Clique Breaker:Chapter Eight

I wasn't much of a party goer or a school dance attendee but today I was excited to go to the ball. I know I said that I wasn't so interested in boys but Marcus managed to be an exception. If this was back in New York, my father would deny me the right to ever go to the dance with a boy. He would actually chaperon the dance if he was pushed to do it. Here in Charon, my mother was different.

"Is he cute? Is he smart? Does he make you laugh?" she asked, all in one breath

I looked away from her and stared at the floor, blushing. "He's...nice"

"You are holding details from me Jay. I want to know everything. I am your mother"

I scoffed at this. Not every teenage girl tells their mother everything. There are some things that are better left forgotten and not shared. But this was about a boy and she had me cornered.

" Now....does he has his future planned out? " For once, I could see something that both my parents shared.

"I'm very sure he does, mom. He is president of the debate team by the way,"

She smiled and then stopped " Is he geeky?'

"Oh dear God. Not at all, " I managed to say, laughing

We were in my room and she was curling my hair. "I'm just asking, Jay. Besides...geeky looks cool now a days. I notice that you guys are wearing those huge glasses and suspenders and whatnot,"

I rolled my eyes, smiling. I loved listening to her. Even though my mom left my dad and I, I couldn't hold any grudges against her. I mean, I never knew who she was and my dad warned me before I left.

"Jay, I know she left but please. Don't have any hatred towards her. The right thing to do will be to forgive her and try to build a relationship" That was my dad. Such the pacifist. And he was right.....I had to build a relationship with my mother. Over the past few months, she has become a close friend.

"Okay....your hair is done. When is Skye and Marcus coming here?"

I picked up my cellphone and dropped it. ''In a few minutes!!"

I ran to my closet and hastily put on my dress. It was blue and strapless. The torso was made out of silk and fit my body well. The bottom was like blue cotton candy, laying just above my knees. My mom helped me with my make-up as I put on my accessories and shoes. The doorbell rang.

"I got it. Finish your blush and chew on this gum," my mom advised, leaving my room to answer the door "Hi, you must be Marcus. Jay will be down here in a few minutes,"

I took a final look at the mirror and spit out the gum in the trash bin. Giving myself a thumbs-up, I left my room to go down the stairs.

"Who's that sexy chick?" Skye commented, as I ascended down the stairs

I smiled widely and started to blush when I noticed Marcus's amazement. "You....look.....pretty-well better than pretty. You look beautiful. Yeah beautiful. That's the word. I mean....wow, "

I laughed until my mom appeared out of nowhere with the metal detector. "See, I was a teenager once and even back then, I knew not to trust boys and I never stopped until I met Jay's father of course but I still have my standards."

Daniel looked frightened when my mom came near with the metal detector. I assumed it was because he was freaked out but he looked like he was hiding something.

"Mom, I really don't think you need to do so. We're going to be late,"

She looked at me and Skye "I trust you girls, "

Skye and I both nodded. After taking pictures and leaving my sobbing mother remarking on how her daughter is growing up-embarrassing-we finally left for the winter ball. As we rode in Marcus's car, I was noticing that my eagerness was actually fear. Fear for what was going to happen at this ball.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Skye and Daniel ran into the building but Marcus urged me to stay.

"Aren't you going to park the car?" I asked

He gave me a crooked smile and played with his keys. "I wanted to take you somewhere.....somewhere special"

I looked at him suspiciously. What was he really trying to do here? "Trust me. It's somewhere very special,"

I got back in the car and gestured for him to start driving. I could tell by his hands that he was very excited to bring me to this place. Was it positive excitement?

We got to this secluded park. It was snowing which made it look even more enchanting. I was starting to regret wearing such a short dress with light stockings while we walked to a hill in the far back of the park. On the hill were stairs with a roof on top.

"Close your eyes, " He was right behind me and he whispered this, making the hairs on my neck stand right up.

I closed my eyes and held his hand, as he walked me up the stairs. I couldn't feel the snow on my shoulders meaning we were under the roof. He put his hands over my eyes and led me to another part of the hill.

"Okay.....open your eyes,"

One of my biggest fears was heights and I was starting to conclude that this was more of a mountain than a hill. I could see all of the park which resembled a winter wonderland.

