The girl and water Prologue

I use to love the water. I loved how it smelled, looked, and even felt. But that was then, this is now. And my feelings have changed. Because, when your a child you view the world at a different perspective. When you see the water shine when the sun hits it. You think there are diamonds hidden just beneath the surface shimmering in the golden light of the sun. To give it that sparkly sheen. Or when the sunset is disappearing beyond the water line, you wonder if the sun is slowly sinking to the bottom of the dark ocean. Now that I'm older I see what danger lurks behind the armor of the deep sea.

I am fifteen. My name is Scarlett Fit and I just found out that both my parents have just died. I was sitting in the outdated police department when one of the very plump cops said to me. " Yup, they were just out there on that boat doing there own thing. And that storm just came out of no where." The bald officer didn't seem to care what was happening at the moment. Almost like he has given this speech a hundred times before.

I sat there and repeated the story in my head at least a hundred times. I was having a hard comprehending that I was never going to see either of my parents again. And then it hit me. "So, where will I live now?" I asked the fat officer. "I don't know of any family I have right off hand."

"Well, we didn't either until we looked at your file. And says here you have a Aunt named Skylar. She was your fathers half sister. She lives in North Carolina." I had only heard of my Aunt Sky once. My mother told me that one day when we were visiting her in North Carolina she and my father got into a huge argument and the police were called to escort my father out of her house. My mother called it a family "fall out" and told me we were never to talk of it.

"Will she take me in?"

"Yup, we sent her a letter telling her of her brothers untimely death and told her how you were now an orphan and sense she is your only living relative she can either take you in or send you the orphanage. If you put it in simple terms of course."I sat there in daze. It had just accorded to me that I was a orphan. I had no mother. I had no Father. I had no one to comfort me when I was upset or to give me advice when things go wrong. I have no one.

"But that didn't answer my question. Will she take me in..."




So I guess this is like a prologue to something I've been working on so if you could review it that would be awesome! (And tell me if I need to put some more paragraphs in because I know need too I'm just now sure where) ;P Haha so thank you! ( And the title will most likely change if I continue writing)

Hello! I like your story. I want to see more of it! Yes, I do think you might consider adding more paragraphs but that's a great start! Thumbs up! Um...just some corrections:

"I use to love the water." You should have written used instead of use to be uniform since your story is using the past tense of the verb.

"Because, when your a child..." I think you should've written: "Because, when you're a child..."

"...how you were now an orphan and sense she is your only living relative..." I think what you mean here is since and not sense.

'...course."I sat...' I think this is only a typo because I think you just forgot to put a space after the quotation mark.

Hope it'll help!

This review is mostly going to be about grammar.

stuff in blue are suggestions
#FF0000 ">stuff in red are things you really should change
stuff in green are my comments

I use#FF0000 ">d to love the water. I loved how it smelled, looked, and even felt. But that was then, and this is now. And My feelings have changed. Because,When your #FF0000 ">you're a child you view the world at from a different perspective. When you see the water shine when the sun hits it. You, you think there are diamonds hidden just beneath the surface, shimmering in the golden light of the sun. this sentence strikes me as a little too much. It's almost as if you tried too hard to make it detailed. To give it that sparkly sheen. I would really take this whole sentence out, but of course, it's your work. Or when the sunset is disappearing disappears beyond the water line, you wonder if the sun is slowly sinking to the bottom of the dark ocean. Now that I'm older, I see what danger lurks behind the armor of the deep sea.

I am fifteen. Personally, I wouldn't start off by stating this girl's age. It's almost... tacky. My name is Scarlett Fit and I just found out that both my parents have just died. I was sitting in the outdated police department when one of the very plump cops said to me, " Yup, they were just out there on that boat doing there #FF0000 ">their own thing. And That storm just came out of no where." The bald officer didn't seem to care what was happening at the moment, Almost like he has #FF0000 ">had given this speech a #FF80FF ">hundred times before.
I sat there and repeated the story in my head at least a #FF80FF ">hundred times.

