The Beginnings of a Madman

Please enjoy! Rated 12 for some language.

**********************************
"Marcus, sweetie, come back here please," Nara walked towards the water following after Marcus.

"Mother, I just wanted to sit by the water," said Marcus sitting in the sand, "like Kara, and Kyle."

"I've told you before I can't leave you alone. When your older sweetie."

"Mother I am old enough. I'm not stupid. Please can't I just sit here? I won't go in, I promise."

"Fine dear," Nara looked out to sea and then looked down the shore, "Kara, watch your brother."

"Yes mom." Kara ran down the beach towards the two. Nara started up the beach and then waded through the thick grass. Marcus looked at the slender form of his sister approaching.

"Why you looking at me like I'm Nama," Kara stood over Marcus. The two peered blankly at each other. Kara's dress blew in the calm wind. Marcus stared up at her, his greyish brown eyes barely shining in the sun.

"I don't like her I said it before!" Marcus said kicking sand into the water.

"Why? You guys are cute together." Kara sat down next to him in the sand. She rustled his thick hair. "You make a good couple," she chuckled.

"No we don't," said Marcus making a face.

"Well maybe your right. Your too cute for her anyways." Kara smiled and put her arm on his tiny shoulders. She could tell already he was going to grow like Kyle. Kara was quite the off one in the family. She was smart, but not good for much as the islanders saw.

Maybe you’re going to be like me instead, but it seems so unlikely...

The two stared out, the sun making the warm ocean water gleam. Kara pushed her legs forward in the sand, into the water.

"Did Mom and Dad tell you about the move yet? To America?" asked Kara, still staring out.

"Yeah. I can't wait."
***

The computer screens reflected on his glasses. His hair covered his forehead and went about in almost every other way in a frantic mess. The mouse clicking, the snow falling gently outside. The bed was behind the boy and the door and window on either side of him. In front of him a desk covered the with of the wall and three monitors sat atop it. A bookshelf was tucked neatly in the corner. On one screen he was instant messaging Sarah, and that screen probably took most of his attention.

He typed away for hours, and ended the day debugging his text application.

***

Three boys sat on the bleachers. A cold spring rain sprinkled down from the sky. They looked towards the clouds.

"Good going getting us stuck out in the rain." said the first boy

"Well how the hell was I supposed to know it was gonna rain?" laughed the second one.

The unruly thick black hair of the third boy poked out from his hood providing him some extra protection.

"I think blow over soon" said the black-haired boy.

"You think?" said the first boy.

"Yeah."

"How'd you people say it? Vckk reth?" said the second boy.

"Ves." said the one with a smile of satisfaction.

"Now don't go talking like that for me." said the first.

"Yeah, I agree!" said the second.

"We race? Ves? It look like the rain stopping!" said black-hair.

"Sure! Where? I'm bored as fuck out here, haha!"

"I'm gonna watch this one," said the second.

Black-hair ripped his jacket off and started off down the bleachers. The other two laughed and the first boy ran after him. The rain finished its course for the day. Black-hair vaulted a rail and danced down the last few rows. His agile body moved without flaw and landed on the side-walk adjacent the field. The second boy was somewhat behind, and instead of following with the "fancy footwork," he later reffered to it as, he simply turned down the stairs. He caught himself from a fall while switching directions, but failed to catch himself on the last step.

He slipped on the wet metal and fell face first onto the concrete. Black-hair made an attempt to catch him, but also failed. "Hey!" called black-hair to the by standing boy.

"I think I'm okay."

"We need go to hospital?" asked black-hair. He picked up number one's glasses. "Your glasses be broke. Glad I have no more! Haha, right?"

"No I don't think so... and heh ... ah... fuck this hurts." He sat up against the bleachers. They remained there for most of the day. His nose bled, but in the end he was fine.
***
Some say silence is nice. I've come to hate it. She was the only person that cared, and the only person that knew. Everyone looked at us like we were crazy. She wasn't a good teacher, and I think God wanted it that way. I learned better on my own anyways.

"Hev. How vov dothg?" said the Girl.

