Souls
“Hey, if I were you, I would never do that, I swear! Listen to me, girl, he is hopeless. I know what I'm saying.”
His face was so strict that Melody and I couldn't stay serious anymore and burst into laughter. Because James didn't look like a person who knew what he was doing. Instead, he reminded me of a runaway from a mental hospital. If it was possible to describe him in one word, I would say that he looked dead. While I talked to him, I tried not to meet his eyes and not to look at his face. Numerous scars covered his forehead, nose, and the right cheek, but the scariest was the one that cut his upper lip. Drops of blood looked especially bright compared to his pale neck, and his uncombed black hair only emphasized that sick paleness. But compared to Melody, who was standing right next to him, James wasn't pale at all. Her skin was as white as snow, and her sunken eyes were like two black diamonds: beautiful, sparkling, and... inanimate. Melody's light white dress seemed inappropriate. It was too innocent, but, fortunately, her straight brown hair was long enough to hide her opened shoulders. As for me, I think I looked as the sanest person among the three of us. Long black mantle fell in folds, covering my body from neck to feet, and the only thing that was a little weird about me was my hair. Twice as long as Melody's, but curly and black, it was entangled and looked really wild. I wish I could hide it, because I didn't want to attract anybody's attention, at least now. James and Melody were looking at me waiting for a response, I could feel that. We always knew each other's thoughts, we were like... connected on the subconscious level. James and Melody - my brother and sister, the only relatives that I had and the only people who really cared about me.
I didn't respond, only smiled and shook my head. James also smiled with his wry smile (other people, probably, could not stand such a sight, but I was not disgusted because I saw it before) and turned to me. “Laura, I'm the person who cares about you the most, so please, I beg you, don't do what you are planning to do! It's just... stupid, you know, girl! And you already know what is going to happen, so isn't it better to avoid new pain by not doing that?”
I interrupted him. “Listen, you, person who cares about me the most, I already decided and it's not in my rules to change my decisions.”
“But I'm sure that...”
I didn't give James chance to speak. “And we already talked with you about that, didn't we?”
He was probably going to tell me something rude, and he would do it if Melody didn't interfere. “Hey there, I would be really happy if you continued to pretend that I don't exist, but it's time to go.”
I looked at her gratefully, because to talk with James about Ray was the thing that I wanted to do the least at that moment. I realized that James was just trying to help me, but I also realized that nobody could help me except myself. We walked in silence along the dark windy street and reached a half-destroyed building that looked abandoned, but for real it wasn't. We went up the stairs and opened the massive oak door: inside, the party was in full swing. There were about two hundred people, dressed up as we were or even more weird. No, it wasn't a gathering of psychos or criminals, it was a usual high school Halloween party. And James, Melody, and I were usual high school students of age 17, 15 and 16 respectively. I knew that James was going to leave us soon, he was a DJ of the party together with two other guys, Ali and Alejandro. He was getting impatient. “Okay, any ideas where they are?”
We shook our heads at the same time, and at that moment I heard someone talking to me. “What's up, wife? How is life?”
Another voice interrupted him in a playfully rude manner. “What did you say to my wife?”
“Yo, that's MY wife, so you'd better stop talking to her!”
“Wow, wow, wow, look who's talking! Laura,” Ali turned to me, “whose wife are you, mine or this guy's?!”
Alejandro and Ali, here they were. They could always move me to laughter. It was our old joke to call each other husbands and wife, but for real they were one of my best friends. “James was looking for you two, husbands. By the way, tonight I'm Dracula's wife, if you don't mind.”
“Oh, no!..” Alejandro pretended to be deeply disappointed, but then he just smiled and winked at me. I tried to smile, but I felt more and more nervous every minute.
“Are you OK?” Ali asked, and I nodded, but, actually, that wasn't the truth. I knew that Ray was here already. I didn't see him, but I just knew that.
Ali looked at me fixedly. “Promise me to enjoy the party, deal?”
“I... I'll try to.”
