Smiling Misery.

Didn't take as long as it should. Read over parts if not understood. Feel free to fix, or comment.

Smiling Misery

My head is clouded by thoughts of love,
Convinced by red flashes around my vision,
Sudden adrenaline, horror starts to shove,
Into the walls of my mind, thudding, screaming with collision.

Blankly staring down at two objects,
Pondering what they caused me, happiness or conflicts,
They shiver, quiver, shedding tears of red,
I can almost feel their fear, terror, dread,
Between them, s long cold steel shimmering blade,
Sparkling, shaking, drenched in the confusing shade.

White overcomes my mind and eyes,
Visions of Paradise start to become clear,
Running across a field of green, with my second heart,
Awaking into doubted reality, by a cry betrayal, so very sheer.

I squint, shade my eyes,
From that constant glare,
Focused on only one thought, a dare, without care,
One more glimpse, smell, touch, of a stand of hair.

After regular blackouts, I can’t tell actuality and dream apart,
I, shocked, with a transfixed stare beneath, petrified,
At the murder of my love, my life, my second heart,
Then plunged steel through my first, smiling as I died.

Hi there!

Sudden adrenaline, horror starts to shove,

You forgot the 's' at the end.

Visions of Pradise start of to become clear,

It should be 'to' instead of 'of'.

This was a good poem. It flowed very well and was a fun read. The rhyme scheme was off, but other than that it was great! Keep writing!

Hey there Toe!

Okay, review time!

My head is clouded by thoughts of love, Line 1 Nitpick A.
Convinced by red flashes around my vision, Line 2
Sudden adrenaline, horror start to shove,Line 3
Into the walls of my mind, thudding, screaming with collision. Line 4

Blankly staring down at two objects, Line 1
Pondering what they caused me, happiness or conflicts, Line 2
They shiver, quiver, shedding tears of red, Line 3
I can almost feel their fear, terror, dread,Line 4
Between them, s (s? Typo error?) long cold steel shimmering blade, But wait, there're more lines?
Sparkling, shaking, drenched in the confusing shade. Six lines? The others only have 4 each.

White overcomes my mind and eyes,
Visions of Paradise start of become clear,
Running across a field of green, with my second heart,
Awaking into doubted reality, by a cry betrayal, so very sheer.

I squint, shade my eyes,
From that constant glare,
Focused on only one thought, a dare, without care,
One more glimpse, smell, touch, of a stand of hair. Strand of... Hair? 0oNitpick B

Nitpick C
After regular blackouts, I can’t tell actuality (Na-ha. Wrong word. Word's 'reality'.) and dream apart,
I, shocked, with a transfixed stare beneath, petrified,
At the murder of my love, my life, my second heart,
Then plunged steel through my first, smiling as I died.

Okay!
(o) About Nitpick A - Your first paragraph's stanza had four lines, so did the third, fourth and fifth. But the second had six. This spoils the structure and the presentation of the poem.

(o) About Nitpick B -

One more glimpse, smell, touch, of a stand of hair.

I'm sorry, but strand? I didn't quite get this line. No, this paragraph.

(o) About Nitpick C - This paragraph didn't actually give the feeling. Infact, (this may sound harsh, I am extremly sorry.) this whole poem was rather confusing. I didn't quite get what you were trying to say. It may just be me, but, well, yeah.
I am soo sorry. It could have been better if you had re-read your poem from somebody else's angle before submitting. Reading it from your point of view may seem easy 'cause well, you know your poem. This used to happen for me too, you can check my first couple posts. They were so confusing and soooooooooo random, poeple didn't even know what the point was. So I learned to veiw from Point B. Another person's angle. Try that.

But, the postive note, I did like your title. Its what got me here. ^^

I'm so sorry for the harsh review. :/

-JT.

Awesome. Just awesome. I loved it! I'm not going to be really picky about anything, mostly because it doesn't need it. Your rhyme scheme was perfect. The poem flows nicely and I didn't feel like it was at all forced. The first sentance was also perfect. It drew me in and caught my attention. Your poem also kept my attention, which is usually pretty hard to do. You should ignore some of the other nitpicks from previous posts. I understood it and loved it! Completely!

Hellå! Very vivid piece you've got here, I admire your creativity! You've also managed creating a great rythm and flow with your rhymes while still keeping it non-forced! Great work! I both love the beginning, which got me hooked immidiately and the ending which... even though it was real sad, was beautiful!

4/5 icky, sticky spiders to you!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness