Hidden Flame: A dragon's secret Prologue

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Prologue

A long time ago, there used to be a town called Ocultos lama which is Spanish for Hidden Flame. All the people living there had a Hidden Flame inside of them. That flame was the source of their energy, which they used for summoning dragons and performing dragon rituals. The Grand Mansion was the gathering area of the town’s most noble and elderly people who were part of the Great Council.

It happened only once that during a gathering, one of the noblemen, Gilbert Laurence, suggested the use of this flame as a military weapon. All eyes stared at him, shocked that he would even consider such a reckless thing. Irritated by the lack of support he was getting from the councilmen, he decided to quit the Great Council and leave the town as it was.

The Council members suspected him of having wrong intentions, so they launched an expedition to find him and bring him back to the Mansion. There, they would resolve matters with him. Unluckily, Gilbert’s true intentions were displayed before them as he tried to harm them using the hidden flame.

When the Council members heard about this, they were infuriated by what he had turned into. That was when a law was passed to learn the use of the hidden flame to defend oneself from Gilbert and other similar dangerous people in the world.

Soon...

When the townspeople learned the ways to defend themselves, they yearned for more knowledge. They wanted to learn offensive style as well, even though it had been prohibited. By that time, Gilbert had already opened up an academy, away from the town, where he would teach both offensive and defensive styles of fighting. In only a matter of time, people started turning evil whilst only a few remained good.

That was just the beginning. After Gilbert’s death, his son took over, and then his son and so on… till the late 19th century, when things started to change. A few of the sons had a different point of view. They did not like violence and killings and so they resorted to a more suitable solution. They left their houses and towns to settle in different parts of the world.

And that is how the black and white dragons came into existence. All descendents of Gilbert contained the power of the black dragon while all others contained the power of white dragons. Many years later in the mid 20th century almost all the black dragon owners had turned good which angered a man named Gale, who was one of the few black dragon owners left on Earth. He decided to change everything.

From the time when he was only eighteen, he had begun his evil mischief by killing all black dragon owners who had turned good and had left the evil-hearted people. He was soon known as ‘Gale of the Black Dragons’, as he was never caught, although many people tried to capture him and take him in custody, but he always seemed to slip through their hands.

Three years later, an old spell caster saw a vision. She was brave enough to confront him. He was walking on the streets at night when she told him, “A day will come when light will be reborn and darkness shall fall in defeat. Everywhere the light touches, it will leave its glow on the remnants and soon you will no longer have any power left within you…”
Gale turned to look at her and laughed, then said, "No one can ever kill me. I am the strongest dragon owner in the world. You should've known that before coming here. I can kill you too..." Gale gave a devilish smile to the old women but she was not one to be afraid of him.

She did something which seemed like an ancient spell. She moved her fingers in mid-air to make a symbol of light. It glowed vibrantly, tracing the perfect lines and curves. That was when the crystal was born.
"We'll just see about that!" The woman said, holding the crystal. It glowed a deep blue color before launching a powerful airwave at Gale. He fell backwards and his back hit the ground. Gale got irritated and tried to get up but the crystal's powerful glow kept him paralyzed. The woman walked away. A while later, he finally managed to get up as the spell on him faded.

Not being able to get over this humiliation, Gale hunted her for one whole year. He tried to get his hands on that crystal when, in their final battle, the woman perished. Her last words were, “I am taking the crystal with me but it will be reborn on the day of the enlightened child’s birth. When that day comes, Gale should be ready to face defeat…”

Not too long after that, Gale was arrested for committing murder. He let the police take him in costody. Inside the prison cell, he thought of what to do next. Gale couldn't believe that he was actually worried about some silly prediction about an enlightened child. This time it took him a while to finally plan an escape.

A week later...
“Something terrible is about to happen,” said the the spell caster's descendent.
“What is it, Aida? What do you see?” Dawn asked worriedly. Her dark, long hair falling over her shoulders as she stared at the psychic with her dark grey eyes. They were inside a great mansion which was built at the exact same spot where the old Great Mansion used to be centuries ago. The old town of the hidden flame was no longer in existence and instead, this new mansion was surrounded by a forest. There was a small route though, which led to a town called ‘Green Garden’ as it was always full of greenery.

Aida was lying down on a bed, her hands clenching to fists and then opening as she saw the terrible nightmare which was to come true very soon. She looked very pale and on the verge of fainting but she kept her eyes half open; it was how she used to see visions. Her light brown hair was slightly wet from sweat. Finally after a few minutes, she spoke in a voice so low that Dawn had to kneel down beside the bed just to hear her,

“The dark one… the one called Gale of Black Dragons… he is back. He’s escaped from prison and wants to kill more black dragons… Dawn… your children, the twins, you said that you sensed one of them to contain a black dragon, right?”

Dawn didn’t say anything, but nodded slowly. She had a knot in her stomach which twisted as the seconds flew by. She knew something really horrible would happen which couldn’t be prevented. She had a bad feeling that maybe she would…

“Gale knows about it, the child, he thinks it’s the enlightened child although I don’t think that at all but he fears that his days of evil might be put to an end after all…”
“Shang… and Nick…. What are you saying, Aida? Those two are only a month old… what do you expect me to do?” Tears started welling up in Dawn’s eyes but she held them back. This was no time for crying. She had to stay strong to protect her children.
“Listen to me Dawn,” Aida spoke in a firm voice which had an authority. She looked straight into Dawn’s watery eyes and continued, “You mustn’t lose hope that easily. You’re a good warrior and an expert dragon user. You are highly capable of protecting your two sons, but to do that you might have to separate them; send them to different places, away from this area. Send them to a place where no one can find them but they can’t be together either. Are you getting the idea so far?”

Dawn nodded slowly again. Trying to imagine her life without her two sons… “Snap out of it, Dawn!” Aida was sitting on the bed now, shaking Dawn, trying to get her to listen, “Look, I know what it’s like to live without your children but trust me. This is for their protection. Nick has the black dragon power so send him to a faraway place. However, Shang can still be under your care…for now.”

Dawn couldn’t hold back those aching tears anymore. She burst into sobs and Aida hugged her gently to try to calm her down. “Be brave… for your sons. You know you have to…” She whispered in her ear.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Slowly, Dawn withdrew from the hug and wiped her face with a handkerchief to go and open the door. There, standing in front of her was the person she didn’t want to face right now but knew that he would have eventually found out anyway. He had dark hair which was in curls and deep blue eyes that always had a glint in them.

“Sloane! What’re you doing here? You’re home early…” She said, trying to sound cheerful but her voice was a little shaky from all that crying and Sloane, her husband, would automatically suspect that something was wrong.
“I wanted to see the twins. I brought a present for them… but you don’t seem well. Are you alright?” he asked calmly. He had no idea he was never going to be able to see one of his son’s face again.
“I-well I…” Dawn bit her lip and stepped aside to let him in.
“Aida. I see you’re awake. Did you say something to her?” Sloane tilted his head, gesturing towards Dawn.

Aida told him all that she’d seen in her vision and that they must send Nick away to protect him. Sloane seemed to be amazingly calm, even after hearing the horrible news. That was his specialty. He always did what was best for everyone and never let his emotions give way freely the way Dawn’s did. He was a very brave and strong warrior too and also a white dragon owner. Dawn was a black dragon owner. And their children inherited that.

“But since Dawn’s a black dragon as well, won’t Gale come after her too? Wouldn’t it be fair if we send her to stay with Nick wherever he goes?”
“No. You mustn’t even go near the child when he is sent. I have already decided where he should be sent. A safe place I know has a boarding school that would be opening soon. I will place a long distant spell on it. It will keep Nick safe. And the school principal is very nice. He will keep Nick as his own son but of course you will have to send the money from here somehow for his school fee and a little extra for his pocket money. Nick will at least have an idea that he has a family somewhere.” Aida finished her speech and looked at the two of them.

It was Sloane who spoke, “But that’s the problem. Once Nick’s powers start revealing themselves, he will start to panic. Just imagine what it might be like for him to be stuck with something he doesn’t understand. People will start thinking of him as a freak. What will the principal say to that? He doesn’t know anything about dragons. We keep our identities a secret.”
“I know, Sloane, and so does the principal. He’s an old friend of my father’s and he knows about spell casters and dragon owners. Don’t worry. I’ll talk to him about this and he’ll understand.”
“But what about Shang?” Dawn almost whispered.
“Shang is perfectly safe, Dawn. You are the black dragon owner. If there was any danger, it would probably be upon you and not your son. So you have nothing to worry about.”

Dawn nodded when suddenly both the twins started crying. It was more like screams of pain. Dawn and Sloane were already on their feet and were heading towards their room. As soon as they opened the door, the screams died down. Both parents could sense a strange dark aura inside the room.

Dawn didn’t waste any time in getting rid of the aura. Speaking in the language of the dragons, she traced a symbol of light with her fingers. She knew what to say; she'd known this language since birth.
“Dragon… Purify!” Just as she said that, her eyes turned from grey to violet and light shone from the symbol, tracing every line and curve perfectly. Then it spread through the room, touching every corner, leaving no sign of darkness anywhere.

Few days later…

“What?” Dawn and Sloane almost shouted. They were both standing in the room where Aida still lay on the bed.
“Gale thinks you’re the enlightened child because you were able to purify even though you’re a black dragon owner. He wants to hunt you down and he’s not going to stop until you’re dead,” Aida told him
“First of all, she’s not a child anymore. She’s an adult. That Gale is just a nutcase. And second, what do we do now?” Sloane asked, frowning at her, worried. Dawn seemed to be on the verge of tears again. Sloane put a comforting arm around her and felt her trembling. He squeezed her hand.
“You two must leave with Sloane’s father, Samuel. He will escort you to his house. Take Shang and Nick with you. Gale won’t be able to find you guys for a while. Until then, you’re safe.”

"It'll be alright, Dawn," Sloane whispered in Dawn's ear and she nodded in response.
And that’s how they left the beautiful mansion but it had been only hours after which Dawn could no longer sense its existence. She was with Sloane and Samuel at his house.

Dawn was pacing back and forth in the living room worriedly. Sloane noticed her acting strange and grabbed her arm to make her stop.
"What is it?" He frowned.
“Something’s wrong. I can’t sense it anymore… I’ve tried contacting Aida telepathically but there’s no answer.” She was saying rapidly, “I’m telling you, something’s gone wrong.”
“You stay here… I’ll go see what’s happened.” Sloane said, gently releasing her arm and left.

That was when they found out that Gale had already destroyed the mansion but Aida had escaped somehow. Nobody knew where she was and she cut off all telepathic links. She could do that since she was a spell caster, a witch who had the ability to see things before they happened. She’d seen this and known when it would happen so she’d run away just in time. Gale had come to find the mansion empty.

Two years later, Dawn had another child and it was a girl. Only a month after the child's birth, Gale found Dawn. He had been tracking down an unknown black dragon and had been led to her house. He was going to kill her when something else caught his eyes. The thing in her arms she held protectively. It was radiating such power… he had never sensed this much power from a mere child and it was the black dragon he had been sensing. It was a pity all that power was going to have to go to waste once he’d killed
it.

Dawn was very protective of her children and was never going to allow Gale harming them. This time, she didn’t use her hands to conjure up any symbol. This time, her eyes turned violet and then red in an instant. Sloane wasn’t home at that time. He had gone to take Shang out for a walk. Nick was already in the care of the principal in California, Los Angeles. Samuel was there, though. He was talking to her telepathically, telling her to give him the baby girl so that he could escape with it while she kept Gale busy.

That was the only option. The power Dawn had just released sent Gale flying out of the house and hitting a tree trunk hard. Dawn took advantage of that and handed the baby girl to Samuel, “Protect Erika. Take her to the place where our mansion used to be. I don’t need to be informed by Aida because I feel that she’s the enlightened child. Once you take her there, you will see a house on the exact spot where the mansion was before. The family living there knows about dragons and spell casters. She will be safe there. Now go…”

After nodding all that, Samuel disappeared in an instant, taking the baby girl with him.

Gale got up again. This time, Dawn was fully prepared to blow the guy away for good but she knew he wasn’t dumb enough to fall for the same thing again. She could see the shock on his face to see the old man and the child gone. Suddenly, that shock turned to fury and he launched a heavy beam at her but she ducked out of it.

Somehow, the fight continued for a while till Sloane came home and fought too. It was two against one and Gale knew he would lose the fight. He retrieved threatening them that he would find the child and kill it.

Dawn was scared; not for herself, but for Erika. She had to protect her and to do that, she had to find Aida first. She knew Aida wasn’t dead because she had sensed the life energy inside her two years ago. Aida had gotten away. She’d known.

“I’m sorry, Sloane, but we are their guardians and it’s our job to protect all of them. I will have to leave you here with Shang. Take good care of him…” Dawn had said it with watery eyes and a shaky voice. Before Sloane could even object, she was gathering her things so he kept quiet. She was still sobbing quietly and he watched her the whole time, silently standing a few feet away from her. ‘She’s stronger than I thought…’ was all he thought. They hugged each other with sorrowful eyes.

Outside, through the forest, Samuel ran with the child. He knew the place by heart. Old memories flooded through his mind as he came closer to the house Dawn had described. It was exactly on the spot where the mansion had been but what was so special about bringing the child here? He had heard from Aida once that the enlightened child will have the ability to oppose the darkness and destroy its every last remnant by just a touch of its lightning power. ‘Could it be?’ thought the old man, ‘If Erika really is the Enlightened Child, then she might be able to conjure up the old mansion again… if so, then we might actually have a chance against Gale…’

Just as he reached the front steps of the house, he heard a loud roar of thunder and with it he sensed Gale’s anger from miles away. Samuel knew he had to hurry before Gale reached the house. He knocked on the door ferociously, jabbing at the door bell at the same time. Then to his relief, the door was answered by a woman who looked about the same age as Dawn. Samuel handed the baby girl to her, “Take good care of her.” He said and vanished. The woman took the girl inside with a surprised look on her face but just when the girl opened her eyes, they sparkled in a deep blue color. It was almost impossible for the woman to look away from her and she knew she would raise the girl well.

Back inside the forest, Gale’s search continued, “He couldn’t have gone that far…”
“No he hasn’t,” said a female voice which gave a sense of authority. Gale turned, it was Aida, followed by Dawn.
“So I see you’re still alive. I thought you got crushed under the collapsed mansion.”
“You’ve got to do better than that just to kill her.” Dawn spoke confidently while Aida spoke in a different language as she recited a spell. This time her fingers made the symbol of Darkness as she spoke,
“…and I banish thee from all light that shine…”

A light glowed, taking the shape of the symbol of darkness, tracing all the fine curves. The light glowed brighter and brighter as Gale backed away. He could see that the spell was working. The witch was banishing him to the Dark Lands…
“You can be happy while I’m gone but enjoy it all you want because I will return. I promise you that!” And with that, he was gone. He vanished; probably got sent to the Dark Lands where Aida had meant to send him.

Then the two neared the house where the enlightened child was kept.
Aida drew the symbol of Light again and cast the spell of protection over the child.
“She will be safe as long as I am alive,” she told Dawn who nodded great fully.
“I still want to watch over my little girl. I’ve left Sloane with the responsibility of watching over Shang. I’ll keep visiting him from time to time but I won’t be able to stay at one place for long. Who knows when Gale might escape again…?”
“Alright then,” Aida spoke, “I will give you the key to open the portal which leads to another dimension. You can stay there and watch your children through a globe I will provide you with. I am coming with you. There is nothing for me to do here on Earth, anyway.”
“Right,” Dawn nodded and hugged her, “Thank you… for all your help.” She whispered after which they left.
Last edited by Twinkle4ever on Sun Aug 28, 2011 3:06 am, edited 6 times in total.




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Hello!

I really do like this, but I'll come to those points in a minute. First the nit picks, sorry:

as told by the elderly people,

I'm guessing that these people are supposed to be very well known and special, so "elderly" doesn't really cut the grade as a good adjective. Look it up in a thesaurus and I'm certain there will be loads of great ones :)

contained a dimly glowing flame inside of them.

Once again, this doesn't really cut it. "dimly glowing flame" could become much more magical and mystifying. But if you are sticking with this then there should be a comma after "dimly".

That flame was the source of their energy which they used

Should be a comma after "energy".

It happened only once… during a gathering, one of the noblemen,

I'd make this into two sentances. Place a full stop after "gathering" instead of a comma.

but it seemed as though they lucked out this time.

"lucked out" is a little bit common.

They wanted to learn offensive style as well which had been prohibited but Gilbert had already opened up an academy, away from the town, where he would teach the offensive and defensive styles of fighting.

This sentence is a bit to long. I would put a full stop after "prohibited" and start the next sentence with "Unfortunatly" or something like that.

dark long hair falling

There should be a comma after "dark".

her dark grey eyes

Comma after "dark".

Her light brown mahogany hair

You don't need the "mahogany" because "light brown" already describes her hair.

He’s escaped from prison and wants to kill more black dragons

I thought you said he couldn't be caught? That's a bit confusing.

A safe place in America would be in California, Los Angeles.

Becasue you have used "California", a real place, does that mean that "Ocultos llama" is a real place aswell? Just wondering becasue if it isn't then I'm kind of confused that your mixing made up places with the real world.

You tell the story as if you are looking back on what has happened in the past and are narrating it to your children. Does that make sense? I really like that about this piece but it isn't very clear. I think that if you add somthing in the begining that really shows that this is someone telling the story then your writing could really work very well. Also I love the names, they really suit this.

I hope I wasn't to harsh and do understand that everything that I have said (apart from the grammar corrections) are completely down to you. You don't have to do what I say. :D

If you have any queries feel free to PM me or post something on my wall, Midnight x
"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic" - Albus Dumbledore




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This was a very interesting prologue.

MidnightWriter did a great job at finding those errors.

What I liked:

- The general theme of the hidden flame and the whole lore behind the events taking place. Your initial few paragraphs told a very interesting tale.

- The pacing, it never got boring.

- The tone of the story. It's very easy to read which is what I love about it

What I didn't like so much:

- General lack of description in places

- At times you should be "showing" rather than telling. Having characters do some actions to reflect their emotions after speaking is a way to do this.

- You should make time gaps more clear. In your prologue the time the story is in changes many times, it would've been better if you had stuff like, "2 years later..." and so on before starting a part where time has moved forward.

Overall Thoughts -- Very interesting, can't wait to read chapter 1.




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Twinkle4ever....I see u did a great job over there...I really enjoyed reading it. I felt on of the characters in them i was that engrossed it in....I got to say you will soon see the "FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR" inshallah....
@R33B@




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Alrighty, here to review! I'll start with the critiques. Strikethroughs are omissions, red is for corrections and suggestions, and blue is for comments.

A long time ago, there used to be a town called Ocultos llama which is Spanish for Hidden flame [Since it's the name of a town, both words should be capitalized]. All the people living there contained a hidden flame inside of them. [Consider using 'had' instead of 'contained.']


It happened only once. [This line throws me off a little; it makes it sound at first like the gathering only happened once.]


Irritated by the lack of support he was getting from his fellow brothers [Instead of 'fellow brothers,' consider using something like 'brethren', 'fellow councilmen'. etc.], he decided to quit the Great Council and leave the town as it was.


The Council members suspected him of having wrong intentions[,] so they launched an expedition to find Gilbert him and bring him back to the Mansion.


There, they would resolve matters with him, but it seemed like they were unsuccessful this time. [This line is extremely awkward, and breaks from the distant, omniscient narrative voice you've been using thus far. I'd suggest either rewriting or omitting it.] Gilbert’s true intentions were displayed before them as he tried to use the hidden flame against them. [Just a suggestion, of course.]


They wanted to learn offensive style as well[,] even though it had been prohibited. Unfortunately, [Again, 'unfortunately' seems too conversational for the narrative style you're using right now. You could probably omit it.] Gilbert had already opened up an academy, away from the town, where he would teach both offensive and defensive styles of fighting. Soon there were people turning evil whilst only a few remained good.


That was just the beginning. [Since you've already said above that 'that was when it all started', this seems a little repetitive.]


A few of the sons had a different point of view.


Three years later, an old woman who was a psychic spell caster saw a vision. [You could probably omit the part about 'psychic spell caster.' It's a term that sounds more at home in a video game or a children's book, and you quite effectively show her powers in the course of the story.]


She did something which seemed like an ancient spell. She moved her fingers in mid-air to make a symbol of light. And the amazing thing was that the light actually glowed inside the symbol. [Once again, this is too conversational for the mood you've set up. Consider revising.] That was when the crystal was born.


"We'll just see about that!" The woman said[,] holding the crystal. It glowed a deep blue color before launching a powerful airwave at Gale. He fell backwards and his back hit the ground. Gale got mad he tried to get up but the crystal's powerful glow kept him from moving. He was parallized. [This line doesn't read so well. Consider something like this:

He grew angry and tried to get up, but the crystal's powerful glow kept him paralyzed.



“Something terrible is about to happen,” Said the daughter of the old woman.

