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There is a morning, a single morning in someone's life that will challenge and change their existence. For one person, it could be the news that their 16 year old girlfriend is pregnant, or perhaps, that their husband is leaving them. It could be anything under the sun. But, for Thom, it wasn't any of these things, why would it be? He was a 17 year old boy, who's morning would be as average and as usual as every other morning, which he expected when he awoke at 7:30 that day. So, with a heavy heart, he rose from under the covers, groped blindly for the snooze button, and waited for the room to focus. Ennunciating his lack of enthusiasm for the forthcoming day, he heaved a sigh, and unwillingly left his bed, to begin his pathetic attempt at a morning routine. There were 3 usual stages to this routine; the first stage always being the hardest, as it was the "waking up" stage. It's hard for most people to wake up early, but especially so when the person is dreading the days events. Most teenages would say that they hated getting up for school, for a variety of reasons - it could be a maths test, a school bully, or teachers they disliked. But their salvation usually came in the form of friends, whether there was one best friend, or ten average friends, they would have someone to lighten up their day. For Thom, the problem wasn't bullies, tests or teachers. The problem was his best friend, Heather. She, according to Thom, was the most beautiful, kind, intelligent, funny, compassionate, and trustworthy person he had ever had the priviledge to know. Yet, he dreaded her company, because everytime he was with her, he fell even more hopelessly and helplessly in love with her. He accepted this fact, like he had every day, and continued to eat his Cheerios. His thoughts had carried him to the kitchen, where he had helped himself to cereal and orange juice, and had took them to the countertop, standing up to eat, like he did every other morning. Janet, his mother, had bought him Cheerios, because she thought "they will make your morning a happier one, love", but instead of this supposed cheer the cereal was meant to bring, he became more downtrodden as three elusive Cheerios failed to stay on his spoon as he tried to finish his breakfast. Draining the orange juice, he put both bowl and glass in the sink, and began the next step.

The "getting ready" was never a challenge for him - his wardrobe consisted of hoodies and jeans, so picking out his outfit was never hard work. There was no uniform, or any kind of dress code at Southlands High School, which was unusual for schools in England, but his Headteacher had convinced the board of governers that encouraging the creativity of his pupils would definitely raise the exam results. The only thing that no uniform has raised is the rate of bullying, which Headteacher Nichols never really payed attention to. Thom supposed, if he did, he'd probably get several appendages removed by Trevor Chiles, the school hard-man, who, Thom was sure, kept illegal weapons in his bag. But this didn't bother Thom, who had just opened his wardrobe to pull on a grey hoodie and black jeans. Once he had gotten dressed and washed, he shot another glance at the clock next to his bed, and realising the time, ran a brush through his hair at lightening speed, snatched up his bag, and with key in hand, took the stairs two at a time, shouting a goodbye to his parents as he went. He unlocked the door, and not even shutting it, sped off down the road, his satchel banging painfully against his back as he ran. He reached the train station with seconds to spare, bought a ticket, and raced down the ramp, hopped on the waiting train, and sat down, breathing heavily. Looking up, he saw several passengers staring at him intently. Thom gazed out the window, trying to ignore the looks from the people surrounding him, and slowly, but surely, the train pulled away from the station.

