The Angel (Chapter One)

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This is something that popped into my head a few days ago. I've drafted it, reviewed it and re-reviewed it but I would love your opinion. I don't know wether to continue or not, so I might if you like it. Harsh critics welcome. Enjoy and thank you if you do review! :D

THE ANGEL: CHAPTER ONE

I was only four years old the first time I went to a funeral. It was for Great Aunt Aggie; she had died of a heart attack, aged 93. At the time I didn’t understand what was going on. No-one wanted to explain death to a child and to be completely honest I can’t blame them. I didn’t understand why we all had to wear black clothes. It was so hot that day and I longed to wear my favourite summer dress. It was beautiful; yellow and white adorned with pretty orange flowers. I cried my little, blue eyes out when I was made to wear my specially bought black one. I didn’t understand why everyone had tissues or handkerchiefs grasped in their hands. I just thought it was something that you had to do at funerals. I remember tugging on my fathers sleeve and asking if I could have one; he thought it was so cute of me. I defiantly didn’t understand why everyone came to the service. To me it seemed like the whole world had turned up. I spent most of the day asking my mother who everyone was. I don’t think she minded, it must have been a good distraction for her. She really loved Great Aunt Aggie.

That was my first experience of a funeral, eleven years ago, and I had just lived through my second. This time I understood. I wish I didn’t, though. I wish I could go back to being that innocent four year old, just for today. Maybe it would make the pain just a little bit softer.

The service ended an hour ago and now I’m sitting on the church step watching the snowflakes fall from the sky. I wrap one arm around my little brother as he sobs quietly; he hadn’t been born when the first funeral happened. He hadn’t known Great Aunt Aggie. Everyone has said to me today that it will become easier. That I have my little brother to take my mind of it and that eventually today will all become one big blur. I think they’re wrong, every single one of them. Wrong. I’ll always remember today. I’ll remember sitting in the front row of pews, grasping onto my brothers hand and watching him out of the corner of my eye, completely worried about him. I’ll remember having to stand in front of everyone and say my speech about how wonderful they were in a big, grown-up voice. I’ll even remember getting ready this morning. Putting on my black, school dress, pulling my hair into a neat bun and having to go into my brother’s room to help him put on his suit. But the one thing I will remember everyday, from now until I’m at my own funeral, is the coffins. Two polished, oak boxes laying at the front of the church – as cold and lifeless as the people inside them. We placed white lilies across the lid and stood by them as they slowly moved into the furnace. And that was it. Over. Finished. The end. Ironic really, their life had been so full and surprisingly long and their funeral had been very dull and remarkably short.

“Alice, do you think Mummy and Daddy are angels in heaven now?” My little brother’s squeaky voice pulls me from my thoughts. I’m quite glad of the distraction and ponder his question before answering it. I don’t even know if I believe in heaven yet. We’ve never exactly been a religious family, but Jamie’s at that age when you believe what you’re told and unfortunately that’s what the vicar had told him. Not wanting to disagree with a vicar I answer in the best way possible.

“Of course they are, Jamie. God is very lucky to have them.” I nod solemnly when he looks up at me. Stroking his thick hair to comfort him, I can see him thinking about his next question carefully. For an eight year old he is very astute.

“Do you think it hurt?” That took me by surprise. Jamie hadn’t been told about what had happened by me, one of the doctors had offered to do it. I thought that they would have explained all of that to him. Then again, no-one wants to explain death to a child, right?

“No, Jamie, it wouldn’t of hurt.” I was struggling to keep my voice even and soft, trying hard to make it believable. I look down at my brother, his baby-blue eyes staring up at me. I hated lying, but I couldn’t tell him the truth, it would crush his tiny heart. I had to indulged him and tell him what he wanted to hear. “It was probably over in a flash, they wouldn’t have felt a thing.” I wish I hadn’t said that. Over in a flash, yeah right. The car crash had been brutal. I was there, so I should know.