You use the term 'hundred times' too repetitively here. I would suggest changing the last one, you know, mix it up a bit.

"Well, we didn't either until we looked at your file. And says here you have a#FF0000 ">n #FF0000 ">aunt named Skylar. She was your fathers half sister. She lives in North Carolina." I had only heard of my Aunt Sky once. My mother told me that one day when we were visiting her in North Carolina, she and

orphan and sense I think you meant to say "since" she is your only living relative she can either take you in or send you the orphanage.

If you put it in simple terms, of course." (space here)I sat there in daze.

It had just accorded #FF0000 ">occurred to me that I was a#FF0000 ">n orphan. I had no mother. I had no Father. I had no one to comfort me when I was upset or to give me advice when things go went wrong. I have had no one.

The writing for this story does need a little work, I won't lie, but it's promising. It has a lot of potential to be something great. Keep on writing, cheers.

Okay so I'm not going to point out all the grammatical errors or anything, because everyone else has done it so it'd be a bit pointless..

I agree

confetti wrote:I am fifteen. Personally, I wouldn't start off by stating this girl's age. It's almost... tacky.

I think so too, I don't know why, but when early on in a story you state their age like that, it just doesn't.. er not sure how to word it but keep hold of her age until the right moment

Also, I didn't feel much emotion when she was thinking about when she got told about her parents, was she sad? hysterical? was she crying? All she said was "Where am I going to live?" That seems a bit strange to me.

Other that I thought it was really good! Keep writing, I will definitely read it!

Thanks everyone!

Hello.

I didn't enjoy really enjoy reading this, sad to say. Why? Because it was unrelatable. I could not relate emotionally or psychologically with you MC, for her feelings are unrealistic. Nothing about this story is realistic. I'm sorry. Now, I'll have a ramble about how this prologue can be improved.

Okay, so how was Scarlet unrelateable? Well, if I put myself in her shoes, and a police officer marched over and told me unsympathetically that my parents had just died, I'd collapse in hysterics. The main problem I have with this story is that it lacked emotion. That's basically why it's unrelateble. To move your readers, you have to strike a chord within them, make them feel for your MC because he/she is experienceing something painful and because they understand what it's like to experience that pain themselves. It's incredibly unrealistic to think that scarlet would just sit there, dry-eyed, mulling over the fact that her mom and dad had just died. Think about it - maybe she'd start shaking, saying: 'No! You've made a mistake!' Even when it sinks in she doesn't cry or show any real human emotion, the emotion a reader will relate to.

You are a good writer: the first paragraph is, given, a little dull, but on the whole well-written. But you lack descriptive flow. You don't explain the inner termoil scarlet's in when she learns of her parents' death. Also, the tone of this story does not reflect any sort of embittered mood. Wouldn't Scarlet be bitter, crippeled with grief? Instead, she sounds indifferent, happy-go lucky.
Basically, your prologue is made up of just words on a page. They pack no punch; leave me feeling deflated. You haven't an ounce of emotion weaved into your story.

Now, I'll move on to general nitpicks:

1)

oceanwriter99 wrote:outdated

- I think 'old-fashioned' would be a better word. You need to describe the precinct. Is is cold, smelly; dirty? If so - if there is an image in your head - tell your reader about it!

2)

oceanwriter99 wrote:Yup

The use of the word 'yup' just sounds tacky and doesn't do you any favours in the realism department.

3)

oceanwriter99 wrote:there

- Their

4) The police officer called Scarlet's relative 'Aunty Skylar' - you went on call her 'Aunty sky' - but then tell your reader that you've only met her once. What I'm getting at is the fact that nicknames are normally reserved for good friends and close family members. Stick with 'Aunty Skylar'.

Ok, so, that's about it. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh - I'm just giving my honest opinion. I hope you'll re-write this prologue, because I'd be interested with what you'd come back with. Anyway, have a good day, and I hope this helped!

~ Amelia