"This....is my castle and for today, you are my queen,"

My cheeks were hot enough to melt a quarter of this snow. I hugged him tightly and we stayed like that with his heartbeat pounding in my ears. I started to hear music coming from another hill. The violin rang all throughout the park and I started to sway to the music. I felt like the princesses that danced in the great ball room with their prince charming in those Disney movies. The music rang in my ears and took possession of my body making me feel things I never felt before. I guess you could say, I felt like I was in love. He rested his head on my hair and I could hear his rapid heartbeat which matched mine. He was holding me tight, as if he was afraid that if he let go, that I would disappear. If it was so, I felt exactly the same way.

I looked up at him and smiled "This is amazing. Thank you, "

"Your welcome," he said, looking back down. Our noses started to touch. Here we were, two teenagers in the freezing cold; it's good to be young. An urge grew over me and I could see it in his eyes too.

"Jay, I..." his voice started to fade as we each grew closer

This was the moment. I wonder how things were going to go from-

Bells started to ring; it was his cellphone

"Hello....Skye don't worry. We will be right there," I could hear Skye's sarcastic tone on the other line " Oh nothing. Just talking. Yep. Give us a few minutes,"

He shut off his phone and looked back to look at me, but I already made it towards the stairs.

"Where are you going?" he asked

I shook my head, not looking at him. "We better get back to the dance. It's getting late,"

"What about-"

"Marcus....I want to get to the dance please. I don't want you wasting your money,"

It was a quiet ride back to the school and I avoided eye contact. How I wished we weren't interrupted just to see what would happen, but I didn't want to enforce it because I didn't want to look desperate.

By the time we got to the school, they were announcing Snow King and Queen. Skye looked at us skeptically.

"What took you guys so long?" she asked us

We both avoided eye contact with her and she rolled her eyes. I saw Daniel talking with Tyrone. They were laughing but to me, it wasn't some ordinary joke. They were planning something.

Our school principal, Mrs. Wexler, went onstage and took the mic. "Now it's time to announce our Snow King and Queen,"

The music was put at a low volume and the room grew quiet. "Our Snow King is..." she took a letter from a student council member and opened it " Tyrone Wilkins,"

The last name hit me. Jerome had a brother? It could be a coincidence

Tyrone was cheered on while he walked onstage and took his crown.

"Now to announce our Snow Queen," The room grew quiet again and everyone stared, anxiously.

"I hope it's not you," Marcus whispered

"Oh how nice," I replied, sarcastically

"I have my reasons," and then he held my hand "Plus....you're my queen and I'm not so good with sharing,"

"Well I'm glad you weren't Snow King because...neither am I," We squeezed each other's hands.

"Can you guys stop flirting. Making me sick," Skye scolded, in a whisper, shaking her head "Marky is in love,"

I started to laugh but stopped when Daniel finally reappeared and stood next to Skye. What was he doing all this time?

"Okay....our Snow Queen is....Skye Williams,"

Skye and I looked at each other in surprise and we hugged, squealing. She walked to the stage and that's when I saw the rope and the buckets filled with mud and feathers and other objects. Tyrone held the crown and which had a string attached to it. I ran through the crowd and while I ran I saw Kathleen. She wore a mischievousness smile. This was her doing.

"You're going to regret doing this Jay. So you better take that back right now!" The warning rang through my head. This had got be the most immature thing someone has ever done. Before I could make it to the stage, Skye had on the crown.

"AHHHHHH!!!!!!"

All hell broke loose.

Spoiler

Ok....I'm not going to take all the credit for some parts of my story. I was inspired with the part of the park when I read azntwinz2's novel On Top of Starry Hillso if you're reading this aznt, that part was all you. The violin part was from theLockedLibrary's story The Street Corner Symphony and I didn't go into complete detail with the violin because I'm not as good as her but I had to include it.This is my favorite chapter so far so please please please give me some good reviews in order to make this a lot more better.

I wasn't much of a party goer or a school dance attendee but today I was excited to go to the ball. I know I said that I wasn't so interested in boys but Marcus managed to be an exception. If this was back in New York, my father would deny me the right to ever go to the dance with a boy. He would actually chaperon the dance if he was pushed to do it. Here in Charon, my mother was different.

"Is he cute? Is he smart? Does he make you laugh?" she asked, all in one breath.

I looked away from her and stared at the floor, blushing. "He's...nice,"

"You are holding details from me Jay. I want to know everything. I am your mother."

