New readers:
Spoiler
If you've never read any of the earlier chapters of my novel, please do, I encourage it! In fact, that'd make me quite happy, even if you decide to read or review one of the older chapters instead of this one here. You could start with the prologue, but if you're an impatient reader like myself go right on ahead with chapter 1. :]
Beneath a patch of spotty shade, John sat with his brother, Matthew, at a wooden picnic table overlooking the large playground where each of their children now were. The early September sun shone down warmly on John's skin, and the days plans seemed to be achieving all the calm he had hoped for. Matthew had brought along his two eight and ten-year-old boys, Kellan and Cruze. Off in the nearby distance the three ran in circles together beneath a tall red fountain which misted their hot faces with cool water; their smiles, dripping with happiness. It was calm to just sit and watch; how effortless and relaxing. Conversation with his brother had soon mellowed into silence as John's mind appeared at rest with the playground.
"So," Matthew had begun in attempt to start up a fresh conversation. "How've you been, John? Seems like we've both been pretty busy this week. Haven't really heard much from you."
"I'm.. -good. Busy as you guessed."
"Eli's first week at kindergarten, how's that going?"
"Pretty smooth, so far," he answered, lightly smiling. And then as he begun recalling his actual first day, "Monday was a bit off."
"Oh yeah?" Matthew entered in curiously.
"Yeah. His uh, teacher kept me after class to speak with her about something she thought Eli said."
His brother grew quickly amused, resisting a smile. "Oh John, you bad boy," he joked. "Getting kept after on the first day. And to assume I had set such a good example for you all these years."
"It was nothing like that," he responded callously. "She said. . . -said something like: Eli may have cursed a little girl." His brother's eyes grew lost. "Using the 'C' word. Ridiculous, right? Where would he even learn that word?"
"He what? What 'C' word?"
"You're gonna make me say it?" John muttered feeling displeased.
His brother laughed nonchalantly. "Why'd she think he did this?"
"A little girl tattled him I guess; I asked the same question. You know, you can't always believe what kids say these days. I guess these teachers are just a lot more anal about things."
Matthew shook his head just slow enough for a sarcastic overtone. "Kids these days. So vindictive." The tone of his voice showed all signs of joking, but John somehow found himself easily agreeing anyhow. The very thought of his son already being targeted in such a way. 'Why him?' had been his only initial thought.
"I just hope the school year goes well for him. He needs more time with kids his age. He plays alone too much. Daddy's just not cutting it anymore. And Linda. . . well."
John began trailing into thoughts about yesterday, while it seemed Matthew had grown distracted, looking past him to where their kids were playing on the playground.
"He looks just fine to me. See how much fun he's having out there? I'm sure he gets along just as good if not better in his class. Relax a bit, yeah?"
As John glanced over to look at the boys, he spotted Kellan clumsily trying to hoist Eli further up the mist fountain. They did seem to be having a lot of fun. Eli truly. There was nothing that pearly white smile couldn't top in John's eyes. It was the happiest he got when he saw his son smile -as sappy or cliche a thought. It was just true. As he sat there and watched, he could begin to feel a smile of his own touch his face. Matt quickly took notice, as his brother hadn't seemed like that quite nearly enough in the month.
"So how's dad been treating you at the firm?" Now there was a loaded question.
"He keeps me busy," John replied vaguely, and with the slightest tinge of exhaustion coating his words.
There was a brief and silent pause before his brother decided to comment -now obviously aware of the bitter feelings beginning to touch surface. He wasn't oblivious to the fact that John and their father tended to butt heads quite a bit. He was probably the only family member that could see plain as day that it was their similar personalities that clashed like water and oil. Oh the hard-headedness in their family.
"I know he's always been pretty tough on you," he began, allowing his thoughts to speak for him. "But I mean, ever since you got Eden pregnant -you were only twenty, a kid. He's always been especially. . . tough since then."
Matthew trailed off into quiet once he realized the very thing he'd just blurted through; almost wishing he could take back every word, despite the truth in it. Although, if anyone, John knew his brother was aware of how much he had loved Eden those few years back. He'd always been his biggest supporter throughout their relationship, and was one of the few people against pressuring John so much for having had Eli so young and out of wedlock. Matt's small comments couldn't tarnish his mood.
