R & D

This was really I good and the miles davis reference was perfect....

"It’s like I’m playing with the wires of a bomb."

That's a great and actually humorous image.

Punctuating the dialogue with these lines helped to capture the nervousness and weight in the situation, and I want to say naivete as well.

"The waterbed makes every movement more awkward"

"Now I feel a shame like in the translator recounting a killer’s confession in first person."

I think there might be a little grammar error in this one: "like in a translator" perhaps?

"The mood intensifies..."

Now, without knowing the prompt I can't really say whether or not you hit the nail on the head. Otherwise, on it's own you've done a great job of capturing a cute moment.

Something else you might want to think about is that there might be a little bit of a disconnect of where the story starts out: a cock block running Victoria's secret and the ending: the guy trying to figure it out for himself. But with only a 150 words it's not that big of a deal, just something to consider.

Hello there.

I thought this story was funny, and really good if you consider you only had 150 words. Not much details, but who cares! The way you've written your story, it's not a problem.

I agree with Modernist, it would be better to actually tell us your subject, and not just the number. Because a number doesn't tell me anything, but a word... That I can truly understand.

Also, I think the beginning could be better. It took me a few times to fully understand the first paragraph, because I felt like I was missing a few sentences.

Apart from that, it's great. Your grammar was good, and the subject was funny... I don't think I have anything else to say.

Keep writing! And good luck for the contest.

-Other One

Hello Ryanke,

This made me laugh and really brightened my day a bit. It's so funny, really. And, though I've never had to go through the troubles of taking off another girl's bra, I do understand where you're coming from. Bra's can be difficult to snap and take off.

There is just one thing that bothered me. I had a bit of an understanding problem with the following line:

Now I feel a shame like in the translator recounting a killer’s confession in first person.

Mostly the "a shame like in the" part of this sentence gives me problems. I feel as if it should be "a shame like a".

If this is not the case please explain. My comprehension skills have been failing me a lot today so the sentence probably makes complete sense and it is likely that I am just not getting it.

ReiseP.

Hilarious!

Some comments:
-Not entirely sure if you're effectively "challenging gender roles." I know the voice doesn't necessarily lend itself to thought-provoking analysis and questions that stick in the mind...but perhaps something could've been slipped in a la some Salinger sort of off-hand, pissed off mood.

-The ***** and ***** don't really do it for me. Just cuss. Spell out what you feel. You're pissed off about the maker of bras. You're being foiled by some stupid manufacturer and being kept from life's most basic purpose of engaging in acts of reproduction. You've navigated all the looks, false looks, glances, touches, conversational pitfalls, brushed your teeth, didn't go to the bathroom too much, did what was expected of you, and made it to the bedroom...and now, a stupid little hook on a bra is stopping you. Be angry!

-

The mood intensifies...

I don't like that. It's cheap. It's throwaway. And it makes it look like he's trying on the bra while they're still in the act...which I hope he's not.

-

(as I’m trying on her bra).

I don't like that, either. Tell us in some other way.

-

She throws on a t-shirt and leaves.

I hope not forever. A girl would never leave her Victoria's Secret bra like that. That thing's expeeeensive! And darn comfortable (from what I hear). It's hard to find one that comfortable otherwise. No girl's gonna leave behind that expensive, comfortable bra behind.

-

I could use his “pimp-mode” hands right now.

I know that's your voice and those are the words you chose and so that makes it true. But, still, I'm not a fan of the line. It sounds like you're joking with your friends, not like you're frustrated in the moment.

It’s like I’m playing with the wires of a bomb, but all I want is to set these glorious tits free.

Good line.

Pinch. Ow!

Like. Direct and sounds like stage directions, which fits the mood of "What do I do now?"

Now I feel a shame like in the translator recounting a killer’s confession in first person.

I like the idea, but not the wording. It took a reread to figure it out. Could be more straightforward, I think.

Anyway. An enjoyable read. But it has a little more potential.

Ha. This is clever, very clever. You have taken a very cliche act - when dealing with this theme anyway! - any you have made it unique and funny. You set it up brilliantly, it is all very awkward, then at the conclusion it is awkward for another reason. I don't really have any negatives about this piece, it is so light and humorous, that you fail to draw upon any real gender issues. I don't know enough about the characters, at no fault of your own, to really care for them. I think you have been very liberal about your approach to the theme, not strictly sticking to the serious, but rather exploring what appears to be a first experience for your MC, and his err distraction with the bra. The title is also clever, it plays upon a couple of ideas, at first it seems only to refer to the designers at Victorias secret, then it seems to highlight this boys, learning curve, his research and his development. So well done, I really had to scratch my head to find anything lacking.

Good luck!