Hell's Rollercoaster

Hello you,
Yes you.
How are you?
Doing well?
Here's a ticket
Down to hell.
For if you read on,
I shall warn,
You'll sin yourself,
And die forlorn.

You're still here,
Congratulations,
Now let's steer your soul,
to hell's probation.
Suck it up
and buckle up,
Shuffle down
and double up,
Are you ready? Here we go,
Keep on steady, and let's roll!

To your left
which you will see,
is the death
of history.
Ancient Egypt's
golden towers,
and Hussein's
hurricane powers.
Please don't mind
the Hitler 'stache,
we shaved it off
'cause of his rash.

To your right,
floating there,
is the feared
Future's lair.
Space shuttles
and beaming cars,
chocolate truffles
made on Mars.
The iPad 50,
laser knives,
razor blades
of children's cries.

To your front
where we are headed,
are the flames
which you dreaded.
See you have sinned
by taking this
dreaded ride
into abyss.
But as you burn
please take this poster,
of the infamous
Hell's Rollercoaster.

Ha! I liked this. It's catchy and funny. I didn't see any bad grammar or anything either. Not bad.

Hi,

I love the direct address to the reader in the first stanza and the opening lines of stanza two. The tone works very well overall.

I'd change "You'll sin yourself" to something like "You too will sin"/ "You will sin too."

I think that stanzas three to five tried to cover too much. I'd slow these stanzas down and add more stanzas. I'd also pick one region and time-frame only.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Haha, this was obviously original and really funny.. though a bit scarrrrry.. Love how you direct it to your readers, making them a part of the poem, without that this wouldn't have been much to hip hurray for but really.. now it is.. HURRRAYY! I agree on the points Jasmine pointed out but overall I think this was quite amazing ,and defintely cool!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

See ya in hell // Demoness

WOW! This is really good. You have a creative imagination and your grammar seems in order. I love it because you captivated me as a reader and enticed me to continue until the end.
Well done

Arggh, I keep telling myself not to comment on poetry, but whenever I see your poems, they're so bloody brilliant I can't not write a comment however ignorant it turns out to be!

Jeez, how do you do it? Although like the others said, the tone is scary, it actually works. I feel we all have sins and we hope that we don't sin enough to ride Hell's Rollercoaster! This was great, I can't stop saying it. Brilliant. And the first few lines are the best. Congratulations for not going to hell yet...go to probation. Wow, this was good. I know I'm gushing.
Everything was great, but there was one part that sort of caught me.

See you have sinned
by taking this
dreaded ride
into abyss.

I think it sort of broke up the rhythm and flow, since everything else flows perfectly and rhymes.
Anyways, what a hell of a job you did!

Hey!
J.K. I read that last part over again and it makes sense. Just forget I wrote that above. Well, not the comments since they were deserved.

Haha this is really cool:). I like the approach you used, and it was well executed. I've heard the Devil is supposed to be a real charming guy. So I liked the personality you delivered with such a short poem. The last line was just awesome as well. Great job keep writing:)

I love this so much! It is so hilarious! This is such a great poem I just can't get over it!
I love the absolute irony that the rhythm and rhyming make it sound happy and cheerful but the subject matter is more on the dark side. Your lines are divided up really nicely and so are your stanzas. I cannot find anything wrong with it grammar wise.
The end is quite frightening. But it is so very funny at the same time.
I applaud you! Amazing job! I definitely want to see more!
~Devan

Definetly very catchy and a thrilling ride

the poem is well written
and as for the grammer.....i don't see any mistakes...yet.

Keep up the good work and NEVER give up.

Nice! This poem had great rhyme and imagery, and displayed immense imagination! I have no critic for this. This poem's pace was just like a thrill ride, and made me laugh too! Great job and congrats on being featured!

Haha this really amused me! I especially loved how you made the reader the subject of the poem. It was very creative, and not many people can do it very well, but you pulled it off brilliantly! For grammar mistakes, there are none; and for other critiquing comments, they've already been said. Once again, I congratulate you for such a great poem! I hope to see more of your work on the featured page! Keep writing! BRAVO

ha I love this, it's great! No mistakes as far as I can see really this great

Hello you,
Yes you.
How are you?
Doing well?
Here's a ticket
Down to hell.
For if you read on,
I shall warn,
You'll sin yourself,
And die forlorn.

You're still here,
Congratulations,
Now let's steer your soul,
to hell's probation.
Suck it up
and buckle up,
Shuffle down
and double up,
Are you ready? Here we go,
Keep on steady, and let's roll!

To your left
which you will see,
is the death
of history.
Ancient Egypt's
golden towers,
and Hussein's
hurricane powers.
Please don't mind
the Hitler 'stache,
we shaved it off
'cause of his rash.

To your right,
floating there,
is the feared
Future's lair.
Space shuttles
and beaming cars,
chocolate truffles
made on Mars.
The iPad 50,
laser knives,
razor blades
of children's cries.

To your front
where we are headed,
are the flames
which you dreaded.
See you have sinned
by taking this
dreaded ride
into abyss.
But as you burn
please take this poster,
of the infamous
Hell's Rollercoaster.



All I have to say is, this is amazing! A little dark, a little real, a little of everything you know?
I think it's awesome!
As far as I could see, there wasn't anything that needed fixing or anything, so well done!
Keep writing!
You rock!

The beginning draws me in while humoring me and i like the "Please don't mind the Hitler 'stache, we shaved it off
'cause of his rash" even though it took me a while to process what 'stache meant. xD

Hell's rollercoaster sounds like an entertaining and scary ride.