“What is it Aida? What do you see?” Dawn asked worriedly, her dark, long hair falling over her shoulders as she stared at the psychic’s descendent, Aida, with her grey eyes. [This is sort of an informational overload. If you left out 'Said the daughter of the old woman', the second paragraph would pack more of a punch. Also, unless Dawn is a recurring character, this early mention of her appearance just bogs the story down. The edited version would look like this:]

“Something terrible is about to happen.”

“What is it, Aida?" Dawn asked worriedly, staring at the old woman's descendant with her grey eyes. "What do you see?”


The old town of the hidden flame was no longer in existence and instead, this new mansion was surrounded by a forest. [I really like this part. It has a nice feel to it.]


Dawn didn’t say anything[,] but just nodded slowly.


Dawn didn’t waste any time in getting rid of the aura. She made a symbol of light with her fingers and spoke in a different language which she’d known from birth. It was the language of the dragons. [Consider revising to something like this:]


Dawn didn’t waste any time in getting rid of the aura. She made a symbol of light with her fingers, and spoke in the language of the dragons, which she had known since birth.



“What?!” Dawn and Sloane said together. [This is technically improper punctuation. Omit the exclamation mark.]


He was talking to her telepathically, telling her to give him the baby girl so that he could escape with it while she kept Gale busy. [Might want to mention that they had another child at some point, and that it was a girl.]


Alright. This was somewhat lengthy for a prologue, especially one that tells of history. They're generally written in a condensed form, not lingering so much on detail, because they're meant to hook the reader and then shoot them right into the first chapter. I'd suggest, if at all possible, shortening it just a little.
Your story flow is good, but could use some polishing; you use a lot of words like 'so', 'because', and 'which'. They're alright when used sparingly, but too many can really bog down your prose.

Critiques aside, I really like your plot so far! The dynamic of good vs. evil is obviously very strong, and I'm very interested in the matter of the dragons. Your characters are very grounded and realistic, even for a historical prologue. Sometimes I'm a bit wary of fantasy stories, because there is a certain tendency to mimic popular fantasy book. But your story is different enough to be refreshing. Also, your description of the novel is very good.
Consider me intrigued!

I hope I haven't been too harsh. Any comments or questions, please let me know, either via PM or wall-post.
I aim to misbehave.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? --Steven Wright




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A long time ago, there used to be a town called Ocultos lama which is Spanish for Hidden Flame. All the people living there had a Hidden Flame inside of them. That flame was the source of their energy, which they used for summoning dragons and performing dragon rituals. The Grand Mansion was the gathering area of the town’s most noble and elderly people who were part of the Great Council.
It happened only once that during a gathering, one of the noblemen, Gilbert Laurence, suggested the use of this flame as a military weapon. All eyes stared at him, shocked that he would even consider such a reckless thing. Irritated by the lack of support he was getting from the councilmen, he decided to quit the Great Council and leave the town as it was.
The Council members suspected him of having wrong intentions, so they launched an expedition to find him and bring him back to the Mansion. There, they would resolve matters with him. Unluckily, Gilbert’s true intentions were displayed before them as he tried to harm them using the hidden flame.