“For God's sake, remove that sad face and go dancing! It's Halloween!”
Well, I didn't see any reason not to follow his advice. I came here to have fun, so I just took off my mantle, showing a blood-red long dress that I had under it. Melody was an excellent dancer, so the next hour she was in the middle of attention, but as for me, my thoughts were far away... Did he come? Dancing, I suddenly felt uncomfortable, like someone was watching me. I looked around and saw what I wanted to see. Ray didn't have time to revert the eyes, and our eyes met, just for one second. At the same moment Melody grabbed my hand and squeezed it so hard that I almost cried. I could read panic in her eyes. “Melody, what's happened?”
She started to explain something, but music was too loud to hear anything, that's why she showed me by gestures to follow her, and we left the dancing circle. “Laura, did you see him?”
“Whom - him?” I could think only about Ray.
“Friedrich.” Her voice was trembling.
I sighed in relief:
“Oh my God, I thought something serious happened! Well, Friedrich came, and what? I mean I can imagine how you feel, but only think how foolish it is! Your ex-boyfriend came to the party, and you are afraid of seeing him. Why?!”
“You... You don't understand. He's not just my ex-boyfriend, he is the person whom I love!”
“But you told me that you forgot him already...”
She laughed almost hysterically. “Really? Oh, really? And you believed me? Ha, Laura, even you don't understand!”
“Calm down, Melody, everything is okay, just...”
“No, everything is not okay!” She yelled, and then looked down and said quietly, “Sorry, I'm just... out of control. I... I'll go to the restroom.”
“I'll go with you?”
“No, no, Laura, I will come back in five minutes. Can you wait for me here?”
“Of course.”
She left, I stayed alone. Suddenly I felt tired to death, both morally and physically. It was pretty dark in the corner where I was waiting my sister, so I just sat down on the floor and closed my eyes. I was confused. I decided that today I would talk to Ray, but now I realized that, actually, James was right - I already knew the answer. The only thing that I knew was that I love Ray. I have loved him since I was 15 and he was 16, and as time passed, this feeling only deepened, and I could do nothing with that. But he... He never felt anything for me. James always compared him to a stone: strong, cold, without any emotions. But I knew that it wasn't true. Well, he has never shown his emotions, for example, never liked any girl and didn't have close friends. But I knew that he was different. I loved him so much that I would do anything to make him happy, that I would rather die than cause his pain. If he loved me back, it would be all that I ever wanted. But now I realized, realized as clearly as never before: he doesn't. He doesn't love me, and I can’t change it, well but I am not going to. The highest form of love is the love when you are not loved back... I felt hot tears running down my cheeks. Fortunately, I thought, nobody can see me. At this moment, someone's cold hand touched my shoulder. I raised my head quickly and was captured by the pair of black eyes, eyes that I knew so well... Ray's eyes. “Ray... What are you doing here?”, I asked carefully.
He didn't answer but looked at me mindfully. “Laura, what is going on with you?”
“I… I'm fine.”
“No,” his voice was calm and confident, “You're not.” He kept looking at me. “Laura, could you please stand up? Please.”
He offered me his hand and helped to stand up. Even though I was wearing high heels, he was much taller than me. I saw a new expression in his eyes, the one that I've never seen before, but I couldn't find a word to describe it. He started talking in the same calm manner, so not inherent to him. “I can't hide it any more, I am tired of fighting with myself. Laura,” he didn't take his eyes away from me, “I love you.”
About twenty seconds passed before I answered him. My heart was beating too fast. “Ray, I love you, and you know it. But you... you don't.”
“I do, Laura, I have loved you since I saw you for the first time two years ago.”
I shook my head. “How is it possible? I mean... You never looked at me.”
“Listen... I love you, and that's it.”
And before I could answer anything to him, he just hugged me. At that moment I was the happiest person in the entire Universe.
“My love” He said, and I smiled. I gently moved away from him and, again, looked into his eyes. Suddenly, I understood what feeling was reflected in his eyes. Pain, terrible pain.