I scoffed at this. Not every teenage girl tells their mother everything. There are some things that are better left forgotten and not shared. But this was about a boy and she had me cornered.

"Now....does he has his future planned out? " For once, I could see something that both my parents shared.

"I'm very sure he does, mom. He is president of the debate team by the way,"

She smiled and then stopped "Is he geeky?'

"Oh dear God. Not at all!" I managed to say, laughing.

We were in my room and she was curling my hair. "I'm just asking, Jay. Besides...geeky looks cool now a days. I notice that you guys are wearing those huge glasses and suspenders and whatnot,"

I rolled my eyes, smiling. I loved listening to her. Even though my mom left my dad and I, I couldn't hold any grudges against her. I mean, I never knew who she was and my dad warned me before I left.

"Jay, I know she left but please. Don't have any hatred towards her. The right thing to do will be to forgive her and try to build a relationship," That was my dad. Such the pacifist. And he was right.....I had to build a relationship with my mother. Over the past few months, she became a close friend to me. has become a close friend

"Okay....your hair is done. When is Skye and Marcus coming here?"

I picked up my cellphone and dropped it. ' "In a few minutes!!"

I ran to my closet and hastily put on my dress. It was a strapless blue dress. It was blue and strapless.The torso was made out of silk and fit my body well. The bottom was like blue cotton candy as it ascended lay just above my knees. My mom helped me with my make-up as I put on my accessories and shoes. The doorbell rang.

"I got it. Finish your blush and chew on this gum," my mom advised, leaving my room to answer the door. "Hi, you must be Marcus. Jay will be down here in a few minutes,"

I took a final look at the mirror and spit out the gum in the trash bin. Giving myself a thumbs-up, I left my room to go down the stairs.

"Who's that sexy chick?" Skye commented, as I ascended down the stairs.

I smiled widely and started to blush when I noticed Marcus's amazement. "You....look.....pretty... well better than pretty. You look beautiful. Yeah beautiful. That's the word. I mean....wow"

I laughed until my mom appeared out of nowhere with the metal detector. "See, I was a teenager once and even back then, I knew not to trust boys and I never stopped until I met Jay's father of course but I still have my standards."

Daniel looked frightened when my mom came near with the metal detector. I assumed it was because he was freaked out but he looked like he was hiding something.

"Mom, I really don't think you need to do so. We're going to be late,"

She looked at me and Skye "I trust you girls," "

Skye and I both nodded. After taking pictures and leaving my sobbing mother remarking on how her daughter is growing up-embarrassing-we finally left for the winter ball. As we rode in Marcus's car, I was noticing that my eagerness was actually fear. Fear for what was going to happen at this ball.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Skye and Daniel ran into the building but Marcus urged me to stay.

"Aren't you going to park the car?" I asked

He gave me a crooked smile and played with his keys. "I wanted to bring (take?) you somewhere.....somewhere special"

I looked at him suspiciously. What was he really trying to do here? "Trust me. It's somewhere very special,"

I got back in the car and gestured for him to start driving. I could tell by his hands that he was very excited to bring me to this place. Was it positive excitement?

We got to this secluded park. It was snowing which made it look even more enchanting. I was starting to regret wearing such a short dress with light stockings while we walked to a hill in the far back of the park. On the hill were stairs with a roof on top.

"Close your eyes," He was right behind me and he whispered this, making the hairs on my neck stand right up.

I closed my eyes and held his hand, as he walked me up the stairs. I couldn't feel the snow on my shoulders meaning we were under the roof. He put his hands over my eyes and led me to another part of the hill.

"Okay.....open your eyes,"

One of my biggest fears was heights and I was starting to conclude that this was more of a mountain than a hill. I could see all of the park which resembled a winter wonderland.

"This....is my castle and for today, you are my queen," "

My cheeks were hot enough to melt a quarter of this snow. I hugged him tightly and we stayed like that with his heartbeat pounding in my ears. I started to hear music coming from another hill. The violin rang all throughout the park and I started to sway to the music. I felt like the princesses that danced in the great ball room with their prince charming in those Disney movies. The music rang in my ears and took possession of my body making me feel things I never felt before. I guess you could say, I felt like I was in love. He rested his head on my hair and I could hear his rapid heartbeat which matched mine. He was holding me tight, as if he was afraid that if he let go, that I would disappear. If it was so, I felt exactly the same way.

