Nowhere, Now Here - Chapter 1

DON'T read if you do or have struggles with an ED or disordered eating. I would hate to surface any bad feelings.
Read:

Spoiler

This is based on personal experiences. Feel free to tear it up, I know it's kind of random at times, I obviously love to play with writing styles... This is also one of my first stories, I usually write poetry (and if you read my poems, you can tell where i got a lot of this story from . Oh and if you criticize, MAKE SURE ITS CONSTRUCTIVE. Give me advice, not just "I dont like this."

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me.
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

- 'Mirror' by Sylvia Plath

I choose my words carefully. This is important, I know. The wrong word could make me cringe in hate, and I need more than that; I need to rewrite and abuse the laws of physics and turn emotional pain into physical. “I am not good enough,” is just not good enough today. It only makes me cringe.

“Whore,” I say aloud.

I watch my mouth take the thought and write it in sound waves. Wrongwrongwrong. I am not a whore, and I know this. I am being stupid. Stupid. I am stupid! I am stupid because I should be at my school social, at my friends party, in a boys arms, but I chose to stand in front of The Mirror. I ditched them.

“Bitchhh,” I hang onto the end of the word, letting in spill out my mouth.

I look ridiculous: Here stands a girl, hands latched onto what could be collarbones, in nothing but her underwear. She stands there, making sounds, nonsense. She doesn’t even quiver when the world’s mean, slick hands slither up her skin and peel away her layers. She is a nesting doll.

But it works, the longer I say it, the more the word can wrap around my neck, and I let them. I let everything get to me. Every word, every stare, every touch, sound, action, number. I am a marionette to life. And I don't fight back when it tugs at my strings. But… who chose for me to be alone? My eyes scroll up from thighs, warily fastening onto my face. I stare into that empty crater—no. It is not empty. It is filled with food, with fat. I tried to puke it up this morning, but my body’s been hiding the sticky disappointment from me lately, it has to be. Just because nothing enters my body, doesn’t mean there's nothing inside.

Then I remember. I am alone. No one pushed me away. I did not let anyone do this to me. I did this to myself. I. Am. Alone. Alone. That word does worse than make me feel pain. It makes me feel nothing, disconnection. I feel small and pitiful. Alone. It flips vertically and slices me in half. I shrivel and float down to the floor.

I have my words.

“Bitchhhhh. I am stupid. I am not going to private high school next year because no one trusted me with the pressure. Isn’t eating, and gaining weight, family, and trust supposed to be more simple than school? I am so, so, so, sooooo stupid. Those fucking grades were for shit. I will be alone. I am alone. I fucking chose to be here. No one will love me. And when people do, they lose interest. Because I am not interesting. I am boring. I am less than everyone else… no. I am smart—yes. I have talents—yes. But I will never use any of it, because I will fail over and over and over again. I am forgotten. I am inadequate. Inadequate. Inadequate. Inadequate, inadequate, inadequate, inadequate. I am—“

crying. The Mirror vanishes; all I see is the floor and my knees. I’m too weak to even talk to myself. what am i? SLAP—my arm turns red. SLAP—redder. SLAP—harder, now. SLAP—bits of purple flowers underneath my skin.

Yikes! I actually read a book like this called Winter Girls, by Laurie Halse Anderson. You should use that book for reference if you haven't read it already. Usually I'm not a fan of this type of writing because I stay angry at the main character throughout the novel because I completely disagree with eating disorders and whatnot and their attitude would really piss me off but I actually like seeing their progress by the end of the novel so I wish you much luck with this. Keep writing

Hello, this was quite intense to say the least! I don't like the attitude most people with eating disorders have, how they just let everything get to them and how they do nothing to fight back. What I like about the narrator in this story though is that fighting back is exactely what she seems to be doing, or want to do at least. In the end I'm hopeful, because you give the reader a hint that doesn't say "end it ended with tragedy" it says... "okay, so she's in deep but she hasn't given up" So.. ehm good plus for that!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hey there, I think you did a very realistic account of an eating disorder. It’s not just a problem with putting food in your mouth, it’s a mental state. I’ve had my share of anorexia a few years back so I can relate to this. For me, food wasn’t even an issue, it was just that I had a lot of self loathing. I can see the same things in this character; she’s hurting herself, belittling herself, trying to make herself a stronger person. She’s staring herself down in the mirror, trying to figure out just what is wrong with her. At least that’s what I got out of it.

