The Street Corner Symphony ch. 2

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Hi, Locked Library,

this is a very very nice story so far. The main wobbly thing I notice is the character's POV, which is very feminine, as revealed through his choice of words, and also the things described are sometimes not a perfect fit for a 1st person POV.

Anyway, here are the details:

After this bit “Figuring I was done here, I hopped off the bed, taking the thick roll of gauze with me. ” you either need to describe more stuff connected to going out of the hospital, or show a scene-break by something like **** or # or anything similar.

Everyone was in a rush; even the tourists were – this can work with the ‘were’ cut

and then keep walking into oblivion – haha, this is philosophical existential poetry out of character with the rest of the story. You mean perhaps behavior based on them being ‘oblivious’, not really ‘headed for oblivion’ which is a great name for a Death/Black Metal album, by the way.

While I chuckled softly to myself, my phone reverberated madly in my pocket – start with ‘my phone’, the first bit I would certainly send on to oblivion.

The sensation tickled my spine and I answered it, careful to use the arm without a cast on it. – first, the “I answered it” placed where it is sounds like an answer to the tickling on the spine. Second, the explanation of the arm without a cast on it is wordy and clunky that way. I suggest you go for something simpler like ‘my good arm’, and not ‘careful to use’, but just ‘use’.

Hello?!” I grumbled. I was quite annoyed, my shoulder felt like it had been skewered. – what? Why? Is there a connection between the shoulder’s sensations, the annoyance and the phone? If so, spell out. I can hear you thinking “good grief, it’s obvious!” Uh-oh, as a writer you’re obliged to spoon feed us everything except bits the absence of which help maintain a plot mystery.

Henry Wilson!” my best friend’s voice sonic boomed into my ears, “Where the hell have you been, man?! I’ve been worried sick! You know better than to leave your best friend hanging! – one ‘best friend’ too many and a needless ‘sonic’

Oh stop being such a drama queen,” I rolled my eyes – that’s an excellent description of girly behavior, of a Henrietta Wilson. Anyway, ‘smirking’, ‘rolling eyes’ and similar things are best described from the outside when it concerns someone else, not in a self-directed POV. Like sexy descriptions: “he was a beefed up hunk with goshy raven hair” is fine, “I was a beefed up hunk with goshy raven hair” is not fine, except in comedy. A woman protagonist could in theory be honest enough to say things like “I rolled my eyes”, “I fidgeted”, “I pulled at my lip”. Male POV usually reports such behavior in other people.

This prose: “The floor was dizzy with pattern, and I was way too shaken up to even walk to my bed. My hand traveled up to my blazing forehead and I realized that those pain killers were giving me no mercy whatsoever. Though I trudged, and trudged I did. Haphazardly, I lurched over and clashed many pieces of furniture, barely giving the wall a break from me colliding in it. After what seemed like an hour, the bed finally knocked into my knees, compelling me to flop on its belly of fluffy foam and bouncy springs. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to soak in the peace and silence of my room. But there was no silence. There was only music.” – is an excellent description of a POV of someone stoned on medicine. Bravo. Well done. It’s grammatically schizophrenic, it conveys everything. Though noticing ‘fluffy foam’ is also gender suspect.

Hey, didn’t you have an essay due today?” Flynn smirked, teasing me as he leaned against the door frame, “What are you doing trying to sleep and yell at the same time?” – this smirking teasing too is also more of boy-girl or girl-girl than boy-boy behavior.

I sat up and knitted my brows furiously – another description which only works if someone else is doing it.

Flynn locked his gaze into mine. He was, well… concerned; as much as my brother was when I had pneumonia. It took me a moment until I had enough courage to tell him – this too seems like an episode from a budding gay relationship, from the passive youth's POV

So, to sum it up - you bravely went for a 1st person POV of an older boy. Keep at it:)

Well you certainly have impressed me once again. One thing I will note on is the dialogue because it does sound feminine and if people are reading this for the time, they might start to question if whether you changed characters or not. Search up some books that have guys as main characters and you will be set for the rest of your chapters. Other than that, the story is great. Keep writing.

Chapter two! Finally getting around to this like I promised.

Right off the bat, two things:

“Hey Flynn?!” (fake) sobbing filled the background, “I pour my heart out to you and you say, ‘Hey, Flynn?!’ You’ve got a lot of explaining to do, Mister!”

“…….(silence)…Well, I’m glad to hear you’re okay now. Bye now!…I have class in two minutes! See ya!”

Because you are in control of your narrative, feel free to out-right say that the sobbing was fake:

"'Hey Flynn'?" Fake sobbing filled the background.

Or that there was silence:

Silence. "Well, I'm glad..."

The rule I've always known is to keep parantheticals to a minimum. For my tastes, they're virtually unnecessary when describing the action that's occuring in a fictional narrative. No need to treat your novel like a chat room.

I believe I mentioned this on the last chapter, too, but brushing up on punctuation rules and proofreading what you wrote will help you a lot. Everything is a little too conversational, and there are sentence fragments all over the place. One of the best tips I got for proof reading is to read it backwards, sentence by sentence. If each sentence makes sense, then you're fine. If not, then there's something to change.

Hopefully this helped some. Can't wait for chapter three.

KF