It was a long known fact that Tyler Mason, however, loathed the idea of any of his children acting out so juvenile, and making such harsh mistakes at such young ages. When it actually came to be, and to his youngest born, he hadn't taken so well to the fact; causing his level of understanding to slowly diminish in the years ensuing. Eli was no mistake to John though. In fact, he was without question, the one thing he could say he was proud of when it came to himself. Everything else seemed trivial or unimportant. Because no longer did he have anyone special to share the "little things" with.
Though despite the levels of displeasure Tyler Mason seemed to hold toward John, he was fully conscious of the loving and endearing relationship he had with Eli. So it could never be just that. The traditional values John's mother and father held didn't deny the gift of children, no matter the circumstances by which they were conceived. Eli was a blessing in every aspect.Whatever remaining displeasure Tyler held for John lay amongst other lifestyle choices he knew. --Dating an agnostic, for one. But there was no way John would ever change his choice of non-religion to the unrealistic beliefs his family lived by. It was too much, and he could never go back to it after losing such an important person in his life. After losing the love of his life. He knew Eden would've wanted things the way she had left them anyway. She would've raised Eli in the same fact based world she trusted. His father would just have to deal with that.
"Listen, man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it, really. You know dad doesn't think ill of you or Eli. He just wants the best for you both. Your lives have only just begun, y'know? The rest of us are in our thirties, have families and steady careers in place. If anyone, you're the one he thinks most about. Does the most for."
"I guess so," John reluctantly agreed, mostly to save the conversation. His brother had never been one to let go of conversations so quickly though.
"Hey, listen. If you want I'll try and talk to him. He doesn't always see what he's doing until one of his kids ends up pissed off or completely shunning him. I'll let him know to ease up a bit; you already work your ass off for him as it is."
"No," John interrupted. "Don't. I can handle him. What's another hard-ass boss?"
Matt looked at him crookedly. "Uh. The fact that he's not another hard-ass boss, he's your father."
John slumped over the slivvery wooden surface of the picnic table with much dismay. Matt shook his shoulder once for his attention.
"He's Eli's grandpa. You can't let tension build. It's unhealthy for all three of your relationships if you think about it. Why do you think I bite my tongue when dad gets all compulsive over our lives?"
"Because you're passive aggressive and hold everything in. That's not any different from what I do, so why do you try and preach to me?"
Matthew gave a quick roll of his eyes and went on in attempt to speak sense toward his brother. "I let him have his say because it makes him feel like he's still that big part of us. I don't hold everything in until it makes me explode like you've done in the past so many times, I talk with him. He's our dad, we can do that you know -with anything. It's not like he's some kind of evil surgeon general."
From some deep dark corner inside of John, a laugh escaped. Not just a plain and empty laugh, a hearty, loud chuckle. As if a punchline to some grand joke was told and he couldn't help but start rolling inside. The laughter didn't cease until his brother grew irritated and shook him stiffly behind the neck to relax.
"What the hell's wrong with you? I joke and you're serious, then I'm serious and you're this goddamn hyena."
John slowly cooled down the laughter just enough to open his gaze again to his brother. "Right, a hyena."
Matthew shoved him once lightly before fixing his eyes to some other near-off distance, waiting until he could think of something intelligent to say that wouldn't involve having to hang John for his off-setting reactions. "For all our sake, I hope Eli sucked up all his mother's good genes. You're a complete maniac sometimes."
It was a lighthearted comment. One not intended to hurt, and it didn't. John kept his head down as his mind traced itself reflexively to Eden. Her beautiful face had been imprinted into his memory like an eternal brand. That sea of onyx silk which framed her angelic portrait, painted around the two brightest blue eyes he had ever seen amongst the millions of people that surely existed on the face of the earth. So lovely...
He thought of her, trying his hardest to remember how she differed from him in ways his brother was referring. They had never been so different though. Both compassionate. Both playful old souls. Both soft spoken to all but each other. It occurred to him that the only possible difference could lay with himself. He had never really been the same once she passed. . . Jaded almost. Cynical even. But his ways could never rub off on Eli. He'd be exactly like his mother, beyond looks. Or at least, he could pray so. Those bright blue irises lit up his heart with such hope each time Eli gazed at John.
