I take the envelope with shaking hands. My stomach begins to twist and turn and I can feel sweat collecting at the back of my neck. To Heather, from Luke. I read it over and over again and soon I feel like screaming. But I can’t. Instead I’m running upstairs and out the front door.
“Heather!” Sarah yells after me. “Heather what’s wrong?”
But I can barely hear her. My ears seem to be clogged with Luke’s voice. To Heather, from Luke. Again and again I can hear him say it and all I want to do is get away from it. My lungs are gasping for fresh air but all they receive is humidity. My body’s protesting, telling me to stop for just a minute. But I won’t.
Soon I’m past the Little Peach. I cross the street without even looking and when I hear a car beeping I just keep going. I have to get away. That’s all that matters. I can feel the weight of the envelope in my hand and I crush it, hoping it’ll disappear. But it doesn’t. Instead its yellow surface turns into a wrinkled mess.
I keep running past the barber shop and the convenient store. My lungs feel like they’re about to burst but I don’t stop. I like the pain. It keeps me a bit distracted. I stuff the letter into my back pocket and run a little faster. The trees and street signs all become one big blur. All the colors of the world around me merge into one, like a Claude Monet painting from far away.
Before I realize I’m there I stop at the playground down the street from my house. I run to the slide and sit down. My body shakes and my lungs keep searching for air. I lay down, breathing with great difficulty. I close my eyes and picture nothing. I don’t want to think of anything.
“Are you okay?” a voice says to me.
Behind my eye lids I picture Luke standing over me, covering the little sun that’s being let through the clouds and I open my eyes. Instead I see a pair of brown eyes that are nothing like Luke’s. Luke’s are more like butterscotch, these are like dark chocolate.
“Hey?” He says again and he sounds amused. I didn’t realize I was smiling. I stand, forcing him to step back.
“I’m fine.” I say briskly and start to make my way to the park entrance.
“Wait!” I hear him shout behind me. I don’t turn. “You forgot your letter!”
I stop and spin around. I’m tempted to tell him it’s not mine. Maybe I’ll just forget about it if I do. But he keeps walking toward me and soon he’s standing a couple of feet away. He holds the letter out to me but I can’t bring myself to take it. He puts his free hand inside his pants pocket. He takes a few steps toward me still holding the letter out to me. I take a couple of steps back.
“C’mon take it.” My breathing is speeding up. I feel a tear spill out of my eye and slowly fall down my cheek. He follows it with his eyes. “Are you okay?” He asks again a bit more urgent. He doesn’t seem to know what to do. He shifts back and forth on his feet and runs a hand through his dark hair.
“Heather!” My mom’s voice breaks the sudden quiet that has settled over the street. I watch as she gets out of her car and jogs to where I am. I quickly snatch the letter out of the guy’s hand and stuff it in my pocket. The guy seems relieved. He eyes my mom and starts to retreat back to the playground.
“Bye Heather.” He says, waving goodbye. I notice his arm is covered in tattoos.
My mom throws her arms around me. She seems to be squeezing the life out of me. She runs her hands down my back, through my hair, over my shoulders. It’s suffocating.
“Are you okay? Luke’s mother called me worried. Are you okay?” She’s frantic. All I want to do is get out of her grasp.
“I’m fine.” I tell her even though I’m not. I’ll never be okay. I’ll never be fine.
“What happened? Why did you leave like that?”
I shake my head.
“What? Heather you have to talk to me.”
I can’t find my voice. All I can do is shake my head.
At home my mother leaves me alone. She still wants to know what’s happening, but I won’t tell her. Because I know that she won’t understand. I can barely understand what’s happening. I feel the envelope in my pocket. It’s so heavy. It makes my limbs feel like lead.
In my room I close the shades and shut the curtains. I turn off the lights. All I want to do is be alone. I lie in bed and look at the ceiling. It’s so white, so perfect. Just like my life before Luke left.
“Heather let me ask you something.” Luke says throwing himself on my bed.
I giggle. “Sure why not. As long as it’s not stupid.”
A corner of his mouth lift up in a half smile. “I don’t think it’s stupid.”
“Fine, then it’s not stupid.” I pause, waiting for him to ask me the question, but he doesn’t. He just looks up, lost in thought. “Luke, ask me.”
He sighs, “I just wanted to know.”
“Know what?”
“What would you do if I wasn’t here anymore?”
The smile that had been on my face falls and my blood runs cold. “What do you mean if you weren’t here anymore?” The panic in my voice is evident.
Luke shakes his head. “Forget it. I knew you wouldn’t understand.” His voice is so cold.
I look at him. This is so unlike him. “Why do you say that?” My voice is small. Luke looks at me. He can tell I’m hurt by what he’s saying. He sighs. Getting up he walks across the room and embraces me. Planting a kiss on my neck he rests his head on my shoulder.
“Forget it. It was stupid.” He laughs, but it’s humorless. “See I guess it was stupid after all.”
He’s trying to make me feel better but it’s not working. My mind keeps replaying his question. Why would he say something like that? Is he sick?
“I love you.” I say and reach for him. I squeeze myself to him.
“I love you too Heather.” He doesn’t move or push me away.
“Promise you’ll be here forever.”
He shakes his head, but promises me anyways.
. 