"Good." said I.

"Ere ihthgt ehv beiier?"

"Hoi reelalav. Evervohe titlala laookt ei ae wetrd."

"What the fuck is that bitch saying to that loser?" said a boy down the lunch table.

"Why do you give a fuck so much? She's not even hot." The boy hit the other one on the back.

"You kidding me? Check her out."

"She's not your type anyways. Even if you think she’s hot, she'd never want you. It's not like you've never failed a class." he laughed.

"Hey. Don't be like that!" laughed the other.
***

Every single day. They talk. I don't understand them. Is it good, is it bad? She never tells me. I don't know if I want to know either. Th God T irvti.
***

A well-built, about average height boy was walking down the hall. It was after school. A pretty girl was crying in the corner. He looked through his glasses at her. Her short blonde hair was highlighted in a vibrant red. The hall lights shined slightly on them. The boy sat down next to her. He set his bag against the locker.

"Go away. Be like the rest of them. That's what they always do in the end."

The boy just stared back, sitting quietly.

"Will. He's a fucking whore. Why? Why me?

"Tell me why? Please? Oh..." the girl kept weeping. The boy kept listening. An hour went by.

"Why you just sitting there? Your wonderful. Whoever gets you is lucky. Nobody I've ever known has listened like you." She was still crying, but gently now.

The boy slid over and hugged her.

"Thank you. But go, you shouldn't have to see me like this. This isn't right. Please I just want to be alone."

The boy sat for a few more minutes, but after a few more pleas he finally went.

That kid amazed me. He just sat there and listened. I've never seen him before. And I don't ever think I've seen him again.
***

"Freedom. That's what we need. This country's going nowhere. I've lived through a lot. I've thought a lot. I've had plenty of time for that. Now it's time for action.

"A society built by the people from the ground up. Not from the top down.

"I know in all my life I've never met a person with an idea that was a waste of time.

"And I, sure as Heaven and Hell and, know this isn't a waste of time."

"I've been behind you all this time. Nothing’s changed."

*******************************************************************************************************************
Even if I don't keep this as the exact parts and such, this really is a good overview and has probably help set the characters better than I could have ever imagined. But, I will note: I just wrote this, so of course I think it's good. But in the meantime while I take a think-break from this piece, please give me your thoughts! And I've put a spoiler below on some things I have questions about for you guys! And, if you liked, please like!

Spoiler

How have you guys built the characters? As much as you guys can, could you explain to me what you got? :3 The Character development was the major part of this.

What themes and interest levels have you guys gotten? Is it interesting at all? Is it deep and meaningful? Have I made you feel things? That is really important to me!

So these two things were just to help you guys think and to help me in the end I guess.

Thanks for reviews in advance and thank you for reading!
--Skis

I think I'll start by nit-picking a little. I know it can be annoying but it will help you improve! Then I'll proceed to give you my own opinions on it.


A few lost bits of punctuation you have here!

"Yes mom." Kara ran down

You need a comma here, after 'Yes'.

"I don't like her I said it before!" Marcus said kicking sand into the water.

You also need a comma here, between 'her' and 'I' but also between 'said' and 'Kicking'.

Maybe you’re going to be like me instead, but it seems so unlikely...

Change view points, who is 'me'? It was written in thrid person so it must stay like that. If you want to show us someone's thoughts you put it in speech marks and write 'Kara thought'.

The computer screens reflected on his glasses. His hair covered his forehead and went about in almost every other way in a frantic mess. The mouse clicking, the snow falling gently outside. The bed was behind the boy and the door and window on either side of him. In front of him a desk covered the with of the wall and three monitors sat atop it. A bookshelf was tucked neatly in the corner. On one screen he was instant messaging Sarah, and that screen probably took most of his attention.

This needs a little bit of work. One, I think you've described the room way too much:

The bed was behind the boy and the door and window on either side of him.

That, for example, is something we don't really need to know.

The computer screens reflected on his glasses

Also, the computer SCREENS don't reflect on his glasses, the LIGHT from the computer screens reflect.