I looked up at him and smiled "This is amazing. Thank you,"

"Your welcome," he said, looking back down. Our noses started to touch. Here we were, two teenagers in the freezing cold; it's good to be young. An urge grew over me and I could see it in his eyes too.

"Jay, I..." his voice started to fade as we each grew closer

This was the moment. I wonder how things were going to go from-

Bells started to ring; it was his cellphone.

"Hello....Skye don't worry. We will be right there." I could hear Skye's sarcastic tone on the other line "Oh nothing. Just talking. Yep. Give us a few minutes"

He shut off his phone and looked back to look at me, but I already made it towards the stairs.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

I shook my head, not looking at him. "We better get back to the dance. It's getting late"

"What about-"

"Marcus....I want to get to the dance please. I don't want you wasting your money,"

It was a quiet ride back to the school and I avoided eye contact. How I wished we weren't interrupted just to see what would happen, but I didn't want to enforce it because I didn't want to look desperate.

By the time we got to the school, they were announcing Snow King and Queen. Skye looked at us skeptically.

"What took you guys so long?" she asked us.

We both avoided eye contact with her and she rolled her eyes. I saw Daniel talking with Tyrone. They were laughing but to me, it wasn't some ordinary joke. They were planning something.

Our school principal, Mrs. Wexler, went onstage and took the mic. "Now it's time to announce our Snow King and Queen!"

The music was put at a low volume and the room grew quiet. "Our Snow King is..." she took a letter from a student council member and opened it "Tyrone Wilkins,"

The last name hit me. Jerome had a brother? It could be a coincidence

Tyrone was cheered on while he walked onstage and took his crown.

"Now to announce our Snow Queen." The room grew quiet again and everyone stared, anxiously.

"I hope it's not you," Marcus whispered.

"Oh how nice," I replied, sarcastically.

"I have my reasons," and then he held my hand "Plus....you're my queen and I'm not so good with sharing,"

"Well I'm glad you weren't Snow King because...neither am I," We squeezed each other's hands.

"Can you guys stop flirting. Making me sick," Skye scolded, in a whisper, shaking her head "Marky is in love,"

I started to laugh but stopped when Daniel finally reappeared and stood next to Skye. What was he doing all this time?

"Okay....our Snow Queen is....Skye Williams,"

Skye and I looked at each other in surprise and we hugged, squealing. She walked to the stage and that's when I saw the rope and the buckets filled with mud and feathers and other objects. Tyrone held the crown and which had a string attached to it. I ran through the crowd and while I ran I saw Kathleen. She wore a mischievousness smile. This was her doing.

"You're going to regret doing this Jay. So you better take that back right now!" The warning rang through my head. This had got be the most immature thing someone has ever done. Before I could make it to the stage, Skye had on the crown.

"AHHHHHH!!!!!!"

All hell broke loose.

Nice ending.

I think you need to improve your grammar and speech, other wise it was good. Your grammar brough it down, so polish it up and it would be great.

Thanks....I made minor changes to the chapter.

Hey AngelKnight! (I like that name by the way.)

This is a really cute piece! I haven't read the other chapters but by the end of this one I still felt like I knew the characters pretty well. Nice work! I also liked that little twist at the end.

Punctuation...
In like we naturally make pauses, we hesitate or stumble over our words, or sometimes just take time to think. In this piece there are a lot of ...'s. In writing you don't need so many of them because you can get your characters to say things right the first time round. If you really need the pause in there, like if you purposely want your character to hesitate, then you can increase drama and tension by throwing in a bit of description instead.

I'll use this line as an example:
" " Now....does he has his future planned out? " For once, I could see something that both my parents shared. " - What is the purpose of this pause? If it's just a natural pause that she would make while speaking then a commar would do. If she is debating whether to ask the question then write this in, instead of the dots.

On the topic of punctuation it's a general rule not to use too many. There are always three dots in '...' Exclaimation marks are to exclaim, if you feel the need to use more than one then it probably means your dialogue isn't making the point loud enough, so change that instead of adding another one.

Overall this is a great piece, just those few little punctuation issues that need to be tidied up. Like I said, I didn't read the other chapters but I still felt like I knew your characters well, and that is a great skill for you to have. It means you are keeping your characters alive and vivid through the whole story, not just their introductions.

Keep up the good work!