Night Birds- Please comment

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Birds in the night,
Their cries of fright,
Make a camper wonder
What on Earth could make them sound
Like clouds of frightening thunder.

He stands up from the forest floor
and strolls out upon the moor
To see what terror lurks so near
That threatens the quiet solitude
And startles the birds and their skittish fear.

A shadow hovers in the night
From the moon’s soft golden light,
A shadow here, a shadow there
That makes the camper frightened
What is it, this foul thing that creeps forth from it’s lair.

It might devour the camper and birds
Or maybe just come to watch the herds
Of many a golden, brown, moor mare.
He should go back to his warm fire,
A be comforted by its bright, orange flare.

The shadow gets larger and comes down near
The camper is overwhelmed with fear,
Into the light the night owl flies
Through the night and cool spring air
To end the sparrows short, sweet, lives.




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I love the rhyme structure, but it seems as if you were forcing the rhymes. Please don't - it just butchers the beauty that you have here. By the way, this belongs in Narrative Poetry, I think...
Carpe Diem.




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xanthan gum wrote:I love the rhyme structure, but it seems as if you were forcing the rhymes. Please don't - it just butchers the beauty that you have here.


I agree with the above.

I just loved it in general. Your description of certain things was nice.

:thumb:
Cuz I'm praying for rain and I'm praying for tidal waves.
I wanna see the ground give way. I wanna watch it all go down.




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Thanks, guys. I'm glad you liked it.
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

"Computer... Captain's musk"




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I like your beginning :) and as said above, I agree.
also in the end your stanza's get fuller.... which makes it look a bit odd overall

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your rhyming structure is excellent ;)
I should not keep on, I'll just creep on creepin'on.




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Thanks. ^_^ I could always use crits. hehe... thanks again.
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

"Computer... Captain's musk"




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Pretty Pros. ^_^ I know a lot of people on here haven't read your other poetry, but I think this is by far one of your very best. :wink:




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WHY thankyou! I really didn't expect this many crits. WOW!!!! :D
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

"Computer... Captain's musk"




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That's cause we all love your avatar... XD.

I mean, c'mon, it's Mrvica... (you should have heard me explaining all this to David, it was hilarious...) ^_^




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The rhythm scheme fits in with the dark, tense language you used to describe the Nightbirds' appearance, which kept me interested. You created a brilliant atmosphere, but I also agree that the rhyming was forced in some parts (maybe because of the fourth line which is free form, so it might not flow properly).

It tells a supense-filled story which I enjoyed. Keep It Up!




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What gummy said.

And nice job Pros! I'll have to look out for more of your poetry! :D

Wiggy ;)
"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth

Got YWS?




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I think they all like you, Pros... ^_^




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Mrvica... lol. ;)

Well done, Pros! I really enjoyed this. I like your choice of rhyming structure, and the imagery is excellent.

I'm looking forward to reading more of your poetry!
David Guinness




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" Lovely. Absoloutly enchanting. Will take the reader into the forest to hear the sounds themselves."




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unfortunately, I haven't written that much poetry. I tend to keep to sci-fi.
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

"Computer... Captain's musk"



For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn