The Massiveness of How Sad It Is to Want Someone (1.1)

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Hey,

FIRST TO REVIEW! YESSS!


Anyway,

this was a little bit different from the last chapter, but just as good. It did leave more questions than answers. To be honest, I was hoping this was going for the cliche 'omg, that chick who found him is his one true love who dumped him and now she's going to take him to the hospital and confess that she lurvvves him!' route, because it's such a romantic sort of thing but now it seems like, hope I'm not wrong I'll sound like an idiot, Levi is with a guy? and the guy abuses him? If I'm not wrong, then bravo on finding such an original topic! Really! This is so fantastic! Couple nitpicks though:

I dont feel like doing quotes, but regarding this sentence "and she drags one of the red towels over the bottom half of my body. Even in my state, I can't help but notice the aghast look that crosses her face when she sees", I'm not understanding what she saw. I *think* it might be like a shriveled stump of a penis because of this sentence "She's talking about the other hurt, the terrible, horrible, ugly-- ' and it seems like the only logical explanation. You made a point of saying 'drags one of the red towels over the ***bottom half of my body****.' which means what she saw had to be on the bottom half of Levi's body so, uh, yeah. I hope I'm not sounding completely stupid. I was fasting all day so I might be going a bit nuts from dehydration.

The characters seem to be developing pretty well, though for some strange reason, Elise annoys me. I know, it's early, she's only said like 5 sentences so far in the novel, but first impressions last and she irritates me. It's not Elise's fault or anything, I'm just weird. Levi is, how do I say this...really depressing. That's all I've gotten from him in these two chapters. If my above mentioned thoughts are correct, then of course he has the right to be depressed, what with an abusive boyfriend and no penis? Hell yeah, I'd be depressed too, but I hope this isn't all we're going to see from him.

There's only a tiny bit more, I promise. About this sentence 'big and entrapping, sheltering people that would much rather be elsewhere, ***the only difference being that the houses are much better looking than any prison I've ever seen***'. I think it would be 10000000 times more better with that last bit taken out. The sentence and imagery and emotions and stuff are so much more effective without that last part, because to me, it just seems like an after thought and the babbling thoughts of a depressed guy who just slit his wrists naked in a bathtub. Well, that's what it is, but still. It's way better. Trust me.

Great ending, with the cliffhanger and this new Zach fella, who MIGHT BE THE ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND...but maybe not since Levi probably wouldn't be so rushed to visit the guy who cut his dick off, especially after he slit his wrists because the guy beat him.

Of course, this entire review (other than that paragraph on that sentence) might end up completely useless if I'm wrong. I hope I'm not. I hope I'm not like, really really far off. Like, so far off, I've traveled to Jupiter. or something. I dunno. I loved this. Write faster.


KBAI.

(Pm me if you have questions and actually, PM me even if you don't have questions because I want to know whether I was right about the abusive boyfriend and the dick-chopping and stuff.)

(Please excuse me if I offend you or anyone else who might happen to read this. I honestly didn't mean to. If I did.)


Grade: A

~jas

Dammit!!! I'm second to review. *pouts* Anyways, I am a fan of your writing (as you can see since I'm following you) and this is great!!!!! That's all I will say because I'm kind of not in the mood to do a really detailed review unless someone needs help and I'm pushed to do it. You have no issues in this and I can't wait to read the rest. Keep writing.

Hey there thatoddkid!

I enjoyed this part just as much as the first. You write with such ease that it makes me jealous to think that you're only 15 whereas I'm an O.A.P at 21 I really do want to praise you on how easy you make it to read your work. Everything flows nicely and your style of writing is great.

The poetic way in which you phrase parts is awesome. Sometimes authors alienate the reader when they try to give them information in flowery prose or when they try to give as little as they can so the author is kept guessing at what's really being said but you, my friend, don't have that problem at all.

I liked that we found out a little about Levi's background and his relationship with Elise was portrayed nicely. I liked how you made them comfortable around each other and the way in which you implied that Elise is a good friend to Levi - with the 'her words are always with him' line, - without full on saying, 'We've been friends for years.'

I don't have any nit-piks for you, apart from the fact that I wish you'd post more soon. I want to know more about Levi's relationship with Zach. It sounds like Levi puts up with a lot.

I hope this helps

Anna

FINALLY getting around to this, sorry about that.

I'm floating, riding a blood-deprived hallucination off my bed and out the window and down the street, past manicured lawns and houses like prisons -- big and entrapping, sheltering people that would much rather be elsewhere, the only difference being that the houses are much better looking than any prison I've ever seen.

