Trade Mistakes (1)

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So, the other day I was on my new laptop. I put in my flashdrive and started reading some of my really old writings. There was one in particular that I liked and felt the need to rewrite. The plot was good, but the writing was really bad since I wrote it in fourth or fifth grade. I haven't written in awhile, so I know this maybe all over the place. My writing isn't exactly "perfect" right now. So please tear it apart. I may just end up rewriting this also. But enjoy!
-Pshhxhoney


Spoiler
While reading this it's going to be confusing because it starts almost in media res or whatever it's called. So please bear with me! Thanks!


There are always times in people’s lives where they consider the option of starting new; of having a clean slate, so they can reinvent themselves and their lives. I had considered that fact of course when I started going to this school. I had only been a freshman for half a school year, but I had escaped with a fuzzy memory of how exactly on how I got out, but nonetheless I had gotten out and that was all that mattered.
Here I was though, back to the place where it had all begun; back to the place where I was to stay for another year. A year and a half I had been gone, and they had been able to find me. I thought I had planted enough fake evidence of places I had walked to just to avoid the Trackers, but they had been able to really see where I was. That was why they were placed as Trackers; they were good at what they did and that was tracking down my real whereabouts.
They found me in Vermont right when I was about to cross over to Canada to go to Montreal. I was so close to finally escaping them. Once I crossed the United States border into the Canadian border I was no longer theirs. Of course the Canadian Trackers would be alerted of me and would start tracking me, but the Canadian trackers weren’t nearly as good as the ones in the United States. Canada was the last country to be inhabited by what I am. That was why there were very few of them in Canada and why their Trackers were so far behind the ones in the United States. I would have been free if I crossed the border, but the Trackers found me while I was hiding away in a cottage I had made in the woods right by the border. I should have known making that cabin would be a dead giveaway to where I was, but that’s what happens when you don’t go to school and learn the way of Trackers and their abilities.
Now I was sitting in a chair in the Headmaster’s office, waiting while a group of Trackers watched my every move. His office was the same as it had been last time I was here. The office was filled with windows, the only light to brighten the room. There was plush carpeting covering the wooden floor. Bookshelves covered the wall, showing no sign that there even were actual walls for the room. The only pieces of walls that weren’t fully covered were because taciturn animal heads were hung there because the Headmaster loved to hunt.
When I was just about getting ready to tell the Trackers to call me when the Headmaster gets back, he strutted into the room and sat at his desk. He looked at me inspecting me.
“Vivian, after so long, I’m delighted to have you in my office for once.” He finally announced.
“I’m sure you are, John. Now that I’m back I have a lot to make up for.” I remarked, giving the evil eye to one of the Trackers. The Headmaster hated when I called him by his first name. He let out a low sigh.
“I’m sure you do, but that won’t be possible. You see we have come in contact with you father. As you know how he is, you know very well he is not happy to hear about the predicament you have caused for this school. Since I am so generous as to have you back at this school because you were such a spectacular student, I have made a compromise with your father. You are to stay here until you graduate and go on as you were before you left and not cause any trouble whatsoever. Because I know how you are; you will accept this offer because you want to learn more, and we both know why. If you do though try to pull that stunt of yours again…well, let’s not reminisce about it.”
“You still have your old dorm. Of course you have a new schedule. In the mornings you will be training with one of our Professors because you have missed out on a year and a half of curriculum. You are just lucky we found you on the first day of school. Of course we will have a Tracker by your side at all times. Now here is your schedule” – he handed me a piece of familiar parchment-“And off you go.”
All of what John said was true. Since I was in here the majority of freshmen year we got to know each other fairly well. He knew I would agree to all of this because I needed to learn more to be able to successfully escape. We both knew I would be able to do it when I finally caught up with everyone else, but there was a piece inside of him hoping I wouldn’t try again.
In a way, I was glad the Trackers caught me. I was tired of running and planning. The Academy gave me enough time to recoup, plan, train, and learn.
Headmaster Parker led me to the door. He leaned close and whispered in my ear, “We both know you’re a very powerful witch, but we both know everyone else is more tuned than you momentarily, so try any funny stuff and you’ll see what will happen.”
“John,” –he made an annoyed face at me-“We both know you would like to think I’m a powerful witch but I’m not. It was a onetime thing what happened. I wish I was but I’m not.”
Last edited by pshhxhoney on Sun Aug 28, 2011 3:27 am, edited 2 times in total.
"I'm yet happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Stephen Chbosky




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I found this very interesting and not bad overall. Couldn't find any mistakes, then again i haven't been on top of my game today, haha. Well, overall I really enjoyed it.
I Know I Can Wish Upon A Star But My Past Is My Past, And That Includes Last Night And Yesterday.




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Thanks so much! There's more to come.
"I'm yet happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Stephen Chbosky




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Hey,
first of all this story sounds sooooo awesome. I am. Very interested
I found no mistakes at all




Canadian trakers. A mysterious school. I think this story has potental I am looking foward to more



Good luck and hope to see more
" The little girl ran into the angel’s arms and into heaven, while I flew to hell."-by EvensLily
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I really enjoyed reading this story. It's got me wondering what will happen next. It's so full of suspense and excitement. There were no gramatical mistakes that I could find. And I've always loved fantasy novels. I like the name vivian. It suits the character. And i'm really looking forward for the rest of the story. I would, however, suggest that you leave a line after a paragraph is completed but that is up to you. Anyway, good job! :)
You can wish for death... but you can't wish it away




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Thanks so much guys! I'm so glad you enjoyed this. I'll be posting more today or tomorrow. I'll PM all of you :)
"I'm yet happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Stephen Chbosky




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I really enjoyed reading this and did see a few mistakes though. Nothing serious. Just some places where there should have been a comma or a period such as this one:

Because I know how you are you will accept this offer because you want to learn more


Between the 'are' and 'you', you could have put a semi-colon there or some other form of punctuation. I think a semi-colon will suit this part very well. I really enjoyed your writing and I can't wait to read more. Keep writing.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
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I feel like it will be absolute hotdog water, but oh well. It's just a draft.
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