Again, there is punctuation missed out on the following parts.

Three boys sat on the bleachers. A cold spring rain sprinkled down from the sky. They looked towards the clouds.

"Good going getting us stuck out in the rain." said the first boy

"Well how the hell was I supposed to know it was gonna rain?" laughed the second one.

The unruly thick black hair of the third boy poked out from his hood providing him some extra protection.

"I think blow over soon" said the black-haired boy.

"You think?" said the first boy.

"Yeah."

"How'd you people say it? Vckk reth?" said the second boy.

Also, you need to make the dialogue more lively! It's just a 'He said, said the...' You have to make it realistic. Make them do something whilst talking; drinking/eating something, picking a thread from their clothes, just so that it doesn't become dull.

"Sure! Where? I'm bored as fuck out here, haha!"

You shouldn't use 'Haha', substitute it for 'He chuckled' or something.

"Go away. Be like the rest of them. That's what they always do in the end."

The boy just stared back, sitting quietly.

"Will. He's a fucking whore. Why? Why me?

"Tell me why? Please? Oh..." the girl kept weeping. The boy kept listening. An hour went by.

This was slightly confusing. Mainly the last two lines, it looks like they're said by the same person but why are they on two different lines?


OK. I'm not sure...it's quite confusing and I'm not sure entirely what's going on in it. I guess, since it's an overview, but what is the overview about? Will the short story be about these different people's lives?
I don't know, it's all pretty confusing to me.

Right I'll be completely honest, this was pretty confusing.

Number32 has done a great job at finding grammar errors and so on but there's just one line that I think would make more sense if it was altered a bit.

and instead of following with the "fancy footwork," he later reffered to it as

I think if you put as before the he it sounds more correct.

Now to answer your questions.

Character building & development - I'm just so confused with who's who in each separate piece, are some of the characters repeated? There may have been development but confusion regarding the identity of the characters stopped me from picking it up.

In terms of themes I think this is a growing up tale, maybe a story of how the family was changed after coming to America. That would be quite interesting.

This is just an overview and I would like to read more when you post it.

Hello there ShadowKnight!

Part I and II are going to be in the spoiler since it would take much space if not.

Spoiler

I. Punctuation-A


I have quoted a few sentences below from the story that needs works. Maybe you are confused which punctuation should you use. So I'm going to clarify some things about that.

"Good going getting us stuck out in the rain#FF0000 ">." said the first boy

Why I have highlighted the period, you ask? If you have a dialog followed by a speech tag, always use a comma. Well if not -and if we exclude the quotes- it would look like this:

Good going getting us stuck out in the rain. said the first boy.

You see now? If you use a period, there will be separation, thus, losing the essence of the second phrase.

But if we replace the period to a comma:

Good going getting us stuck out in the rain, said the first boy.

Now both the sentence and the speech tag have this good connection. ^^

And this rule applies to these set of sentences too.

"Good#FF0000 ">." said I.

"Ves#FF0000 ">." said the one with a smile of satisfaction.

"Now don't go talking like that for me#FF0000 ">." said the first.

Punctuation-B

"Marcus, sweetie, come back here please#FF0000 ">," Nara walked towards the water following after Marcus.

"Fine dear#FF0000 ">," Nara looked out to sea and then looked down the shore#FF0000 ">, "Kara, watch your brother."

Then again, use a comma after the dilaog only when you use a speech tag (such as he said, she said). So try changing those into period.

If you still want to know more information about punctuation in a dialog, our wonderful Demeter has made a thread about it. Try checking it out!


II. Your Vs. You're

And this is another grammatical error I have noticed too.

When your older sweetie."

"Well maybe your right. Your too cute for her anyways."

Your wonderful. Whoever gets you is lucky.

Whats the difference between Your and You're?

Your is used as possessive. For example: "Your food is delicious."

So as we can see, "your" here refers to something a person has. Or just remember that your follows after a noun.

While "You're" is a contraction of "you are". Like for example: "You're not the person I'm talking to."

