Chapter Two

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Screaming, it had to be. A loud screech pierced my ears, jolting me up straight in the small white nurse’s bed. My mind was blurry, and I felt blinded by the bright room. Slowly I felt my eyes adjusting and realized I was still in Mr. Johnson’s office. Mr. Johnson walked over to me to help me stand up. He looked at me sadly, I knew why. He was here, Uncle Charlie.
“He is in the office” Mr. Johnson announced. I nodded solemnly and slowly walked out of his office. I didn’t want to show fear. Especially not to Uncle Charlie.

Students filled the hallway, lunch bag tightly gripped in their arms. It was Lunch Time. I noticed some familiar faces, Luce. My best friend, she smiled but walked by, and Daniel. My... something. Nobody talked in the halls. Not a sound was made; all you could hear were footsteps and crumpling paper bags. I made my way to the Main office.
The office was empty. Only the crabby little secretary was there. Her wild grey hair always urked me. She looked at me with disgust and pointed to the principal’s office. I smiled sarcastically and trotted in. My uncle and our Principle, Mr. Camp sat in there laughing. I didn’t want to know why. It would most likely disturb me or make me want to strangle both of them. I had been known to act out a bit. They looked over at me and invited me to sit. I did, and glared at both of them.

My mother never talked much about my uncle, and when she did it was serious. Telling me the stories of their childhood and the horrors that lay beneath what their parents thought was a normal fighting brother and sister. She never talked about his looks, I had always thought he must be as ugly as his Balasim supporting character, but I was wrong. His straight blond hair was smoothed back with way to much hair gel. His blue uniform shirt looked crisp and ironed. He was a good looking man but he still disgusted me, and made me feel as queasy as the stories did. A smile stretched across his face, a face untouched by age. In fact, none of him looked affected by age at all. His shoulders were broad; his face handsome for a middle aged man, and not a streak of grey could be seen in his blond hair. Still, disgusting to me.

“So Ms. Bellow” Mr. Camp started, he was acting nice, I didn’t trust it at all. “Your uncle is here to collect you and your sister. We have allowed you both to take a half day so you have time to connect with your new guardian”

“I don’t think we have anything in common” I spat back. Uncle Charlie looked at me with a smirk. Mr. Camp clenched his fists.

“We should go now don’t you think Charlotte?” Uncle Charlie seemed happy; he got up from his chair and held his hand out for me to hold. I got up and walked out of the office. My uncle jolted over to me and grabbed my both my wrists fiercely, pushing me against the wall. I winced then realizing I shouldn’t have. He knew I was scared of him now, I could see it in his dark blue eyes.

“You will hold my hand, and stay near” His voiced was deep and threating. “I don’t want you getting in trouble like your mother did”

“Why?” I smirked, “So you can do to me what you did to my mother?”

“If I have too…” He glared at me hard, and we stood there in silence. Then pulled me out of the room, still gripping my one wrist. I tried to force my arm away from him, but anytime I tried he clenched on to my wrist tighter, stopping the blood, and my hand soon went numb.



We walked to his car, a black Mercedes-Benz, with the government Coat of Arms on the side. He flung me around grabbing my shoulders forcing me to face him.

“If you are as much trouble as your mother, punishment will come easy. I want you to sit in the car quietly and not make a move” He snarled.

“Don’t worry” I shot back, a small grin pulled the left side of my lip up “I’m more trouble than you can ever dream” I heard a deep growl in the back of his chest. He opened the car door and rammed me in the backseat. I fell hard on the soft leather, and pulled myself up quick.

“Charlotte?” Mary sat in the backseat next to me, she looked frightened. “Where are we going? Are they going to kill us too?” I always felt bad that she had to be exposed to such an evil world so young. War, death and torture. Again all of us were. The only people that experienced the world before were our elders and grandparents.

“No, we are going to spend some time with our new guardian, Uncle Charlie” This seemed to relax Marry a bit but she still seemed ready on the defence. The car ride was silent. I did as I was told. For now. We drove through the vast city, buildings shot up all around us. All of them looked the same, and it was like a maze. I was surprised nobody got lost. I guess you just had to rely on GPS’s and street signs.

“I am happy to be your guardians girls, you will finally experience this world for the good, and understand discipline and punishment” I grabbed my sisters hand and clenched my other hand. I felt ready to explode.

“You will understand your parents and brother died for something very stupid. I only wish your mother would have listened to me, she deserved everything I gave her…”

“Don’t you dare lay a finger on me or my sister!” I yelled, I jammed my leg into the back of the seat and punched the window. It shattered under the weight of the punch and broke the flesh of my hand. Blood ran down my arm, and I could feel myself slowly being pushed under. I could hear Marry screaming and my Uncle cursing and pulling the car over. All seemed to be dark as I blanked out, then finally I was pushed under and into unconsciousness.
What a Welcoming Exception *




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Punctuation, especially in the dialogue, needs to be worked on.

I was particularly interested in this part, so I think I'll talk about that:
“Don’t you dare lay a finger on me or my sister!” I yelled, I jammed my leg into the back of the seat and punched the window. It shattered under the weight of the punch and broke the flesh of my hand. Blood ran down my arm, and I could feel myself slowly being pushed under. I could hear Marry screaming and my Uncle cursing and pulling the car over. All seemed to be dark as I blanked out, then finally I was pushed under and into unconsciousness.

It seems pretty...rushed? No, it's just that Charlotte overreacted and it doesn't seem real. He says something about her mother, she screams and punches the window?! Make her anger build up more, slowly, slowly until BANG! She punches the window.

Overall, I think it's pretty good.




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Hi there!

Wow...this was great! It pulled me in and kept me reading right through to the end. I think you should get inside Charlotte's mind more, tell us what she's thinking. There's obviously a lot of pain inside of her from watching her family die. Bring out the pain and link it with the fact that she's short tempered.

I like the relationship of the Uncle and Charlotte's family. I can tell that he's one of those people that have done bad, but refuse to blame themselves. And they think what they did was the right thing to do. I think you should be a little more clear on what exactly he had to do with Charlotte's parents death and her brother's. Did he deliver them to the government? Did he throw stones at them? Did he order their arrest?

You may also want to describe the school more, if it's going to be a consitant setting. Is the school run by the government too? It seems to be that way. But then there are some people, like the nurse and the teacher they first ran into, who seem to be for the rebellion. Does the principal know they're for the rebellion? Better yet, is the principal for the government? I kind of guessed he was because of how he was laughing with the Uncle when Charlotte came in.

This is a really, really good start. Keep it up! Can't wait to read more of this! Keep writing. :)
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