“Ray, what's wrong?”
“Nothing... Nothing, Laura, just stay, don't leave. It's all that I'm asking for.”
“Of course, I don't need to go anywhere if you are here. Wait! Oh no, I forgot about Melody, she went to the restroom and she has to be here by now. Ray, can I go check if she is alright?”
“Yes, for sure, and I... I will come back to the party and wait for you there. Okay?”
I smiled in response and nodded.
There was nobody in the hallway: as I walked along it, the echo of my steps was the only sound disturbing the silence. An old lamp was broken, and I had to go groping. It was too cold. The window at the distant corner of the hallway was also broken. It was kind of scary to walk like that in the complete darkness with a cold wind as my companion. Suddenly, I stepped on something, something soft and still. I leaned and touched it, and cry of horror burst from my throat: it was someone's cold hand. I couldn't see anything, but suddenly my fingers felt a ring, same ring as I had. Only I, Melody, and James had it. Melody! That's why she didn't come back after she went to the bathroom. I started to shake her hand hoping that she would come to mind. Then I touched her face and I felt like everything inside me turned upside down. It wasn't Melody, it was James. “James! James, wake up! James!!!” I was almost screaming.
He was breathing, but I felt that he was very weak. “Laura, it's you... Are you happy now?”
I didn't want to listen. “James, what has happened? How can I help you? Let me run call somebody!”
“No, no... Wait, Laura, if this is what I am thinking, then nobody can help.” He was talking really slowly.
“What is that? How can I help? Tell me what to do!!!”
He smiled. I didn't see it, I felt it. “Now, don't interrupt me, please. I love you more than anybody else in this world, you and Melody, and I would do anything to make you happy. Tell me, are you happy with Ray now?”
“Wait, how do you know..? James, don't talk about this right now, tell me what has happened to you!” My voice sounded weird like I was going to cry.
“This...”
“What - this? Explain, please!”
“What's going on with me... This is a payment for you and Ray being happy. Actually, I don't...”
“What are you talking about? Hey I'll just go call a...” He didn't hear me, he was just talking. “Actually, I don't have a right to live on this Earth. Last three years, I was alive only thanks to Ray. Once, when I almost died, he saved me, but what happened to him was terrible: to save me, he had to sacrifice half of his soul. Since then, I was living with a half of his soul, and he also has only a half...”
I was shaking my head all the time as he was talking. “James, you need to see a doctor, this is a delusion!”
He continued, but this time he was whispering. Energy was slowly leaving him. “A person can live with the half a soul, but it would not be a normal person... With half a soul, it's impossible to love; you need your whole soul for this feeling. That's why I am dying: Ray realized that he loves you, and now he needs this half of his soul back. To let him love you, I have to die.”
“What are you talking about, James?” I was in hysterics.
“This is true.” He whispered almost soundlessly.
“No, no and no one more time.” As I continued denying his words, I thought about that expression in Ray's eyes - expression of unbearable pain. What if all this was true? I looked at James and tightly squeezed his hand. It was awfully cold. He whispered, “Good luck, Laura.” His hand relaxed and his breath stopped. I thought that I was holding corpse’s hand, but I was wrong. There was one sound in the silence of immovable darkness, the sound that turned me back to reality, the sound that made me run along that cursed hallway as fast as I could. It was the sound of James's heartbeat. If I understood everything right, there was an opportunity to save James, and I wasn't going to miss it. I flew into the party room as crazy. No one paid attention, though - it was kind of a normal behavior for the Halloween night. Ray, find Ray... I looked around. Everything was like in a slow motion: movements of dancing people, their smiles, and music sounded like it was miles away. Ray was near the opposite wall of the room. He was looking for me and when he didn't see me, he turned and walked slowly to an exit, with his head down. I couldn't let him go now. I wasn't sure about how much time I had, so I just started running through the dancing crowd. Ten seconds that were needed to run from one side of the room to another one seemed an eternity to me. I pushed someone, but didn’t even stop to apologize, then someone stepped on the hem of my dress and I felt how the delicate fabric torn. My only goal was to reach Ray before he left. Ten more steps… He put his hand on the door handle. Five more steps… He opened the door. “Ray!!!”
