Not Yet

I lay there
for
hours
my fingers mindlessly
tugging at the grass
the sun
warming my back
my breath
escaping shallowly
from my
lips
the dandelions
gently brushing against
my cheeks
this is
what I might imagine
heaven
to be
but
I think
this isn't it
my fingers clench
the grass
underneath them
and with a yank
I
uproot
the green blades
my blond hair falls
over my face
obscuring
all that I can see
with these
eyes
not yet
I think and
the clouds cover the
sun
not yet
and I stand
taking the grass
in my hand
with me

Hi,

I really enjoyed this. Your imagery is great, I could really feel this. It flows very nicely. I especially enjoyed:

"my fingers mindlessly
tugging at the grass
...
I think
this isn't it".

These lines engage many different senses and the tone is great.

The only small changes I would make would be to say "and I stand" instead of "and stand" as this needs to be clear, and I'm also not sure about "blonde". It seems irrelevant and I'd like a more surprising word.

A pleasure.

Hope this helps,

Jas

not yet
I think and
the clouds cover the
sun
not yet
and I stand
taking the grass
in my hand
with me

Those last lines are so powerful and real. Nice job. I love the whole peom, it's beautiful.

Hey! This was a really cool poem, the rhythm and flow was nice.

my fingers clench
the grass
underneath them
and with a yank
I
uproot them

The first time I read this, I thought maybe the repitition of 'them' threw it off a bit. Maybe use a synonym?

I lay there
for
hours
my fingers mindlessly
tugging at the grass
the sun
warming my back

Again (sorry I'm kinda going backwards here ) I had to pause, because I didn't get the seperation between 'tugging at the grass' and 'sun'. I had to read it a couple times to get it. I know you're avoiding punctuation, and that's fine. Maybe 'my fingers mindlessly/ tugging at the grass while/ the sun... etc.'? Then again, maybe I'm just slow and didn't get the seperation there.

I enjoyed this poem so much. The imagery was awesome, and I get a sense of both urgency and calm at the same time. It's like, the speaker is so relaxed at first, and then it's "No, no, no. Stay away, clouds." The voice in this poem is beautiful.

Hope I helped, even a little bit,
Dai

Helluee! This was a quite delightful thing to read, it was vivid, full of descriptions and it also flowed well... yet, I've got one thing to point out. Mainly, it's the punctuation, when you don't have dots and commas all words easily float together and it's hard to feel the rythm even if the words flow well... eeh, do you get what I mean? The ending was great too, it was a bit sudden but it lived up to my expectations. Overall, this is a powerful piece and I really enjoyed reading it

4/5 spiders too you!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hey Deebee!

First off I'll start with what I didn't like. I know this type of poem they usually don't put much grammar in, but in yours there are barely any. I often put to little or to much grammar in my poetry, but you need some.

Oh, I also had suggestion come to mind from your type of writing! Have you ever tried making an image with your words? Lots of writers try this. If you need some examples check out some of Ellen Hopkin's image writings.

I did really like your poem, your words were pretty. You made a really beautiful picture in my head.

Thats all I have to say!

If you have any questions PM me or post something on my wall.

-Boo