Land description

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Hey everyone,
So I finally found some time to write, and this is what popped into my head. Please give me your opinion, harsh or other wise :) Thank you


Not a single drop of light could penetrate the prison wall of darkness that covered the land. Miles and miles of barren, untamed soil, deprived of the fingers of light that lusted to reach the ground. The heavy grey clouds floated above with little regard for the abundance of life that once dared to roam below it.
The land beneath held no life; once many moon cycles before, this land would have been laden with life. Presently the only thing that inhabited the cracked and dry surface was the sinister shadows of the stormy clouds above.
Lightning suddenly lit the sky. The bright blue stream of light descended from the mighty heavens, striking the Earth with all its might, then thunder echoed in the distance. A tremendously loud roar, which would have shook even the strongest rock from its stable seat. It seemed like nothing more could fill the sky, seemed like the sky would burst and would fall if one more element was added to it. However this prediction proved false. Another flash of lightning lit the sky; another bang of thunder entombed the sky. Without warning of its sudden appearance, monstrous tears of rain belted to the ground. The parched ground absorbed the drops of rain as fast as a sponge. Soon enough the tears of rain turned into a flood of gush of water, it was almost like someone had turned a tap on in the sky.
Steams of water ran rapidly over the land leaving its own brand along its path. In no less than a blink of the mortal eye the premises was concealed in what seemed like an ocean of water. The water appeared to congregate it what seemed to be the middle of nowhere and stayed there.
It rained continually, and the ground consumed the steady downfall, yet that one single spot continued to full with water creating a large pool of crystal clear liquid.
Then the last drops of rain fell from the sky as the rain stopped. The menacing dark clouds started to dissipate in the sky, and small golden rays of light broke through from the clouds. The rays illuminated and engulfed the land.
Over time tiny buds of life started to appear on the land again. Blades of new bright green grass started to emerge from the ground, miniature signs of life were making themselves known. Small twigs stood over the land, brown lifeless land now held promise. Yet the pool of water was left untouched; clear, cool water.
Over 30 moon cycles later and the once barren land teemed with life. Long lavish blades of emerald green grass ranged all over the land. Bright blossoming flowers in colourful bursts were scattered everywhere. Trees that were once no bigger that twigs stood tall and proud, with thick branches coated in large leaves. They seemed to be protecting all the life that accepted its shade. Animals both big and small ate in harmony, even at the mercy of the food chain. Animals roamed everywhere, yet they all gathered around the place, where the water congregated in that long storm; the place where the water was still crystal clear and never left.




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Scenary isn't usually my thing. I can't find the difference in beauty between a waterfall and a brick wall. But this was a really good description. Albeit, it was just that (but you did tell us that it was a description). May I ask what this was for? Is it a test piece for another story? Just a description to show us a picture?
Not a single drop of light could penetrate the prison wall of darkness that covered the land. Miles and miles of barren, untamed soil, deprived of the fingers of light that lusted to reach the ground. #FF0000 ">Heavy grey clouds floated above with little regard for the abundance of life that once dared to roam below.

The first sentence sounds a bit wierd regarding tense, but that is just me. The second sentence is a frament that doesn't fit. You're describing the land, but you need some sort of transition between the two.

The land beneath held no life; once many moon cycles before, this land would have been laden with life. Presently the only thing that inhabited the cracked and dry surface #FF0000 ">were the sinister shadows of the stormy clouds above.

You use life in quick succession three times. For the last one, I suggest replacing it with, "animals and vegetation." Love the use of 'moon cycles' rather than months.

#FF0000 ">Lightning suddenly lit the sky. The bright#FF0000 ">, blue stream of light descended from the mighty heavens, striking the Earth with all its might#FF0000 ">. Then thunder echoed in the distance. #FF0000 ">It was tremendously loud roar, which shook even the strongest rock from its stable seat. It seemed like nothing more could fill the sky, #FF0000 ">it seemed like the sky would burst and would fall if one more element was added to it. However this prediction proved false. Another flash of lightning lit the sky; another bang of thunder entombed the sky. Without warning of its sudden appearance, monstrous tears of rain belted to the ground. The parched ground absorbed the drops of rain as fast as a sponge. Soon enough#FF0000 ">, the tears of rain turned into a flood of gush of water, it was like someone had turned a tap on in the sky.

There has been no action thus far so I feel 'suddenly' isn't needed. Rather than using that sentence, describe it in an action instead. Say, "A bolt of lightning crashed from the sky." That shows an action and let's us know that something tremendous happened. There's another fragment after the thunder to describe it. Use a comma to fuse the two together or just split it into another sentence (which I did as an example). The sentence I underlined seems so out of place. You go from a description to almost talking to the reader. I suggest removing it completely and say something like, "But one more element did fall..." also, a gradual build up would be better as well. Little rain drops, then huge ones.

Steams of water ran rapidly over the land#FF0000 ">, leaving its own brand along its path. In no less than a blink of the mortal eye#FF0000 ">, the premises was concealed in what seemed like an ocean of water. The water appeared to congregate it what seemed to be the middle of nowhere and stayed there.

There is a lot of "wishy-washy" comments in the piece. Be firm with what you say. If you don't believe what you are saying, then how will the reader believe it? As the writer, you have the power to say what you want. It doesn't have to 'appeared to be like something'. In your world, IT IS.

It rained continually and the ground consumed the steady downfall, yet that one single spot continued to #FF0000 ">fill with water#FF0000 ">, creating a large pool of crystal clear liquid.

Then the last drops of rain fell from the sky as the rain stopped. The menacing dark clouds started to dissipate in the sky and small golden rays of light broke through from the clouds. The rays illuminated and engulfed the land.

Illuminating and engulfing a land with rays are practically the same thing. Use one and chuck the other.

Over time#FF0000 ">, tiny buds of life started to appear on the land again. Blades of new bright#FF0000 ">, green grass started to emerge from the ground#FF0000 ">; miniature signs of life were making themselves known. Small twigs stood over the land, brown lifeless land now held promise. Yet the pool of water was left untouched; clear #FF0000 ">and cool.

Over 30 moon cycles later#FF0000 ">, the once barren land teemed with life. Long#FF0000 ">, lavish blades of emerald green grass ranged all over the land. Bright blossoming flowers in colourful bursts were scattered everywhere. Trees that were once no bigger that twigs stood tall and proud, with thick branches coated in large leaves. They seemed to be protecting all the life that accepted its shade. Animals both big and small ate in harmony, even at the mercy of the food chain. Animals roamed everywhere, yet they all gathered around the place, where the water congregated in that long storm; the place where the water was still crystal clear and never left.

You mention grass in the last paragraph and this one. Again, I suggest only mentioning it in one of them. In the first paragraph, how about talking about buds or saplings? The mention of grass twice gets repetitive. The only other thing I have to say is that food chain is a kind of sciency word, where as everything else was related to nature.
If words are just letters put together, why do we decide on what they mean?

I step away from the grammar to review the story.

I don't do poetry.




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Hi there!

This was a really, really great piece! The description was just, amazing. I enjoyed reading it. It painted a decorated picture in my head. I could see the barren land, the storm clouds rolling in, the storm shaking the land. Great job!

Here's a few corrections I have to make, mostly just of sentences that sounded awkward.

The bright blue stream of light descended from the mighty heavens, striking the earth with all its might#BF0000 ">. Then thunder echoed in the distance, a tremendously roar...

What you had earlier was a little bit mixed up. You put the thunder booming in the same sentence as the lightning strike, but then described the tunder in the next sentence. I feel the thunder description should be in the same sentence as the thunder. Make sense?

It seemes like nothing more could fill the sky, seemed like the sky would burst...

I don't see the point in you repeating the word 'seemed' here. I think it flows perfectly well without it.

Soon enough the tears of rain turned into a flood of gush of #BF0000 ">of gushing water, it was almost like someone had turned #BF0000 ">on a tap on in the sky.

I just think this sentence was worded awkwardly. I understand exactly what you were trying to say, so I re-wrote it another way. Hopefully this makes sense.

I really enjoyed this piece. It was written very well and the descpription was wonderful. Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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I can't even describe how much i like this description! It's awesome, it's so...so lively, so real. To be honest, descriptions of nature are one of my favorite things to write about. Even though some people find it boring, I think it's always interesting to read for those who can imagine everything that is described. The only small thing I think you can change is:
"Then the last drops of rain fell from the sky as the rain stopped." - you say "rain" twice in one sentence, but in this case repetition doesn't sound good. Better change it to "Then the last drops fell from the sky as the rain stopped".
Overall, great!



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