"Don't kill me for bringing it up," Matthew began slowly, "but if Eden were still here, I don't think she'd let you be such a repressed workaholic all the time. So I'm not gonna let you."
Eden wouldn't have let him. But it was also because of her absence that he was the way that he was. Why couldn't it be more obvious? Had things occurred differently, he wouldn't be in this lonely position. He wouldn't be singlehandedly shouldering fatherhood at the same time he carried the weight of his work on his shoulder. And not a single day passed since Eli's birth when he couldn't find himself daydreaming of life with her. How magical life would seem to John to see his precious lover mothering their child. How beautiful they would look together. A baby Adonis and his mother. A rough lump began to form in the center of John's throat, making it hard for him to swallow. The corner of his lip began to tremble as if he were ready to break out in tears at any moment. But he held it in.
"Do you think I'll be fine raising him all by myself?" he asked while interlocking his clammy fingers in an awkward manner.
Matt was surprised by the doubtful worry John held in his voice as he'd asked. He soon glanced forward back into the distance of the wooden playground; eyes quickly fixating onto his beautiful dark-haired nephew. "You've made it so far haven't you?" he replied reassuringly.
John's head slumped ever so slightly downward. "Sometimes I feel like. . -like I'm not doing everything right. You know? Like I'm loving him but I'm not being as good a father as I can be. Do you ever feel like that sometimes?"
John's way of divulging his doubts took his brother's mind to younger days, when they both shared a bunk-bed and played hot wheels on the polished wood floors of their parents home. His head began to fill with the old memories when John use to cling to his brother's advice and direction. It'd been so long since he'd opened up on any kind of vulnerable level. John could feel Matthew's nostalgia seeping through to him like an invisible tonic. He was in desperate need of an answer.
"Do you?" he repeated to retrieve his attention.
"I'm not the one going at it alone, John. But you're doing a good job you know."
"Am I?" he asked. Inside his thoughts continued to trace over and over again to Eli's lately cranky, detached behavior. It could only be his fault as a parent. What other factors were there even to include?
Matthew let go a small laugh. "For a parent with no partner in the picture and being in your early twenties, yes, I think you're doing a better job than most could take credit for. There're kids out their whose parents have terrible ways of coping with feeling inadequate as a parent. Don't second guess yourself now, John."
"I wasn't meaning anything like that," he replied with a much calmer sentiment. "I just wish I didn't have to worry about everything on my own with so much scrutiny hovering overhead."
"You're not alone in this you know. If you ever need help, me and Ash will be there to help you figure things out. He's a great nephew -Eli. My favorite even. You raised him."
The assurance his brother was giving seemed to calm John's nerves down some. If anything in his life, he knew he'd never fail his greatest accomplishment. He couldn't handle the guilt if in the end he couldn't parent correctly. Though the scrutiny of his father would always be his toughest critic, some things he just couldn't help.
"What brought all this on anyway? Did dad say something to you? Have you met a girl?"
"No, neither," John nearly snorted.
"Then what?"
His mind continued to play over thoughts he'd been having of feeling neglectful with juggling work and parenting. He wasn't neglectful though, that he was well aware. "It's just scary," he murmured in a brief slur of words.
"What, being a single parent? I'd imagine so. You're still so young for crying out loud. What do I keep telling you? It isn't exactly a Lifetime channel movie. . Things suck at times."
Off in the distance, Eli's infant-like squeals of laughter coated John's ears like silk. He was being chased by Kellan across the tanbark, before Cruze had gently tackled him into his arms in a snug hold. It was only moments before all three were tangled up in a small doggy pile. A funny way of playing tag, John thought for the moment he'd taken to peak up at the friendly sounds of his son and nephews playing.
"I just wish. ." He paused to swallow back the pitiful tone he'd felt beginning to corrupt his vocals. Rarely was he ever very emotional when speaking. It was a feeling of vulnerability he couldn't handle to share with others. "I wish she were here to mother him. I can't be both parents perfectly -not all of the time."