III. Overview

So now, we're going to the third part of the review, which is basically my thoughts about the story.

First of all, I'm not really sure if I did enjoy reading this one. Maybe because there were a lot of characters popping in and out. And I'm confused who to really focus on and not. Or perhaps because you have not actually managed to connect each events. I just feel like there's this bunch of short stories pasted all in one and ta-da. Although I'm not against with that kind of technique, there are actually a good ol' books famous because of switching POVs. But as with the story's situation, I don't feel like getting more motivated as I read the story- rather getting more disinterested.

There were a lot of characters here. Although I'm not saying that's the reason why I didn't enjoy reading this one, but because you didn't build a bridge to connect different perspectives to each other.

Try building the atmosphere too. There were some instances where I have to scratch my head- confused of where they are. Not only about that but try showing more and make your character's personality grow with depth. As far as I can see, there were really no development throughout the story-even if there is- it's quite invisible. Let us feel your characters. Let your readers participate into the story too.

And about your characters, there were some people where I'm doubting about their age. And some characters were a bit blur to understand. I couldn't just feel their situations. There were no real emotions I could give to them. Just blank, maybe a tinge of sympathy to this girl crying or happy to these set of children playing- but that's just it. We need kore dimensions here.

IV. Others

"Ere ihthgt ehv beiier?"

"Hoi reelalav. Evervohe titlala laookt ei ae wetrd."

Okay, I have to say that I don't really have the knowledge to understand what there characters are saying. Maybe it's a language from a country I don't know or they just speak like that. However, it might be nice to translate this in the spoiler or after the ending. ^^

Maybe you’re going to be like me instead, but it seems so unlikely...

I'm not sure who really is talking or thinking about this. So try clarifying this one out. Try applying it here too:

That kid amazed me. He just sat there and listened. I've never seen him before. And I don't ever think I've seen him again.

His hair covered his forehead

I'm iffy about this, maybe you meant to say bangs or fringe?

"I think blow over soon" said the black-haired boy.

I'm a little bit confused here.

In front of him a desk covered the with of the wall and three monitors sat atop it.

And this one too. Maybe you meant "width" of the wall? I'm not sure. >.<


V. When all's said and done...

I think this has potential You just need to be more organized, and again, connect each perspective of the story. Sometimes people tend to get confused while you're the only who understands the story. So yeah, a few editing can make this one better. And try rereading your story, and if you notice some bumps, there might be some errors, so know how to fix it.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Peace out and keep writing!

~Yuri


Edit: You might see this review repetitive but only because I just noticed it now. xD Well, I actually saw this story with no reviews yet,so after typing down my almost-an-hour review, I didn't realize two reviews popped in. Hope you understand. ^^

Hello!
First off, you need to rate this as a topic, not just as a note at the top. When you start a new topic, you’ll see underneath the title the option to give it a rating. I went ahead and changed the rating for you this time, but it’s good to remember how to for next time, sa? Also, here is some information on content rating. I changed this to an 18+ for the strong language.

Now, I’m going to go wild and not talk about grammar or punctuation but broader stuff like the questions you asked.

"Yes mom." Kara ran down the beach towards the two.

>_< Oh, okay, this is grammar, I couldn’t help myself, but the full stop is right here, a comma is wrong.

"I've told you before I can't leave you alone. When your older sweetie."

"Well maybe your right. Your too cute for her anyways."

“You’re” with an apostrophe is short for “you are”. “Your” without an e or an apostrophe is the possessive.

The computer screens reflected on his glasses. His hair covered his forehead and went about in almost every other way in a frantic mess. The mouse clicking, the snow falling gently outside. The bed was behind the boy and the door and window on either side of him.

Here, all your sentences are the same length. Mix lengths up; it makes your writing more interesting. Also, who is this boy?

"Good going getting us stuck out in the rain." said the first boy

"Well how the hell was I supposed to know it was gonna rain?" laughed the second one.

The unruly thick black hair of the third boy poked out from his hood providing him some extra protection.

"I think blow over soon" said the black-haired boy.

"You think?" said the first boy.

"Yeah."