So I think you definitely got that point across, well done. Your grammar is also great, I don’t think you have any issues with writing. I’m eager to read on and find out what else this story has to say.

I don’t particularly get what the purpose of the poems were, but that’s just a stylistic choice, don’t mind me.

Have an awesome day!

Ok--THANKS. I'm really glad I'm not just portraying eating disorders as a girl who wants to be skinny and counts calories, my goal was to show the more emotianal side of it, so thats good.

And yeah, I guess the attitude is irratating, but you have to realize that none of it is a choice, it's just these awful thoughts brought on by an incrediby complex addiction.
and to Angelknight--yes i have read wintergirls. I really hope it doesn't seem like I'm copying her in any way! This is all based on my experiences and the writing style is really the one i've written in for ages, i don't want it to seem like i'm copying her!

Wow. That was pretty powerful. Great job, it really draws the reader in. I loved the language here, and it sparks a bit of sadness for the main character.

Good grammar, too.

Keep it up.~

Walker here with a review as requested!

So instead of beating around the bush, lets get this show on the road.

Personally, I love stories about characters with flaws. Deep flaws. Flaws that cause the story to turn. To make a story from human flaws is what makes for good fiction, so I do like the theme. Simply speaking, you've taken a big disorder on your shoulders and something that treating delicately will get you nowhere yet being overly dramatic will also get you nowhere. This was is going to be tough.

With this first chapter, my immediate thought was 'this is a bit much'. Not the emotion, per say. Maybe the cussing at herself. It seems that she is not only seeing what she fears but she is also trying to see it as well. As if she is making sure she knows she is ugly, and I don't believe that is something that comes with such a disorder. Calling herself a bitch over and over again will not change the fact that she still hates herself. It simply feels like overkill.

So, instead, take on a less melodramatic tone. How so? Well, here's a list of examples;

1. Be Subtle

The thing will people who have eating disorders is that they truly believe themselves to be ugly and fat. They do things to themselves to make themselves feel better by extreme means but, when it comes down to it, the disorder part is that they don't know what they are doing is wrong, and when they do realize it, they don't know how to change it. You might want to calm down on the emotion. Instead, bring out a character who is numb. Who hates herself but doesn't sit there and simply complain. Put her across as someone who doesn't feel anything. That way, when people end up trying to help her, which should happen, they'll find that she doesn't want it. That she thinks its perfectly natural to want to lose weight and to become pretty. That even though her ribs are showing, she doesn't think she's skinny.

Its that kind of ignorance that makes for a character we can all relate to instead of someone who makes this awkward to read. So far, my only impression towards your character is that she annoys me. That she is being selfish and stupid. Causing problems so that somebody will help. That shouldn't be termed as an eating disorder.

2. Shape her.

So far, she's pretty much pure angst. Pure 'I'm such a failure' and 'I'll never be able to do anything right'. Quite frankly, when it comes down to it, its annoying, and I don't know too many people who can't find hope. Its hope that's devastating. Its hope that makes things hard. When you give yourself that little inkling of chance and it ends up failing is when we get a real taste of reality. All we have here is angst. Angst and lots of it.

I want to see you developing a character not around the melodrama of a disorder but around the idea that its apart of her but not all of her. Show us why we should even care about this character. For instance, maybe she's a talented pianist or incredibly smart when it comes to English. Flaws should be balanced with goods. There can't be one without the other. That being said, give us reasons to actually want to read her story. Don't simply make us hate her right off the bat.

Overall:

I'm nervous about this. From the moment she started calling herself a bitch, I couldn't help but find myself feeling annoyed. Annoyed with the character. Annoyed with the situation. Annoyed that this is classified as some for of an story on eating disorders. I want to like your character and I want to like this piece but, until I start seeing something a little less selfish and a little more... realistic, I'm going to continue to be nervous.

Then again, this is only the first bit. There is still another chapter to review and another bit to shape her. I really want to see some good character development from you.

~Walker