Paradise; Lost

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Gender Female
Points 444
Reviews 120
What does thou see?
When thou gaze'th at me?

A creamy concoction
Of sugars;
Of spice.
But I am not willing
to be sacrificed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I wear a mask of chocolate
To hide what's felt within
But when I cringe in horror,
within my sugary skin.
You do nothing but
watch me,
and grin.

Smelling,
Seeing;
Caressing and
Licking
me

Again and again...
Unmercifully.

I am your
Paradise;
Whether I like it,
Or not.

But at my exhaust
I feel nothing but Lost.

For that's who I am.
I am nothing.
I am your...
Paradise; Lost.
Last edited by Emmzziee on Thu Aug 11, 2011 1:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I want to play a game.




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Gender Female
Points 668
Reviews 131
I hope I understood your poem's inner meaning because it looks.....deep and well expressed.
The punctuation, grammar, and imagery, I guess, was very good.
The flow and pace was nice. Certainly, you're a pro. But I

I wear a mask of chocolateTo hide what's felt within -But sometimes I cringe,And I crumble in horror,within my sugary skin. You watch me, and you grin.
You could edit this to rhyme in better.
Best of luck!
"The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it
regularly went cuckoo."
-- Terry Pratchett, "Wyrd Sisters"




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Gender Female
Points 1258
Reviews 7
This was absolutely amazing! I have no complaints at all.

I'd like to think you're talking about chocolate or something of the like. It is also a bit unsettling because now I feel like I've molested every single piece of candy I have ever eaten in my life. Every ice cream cone, Hershey's bar, Twix, well you get it. You had a good structure and the poem flowed effortlessly - to me anyway.

You just keep writing.

OnigiriChan
"If all our life is but a dream, fantastic posing greed, then we should feed our jewelry to the sea. For diamonds do appear to be just like broken glass to me." Northern Downpour



Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!
— Gretchen Wieners