We were driving along the motorway, me, Mum and Dad. Dad was driving, mum in the passenger seat doing her hair and me in the back playing on my phone. It was a really sunny day and everyone was happy; nothing could go wrong. That’s what I thought, anyway. Jamie wasn’t with us because he gets car sick really easily and it was a four hour drive, so he stayed with our next door neighbour, Lucy, and her cat, Tinkles. We were going to pick up our new car from some bloke in the north and swap it for our current one. Three hours into the drive and I my legs start to go numb. Mum suggested we park in a lay-by for a while and stretch our legs. Dad thought it was a good idea because he had a chance to look at the map to see where we were going. I stretched my legs with Mum when Dad asked her to come to the car. They were looking at the map together, planning the best route. I had turned away for a few seconds when a screeching sound filled the air. I turned around just in time to see a white, transit van crash into the back of our BMW, sending it flying over the railing and into the field below. I looked around, shocked to the core, and watched as other cars started to park up to help. Running, I lent on the side of the van for support and peered over the other side, every nerve in my body willing them to be alright. They were my parents; my wonderful, amazing, funny parents and I felt dead inside when I looked over the edge. Our silver BMW lay upside down on the grassy field, rocking slightly from the impact. Flames had started to engulf the vehicle and I could smell the petrol leaking out of the engine. I’m a teenager; I watch enough television to know what happens when the two meet. There was nothing anyone could do. As two strong arms grabbed me from behind, to pull me away from the wreckage, I noticed the one thing I wish I hadn’t. Mum had been leaning over the passenger seat, her Nike trainers planted firmly on the concrete ground, when the van hit. Now, those same trainers and the rest of the legs were sticking out of the passenger side; bloody, broken and most likely severed from anything else.

I shake my head to get rid of the image. It already haunted me through the night; I didn’t need it haunting me through the day as well. Patting my brother’s shoulder, I stand up and brush the creases out of my dress. I don’t think I’ll ever look at this dress in the same way again. I reach a hand out to Jamie, which he gladly takes, and holding hands we walk down the cobble path. The already settled snow is crunching under our feet. I look at all the gravestones as we pass. They had become so old and dirty, I doubted that anyone visited them anymore. Dorothy Simmons, 1926 – 1982, George Galley, 1832 – 1894, Maisey Lott, 1717 – 1761. I didn’t want that for Mum and Dad. I didn’t want them to be forgotten, rotting in the ground forever and having to put up with all the weathers. It had been my idea to cremate them. We went to a special shop yesterday to choose the urns we liked the best. Two black boxes with intricate metal work, gold for Mum and silver for Dad, so we could tell whose was whose. Jamie wanted to put them both on the mantelpiece so we could see them everyday, but our other neighbour, Ms. Lola, said that we wouldn’t be able to stay there anymore. Instead we have to go and live in a children’s home because we have no family left. Mum and Dad had no siblings and both sets of grandparents and their families died along time ago. Great Aunt Aggie was the last of them. This is where we’re going now. We were staying in our house with Lucy looking after us when we got a phone call saying someone from South Bank Children’s Home would pick us up after the service and get us settled in. How nice of them.

“Alice, look.” Jamie tugs at my dress, bringing me from my thoughts and pointing to something at the far side of the graveyard. To the left of us, amid the gravestones, stands some random guy. He’s dressed completely in white and I find it hard to distinguish between him and the snow. On his back he’s wearing what looks like a pair of silver wings. “Alice, it’s an angel.” I had to scoff at that.

“Don’t be silly Jamie, angels don’t…” I was going to say angels don’t exist but seeing as I said that Mum and Dad are probably angels now I knew Jamie would catch me out on it and be angry that I lied. He hates being treated like a child.

“Angels don’t what?” I had paused for to long and I’m trying to think of answer quick. Got it.

“Angels don’t walk among humans. They stay with God in heaven. It’s probably just someone in a costume.” That was to close. I tug on his hand to get him to walk again before he argues back. Getting to the gate at the end of the pathway I notice a small Vauxhall Corsa parked in the drive way. Pushing my brother through the gate, I walk to the car and greet the young woman stepping out of it. Her red heels crunch in the snow, leaving strange foot prints, and her office outfit is far to revealing for winter.

“Alice and Jamie Williams? I’m Susan Middles, your social worker. I’m here to take you to your new home.” Her scratchy voice hurts my ears and me and Jamie exchanged a worried glance.