"How'd you people say it? Vckk reth?" said the second boy.

"Ves." said the one with a smile of satisfaction.

I’d agree with the other guy who said using “said” all the time here is boring. Normally I’m a huge fan of using “said” but here it’s too monotonous. All your dialogue is of a similar length, which might be why.

"Sure! Where? I'm bored as fuck out here, haha!"

Eh, I really don’t like it when people write out laughter. It looks too cartoony.

His nose bled, but in the end he was fine.

Someone once picked me up for using “fine”. It’s like “walked”; there’re no real connotations that go with it. Anything can be fine; saying something is fine doesn’t tell us anything unique or different about the thing. Also, I’m kind of puzzled as to why you have this scene in here. What’s the point?

Some say silence is nice. I've come to hate it.

Why the sudden switch to first person? And what language is this?

"Go away. Be like the rest of them. That's what they always do in the end."

The boy just stared back, sitting quietly.

"Will. He's a fucking whore. Why? Why me?

"Tell me why? Please? Oh..." the girl kept weeping. The boy kept listening. An hour went by.

"Why you just sitting there? Your wonderful. Whoever gets you is lucky. Nobody I've ever known has listened like you." She was still crying, but gently now.

The boy slid over and hugged her.

"Thank you. But go, you shouldn't have to see me like this. This isn't right. Please I just want to be alone."

The boy sat for a few more minutes, but after a few more pleas he finally went.

That kid amazed me. He just sat there and listened. I've never seen him before. And I don't ever think I've seen him again.

I have absolutely no idea who’s saying what and why there’s the sudden first person again at the end.

How have you guys built the characters? As much as you guys can, could you explain to me what you got? :3 The Character development was the major part of this.

Nothing. Absohoobalutely nothing. Sorry, but it’s true. This jumped about all over the place; first you were with the children and their mother (that part was too short to get much of an impression, except that the mother sounded fake. Calling them “sweetie” and “dear” so much made it sound like she didn’t really care about them and was trying too hard to cover that up.), then you were with some random boys in the rain who messed around, then you were somewhere in first person, then you were in a school, then with other people, then first, then just dialogue and oy vey but I had trouble keeping up.

For me, the characters are the most important part of a story. If I don’t like or am interested in the characters, I’m not really going to like the book, regardless of how great the plot or writing style is. And here, you gave me nothing, no one to hook onto and relate to. Who was I and the story meant to be following?

What themes and interest levels have you guys gotten? Is it interesting at all? Is it deep and meaningful? Have I made you feel things? That is really important to me!

I felt confusion because I didn’t know what was happening. You didn’t seem to have any real kind of plot going on, and it seemed to be a series of random events strung together in a narrative but not connected to each other in anyway. So I’m not really interested in reading on because you’ve given me no indication that what will come next will be interesting or meaningful or deep.

---

Hai!

I’m sorry if I sound mean, but this really didn’t grab me at all. I didn’t know who to connect with or what I was meant to be thinking. There was no inkling of any kind of plot or possible future conflict. It just seemed to be following people who spoke a weird language and got very emotional but weren’t connected to each other.
PM or Wall me if you have any questions! Keep writing!

-twit

Okay, I'm going to write a "review on the reviews" here for anybody else who finds themselves posting after the one's above.

Everyone, I'm really disappointed in my self for not catching my "yours." That's a mistake I'm always raving about and have this pride in myself not to mess it up. :3

I've found I'm happy how you guys received things, as in you guys've all given me one of the most important thoughts I wanted, but since no-one figured it out, it's not good. As well as I've obviously failed at making the piece enjoyable, and memorable.

I agree about the "Haha" in the dialogue, I was iffy putting it there, and I'm loving how much that "rustled your feathers." Just something I was curious about, like if it was a good idea. It's obviously not!

Number32, I really enjoyed your tips on dialogue. Very helpful. I wish I could say more, but I really can't, other than I really thank you for the dialogue tips(again)!