When the Council members heard about this, they were infuriated by what he had turned into. That was when a law was passed to learn the use of the hidden flame to defend oneself from Gilbert and other similar dangerous people in the world.
Soon...
When the townspeople learned the ways to defend themselves, they yearned for more knowledge. They wanted to learn offensive style as well, even though it had been prohibited. By that time, Gilbert had already opened up an academy, away from the town, where he would teach both offensive and defensive styles of fighting. In only a matter of time, people started turning evil whilst only a few remained good.
That was just the beginning. After Gilbert’s death, his son took over, and then his son and so on… till the late 19th century, when things started to change. A few of the sons had a different point of view. They did not like violence and killings and so they resorted to a more suitable solution. They left their houses and towns to settle in different parts of the world.
And that is how the black and white dragons came into existence. All descendents of Gilbert contained the power of the black dragon while all others contained the power of white dragons. Many years later in the mid 20th century almost all the black dragon owners had turned good which angered a man named Gale, who was one of the few black dragon owners left on Earth. He decided to change everything.
From the time when he was only eighteen, he had begun his evil mischief by killing all black dragon owners who had turned good and had left the evil-hearted people. He was soon known as ‘Gale of the Black Dragons’, as he was never caught, although many people tried to capture him and take him in custody, but he always seemed to slip through their hands.
Three years later, an old spell caster saw a vision. She was brave enough to confront him. He was walking on the streets at night when she told him, “A day will come when light will be reborn and darkness shall fall in defeat. Everywhere the light touches, it will leave its glow on the remnants and soon you will no longer have any power left within you…”
Gale turned to look at her and laughed, then said, "No one can ever kill me. I am the strongest dragon owner in the world. You should've known that before coming here. I can kill you too..." Gale gave a devilish smile to the old women but she was not one to be afraid of him.
She did something which seemed like an ancient spell. She moved her fingers in mid-air to make a symbol of light. It glowed vibrantly, tracing the perfect lines and curves. That was when the crystal was born.
"We'll just see about that!" The woman said, holding the crystal. It glowed a deep blue color before launching a powerful airwave at Gale. He fell backwards and his back hit the ground. Gale got irritated and tried to get up but the crystal's powerful glow kept him parallized paralyzed. The woman walked away.
Not being able to get over this humiliation, Gale hunted her for one whole year this transition was a little unclear. At the first part of the sentence, I thought he was still paralyzed, and obviously humiliated. But then you make it sound like he had gotten up sometime and began hunting her. It just tripped me up a little, so I‘d try clearing it up somehow x) . He tried to get his hands on that crystal when, in their final battle, the woman perished. Her last words were, “I am taking the crystal with me but it will be reborn on the day of the enlightened child’s birth. When that day comes, Gale should be ready to face defeat…”
Not too long after that, Gale was arrested for committing murder. He let the police take him in costody custody. Inside the prison cell, he thought of what to do next. Gale couldn't believe that he was actually worried about some silly prediction about an enlightened child. This time it took him a while to finally plan an escape.
A week later...
“Something terrible is about to happen,” said the old woman's descendent. I assume the ‘old woman’ was the spell caster. You’ve never described her before as ‘old’ before so that confused me. I think it would be better if you said ‘the spell caster’s descendent’, so that we know exactly who you’re talking about.
“What is it comma (always use a comma before addressing a name) Aida? What do you see?” Dawn asked worriedly, her dark, long hair falling over her shoulders as she stared at the psychic with her dark grey eyes I absolutely love the description, but the sentence feels a bit long. How about something like ‘…Dawn asked the psychic worriedly. Her long, dark hair fell over her shoulders as she gazed at her friend (or whatever relationship they have) with dark grey eyes.’ . They were inside a great mansion which was built at the exact same spot where the old Great Mansion used to be centuries ago. The old town of the hidden flame was no longer in existence and instead, this new mansion was surrounded by a forest. There was a small route though, which led to a town called ‘Green Garden’ as it was always full of greenery.
Aida was lying down on a bed, her hands clenching to fists and then opening as she saw the terrible nightmare which was to come true very soon. She looked very pale and on the verge of fainting but she kept her eyes half open; it was how she used to see visions. Her light brown hair was slightly wet from sweat. Finally after a few minutes, she spoke in a voice so low that Dawn had to kneel down beside the bed just to hear her,
“The dark one… the one called Gale of Black Dragons… he is back. He’s escaped from prison and wants to kill more black dragons… Dawn… your children, the twins, you said that you sensed one of them to contain a black dragon, right?”
Dawn didn’t say anything, but nodded slowly. There was a knot in her stomach which kept getting tighter every second as though she knew something really horrible would happen which couldn’t be prevented This sentence felt very long. Is there a way you could break it into two? Maybe ‘There was a knot in her stomach that twisted with every passing second. She had a sinking feeling that something really horrible was going to happen, and that she would not be able to prevent it.’. She had this sinking feeling that maybe she would…
“Gale knows about it, the child, he thinks it’s the enlightened child although I don’t think that at all period but he fears that his days of evil might be put to an end after all…”
“Shang… and Nick…. What are you saying Aida? Those two are only a month old… what do you expect me to do?” Tears started welling up in Dawn’s eyes but she held them back. This was no time for crying. She had to stay strong to protect her children.
“Listen to me comma Dawn,” Aida spoke in a firm voice which had an authority. She looked straight into Dawn’s watery eyes and continued, “You mustn’t lose hope that easily. You’re a good warrior and an expert dragon user. You are highly capable of protecting your two sons comma but to do that, no comma you might have to separate them; send them to different places, away from this area. Send them to a place where no one can find them but they can’t be together either. Are you getting the idea so far?”
Dawn nodded slowly again. Trying to imagine her life without her two sons… “Snap out of it, Dawn!” Aida was sitting on the bed now, shaking Dawn, trying to get her to listen, “Look, I know what it’s like to live without your children but trust me. This is for their protection. Nick has the black dragon power so send Nick him to a faraway place. However, Shang can still be under your care…for now.”
Dawn couldn’t hold back those aching tears anymore. She burst into sobs and Aida hugged her gently to try to calm her down. “Be brave… for your sons. You know you have to…” She whispered in her ear.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Slowly, Dawn withdrew from the hug and wiped her face with a handkerchief to go and open the door. There, standing in front of her was the person she didn’t want to face right now but knew that he would have eventually found out anyway. He had dark hair which was in curls and deep blue eyes that sparkled all the time. Picky comment, but maybe ‘always sparkled’ sounds better than ‘sparkled all the time’.
“Sloane! What’re you doing here? You’re home early…” She said, trying to sound cheerful but her voice was a little shaky from all that crying and Sloane, her husband comma would automatically suspect that something was wrong.
“I wanted to see the twins. I brought a present for them… but you don’t seem well. Are you alright?” he asked calmly. He had no idea he was never going to be able to see one of his son’s face again.
“I-well I…” Dawn bit her lip and stepped aside to let him in.
“Aida. I see you’re awake. Did you say something to her?” Sloane tilted his head, gesturing towards Dawn.
Aida told him all that she’d seen in her vision and that they must send Nick away to protect him. Sloane seemed to be amazingly calm, even after hearing the horrible news. That was his specialty. He always did what was best for everyone and never let his emotions give way freely the way Dawn’s did. He was a very brave and strong warrior too and also a white dragon owner. Dawn was a black dragon owner. And their children inherited that.
“But since Dawn’s a black dragon as well, won’t Gale come after her too? Wouldn’t it be fair if we send her to stay with Nick wherever he goes?”
“No. You mustn’t even go near the child when he is sent. I have already decided where he should be sent. A safe place I know has a boarding school that would be opening soon. I will place a long distant spell on it. It will keep Nick safe, don’t worry about it.And the school principal is very nice. He will keep Nick as his own son but of course you will have to send the money from here somehow for his school fee and a little extra for his pocket money. Nick will at least have an idea that he has a family somewhere.” Aida finished her speech and looked at the two of them.