His shoulders shuddered and he turned to me as quick as thought. Faster than I could stop him, he hugged me with one hand and pulled to him. I snuggled to his chest and closed my eyes. I already knew what I was going to do, the plan matured in my head when James told me about connection between love and souls. I must do it. Now or never. Without opening my eyes, I pushed him away from me. “Ray, what’s going on?”
A light confusion flashed in his eyes. Then he smiled. “Something we both were waiting for so long!”
I forced myself to portray mockery on my face. “Oh… Come on, man, did you believe in what I told you?”
Right after I said that, I felt like someone invisible put a knife into my heart. Ray looked directly into my eyes and said with confidence that almost killed me. “Of course I believed, Laura. I know that it’s true.”
Okay. Now I should laugh, laugh loudly and derisively. “Are you kidding me, Ray? Did you take it seriously? I mean… That was a joke, maybe a silly joke, well I'm sorry then.”
That someone invisible, created by my imagination, slowly put a knife deeper into my heart, causing an awful pain. ‘I promised to never hurt him’ – suddenly came to my head. Before I thought that nothing in the world could force me to do that.
Ray didn’t answer for endlessly long fifteen seconds, and then replied in a strained voice. “But I wasn’t joking. I love you.”
The knife pierced through me and came out from the back. How come am I still alive? ‘I love you too, Ray’ - I thought, but a flashback of cold James’s hand was too fresh in my memory. I slowly said, “I don’t love you, Ray, sorry.” And in case if it didn’t sound convincing, I added, “I mean you are a cool guy, Ray, and a good friend. But… Excuse me, of course, but look at yourself! You’ve got nothing that a girl may love you for. You are not that handsome, not extremely smart, not fashionable at all…” Oh my God, what the nonsense am I talking about? “…and you are poor, Ray! Who wants a boyfriend like that?”
His black eyes became clouded for a second and then turned back to normal. I knew what has happened. I reached my goal. He slowly, gradually forced himself to smile, and then suddenly broke out laughing, but that was a laugh full of bitterness. “Laura,” he said, “I am an idiot! Yes, I am! Two years of my life I wasted on something that wasn’t worth it.”
I could hear contempt in his voice. He turned around, opened the door and left. I stayed. The invisible creature took the knife out of my heart and carefully cleaned the blade from my blood. I was dead. But only in my imagination. I wish you knew, Ray, I wish you knew why I did this! He was the one whom I loved, the one who was the entire world for me, the one whom I lived for. His life was my life, his pain was my pain, and now my love became his hatred. I made him hate me; I ruined everything I have ever wanted even before it started, and… I made him suffer. And it was worse than anything else to realize that this was my deliberate choice. If I had to choose between James’s and Ray’s life, I couldn’t make a choice, I knew that. This time I had a choice between James’s life and Ray’s happiness. Nothing can be compared to a life.
I didn’t hear James when he came. He leaned over me and whispered, “Thank you, Laura. Thank you.”
I nodded because my ability to speak evaporated. James was here, alive and safe, and this was the reason why I did all that I did, so I, probably, should be happy. Clip-clop of someone’s high heels brought me out of my thoughts. Melody looked extremely happy and excited about something she couldn’t wait to share, so she started without waiting for us to ask. “Friedrich… asked me… to be a couple again!” She looked at James and me in expectation of kickback. I smiled and said pretty honestly. “That’s… Great, Melody!”
Life continued.