DarthAJ, I can't say to much on your review out of spoiling what I'm liking on this. Is it just one character, or is it multiple? I'm not saying right now. :3 If other reviewers read this its a matter of if they figure it out. And yes, the story's going through the lives of people. Obviously, though, the story needs work considering how I hint to how theirs multiple/one characters is so subtle and un-noticeable(read that sentence twice, It's kind of confusing I know, but I can't really say it better sorry!).

Yuriiko, I understand where you're getting at. Things are too vague and I went to fast. The first part is actually an excerpt from a longer part, and the other parts are more just thrown together short paragraphs. I was worried about that from the beginning. And, I'm assuming you believe that it didn't work, and I agree. As for the ages, though, I'd wish you would've expanded on that. I was hoping to keep things light weight, and just convey general ages.

Twit, It's weird because I remember rating it... Hm... but that's not important. Your nitpicks were very helpful, and I love how you explained when you didn't get things. As with the mother, I worked better on her development later, as that part is actually an excerpt from a longer piece. And agree that the characters are the most important thing, but I was just to vague in this.

So thanks everyone! I hope I covered everything, and this review of reviews was definitely kinda thrown together. I'm a little short on time, so that's why. I'm also in a little bit of an edgy mood. But, Thanks again. I'm definitely going to start just writing from the ground up.

-Skis

This is, er, quite the piece of writing you have here, Shad.

I guess I'm not entirely sure what to think of it. Like other reviewers have said, it was incredibly confusing and, to be candid, altogether quite difficult to read.

Grammar

Poor grammar delivers a sense of unprofessionalism to the reader, because they get so caught up trying to decipher the incorrect syntax that they miss, or have to reread, the sentence in question. This in turn will interrupt the smoothness of the story, which will ultimately be a bad thing for both the reader and the writer.

And your story, Shad, is simply replete with grammatical mishaps. That doesn't mean your diction is bad! It just means that there is quite a bit of polishing to do before we as readers can decide whether we like it or not. Think of it as dusting a beautiful vase; only with the dust gone can we recognize how gorgeous it really is.

So. My suggestion would be to go through this once or twice more and rectify anything in the way of grammar that you can find. Indeed, it would be next to pointless for me to attempt to locate everything myself, so manifold are the errors; besides, it's good for you as a writer to go through and correct your own mistakes.

Here are some things for you to look for:
- "Your" is possessive; "you're" is short for "you are."
- Commas should be placed at the end of any piece of dialogue if something along the lines of "he/she said" follows (unless an exclamation mark or question mark is being used). For example:
"Hello," he said.
"Hello!" he said.
"Hello." He waved to me. (Notice how these are different sentences.)
- Always separate the parenthetical element of a sentence from the rest of the sentence with a comma. This problem occurred time and time again in your piece.

Dialogue

I had, to understate things, a bit of trouble understanding your dialogue. There were no instances when anyone started talking that you failed to lose me. Your grasp on the subject of a conversation had a habit of being awfully tenuous and transitory; that is, different pieces of dialogue never seemed to completely relate to one another.

I cannot stress enough how important it is that the dialogue in a story is successful. It is perhaps the paramount factor that decides the development of a character, or at least close to it. But your dialogue, Shad, just didn't mesh, just didn't have that quality that allows me to clearly see into the speaker's mind.

For a firmer clasp on dialogue, you must make sure that the reader knows, without the shadow of a doubt, the context in which the characters are speaking. Before you dive in, try deciding beforehand specifically what they will be talking about and exactly how their conversation will develop; otherwise you end up sounding terribly impetuous.

Characters

Okay, characters. Frankly, I had absolutely no idea who was who and what relation each had with another; all I know is that there's this mother with a clichéd way of talking, and that there's some big sister whose name, I'm assuming, is Kara. I don't even have a clue about who the narrator could be. Then there's some boy with glasses who is a bit clumsy, and some Russian kids and a girl with red hair and by the time the story is over, I'm completely lost.

Well, there's your review for you. I'm sure that, beneath its thick veil, this story is great, but I just can only make out a muddled silhouette, if that, at this point.

Hope this helped!

-Kafka