Man

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1100
Reviews 15
Image


He cradled the bag in hand,
Glazed stare under a hats brow,
Alone.

Fingers wizened, body slouched,
It all speaks of a heart on its
Own.

But, comes by the wife of decades
Gone by, a shared life, a shared
Soul.

A smile grows in eyes and lips,
Unity restored, time bears no
Toll.


Spoiler
I wrote this a while ago, in a matter of minutes while out in town. I just saw this elderly chap sitting around, started writing about him. By the third stanza his wife turned up, so it all fell into place pretty well.
thatGHANhype
Many music articles/interviews/reviews of mine.
-----
Migraine Mixes
DJ sets/mixes I've being doing at parties/studio at home.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8572
Reviews 424
Hellåå!
This was really quite wonderful to read! It flowed so very well, it was short but powerful and yet it created vivid pictures! I liked it, and I liked it alot! No complaints at all, could fine no grammatic errors, I loved the structure, the rythm and flow was, as mentioned great!

SO... that leaves this: 4/5 icky, sticky spiders to you!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1778
Reviews 70
Hiyaa, the names Wisp.
As Demoness had the gall to say this was a wonderful read and it did flow very nicely. I enjoyed reading it, the whole thing was well done and I enjoyed the fact that it was about an elderly man and his wife. To me this screams; love knows no bounds, it does not stop as you grow older; love remains young.
So, I have very little to comment on this - you didn't leave us much to work with considering. I do beleive your a very good poet and I hope to read more of your work soon, so congratulations.

Write on,
~Writteninstone [Wisp]
To fly away on gossamer wings, sheer as night's reflective glow, I would could I cradle child hecate to my breast.

|| Wisp. ||




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1846
Reviews 27
It reminds me a little of the short story I have in my portfolio minus the happy ending and the poetry format.

I like this, very evocative, the picture is a great touch to help those who have trouble visualising lol

Plus anyone who uses the word wizened will always have my vote.

I can't offer much in the way of criticism as there is nothing I think should be changed.

Well done!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3528
Reviews 94
Nice, reminds me of some of my own writing. Granted, your spontaneity seems to be at a higher level than mine.

Anyway... I have nothing negative to say about this, but I do think you could extend it!
After your last stanza here, why not have the narrator muse about the hypothetical past of this man on the bench, extrapolating Sherlock Holmes-style from the various clues in the man's appearance? Would be a great way to extend this poem and have some clever fun (which writers like by default, I hope).

Regardless, great story poem, keep writing!
Formerly 'ilyaeelz.' Others experiment with drugs. I experiment with punctuation and grammar.

"Research your own experiences for the truth, absorb what is useful, reject what is useless, add what is specifically your own." - Bruce Lee




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 2647
Reviews 313
Beautiful =] This is fantastic. I love how simple it is, and the way you set it up is phenomenal. No criticism. Which doesn't help at all, haha. But its just.. I love it =] Great job =]
TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)



I *do* like flipping tables.
— Faye Whitaker, Questionable Content