The setting blurred as the train gathered speed, so, having nothing else to focus on, he let his mind wander where it always did - Heather. He thought about a time, years before he was concious of her physically, when they were young and just friends. They were playing in her back garden with her dog, pebbles, who now, was on his last legs. Back then, he was an excitable, hyperactive puppy, who took all day to tire out. They spent an entire summers day doing so, and when it began to rain, as it did inevitably everyday, they went inside, for Heathers favourite meal, Pizza and Chips. Thom hated Pizza, yet something in the back of his mind, even then, told him to eat it, to keep her sweet. Though not eating a certain food wouldn't even touch his friendship with Heather, he was careful not to rock the boat about anything, even then. He was brought violently back to reality when a loud buzzing noise shattered the images in his head, A voice echoed throughout the carriages "Southlands Station". Automatically, he stood up, and exited the train, all the while trying to rebuild the images that were so recently shattered, trying to rebuild the images in which he felt safe, protected. Before he could sink back into his memories he caught sight of the High School, and every childhood memory, every happy memory escaped his grasp, and he trudged forwards until he was opposite the School, where he was frozen with nerves like every other morning. He swallowed them, and began to ascend the steps to the Car Park, where Heather would no doubt be waiting. Surely, you'd think Thom would be happy that the girl of his dreams was waiting for him, but in fact, the total opposite happened. When he caught sight of her long blonde hair swishing in the slight breeze, a stabbing sensation occured in the pit of his stomach, like every other morning, yet he was still unprepared for it. Her sparkling blue eyes met his green ones, and every thought he'd had that morning was wiped from his memory. He stood there, until she came over to greet him. "Hey, Thom!" was her usual greeting, her voice filled with happiness. "Hey, Hev", he murmured, dazed, and they walked toward the grounds together, as the morning bell rang.
Last edited by pigfartsisonmars on Sat Aug 13, 2011 5:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hi there! Welcome to YWS and congrats on your first post!

This is a good start and it seems like it will be an interesting novel. You developed Thom very well and you did a good job describing his relationship with his best friend, Heather. I could be wrong, but I don't think you told us what Thom or Heather looked like. Maybe you could describe what about Heather Thom liked the most. Did he like her long black hair, her short blonde hair, her green eyes, or were her eyes a light shade of blue?

There are a few spelling mistakes in this, but they seem like the normal mistakes you get when typing up something. I am really not that good at grammer, but it doesn't seem like there are any grammer mistakes. I think you may have had a few run-on sentences, but overall it was good.

This is a great start and a strong first post. PM me if you have any questions about anything! Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

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Hey, and welcome to YWS!!! I'm a newbie around here too, so it will take a little getting used to, but you'll love it here. :) First off, I'm going to say that I love your writing! This piece has a lot of great descriptions from everything that's going on around this guy and everything that he's thinking about. It has a lot of clarity, which I like, and I never didn't know what was going on or was confused about anything throughout the whole thing. There was just one thing that I had a problem with and that was the run-on sentences. At first I didn't really notice it at all, but towards the end it was almost torturous to read because there were so many commas! For example...
Before he could sink back into his memories, he caught sight of the High School, and every childhood memory, every happy memory, escaped his grasp, and he trudged forwards, until he was opposite the School, where he was frozen with nerves, like every other morning.

This sentence especially was bad with the commas. There are only a few chunks of this where there are more than just a few words between commas. I can't imagine trying to read this out loud because you would probably get dizzy from having to pause and take so many breaths. I found this to be the case a lot, especially towards the end of the piece. It's like it gets harder to follow, because there's hardly anything for your mind to really grasp onto and soak in.
But like I said, besides the run-on sentences, this story was great! It hooks me from the beginning and really gets me wanting to know this guy and what's going on in his life. Like he's really alive.
Anyway, I hope this review helped and I hope to see more of your writings in the future!
Dee




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Hello.

someones life that will be life changing.


There are two problems with this phrase. Firstly, "someone's" should have an apostrophe. (No wonder people just use the mark...) Secondly, repeating the word "life" doesn't help the sentence. Perhaps "a life-changing moment" would be better?

For one person, it could be the news that their 16 year old girlfriend is pregnant, or perhaps, that their husband is leaving them.


Both examples seem unlikely for Thom.

Pathetic though it was, it was a routine nonetheless.


This sentence can be deleted; we already heard that he has a pathetic routine.

I'd advise you to shorten up the first paragraph. You could have one for each of his three steps.
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques




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Amazing start. Though, I think you could add a bit more detail to Heather's character. Like how she looked, what Thom liked the most about her and so on. You've described Thom very well. You could tell the readers about he looks too, though. Otherwise, nice start to the novel! Looking forward to the next chapter.



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