It was Sloane who spoke, “But that’s the problem. Once Nick’s powers start revealing themselves, he will start to panic. Just imagine what it might be like for him to be stuck with something he doesn’t understand. People will start thinking of him as a freak. What will the principal say to that? He doesn’t know anything about dragons. We keep our identities a secret.”
“I know, Sloane comma and so does the principal. He’s an old friend of my father’s and he knows about spell casters and dragon owners. Don’t worry. I’ll talk to him about this and he’ll understand.”
“But what about Shang?” Dawn almost whispered.
“Shang is perfectly safe, Dawn. You are the black dragon owner. If there was any danger, it would probably be upon you and not your son. So you have nothing to worry about.”
Dawn nodded when suddenly, no comma both the twins started crying. It was more like screams of pain. Dawn and Sloane were already on their feet and were heading towards their room. As soon as they opened the door, the screams died down. Both parents could sense a strange dark aura inside the room.
Dawn didn’t waste any time in getting rid of the aura. Speaking in the language of the dragons, she traced a symbol of light with her fingers. She knew what to say; she'd known this language since birth.
“Dragon… Purify!” Just as she said that, her eyes turned from grey to violet and light shone from the symbol, tracing every line and curve perfectly. Then it spread through the room, touching every corner, leaving no sign of darkness anywhere.
Few days later…
“What?” Dawn and Sloane almost shouted. They were both standing in the room where Aida still lay on the bed.
“Gale thinks you’re the enlightened child because you were able to purify even though you’re a black dragon owner. He wants to hunt you down and he’s not going to stop until you’re dead,” Aida told him
“First of all, she’s not a child anymore. She’s an adult. That Gale is just a nutcase. And second, what do we do now?” Sloane asked, frowning at her, worried. Dawn seemed to be on the verge of tears again. Sloane put a comforting arm around her and felt her trembling. He squeezed her hand.
“You two must leave with Sloane’s father, Samuel. He will escort you to his house. Take Shang and Nick with you. Gale won’t be able to find you guys for a while. Until then, you’re safe.”
"It'll be alright, Dawn," Sloane whispered in Dawn's ear and she nodded in response.
And that’s how they left the beautiful mansion but it had been only hours after which Dawn could no longer sense its existence. She was with Sloane and Samuel at his house.
Dawn was pacing back and forth in the living room worriedly. Sloane noticed her acting strange and grabbed her arm to make her stop.
"What is it?" He frowned.
“Something’s wrong. I can’t sense it anymore… I’ve tried contacting Aida telepathically but there’s no answer.” She was saying rapidly, “I’m telling you, something’s gone wrong.”
“You stay here… I’ll go see what’s happened.” Sloane said, gently releasing her arm and left.
That was when they found out that Gale had already destroyed the mansion but Aida had escaped somehow. Nobody knew where she was and she cut off all telepathic links. She could do that since she was a spell caster, a witch who had the ability to see things before they happened. She’d seen this and known when it would happen so she’d run away just in time. Gale had come to find the mansion empty.
Two years later, Dawn had another child and it was a girl. Only a month after the child's birth, Gale found Dawn. He had been tracking down an unknown black dragon and had been led to her house. He was going to kill her when something else caught his eyes. The thing in her arms she held protectively. It was radiating such power… he had never sensed this much power from a mere child and it was the black dragon he had been sensing. It was a pity all that power was going to have to go to waste once he’d killed
it.
Dawn was very protective of her children and was never going to allow Gale harming them. This time, she didn’t use her hands to conjure up any symbol. This time, her eyes turned violet and then red in an instant. Sloane wasn’t home at that time. He had gone to take Shang out for a walk. Nick was already in the care of the principal in California, Los Angeles. Samuel was there, though. He was talking to her telepathically, telling her to give him the baby girl so that he could escape with it while she kept Gale busy.
That was the only option. The power Dawn had just released sent Gale flying out of the house and hitting a tree trunk hard. Dawn took advantage of that and handed the baby girl to Samuel, “Protect Erika. Take her to the place where our mansion used to be. I don’t need to be informed by Aida because I feel that she’s the enlightened child. Once you take her there, you will see a house on the exact spot where the mansion was before. The family living there knows about dragons and spell casters. She will be safe there. Now go…”
After nodding all that, Samuel disappeared in an instant, taking the baby girl with him.
Gale got up again. This time, Dawn was fully prepared to blow the guy away for good but she knew he wasn’t dumb enough to fall for the same thing again. She could see the shock on his face to see the old man and the child gone. Suddenly, that shock turned to fury and he launched a heavy beam at her but she ducked out of it.
Somehow, the fight continued for a while till Sloane came home and fought too. It was two against one and Gale knew he would lose the fight soon so he retrieved threatening them that he would find the child and kill it. the end of this last sentence sounds a little off. ‘he retrieved threatening them that he would find the child and kill it.’
Dawn was scared; not for herself, but for Erika. She had to protect her and to do that, she had to find Aida first. She knew Aida wasn’t dead because she had sensed the life energy inside her two years ago. Aida had gotten away. She’d known.
“I’m sorry, Sloane comma but we are their guardians and it’s our job to protect all of them. I will have to leave you here with Shang. Take good care of him…” Dawn had said it with watery eyes and a shaky voice. Before Sloane could even object, she was gathering her things so he kept quiet. She was still sobbing quietly and he watched her the whole time, silently standing a few feet away from her. ‘She’s stronger than I thought…’ was all he thought. They hugged each other with sorrowful eyes.
Outside, through the forest, Samuel ran with the child. He knew the place by heart. Old memories flooded through his mind as he came closer to the house Dawn had described. It was exactly on the spot where the mansion had been but what was so special about bringing the child here? He had heard from Aida once that the enlightened child will have the ability to oppose the darkness and destroy its every last remnant by just a touch of its lightning power. ‘Could it be?’ thought the old man, ‘If Erika really is the Enlightened Child, then she might be able to conjure up the old mansion again… if so, then we might actually have a chance against Gale…’
Just as he reached the front steps of the house, he heard a loud roar of thunder and with it he sensed Gale’s anger from miles away. Samuel knew he had to hurry before Gale reached the house. He knocked on the door ferociously, jabbing at the door bell at the same time. Then to his relief, the door was answered by a woman who looked about the same age as Dawn. Samuel handed the baby girl to her, “Take good care of her.” He said and vanished. The woman took the girl inside with a surprised look on her face but just when the girl opened her eyes, they sparkled in a deep blue color. It was almost impossible for the woman to look away from her and she knew she would raise the girl well.
Back inside the forest, Gale’s search continued, “He couldn’t have gone that far…”
“No he hasn’t,” said a female voice which gave a sense of authority. Gale turned, it was Aida, followed by Dawn.
“So I see you’re still alive. I thought you got crushed under the collapsed mansion when I had sent a dark force to destroy it.”this sentence just seemed too long for dialogue.
“You’ve got to do better than that just to kill her.” Dawn spoke confidently while Aida spoke in a different language as she recited a spell. This time her fingers made the symbol of Darkness as she spoke,
“…and I banish thee from all light that shine…”
A light glowed, taking the shape of the symbol of darkness, tracing all the fine curves. The light glowed brighter and brighter as Gale backed away. He could see that the spell was working. The witch was banishing him to the Dark Lands…
“You can be happy while I’m gone but enjoy it all you want because I will return. I promise you that!” And with that, he was gone. He vanished; probably got sent to the Dark Lands where Aida had meant to send him.
Then the two neared the house where the enlightened child was kept.
Aida drew the symbol of Light again and cast the spell of protection over the child.
“She will be safe as long as I am alive,” she told Dawn who nodded great fully. one word- gratefully
“I still want to watch over my little girl. I’ve left Sloane with the responsibility of watching over Shang. I’ll keep visiting him from time to time but I won’t be able to stay at one place for long. Who knows when Gale might escape again…?”
“Alright then,” Aida spoke, “I will give you the key to open the portal which leads to another dimension. You can stay there and watch your children through a globe I will provide you with. I am coming with you. There is nothing for me to do here on Earth, anyway.”
“Right,” Dawn nodded and hugged her, “Thank you… for all your help.” She whispered after which they left.



Hey xP I’ve been planning to check out your story for a while, and I’ve finally done it! I’m so glad I did, this has been the best thing I’ve read in a while. :D I was really surprised at how good it was!

You’ve already gotten a lot of good reviews, so I’m going to do more overall comments x)

I totally love what you did with the prologue. It’s extremely effective. It gives TONS of background (amazing, my dear!), introduces the conflict (Gale, it looks like. And possibly other black dragon keepers), introduces the characters (seriously, good job with this one. Characters are totally something I nitpick at, but yours are so well thought out), and basically gets us all excited for what’s to come. I absolutely love the way you set this up. It might be a bit long for some readers, but I thought it was a good length. I certainly couldn’t find any areas that I didn’t think were necessary. Also, the cliffhanger ending was spectacular. I was never expecting something like that to happen, where the characters fly off and watch the world through a snow globe x) It’s an original idea to my eyes.


I have to emphasize how impressed I am at your attention to detail. The background to each of these characters is very well developed. The plot is wonderfully thought out. You even take us back a few centuries to show us the progression of the world. This is all…. Awesome xD. I love how much thought you put into this.

Ok, so I hope you get how overjoyed I am right now. XP

Alright, now for the spots that can use improvement. I notice your sentence structure can be a bit off at some times. Occasionally I feel like there are run-on sentences, or that you should be adding a comma here and there, or that punctuation should be removed. Just little things like that can make it seem less smooth. And I’ve gone through and corrected most of what I thought was off.

Have you visited the Writing Resource section here on YWS? There are like… goldmines of tips in there. I think if you spent time to read some of the articles there, you would improve as a writer. I know I did! XP

Hm, some of the other reviewers mentioned description. They’re right, there are always places you can go back and refine your words to make them sound better. Here’s a tip I use (if you have MS Word). Every descriptive word you use, punch it into the thesaurus on MSW and read what comes up. Half of the time, I find something in their list that is more awesome than what I had, and it just makes my writing that much richer. Description doesn’t really mean ‘piling on tons of adjectives that sound pretty’. It’s more like finding the one word that fits perfectly. Does that make sense? X) I feel like I’m rambling lol!

Anyways, I hope this was helpful, and I’m really excited to read on in this.

Later!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk



When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
— Walter Lippmann