Kill Her Swiftly Chapter 2 - Lord, Forgive Me

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1133
Reviews 20
Spoiler
Okay so this is really, really, REALLY rough. I've written this chapter about seven times. This one was done at two AM (that's when I finally gave up). I'll surely rewrite it again, but I need your help first. *falls on knees* I plead your assistance!


Chapter Two
Loki
Lord, Forgive me...

“Is he here?”
“I can’t seem to find him.”
“Oh, glory be, that boy is a natural.”
Voices rang in my ears. Footsteps. They were coming closer. Should I run away? Should I stay put?
“I think I see him.”
“Well hurry up and get to him. They will be here soon.”
They were male. I felt myself being lifted off the ground. My eyes were shut tight. Could I open them? I had no idea. Would I try? Not a chance.
“Is he dead?”
“He has a pulse. Weak, but it’s still something.”
“He’s dying, Enoch. Inside and out.” The man that picked me up, who I guessed was Enoch, tightened his hands around me.
“Call Fairfax. He’ll know what to do.”
As soon as I opened my eyes, I was knocked out.

Most people would freak out when you wake up in an unknown place. A place in which it smelt strongly of disinfectant, antiseptic, and vitamins. I expected myself to be freaked out that I was hooked to a machine giving me some kind of fluid and another which was reading my heart. I felt like a lab rat, but still, I stayed serene. My vision was still hazy, but I could make out about four people in the room. One was dressed in a beige suit and a top hat. The other looked fairly normal, wearing blue jeans and a stained tee shirt. The woman looked high class in a Victorian dress and her hair in a high and tight bun.
The last one, the one seeming to stand out the most, was a young man. He had long black hair and flawless skin, dressed in a black tailcoat and white gloves. The man looked at me. His eyes were yellow.
Yellow.
Yellow...
Yellow and orange flames. It all came rushing back to me. The room suddenly grew hotter. The smell of burning flesh filled my every breath. Fire. Screams. Cries for mercy.
Gasoline.
I smelled gasoline.
I started to wail.
“Put him to sleep,” Someone said. “Just put the goddamn kid to sleep.”
Something pricked my skin.
Everything became fuzzy and soon, drifted away into nothing but darkness.

When I woke up I was in a different place. This time I looked at light green walls and mahogany bedroom appliances. Someone opened the blinds, sending sunlight to wash in the room, hitting my eyes at the same time. I sat up, my head pounding. I held it and groaned. Where was I?
“Be careful, you’re not fully recovered.” Where had I heard that voice before?
In front of me were the four people I had met before, plus one. A girl, about three or four years younger than me. She had long black silky hair and bright baby blue eyes. She hung onto the man in the beige suit’s pants, staring at me.
The one with the yellow eyes cleared his throat, averting my attention to him.
“You must be confused. My name is Sirius Fairfax. I have revived you, and I now live to serve you. You are now Loki Ravenwood, taken in by Enoch and Eliza Ravenwood. It is the year 2000, and you have been asleep for only a few hours, to our surprise.”
“Are you sure it’s okay to fill him in with so much information?” The lady—Eliza—asked, her voice full of panic. Sirius raised one gloved hand. The whole room grew silent once again. Sirius pointed to the little girl.
“This is Eira Ravenwood, daughter of Enoch and Eliza Ravenwood. I hope you two will get along. This,” He pointed to the man in blue jeans. “Is Frank Warren, friend of Enoch and Eliza Ravenwood.”
“Daddy, why does he smell that way?” Eira whispered. Enoch shushed her, but Frank just laughed.
“Can someone please wash that boy? Even your daughter said it, Enoch. He smells worse than a sewer.” Eira straightened, looking right at me.
“I’ll do it,” She insisted. “I’ll wash him.”
“Very well. I shall help you take him to the bathroom.” Sirius lifted me, his body smelling like tea and scones, and exited the room with Eira following close at his tail. In the bathroom Sirius let me down on my feet. He bowed before leaving me alone with the girl.
We stood there like that for a moment. She stared at me and I looked at the floor. My head pounded. Everything hurt, including my heart.
Eira began to remove my clothing. She didn’t seem to worry that we were both different genders, so I didn’t either. She ran the water and I just waited, naked and cold. Soon enough, I was in the warm water and she had a soapy sponge on my bare skin.
“My father said you came from the Middleton Manor,” Eira said. “He told me not to tell you because you might start to cry again.”
I didn’t say a word.
“I found it quite odd, or as you would say, petculiar?”
“Peculiar,” I corrected. She made a small noise.
“I always heard you speaking with big words around the Middleton kids. Then they’d make fun of you.” I nodded, remembering, although, I never remembered Eira being there.
“I studied a lot on my spare time. Watched. Read. Collected information.” I explained.
“Hmm...I have maids to read to me.” She paused. “You’re not a survivor of the fire, are you?”
“No.” She sighed.
“I thought so. You smelled like gas.” I looked down at the water.
“Are you scared?”
Eira’s blue eyes found mine. She held them for the longest moment possible. And then, for the first time, she smiled.
“No. Just interested. And fascinated.”
Last edited by TheCrimsonQuill on Sat Aug 13, 2011 2:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1532
Reviews 153
This is a really good chapter. I was seriously waiting for you to write/submit chapter two and this is a great success. One thing I will say is that it's a little rushed of where he is taken to be revived. It's your choice of what you want to do it but I kind of see it as being rushed. Like.....his emotions aren't really expressed in here. I know you said in the previous chapter that he had no feeling at all but still. He's human....he should be at least feeling something. I don't expect you to go on and on about how he is feeling and where he is but still. That's the only comment I have but other than....this is a great chapter.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
-Nicki Minaj