Four years later
“James, Melody, and I had an amazing unforgettable summer after graduation. After that, our paths diverged. Melody, after she graduated from high school, decided to travel to Europe with Friedrich and stayed in Germany to study. Melody is nineteen now, and she is a young woman of unearthly beauty and outstanding mind. We talk with her regularly on Skype, maybe once or twice per month. As far as I know, she is still with Friedrich, and they are going to marry. I don’t want to force her to do or not to do this. It’s her life, and I want her to make her own decisions, even if in my opinion they are wrong.
I decided to stay in China and study International Marketing in the Beijing Normal University, one of China’s best. I concentrated on my studies and by the end of the first year already had a job. I met one guy there, named Dan, and gradually I fell in love with him. I love our relationship – honest, full of trust and understanding, and I really love him. He reminds me of Ray a little bit, but only because of his appearance. He has got black eyes, same as Ray’s, same black curly hair and brown skin, but his character and way of behavior is totally different. I know that I love Dan, not the part of Ray that I sometimes see in him. We are together now, and he is like my sunshine. I guess he loves me even more than I do if, of course, this is possible.
James… My older brother who replaced a father for me, the best person whom I ever knew. Three years after he moved to the United States, he perished in a car accident. He was 20. Before it happened, I talked with him almost every day – on Skype, on cell phone, or we just sent messages to each other. We discussed so many things, but there were also so many things left that we didn’t have time to talk about. I remember that on the evening before he died, we were talking about our old school, about that windy Halloween night long time ago. I asked him if it was truth about the souls, and he said yes. James said that if he died, his part of Ray’s soul would come back to the ‘legal holder’. In my memory, I came back to that Halloween night hundreds, thousands times, until it became no more than a vague, dim recollection. The only thing that I always remembered about that night was James’s willingness to die. Only now, so much time later, I realized that I will never find another person like James in my life – the person who was ready to die just to make me happy. He will always be alive in my memory.
As for Ray, since our graduation I have never seen him anymore. He just vanished from my life, turned into an incorporeal ghost in the backyard of my memory. After James’s death, I once thought about the story of souls. James’s death meant that Ray’s soul came back to him, reunited with another half and… It gave him ability to love. I’ve heard that he has a girlfriend, a girl named Leah. If I’m not wrong, she graduated from our school in the same year as Melody. I hope and believe with all my heart that Ray is happy now. My belief that I was right then, four years ago, strengthens with each passing day. I thought that I lost the greatest love of my life and foredoomed both Ray and myself on life without love… Now I realize that it was just a youthful maximalism, not a reasonable thinking. Sacrificing for the sake of people whom you love, as James tried to do, is very noble, but in some cases the thing for which you are going to sacrifice and your sacrifice itself just can’t be compared.”
I put the pen on the table and hid the notebook among old history books on the highest shelf. It wasn’t my diary, I have never kept diary in my life, but sometimes, when things that disturb me accumulate in my head and I can’t share with anybody, I transfer them onto paper. It helps.
The sudden knock at the door made me flinch, but I knew that it was Dan. Today he was going to introduce me to his family, and, frankly speaking, I was nervous. I have never seen any of them before because they lived in New Zealand where Dan was originally from. I threw a quick glance in the mirror and opened the door. He was there, smiling. He was always smiling, and that was one of the numerous reasons why I loved him. I felt how the warmth has spread over my body because of his presence. “Let’s go, Laura?”
I locked the door and turned my face to him. “Dan, and what if they?..”
He kissed me on the cheek and said softly, “No ‘what if’, remember? Everything is going to be perfect, I promise. Do you believe me?”
“Of course I do.”
We reached his house in five minutes because it was on the other side of the street. His mother, a graceful beautiful woman of average height, met us at the door. She hugged me and invited us to the room where, as I already knew, Dan’s father and brother were waiting for me. Dan lightly touched my hand as he noticed that I became nervous again, and let me into the room before him.
The words that I have prepared in advance stuck in my throat when I saw two men who turned to me. One of them slowly stood up and said one word. “Laura?”
After an infinitely long second, I breathed and replied, also in one word. “Ray?”
Sometimes, there is no place for a reasonable thinking.
