The Meaning

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sgppoetry
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 7
Wed Aug 10, 2011 6:35 pm
sgppoetry says... · Wed Aug 10, 2011 6:35 pm
What is my true purpise of life ?
And what will I become if not succesful ?
What will I achieve if I don't believe ?
What if life becomes deceses ?

I'm not asking you to understand
or who i'm really am.
Or how God judges me
and what my girl think about me.

But I do understand that
I can only be one man
pondering in proverty of what my meaning is
I guess all I can do for now is live life how it is.
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Demoness
Gender Female
Points 8572
Reviews 424
Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:06 pm
Demoness says... · Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:06 pm
Hello, I'm Demoness and I've come to give you a review of this work!


What is my true purpise of life ? - I believe you mean "Purpose"
And what will I become, if not succesful ?
What will I achieve if I don't believe ? Believe what exactely?
What if life becomes deceses ? Maybe it's just my limited english, but I googled this word and couldn't find the meaning behind it... maybe you meant "deceases" but that word doesn't really fit in there according to me ^^

I'm not asking you to understand
or who i'm really am. - I guess you mean I... but in that case I think you need to add a "me" at the end of the previous line for this line to work togehter with it :D
Or how God judges me
and what my girl think about me.

But I do understand that;
I can only be one man,
pondering in proverty of what my meaning is - Again... Is it my english, or is this word non-existent? :P
I guess all I can do for now is live life how it is. I like this last line, maybe add a comma somewhere in it but I like the hope in it, and the acceptance that we can't really be the ruler of our faith and that sometimes it's better just to make the best out of it!


Overall, I think this poem is quite good. It had its flaws and I would've likes a little more "showing" and less "telling" if you know what I mean. Anyhowss, I'll give you 3/5 icky spiders.

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost
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ShadowKnight155
Gender Male
Points 1931
Reviews 72
Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:18 pm
ShadowKnight155 says... · Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:18 pm
Darn. Demoness beat me to it. She caught everything I did. :P The only thing is "poverty." It is indeed a word Demonss, but I doesn't make sense to me to be in their. It seems you only put it in there to complexity things and make it seem deeper or rhyme better. It doesn't go with the rest of the flow in general. Other than that, I like it. If you clean it up, it'll be a wonderful poem! I believe I see what you're trying to convey...if it is what I believe, than I truly do love the poem.

Good luck,

--Skis
By nature, all language is flawed.

"Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding," - Albert Einstein
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VuzzyCat
Gender Female
Points 1144
Reviews 51
Sun Aug 14, 2011 5:38 am
VuzzyCat says... · Sun Aug 14, 2011 5:38 am
Nice poem! Cool idea. Nice, short, and sweet. Other then the small nitpicks from Demoness, everything looked great. I wish it was longer, and I love poems so much more when they rhyme, but you don't have to listen to me there. :D Great job!
I'm the author of my own life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen. Mistakes I make can not be erased, the only option is to turn the page and start a new chapter. <3

I'm single because God is busy writing the best love story.
<3 VuzzyCat
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Charade
Gender Female
Points 1167
Reviews 23
Sun Aug 14, 2011 8:34 pm
Charade says... · Sun Aug 14, 2011 8:34 pm
Harro, sgppoetry ^-^
Grammer and spelling mistakes aren't such a big deal to me. Its about the written words that should be judged.
But, that being said, I thought you might like a descripion of how I'd re-post it ^-^
What is my true purpise of life ? (Purpose)
And what will I become if not succesful ? (Successful)
What will I achieve if I don't believe ?
What if life becomes deceses? (Deceased???)
I'm not asking you to understand
or who i'm really am. (I am)
Or how God judges me
and what my girl think(S) about me.

But I do understand that
I can only be one man
pondering in proverty of what my meaning is (Poverty)
I guess all I can do for now is live life how it is.


I thought the topic was interesting, but I'd probably go with a smoother description. Its a little rough. And maybe extend it a bit.
Longer isn't always better, but I think with this topic, it would be ^-^
Good luck with your writing
[color=#FF00BF]
Charade-- <3
RAWR!
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Boolovesyou
Supporter
Gender Female
Points 1305
Reviews 170
Tue Aug 16, 2011 9:03 pm
Boolovesyou says... · Tue Aug 16, 2011 9:03 pm
What is my true purpise of life ? purpose
And what will I become if not successful ? successful
What will I achieve if I don't believe ?
What if life becomes deceases ? deceased? This line makes no sense to me.

I'm not asking you to understand
who I really am. You don't need an 'or' there.
How God judges mecomma
orwhat my girl think about me.

But I do understand that
I can only be one man
pondering in proverty of what my meaning is
I guess all I can do for now is live life how it is.Rhyming the same word is always bad.


Your poem needs work. Thats all.

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.
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My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.
— A.A. Milne