Before getting into the back seat of the car, I take one last glimpse around the graveyard to find the man completely gone. Confused at how fast he left, I settle myself into the car. Angels don’t really exist, do they?
"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic" - Albus Dumbledore




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Hey there! This is a cool story. Please continue! I really like this and I'm sure others will too!

xMidnightWriterx wrote:That I have my little brother to take my mind of it and that eventually today will all become one big blur.


"That I have my little brother to take my mind off it and that eventually today will all become one big blur."

xMidnightWriterx wrote:“Angels don’t walk among humans. They stay with God in heaven. It’s probably just someone in a costume.” That was to close.


"Angels don’t walk among humans. They stay with God in heaven. It’s probably just someone in a costume.” That was too close."

I only came across these two typos. Other than that, great story. Plaease continue and keep up the good work! :)
"We are nothing more than the sum of our memories and experiences"
— Michael Scott (The Sorceress)




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Hey there xMidnightWriterx!

This was a good read! It's very easy to write funerals badly, to err on the side of melodrama, but this actually worked pretty well. Your main character's sentiments were believable for the most part and I really liked the bit about her being at a funeral when she was four as compared to her taking care of her little brother at their parents' funeral. Very nice comparison there, and it really drives home the idea that Alice is being forced to grow up.

You have a nice start here. Good beginnings of characters, some powerful moments. You do a good job including details but not blowing them out proportion. I like the set-up of the main character reliving the past while sitting with her little brother, it's very easy in a reliving frame to resort to telling and to gloss over details and moments that are ripe for characterization. I think that is what is happening here.

I am wondering. Do Alice and Jamie have any more family? Did people try to talk to them at the funeral? Who will be taking care of them now? I doubt they forced Alice to read a speech (I imagine someone would understand if she didn't want to... unless they didn't), so then how does she deal with reading it? Does she want to? I find it strange that Alice and Jamie are walking around alone after their parents' funeral, considering that Alice is only 15 (unless I did the math wrong). These might be details that don't come naturally when plotting out this scene, but they are relevant details and they would give you a lot more opportunity to develope Alice and Jamie. Right now we only see Jamie in retrospect and in his interaction with Alice, and we mostly understand Alice through her narration. Which is a good start, but interaction is a powerful character development device that does not seem to be used as extensively here.

You have a good start here; you did a great job at avoiding melodrama. Now I would suggest slowing down and taking the time to develop your characters. You don't need to rush to the angels part. Right now that bit seems to come too fast. I'm not really emotionally invested in these characters yet, because I don't know them very well. And character development is the anchor of a story, destined to come first; only with solid characters will the story be able to pull off the inclusion of the fantastical.

So, yes, I would be interested in reading more of this! But, especially if this is to become something longer, investment in the characters is crucial. Great job here! If you edit it and want me to take another look, just let me know! Keep writing! And feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas




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I love the idea. I also really liked the comparisons of going to a funeral at different periods of Alice's life.

I felt like you knew what you were talking about, as if you already knew how it felt for someone lose to you to die. Things like "I'll never look at this dress the same way again" for example really made me feel as if that's how it'd feel if someone you knew was dead.

"Mum had been leaning over the passenger seat, her Nike trainers planted firmly on the concrete ground, when the van hit. Now, those same trainers and the rest of the legs were sticking out of the passenger side; bloody, broken and most likely severed from anything else."

OMG. I want to get that image out of my head.. now!

"Pushing my brother through the gate, I walk to the car and greet the young woman stepping out of it. Her red heels crunch in the snow, leaving strange foot prints, and her office outfit is far to revealing for winter."

The end should be "and her office out fit is far too revealing for winter". Apart from that, I didn't spot any other typos which weren't mentioned.

One thing to ask though. Wouldn't Alice be a little cautious of Susan? If it was me, she'd freak me out XD The words "I'm here to take you to your new home" would freak me out too XD Thank God my Mum's still alive. My Dad too, although he's in Libya (he's a journalist, but still. I was so upset when he said he'd go, considering Gaddafi killed some journalists at the beginning!)

To end with, I really like it and please notify me for the next chapter! :)



“I don't talk things, sir. I talk the meaning of things.”
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451