Agony

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This piece is for a contest and I could only write 250 words. I hope you like it!

Some notes-- The story takes place in Gethsemane, an ancient garden outside of the city of Jerusalem where Jesus wept because he knew he would be betrayed and killed. It is not in Scripture that the devil came to Jesus, this is just biblical fiction.
Yeshua: Jesus' name in Hebrew.
Heylel: it means "The Light Bearer" in Hebrew. Translated into Latin, it would be "Lucifer".

***

Agony

H. C. Smith


“Sin is so heavy. The burden is too great for a mere man to bear.” Heylel leaned over the trembling body, like a vulture over a corpse. The praying man sat beneath the trees of Gethsemane, crying. Was this the one sent to save men from their sin? What a pathetic redeemer.

Heylel’s vaporous robes barely shrouded his nakedness. As if he would ever conceal the flesh that fed his pride. The whore felt scandalous standing in the midst of this supposed king-priest while wearing such revealing robes. It was delicious to the devil.

The weeping man, Yeshua, lifted his head. The once strong face of this prophet was now streaked with tears and blood. The moonlight fell to his thick shoulders and settled upon his dark shaved hair like a silver halo. The king’s body swayed with his sobs. Through shuddering teeth he muttered, “No agony is too great for God.”

Heylel found himself sickened by Yeshua’s confidence. What a fowl man, claiming to be the Most High. Heylel swept down like a crow from his perch to face the God-man. He spat through jagged teeth, “You are not the One, are you? Tell me who you are, you dog!”

“I am that I am.” Yeshua breathed. The king’s smoldering eyes tore into Heylel. The God-man’s gaze was agony to the demon, like fire to frostbitten skin. The devil cowered beneath his stare and fled into the shadows. It appeared Yeshua’s power was greater than any son of sin.
Last edited by Cole on Thu Aug 11, 2011 2:16 am, edited 2 times in total.




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So, first of all, I'm gonna say that I really like it! I love the way you describe things, both the physical part of the people in the story, and what's going on inside the guy's head. Also, I don't really get it, exactly. From the very beginning I was trying to figure out what was really going on and as I got towards the end, I still couldn't, really.
I'm guessing it's got something to do when Jesus is dying on the cross and there are Pharisees or some people of the like that are spitting at him and just plain despising him. I don't know if I'm just a little thick or what, but a little bit of clarity and of what's really going on would be nice. :)

Besides that, great piece!




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Great imagery but I still don't get the whole story. Descibe more at the beginnig and end to give your reader a clearer concept. the mid part flowed well. as far aS I noticed good punctuation and grammar but God-man sounds....well, weird. The whore part was a little too...well it was different than the rest of your descriptions all of a sudden, blah, I don wanna keep my thoughts to me, sort of feeling from the writer there. But you were very effective and had great imagery.
Of this topic, been a while since I heard : tell me your story :). Man I miss my friends. Sad part of growing up. :( (my first sad emoticon on YWS)
"The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it
regularly went cuckoo."
-- Terry Pratchett, "Wyrd Sisters"




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I do understand this. I have to say, this is a bold and new take on this story...and I like that.

I can understand those who don't know and understand this part in the Bible would have a hard time understanding this piece, but that seems okay to me. It's more fun to dissect.

Sorry, I can't really provide a proper review, for I could not see many spelling and punctuation errors. And asking you to add anything to this already complex piece would be overkill DX

i really like it :)
"If you ever have a problem don't say 'Hey God I have a big problem.' Rather 'Hey Problem... I have a big God and it's all going to be okay."



You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time