Metastatic

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Note: I know exactly where my story is going, but not sure what it's going to take to get there, if that makes sense. I know it is going to be a short story. I am intending to submit it as part of my "Senior Portfolio" for a nation scholarship contest type of thing, so I really need advice, tips, suggestions, and the like. Also, in need of a new title. As I continue to add to this, I'd love some help with the title, because this temporary title is just not working for me. Also, I realize the tense/perspective in which I've written this is also a little odd, so if you have an opinion or suggestion/critique, I'd love to hear it. I just decided to try something new and fresh.

She'll start to notice how easily she bruises. She bumped her arm on a heavy door at school. That could cause a bruise, right?

"Jenny, what happened to your arm? That looks horrible!" her mother will ask. She will blow it out of proportion, dwell on it, check on it daily to make sure it's healing.

"It's just a bruise, Mom. I bumped it on a pretty heavy door today at school. I was right behind the door, someone was in a hurry and swung it open; no big deal," she'll explain nonchalantly. But it is a big deal - bigger than anyone can even begin to comprehend.

--------------------


"If everyone would please look at the board!" Mr. Clements will shout. "You'll see that we have a lot to get done today!"

The conversations and socializing will continue. Laughter and random, unimportant banter will almost completely obscure the sound of rain pounding on the roof. Mr. Clements will awkwardly rub the back of his bald head and sigh loudly.

Five seconds later, his hand will meet his desk with enough force to shock each teenager into looking up at the front of the room, at him. "Well, after three weeks of attempting to get the attention of this class, I've finally figured out how." The smug expression on his face will give away his thoughts. Good God,I've finally gotten through to these impossible kids! They're actually scared of me, and I've got to keep it that way.

"So, today we are going to delve into the ever-exciting, thought-provoking world of Emily Bronte," he will say. Rain still beating down on the roof, thunder still heard at an outrageous volume, Mr. Clements will shuffle to his desk and sit down in his swivel chair. He will scroll down his list, calling each student by name: "Emily, Rush, Tiffany, Tia, Hayden..."

Half asleep, but aware that he is taking attendance, Jenny will shift her attention to the monotonous sound of her teacher's voice in an effort to stay awake. Why am I so tired? I went to sleep at eight last night and slept for ten hours straight! What is -"

"Jenny... You are here, aren't you? The appropriate thing to do when someone says your name is to acknowledge that you've heard them in some way." His sarcasm is never-ending.

She will grit her teeth and mumble, "I'm here."

His smile will be awkward, the expression on his face one of arrogance. "Maybe you need to get some more sleep, eh? Stop all of that late night studying?" Between the ridiculously off wink he will give her right after he is done spewing his know-it-all nonsense from his mouth and the fact that the day will have just started, Jenny will wince and slump back to her sleeping position.

"And... Jackson," he will finally say, ending the daunting chore of listening to him take attendance as he struggles to figure out the seemingly magical ways of technology.

My head is going to explode if I don't get out of here. She will try to make it through the day. She had never missed a day of school in her life. Why start now, when the culprit is probably just a flu and a migraine?

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"And that, class, is just a very brief introduction to the work of Emily Bronte." The bell will ring fiercely and startle Jenny awake. "Now, I expect you all to have read up to Chapter Four in 'Wuthering Heights' by tomorrow! Do not disappoint me!" he'll shout over the shuffling and talking of each student exiting his class, plowing through each other to get to the door.

"Jennifer?" Mr. Clements will start. "You should really start to get some more sleep. I know it's hard to stay awake and focused when you're not interested in the subject at hand, but -"

"Look, I actually am interested in this subject." She'll pick her backpack up from the floor and swing it over one shoulder. "'Wuthering Heights' is one of my favorite books, believe it or not." She will pick up her two textbooks and rest them in the crook of her right arm. "In fact, I especially like her poem, 'No Coward Soul Is Mine,'" she'll add, in an attempt to add some validity to her statement.

Mr. Clements will cross his arms and feign defeat. He will simply stare in awe as Jenny strides out of his classroom, a stunned look still stuck to his face, as if permanently glued there.
Tom Riddle: "You read my diary?"
Harry Potter: "At first, I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book."




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I still don't get the title, probably coz I'm low on vocab- nehu.
That could cause a bruise, right?will this be would, or is it a thought?
shock each teenager into looking up at the front of the roomi DON'T KNOW what u should do, but change this arrangement of words or manner of saying this, it sounds out of place( like I put something into your amazing personal flow.
"Well, after three weeks of attempting to get the attention of this class, I've finally figured out how."He said this to his class right? (that's y it's in quotations), but it sounds more like a thought
"Look, I actually am interested in this subject." She'll pick her backpack up from the floor and swing it over one shoulder. "'Wuthering Heights' is one of my favorite books, believe it or not." She will pick up her two textbooks and rest them in the crook of her right arm. "In fact, I especially like her poem, 'No Coward Soul Is Mine,'" she'll add, in an attempt to add some validity to her statement.What Jen says here just sounds so unnatural, her attitude is ambiguous.
Overall, I like the newness in your plot and writing style, grammar and punctuation great.
"The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it
regularly went cuckoo."
-- Terry Pratchett, "Wyrd Sisters"




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I agree about the title - you should scrap it. As for suggestions, I'd have to see where the story goes. Personally, I always add the title last, after the story's finished. That way, the story doesn't become more than the title as I'm writing it,if that makes sense.

I figure you're going to fit the first part of your story in with the rest. Right now I'm still curious to see where you're going with the beginning part about the bruising.

"rain pounding on the roof." -- Use a word other than pounding to describe the rain if it's being droned out by the children's voices.

"thunder still heard at an outrageous volume" -- Thunder usually is loud, so perhaps a word other than outrageous could be used to describe it. And maybe rewrite the sentence so it's not in the passive. Make the thunder own its rumblings :)

"Mr. Clements will cross his arms and feign defeat. He will simply stare in awe as Jenny strides out of his classroom, a stunned look still stuck to his face, as if permanently glued there." -- I would change the first sentence or get rid of it altogether. Why is he "feigning defeat" if he's actually surprised by her knowledge? He shouldn't be snarky here.

"'And... Jackson," he will finally say, ending the daunting chore of listening to him take attendance as he struggles to figure out the seemingly magical ways of technology." What is Mr. Clements doing at the end of this sentence? The end of this line is too ambiguous.. He's obviously fulfilling the teacher stereotype of being bad with technology, but you state and really don't show it here. Show, don't tell.

Overall, a good little piece. Interested to see where the story goes in the end :)




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So, this was good. The writing style was pretty interesting and unique, even if it felt odd to my brain--I sort of had to keep rereading certain sentences and such. However, I liked it.

Yet, I have the feeling that this will go in a general way--girl has abusive boyfriend/male figure in life, lies to protect him for reasons unknown, and is a hidden genius. It's sort of two tropes, really--cliches, almost. Now, if she moonlights as a gladiator fighter or alligator wrangler, I might be surprised, but . . .

Anyway, I can't wait to see where this goes and I agree with the people above. Some of that stuff should be fixed up; dialogue most importantly.
My SPD senses are tingling.




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Thanks, everybody! :D

P.S. Cspr, it's not about an abusive boyfriend/male figure. ;D Muahahaha!
Tom Riddle: "You read my diary?"
Harry Potter: "At first, I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book."



Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
— Mark Twain