The Tree Dweller

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Points 1235
Reviews 24
In a land, cursed, with deadened peril
Asleep in scattered corpses, silent,
In their tainted armor of iron and gold;
Among boulders of pure stone—untouched--
Grew a tree. A tree unmoved by the hammering
Hammers of time, unshaken by the gushing fists
Of wind; and untouched by the brawling flame
That came by, past its leaves from a source unknown.

A tree; I once dwelt in.

For a time swollen with slow seconds I,
Dwelt there; swinging from its branches
Through loops of crippled days grounded;
To a halo of motherly love so eager to cradle
My dreams and, warped walks I often took
Through that old pondering abyss I call my mind.

I loved that tree, that genesis,
Of; all I think and speak,
Conceptualize and taste,
Pamper then crush.

The internally bound dwelling of me in that tree,
That, good old oak led for great a time,
Till’ a force, unbound by the very hands of fear,
Swept through the surrounding fields with a roar,
Compiled of a collective vote by the smoldering lips of my foes—
And stripped my tree, my, good old tree.

Shaken and fear bound I fell, hurling down,
Down, down , ramming through every branch,
Smothered by the sound of tearing leaves
I grieved, till my weeping knew the ends of eternity.

I slumbered, tucked into the lush soil—weeping still.
Till’ I one day found, that, the roaring force
My foes compiled; bore with it seeds,
Halved in an eternity past; to one day be watered
By the weeping of a soul sincere in every motion—Like I.
That someday, they may become great trees of thought and reason,
Much like my good old oak, I and my dry cheeks,
Run through today.
Last edited by Abyss on Thu Aug 11, 2011 5:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Gender Female
Points 1303
Reviews 18
Very nice, I love the mental picture that you paint. Enough detail to help the reader see what you want, but enough left in the dark so the reader can personalize it. Well done.

A few points you may want to look at.
...A tree unmoved by the hammering
Hammers of time...

When you use a decribing word that is the same as the noun, it givs a childish feel to it. At least, I believe it does. Saying
hammering hammers
takes away from the serious mood you have created. I would use a different adjective.

Of; all I think and speak


Overall, very good job! You did really well! :)
Cake and tea or death, cake or tea and death?! Little red cook book, little red cook book!
-Eddie Izzard

I am an evil herbivore. I will eat all the leaves on this tree. I will eat more leaves than I should... so that other giraffes may die!
-Also Eddie Izzard




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Points 762
Reviews 30
Great job!
I liked the symbolism in it, and the feel you gave to it. I didn't really like the flow of the words. It seemed choppy to me, but that's okay. i still thought it was a wonderful peiice of work!
Keep writing!
Life is to be lived, not survived.




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Points 8572
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So, I've read this a couple of times now and decided over again that it's too massive for me to review... Yet I'll give it a try. The reason I didn't dare put my nose in it at first, is that I feel like my english is a bit too limited to fully grasp this piece. With a little help from my bff- google translate I think I managed okay afterall though!
So to begin with, you're imagery is just... gaah, very, very good! You're poem is overall very vivid and when reading it the settings become quite clear! I also love the symbolizm with the tree!
I must agree with Icebender and say the flow was a bit choppy though...
Then I must wonder what "deadened" means because my bff wouldn't tell me :P

So.. I'll end with this; BRILLIANT, AMAZING, CREATIVE! Also, here you go; 5/5 spiddery spiders!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost



What holds you betwixt panic and serenity? That is, if it's not among the many querulous quagmires unfit for elaboration.
— soundofmind as Emiliano Achillinus