Matthew breathed through another gentle laugh. "You think mom and dad were perfect even some of the time? You think me and Ashley are? Our own sister and her three kids?"
"No. But I didn't mean literally. . . I know no one's perfect."
"Well good," his brother sighed. "Then we can stop all the worrying about this. You're doing fine, Eli's fine. It's dad we have to worry about with you. Let's try to not be so held in all the time. I swear, you're either gonna be bald or prematurely gray-haired by the time you're thirty."
"Unlikely," John laughed.
The sound of soft footsteps landing gently over dry crinkly leaves drew Matthew's eyes to the area behind John suddenly. John turned to see who was slowly approaching - a man, about his late thirties, looking to have come from some dressy prior engagement.
"Hello," John politely yet unsurely greeted the stranger, who more friendlily approached them now with a smile.
He wore black slacks and a cream colored button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled into loose cuffs at his forearms. His blond hair was neat, and perfectly disheveled to one side. Although a stranger, his brown eyes were warm and cast off a friendly gaze. He couldn't be any older than his early fourties possibly, but it was just a rough guesstimate.
"Hello there," he replied back. And then, as he slowly extended his right arm for a wholesome shake. "Pastor Dawson."
John took his hand with curiosity. "Nice to meet you, Pastor Dawson... John." His eyes for a brief moment turned to glance at his brother, wondering if this man was an acquaintance of his or just some sort of ironic stranger. From the look on his face though, Matthew seemed to be just as clueless as John as to who the person was. That didn't quite cool the look of humor in his eyes from seeping through though. Matt knew how uncomfortable speaking to religious figures made John. Nothing he said ever felt quite right. Almost like they could sense he was no longer "one of them".
The man smiled down at John and his brother. "And you are?"
"Oh-," Matthew stammered. "Matt, I'm his brother." In his mind he was also turning over thoughts of what irony was beheld in the current situation. With no room for cool jokes, he remained humbly quiet.
"Ah," Pastor Dawson said more warmly with a smile. "It's nice to meet you both."
The two brothers smiled politely. "What can we do for you, Pastor Dawson?" John coolly asked.
"Oh, I'm actually just stepping over to say hello. It seems both our boys are in the same class this year. I recognized you sitting here and figured I'd introduce myself."
What seemed as more of a pointless encounter at first began piecing itself into sense. Pastor Dawson took a seat across from John and his brother on the wooden bench.
"Oh," John replied, with less surprise than when the man first walked up to him. "Yeah, you sort of look familiar, now that I think about it."
"My son is Levi," the church-runner said with a smile.
Sadly, the name meant little to John. Although, he now wondered if their sons were friends. It'd be nice to hear from a parent of a boy who was friends with Eli. In his whole week of being in school not once had he thrown out a name of a child he'd met. Hopefully he wasn't as shy as John had been assuming him to be. It was always a difficult position being the shy kid in school.
"He's out playing. . somewhere over there." He glanced over his shoulder toward the playground then back to John with a chuckle. "I can never keep track of him these days. Your son's Eli, correct?"
"Yeah," John answered, feeling a bit more calm now that he knew their children counted as conversation of smooth grounds. "You might've seen me picking him up after school. Black hair, blue eyes, prematurely shrunk to size."
Matthew laughed a small snort next to John. "Cuter than his father."
The pastor nodded, still smiling. "Ah yes. I've seen the two of you before. Levi tells me all about his little classmates after school, and I think he knows your boy."
"Really," John mused happily. "That's great."
Pastor Dawson was readying himself for a reply when quite suddenly a petrifying sound broke violently through to the sensitive drums of John's ears. Instinctively, his eyes went searching for the familiar pitch of the screaming child. How awful the feeling sat in his stomach to realize the familiarity of such a sound. His gaze soon focused to a near empty spot in the center of the tanbark where all the kids shied away due to the harsh yelling of one little boy.
"Eli?" John muttered terrified for the very split second before leaping up to his feet to go to his son.
"Jesus Chri-" Matthew cut his words short before the pastor could give him a second look, then went jogging too to the baffling scene.
When John finally made it to Eli, the boy's arms were stiff at his side; his hands in balled fists. His eyes were closed tight and a vein in his neck protruded heavily due to the strain of his harsh yelling. It wasn't long before John could wrap his arms snugly around him, while he too soon took to having a fit around his shoulders. The mysterious shrieking pierced John's ears with a sharp ring. Never had he heard something so terrible come from such a small child.
"Hey. Hey, hey!?" He examined every appendage with a quick glance over, but he seemed to be just fine physically. "What's wrong? What happened?" He turned his glance away to peer at the other children. His nephews more precisely. But they seemed to look just as worried and surprised at the scene as John himself. No look of apology or guilt within a ten mile radius glowed from any of the children's faces
Without warning, the yelling ceased to all surprised. John quickly lifted Eli up over his shoulder to walk him off of the playground without hesitation. Matt and his boys followed closely at each of his sides.
"What happened, John?" Matthew asked worried and placing a hand on his nephew's back.
"I don't know," he replied with great hints of distress.
Children everywhere stood staring still; some with their parents. One lady frantically begun to ask, "My Lord, is he alright?"
"He's fine," John spat out quickly, not intending to sound rude. He continued to pat his back in gentle circles, though the fit seemed to be over with. Kellan and Cruze stuck worriedly to their father's side.
"Uncle John, is'ee alright?" Kellan asked in a small voice.
John let a hand fall calmly on his nephew's shoulder. "Yeah, bud, I think so. What happened, do you know?"
Both boys shook their heads no in an honest manner. "He just stood still and started screaming at you," Cruze uttered. "I think he wanted you."
John furrowed his brow, feeling confused. "Screaming. . . at me?"
He tried to look down into his son's eyes, but his face was too deeply buried in his shirt. He tried to get his face to budge upward by gently nudging his chin a few times. Eli silently dug his nails deeply into his father's arms. John flinched in surprise. "Ow -ow. What's- what's wrong?" Eli relaxed his grip, keeping his face buried.
Ahead of John, Pastor Dawson soon approached with much concern. "My. Is everything alright?"
"I'm sorry... Low blood sugar, I think," John quickly thought up. "We should be heading back soon now anyway. It was very nice meeting you though, Mr. Dawson. Much apologies for the theatrics...," he ended with a slight flush to his cheeks.
"Er, Pastor Dawson. Yes, I understand. It was nice running into you, John."
He extended his hand out for one final shake goodbye. John was about to reach for his hand when in his arms a convulsive quivering began to shake away. Reflexively he placed the hand he had been ready to extend out to Pastor Dawson back onto Eli's back. The man frowned slightly with an understanding expression.
"Perhaps he's a bit attached. My first son suffered quite the same type of anxiety when he was a boy." John was quiet as the surprise grew from such shaking still radiating in his arms. "Well, take care. I'm sure I'll see you around sometime soon," he ended with a trying smile.
"Yeah -take care."
The man walked past John and over to a fair-haired lady -assumably his wife- at a picnic table just a few yards down from the one they had recently just been sitting. Eli soon relaxed in John's arms, allowing his head to come up to rest beneath his chin.
"I wanna leave now," The little boy hummed in his father's ear. John stared into the mesmerizing crystal sapphire of his eyes with confusion.
"Are you alright, kiddo? Why all the screaming? . . .Why're you shaking?"
Eli turned his head over his shoulder, ignoring the question with a mellow overtone. "I don't wanna play here." John kept him in a snug cradle, his heart still beating from the adrenaline the piercing sound had given him.
"Maybe there's just too many cooties on the park today," Matthew softly joked, winning a smile off his two boys. He continued to stare down at his now calm nephew before looking up at John. "Or maybe Eli just hates religious figures as much as his atheist father," he teased in attempt to lighten the mood. Now that he could push religious jokes onto John without the presence of a religious figure around.
"Agnostic." John's eyes rolled as he corrected. He looked back down at his son, searching hard for a reason in his face that could hopefully tell him why he went into such a fit. There seemed to be nothing though. He wasn't yet sure if that made him worrisome or not. "You're still a candidate for naps, huh?" Eli's eyes fell heavy on his. "Yeah... I thought so."
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