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 10840
Reviews 202
Hi Crimson :)
I wonder why you hate this chapter. It's not bad at all :D

Things I liked

I like how Sirius speaks in a strange way to Loki as if he was kind of crazy and needed everything to be explained. I also liked how Frank said he smelled like a sewer in front of Loki. It kind of shows what they think of Loki.

I also liked how Eira seemed to treat Loki better than everyone else. Will Eira become an important character?

I thought pacing was good and I liked how you made Loki wail a bit. It helped reminding that Loki was still a person who still had feelings.

Things I want to point out :)

One thing I want to point out is "This is Eira Ravenwood, daughter of Enoch and Eliza Ravenwood. I hope you two will get along. This," He pointed to the man in blue jeans. "Is Frank Warren, friend of Enoch and Eliza Ravenwood."
I think it should be "This is Eira Ravenwood, daughter of Enoch and Eliza Ravenwood. I hope you two will get a long. This," he pointed to the man in blue jeans, "is Frank Warren, friend of Enoch and Eliza Ravenwood."
I added a comma after 'blue jeans' because Enoch's sentence wasn't finished.

Another thing is that I'd be pretty embarrassed if someone from the opposite gender saw me naked. Of course, Loki is only 8 (and don't really seem to mind) but I wondered whether his level of maturity (and personality) would make him feel a little embarrassed.

To end with

I liked how nothing was explained, so I still have unanswered questions in my head. In fact, you made more questions arise in my head! Why are his eyes yellow? Why do they treat him a little bit different? How come Loki wasn't a survivor when he's still alive? etc.

Notify me when the next chapter is up :) I hope I helped!

Mac




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1078
Reviews 13
I really enjoyed the chapter, it was great! However, I feel that it was a bit fast paced, him being captured, knocked out, and waking back up. Alot of the time, when I'm trying to use up space, and space out my story to keep it from being fast paced, I use memories, flashbacks, or anything like that. It usually let's the reader learn about the character, as well as keep the story at a steady pace. However, ovrerall, it is great! Kep writing, I'm liking the novel so far!
Society teats each of us like an always burning candlestick. We reject immediate deformities, and throw ourselves away when we've lost our flame. Then we clean away any evidence of the wax...




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 274
Reviews 20
I really like Loki's character, he's very well developed. Another great chapter, this idea is very fascinating. :D
"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." -Albert Einstein




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Hey Crimson, still Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

As soon as I opened my eyes, I was knocked out.


Wait, how? Did they hit him? I'm confused. Maybe you can describe the actual act of knocking him out...

“Put him to sleep,” Someone said. “Just put the goddamn kid to sleep.”


Someone with a small "s."

“I’ll do it,” She insisted. “I’ll wash him.”


Again, small 's." It's only following a comma, after all, it's not a new sentence.

She didn’t seem to worry that we were both different genders, so I didn’t either.


Unless they're German nouns... there are only two genders. The "both" is redundant.

II. OVERALL

What an excellent follow-on! Again, however, there are a few things I find strange about it. If he's eight, and she's younger than him, that means she's, what, four, five? And they leave the two of them alone and leave her to care for the invalid? Strikes me as weird... unless he's not eight. It's difficult to tell exactly. Then the other thing is why are they all dressed like they've just stepped out of a steampunk novel? It's pretty cool and surreal, but Loki doesn't really pass comment except to describe their clothes. Doesn't ask them why they're wearing them or anything, and then there's just a guy in jeans, so it's not like they and Loki have all time-travelled, since Loki recognises this one as the normal one. I'd just expect more of a reaction from him- I know he doesn't react much to his surroundings either, but he doesn't even think about how weird this is, or how weird it is that they specifically tell him the year. Why is that important?

So, another strong part, but it's got a few holes that I think really need fixing.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan