give up. You are not the first. Believe me.
Mad people tend to be forgotten or ignored because they are mad. I am the mad kind that doesn't let that happen.
"By the way, before you go, could I interest you in a hat?"
"Why no, you couldn't." You scoff. "There aren't even any here!"
"You don't see them?" I look around, and try to find my hats, that I'm sure I placed down just a moment before. "Ah. They seem to have wandered off. What a bother! Well I suppose they will come back when they find time. Until then! Let us go grace the Queen with our presence."
You follow me, and we walk down the path, heading towards the Queen's House of Cards.
^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
When we arrive, Most of the guests are already there.
Card Soldiers, the diamonds, are running around, with paint buckets, acting quite mad if you ask me. And they say I'm mad.
My house is the size of a tin-pot compared to the Queen's House of Cards. My tea-table is very opinionated - it creaks whenever I set a cup of tea upon it...
The Queen herself is walking towards us, her hair done up in a hideous beehive, which does nothing for her aging features. Why if I'm mad she certainly is. I for one am not the one shouting at cards for painting the roses red. I quite enjoy red roses. I often walk through the rose garden that is conveniently located in the woods near my house, and think my organized mad thoughts.
But, as I was saying, the Queen is walking towards us, smiling, the model hostess, though she isn't.
One time when I was at tea, you were there I'm sure, she tried to cut off my head with a butter knife. It didn't work.
She is screaming. Why, it hurts my head to hear her yell so. Why do people yell?
I can't hear myself think when people yell. And that is very troubling.
And when I can't hear myself think, I can't talk to the voices inside my head. And what kind of fun would that be?
"Off with their heads!" She is telling us, as if we aren't standing there beside her. She seems to think we're on the other side of Wonderland, behind some bushes, just sitting there, drinking tea. Or maybe thinking organized mad thoughts.
"Why Queen, you know we can not cut off their heads without a trial!"
She rolls her eyes, and turns around. Her red dress is far to bright for my taste. It looks like those strawberries that grow near my home that I love to eat while drinking some tea. I quite enjoy tea. It is a delcious drink, and can be used for drowning door mice. Quite multi task able.
"Tea time!" She cries, and leads us towards the Card Castle, where I can see the Duchess and Alice already sitting.
"Greetings," I say, bounding up, then gesturing to you. "This is my friend the catapillar. Names are unimportant."
You don't seem to find that not at all funny. Quite the contrary, you find it offensive. Well, I apologize. But it is the truth. They don't care what your name is. I am the person they wish to see.
The table is sat for tea, and there are two spaces left. I settle down in one, and you the other. The White Rabbit is jogging up to us as we speak.
"I was late for a very important date, it seemed," he says, nodding to us. "But perhaps not."
"I will never stop thinking you Wonderland creatures are mad." Alice says, smiling amiably at us.
"We are all mad here, Alice darling. You know this very well." I say, smiling back.
"Indeed I do." She says.
"So, whose unbirthday is it?" I say, looking around.
"No ones." The Queen grumbles, rolling her eyes at you. "Heart and soul, can't you control your mad being that you inhibit?"
You shake your head, and say "Queen, how many times did I tell you I can not control the brain of the person or persons I inhibit?"
I stand up, outraged. "I am not inhibited by anyone, even the likes of this catapillar," I look at you with a cold stare that makes you shiver in your boots. Okay, you smile at me, but what fun is that? "And, it has to be someone’s unbirthday. Why else would we meet?"
"We would meet to become acquainted with your heart and soul!" The Queen shouts.
"Oh. Well. I am leaving! There is absolutely no reason for us to meet without an unbirthday."
And with that, I leave that perfectly good cup of tea sitting on the table beside the door mouse, and take my leave, to go think my organized mad thoughts.