I like where this statement starts, but I'm not a huge fan where it ends up. Personally, I feel like the sentence could end with "houses like prisons," with maybe a little bit of continuation in relation to the metaphor. I think in the second half of the sentence, you explain the metaphor too much. Allow the reader to use their imagination and fill in their own blanks about houses that are like prisons.

There it is -- or is it -- a feeling of disappointment.

Here, you unnecessarily split the sentence. It works just fine as, "There it is, a feeling of disappointment. Or is it?"

"You burned them." I don't bother looking over -- I can tell she's in the doorway. Her voice is sympathetic. She walks over and sits on the edge of the bed.

I'm ashamed.

She falls back on the bed. Her legs are hanging off the edge. "I need to know that you're okay, Levi."

I take a deep breath.

"Are you okay?"

I exhale.

She turns her torso toward me, placing a clenched hand in the center of my bare chest.

There are a lot of unnecessary paragraph breaks here. I can see where you're trying to isolate emotions and that sort of thing, but it's also very distracting when it's overused, and it's bordering on being overused here.


Overall, a great continuation of the last part of the chapter, though I'm getting a really melodramatic vibe so far, like this story is taking itself a little too seriously. I'm not enjoying it right now, but it's still early in the story, and there's a lot of story left to go. We'll see where you take it.

KF

of course he has the right to be depressed, what with an abusive boyfriend and no penis?

I LOL'd so badly at this. I love you, Jas. I truly do. Her review made me incredibly curious too... did something happen to Levi's manhood? I didn't think it for a second when I was reading, but Jas has made me curious...

Anyway, enough of that.

M'kay, so I liked this! (No shit, Sherlock) ... I don't know what it is, but when I read a story with lots of curses 'nd junk, I feel the need to curse in reviews... sorry about that in advance. But yeah, before I go off topic again, I love the whole idea of this. The whole abusive boyfriend thing reminds me so much of a storyline that happened in Hollyoaks, a soap opera I like, not that you will have ever heard of that show, but still. It was a storyline about two closeted gays, and one of them abused the other. He's Irish (the abuser, that is.)

Seriously though, this story literally has everything I love. Depression, suicide, naked guys, bloooooooooood, bath tubs, and now gays. It's like you literally wrote this for me. Your poetic way of writing is really original and interesting too, so I can't applaud you enough for that. I'm not overly keen on that kind of style, but I'm trying not to be biased because I know that you do it extremely well. Levi seems like an interesting character so far, although I'm a bit hesitant when it comes to Elise. I won't say anything about that now though because, well, we've only seen her for five minutes. I don't' want to make any judgements yet.

I don't really have any solid critiques for this, but I do have a nit-pick that... well, it actually amused me a lot. This is a little pet peeve of mine, you see. I'm talking about the scene where Elise keeps asking if Levi's okay. I was just sitting her like this: bitch, he just tried to potato peel his wrists. I'm sure he's dreaming of dancing with unicorns right now. A.K.A of course he's not okay! He just tried to kill himself. I see this happening a lot in films, for example, so it's become a pet peeve of mine.

It actually reminded me of this (the start of it) where they basically take the mick out of scenes that involve people asking someone if they're okay when, in fact, it's blatantly obvious: http://youtu.be/11SbFsyrQGY?t=16s

The only kind of critique I have is that I'm still not overly keen on the mystery. There was a lot of it in the first chapter, but there's even more questions I have now after reading this one. The main problem with mystery, for me anyway, is that it can result in me feeling detached from the characters because, well, I know sod all about them. Feeling attached to Levi is key in this kind of story, like seriously. The whole of it so far is about him committing suicide, and about his feelings. I'm struggling to really... well, feel sorry for him because I don't feel like I know the guy. Not only that, but a lot of what I do know about him are just guesses. I could be completely wrong.

I'm not saying that you have to give us every aspect of his life, but at least try to give us... something, I suppose. Right now, all I can confidently say about Levi's life itself is that he has a best friend called Elise. I could say that he's in a relationship with an abusive boyfriend, but I could technically be completely wrong. I could say that his boyfriend's name is Zach, but again, I could be wrong because in reality, there's no concrete evidence of who Zack actually is.

Don't get me wrong; I love mystery, but it bugs me a bit when there's so much of it, it ends up being hard to concentrate on what's going on because, well, it's hard to tell what id exactly going on.

Overall though, a great job, m'buddy!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins