Orion and the Sword of Kings - Chapters 1 & 2

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-CHAPTER ONE-

On Strange Tides

On the misty waters of the long ocean sat a lone boat rocking gently back and forth upon the calm waves. Within the small oaring boat sat a cradle with a blanket firmly draped over it to keep the occupant cold. It wasn’t a large cradle or that of a bed that could allow a full grown man or woman to sleep. It was in fact, a baby’s cradle.
It seemed a rather peculiar thing to be drifting off into sea. Anything could get it, sharks and berans swam those waters. Berans being more dangerous due to their spiked backs and spear like tails that could impale anything. So why was it that this boat, with the small cradle inside was rocking on the sea? Where were the parents? Why was this baby alone?
As the boat drifted over a large wave the baby began to cry, was he hungry or cold? Was he scared or thirsty? There was no one who could tell for he was alone in this world, alone and unaware of the world around him. Nothing more than an infant, a small child who seems so innocent, a small child who has no parents to care for him.
As the night transitioned to day and the sun rose over the ocean like it had done for centuries, the baby in the cradle was rocked gently to sleep by the waves that acted as a mother’s arms for the child. A small island passed by, palm trees and sandy beaches. The boat continued to drift out towards uncharted waters, the boat was now on strange tides. Just Blue Ocean and blue sky lie ahead of it, nothing else, nothing to stop it and no one to take the child in.
Thunder and lightning raged in the high heavens overhead as a storm began. Crash, bang. The baby crying loudly, louder than it had ever cried before. Soon after the storm passed the boat gently rocked towards an isle in the distance. This island, shrouded by a huge dome that covered the interior of the city. But an island that was also mysterious, for a cloud of black smoke surrounded it. What was this place?
Through a telescope an eye was visible. Blue and dilated, as the telescope was taken away from view a man comes into sight. He’s a guard, a watcher over the seas for any passing ships. He looks like a pirate, an eye-patch over his left eye, one single blue eye that acted as his only sight. Scars down his cheeks and a rag over his head coloured red with a pirate’s skull and bones with two swords as a logo of sorts.
‘Man the lifeboats, we have movement!’ he roared. Much to the dismay of his pirate friends, who had to throw down their swords and knives which were being sharpened. Their ale, which was coloured red was favourable strawberry ale, which tasted great to many. A rather peculiar drink for pirates who usually dabbled in gulping down hundreds upon hundreds of gallons of rum, whiskey and port every year. Perhaps these were not usual pirates?
The boats soon departed the docks and a man, dressed in a black tunic of sorts with a golden necklace dangling around his neck with an inverted C with an I down the centre stepped from the city. He was of African descent.
‘What do we have?’ he asked, his voice was strong and deep.
‘A small one man boat, no signs of life on board’
‘From which direction did it hail from?’
‘Farckona, sire. It hails from Farckona’s way’ the pirate said, much to the man’s dismay, he knew something was wrong. But what?
Boats oared into the docks and were tied off. A pirate at the back of the pack carried a small cradle up the docks. The man looked on in wonder.
‘What is it?’ the man asked.
‘Sire, it’s an infant.’ Spoke the pirate who found the cradle.
The man removed the draped blanket to reveal a small child. His brown eyes were that of chestnut colour, his skin, salmon colour and slightly tanned. His hair, hazel brown with one single streak of black that ran up the left side on the top of his head.
‘In the name of Alderin. This is impossible’ the man said.
‘Why, sire?’ asked a pirate.
‘This child is no mere stray. From Farckona he hailed, this boy is the prince. Khan’s son, which means… I must converse with our leader.’ The man said, leaving the child in the arms of the pirate. Who now has him out of the cradle. Rocking him back and forth gently.
In the citadel chamber beneath the city sat a sanctuary, a small fountain in the middle of the room was iced over. The man was standing before it. Both hands placed on the edges of the stone fountain as he peered inside the ice. He was not however, looking at a reflection, he was in fact looking through what appeared to be a window.
‘The boy is Khan’s son, there is no doubt about that’ the man on the other side said, dressed in white robes and wielding a mighty white staff with a flame encasement that played home to a sapphire. His hair was white, long and straight. His beard, white and a little messy.
‘But why send him here?’ the man asked the other.
‘Tebek, my loyal friend. It is unwise to ask such questions for these answers are not what you wish to hear.’ The man replied.
‘I must know’
‘Indeed. He has returned, Tebek, from the underworld.’ The man revealed, Tebek was shocked to hear such a revelation.
‘How could he return? I thought he was killed when Serin destroyed the amulet?’ Tebek asked.
‘No, he was merely sent to the depths. But now he has returned I feel this time we shall not be as fortunate. I believe he has taken a new form, one of power. Which is why the boy was sent to you’
‘Across a vast ocean?’
‘His mother protected the boat before she sent it to sea. Her sacrifice allowed the boy to live, but you must not tell him of his past. Until he is ready’
‘I do not understand what you are asking of me’
‘Tebek, you are his guardian now. Raise him, teach him. Be a father to him’
‘I shall try sir.’
‘That is all I asked of you.’ The man on the other side turns away and suddenly turns back with a smile ‘I trust you to understand why this is your task.’
‘I understand’
‘For this day marks the first in the forthcoming war. The boy must be ready, for there is no one else but him, no one but Orion’
The water in the fountain suddenly reappears as the ice melts quickly, Tebek looks around the chamber. Dust covered walls, sand on the floor. A lone fountain sitting in the middle. He knows now, he knows Orion is his to rise.
For Orion, a small orphaned boy who knows nothing of the world. Lying in the arms of a pirate with one leg and an eye patch. So innocent, so unaware.








-CHAPTER TWO-

The King’s Legacy

Seventeen years had passed without the slightest itch of concern, Tebek, just like before the child prince came to him, continued with his life the way he was always meant to. As leader of the great city known as Grathan. Surrounded by a huge force field like dome that cloaked it from view of anything or anyone who wished to do those inside harm, it was a magical place, a breathtaking sight to behold for any who hadn’t seen such a place before.
The boy prince, now seventeen years of age and quite handsome stood over the ridge which overlooked the lake, where people would go daily to wash their clothes. The water was deemed “Beautiful” by many who had seen it, as the lake glistened like crystals under the sun. A shimmering effect that would seemingly wink at travellers far away in the deep, luscious forests. It was sure that the city was cloaked from those who aimed to do harm, but to the eye of a traveller who only wished to sell his wears, it was something that would not go unnoticed.
Orion, around five foot nine inches, with quaffed hair and a single black streak running through his hazel strands stood upon that ridge, he did so because he felt safe there. The one place he could go that seemed distant enough from the eyes of those who guarded him, the one place he could be alone to watch the sun rise and set. He was somewhat of a ladies man; all the girls in the city had a keen eye on him. They knew he was special, but for some reason Orion, unaware of his past, did not know the truth about himself or where he came from.
Tebek had kept it hidden from him for so long, that it was certain he would not come asking questions about where he came from, Tebek felt that Orion needn’t have to know of his past. But something, a small spec of memory, was lodged in his mind forever, the night he escaped the blazing fires of a city. That was the dream he had, of a woman standing on a dock telling him that she loved him, and then in a matter of seconds she was taken away and he would sail off into the sea.
Those memories, were they good or bad? He couldn’t fathom what they meant, if they were good then why would she leave him? But if they were bad why would he remember them?
It wasn’t always like this for him; he was a kid once, playing in Grathan, swimming down at the lake on a daily basis. But there was always that one memory, a dream or vision of his past that he could never escape from no matter how far he travelled.
He often asked himself one of the simplest questions a man could ask. Why did he not have parents? Perhaps it was due to the fact that he was brought up by a man who looked nothing like him, or maybe it was due to him being what many in the city, especially the pirates, considered as different.
As the sun rose on the morning of the first summer’s day, Orion stood upon that ridge just as he had done for years prior. He was thinking that today, could be the day he found out about his past. But he’d thought that for eight years. He’d never had the courage to ask about his past, but there was something in the air that told him “today is the day” and it truly was.
The people in the city were moving around dimly, some pathetically as they could not stand, most likely due to a night of swift drinking at the local pub next to the barn where the creatures were kept. Some even clambered out of Pegasus troths and others found themselves knee high in cow hay. Waking up in Grathan wasn’t something people did lightly, especially one person, Ikres. He was from the north and bore a Scottish accent; he had somewhat of a thing for drinking until the sun set and sometimes after. Rum was his drink, he loved the taste, Orion hated the smell of it. He once said, much to Ikres’ anger, that rum smelt like the remains of a Hydra strike. A Hydra, a five-headed beast, would spit out venomous saliva, after a few days it smelt horrific. Ikres however, wasn’t taken by Orion’s words and continued to drink it, even if it did make his breath smell rancid.
‘How goes the day’ a woman’s voice said as she stood from a silhouette outline in the sun to reveal a beautiful young, eighteen year old raven-haired girl. She was wearing leather clothing, a warrior’s like attire, a bodice which wrapped nicely around her curves and small leather shorts. Coloured burgundy with a small black belt which wrapped around her waist.
‘Maralda, I bid you good morning’ Orion said, his voice was smooth yet it was tinged with a bite.
‘Any plans for this fine summer’s morning?’
‘Just the one’
‘You plan on asking Tebek today don’t you?’
‘I do, only this time I shall succeed in finishing my sentence’
Maralda laughs; she’s heard the same thing every day for years. But deep down she knows Orion will not ask him, for he fears what Tebek might say.
‘I heard that you battled Firenze yesterday, how did it go?’ she asked.
‘It went well, I must say though, I surprised myself’ he said, looking surprised that he was able to defeat the city’s best dueller.
‘I wish I could have been there to see it, though I was –‘
‘Busy at the archery range, I heard’ Orion said, she smiled at him ‘Tebek told me you managed to score five eyes’ he continued.
‘Yes, five right down the centre. Though I must say, I surprised myself’ she laughed, mocking Orion’s words. She knew he had a warrior in him, yet why he was so surprised he won the duel was unknown to her.
He’d always been somewhat of a locked box to her, he never showed his true emotions, a part of him that she felt, were long lost. Perhaps it was because Orion had no parents that he showed no true emotion? Or it could have been because he was acting braver than he actually felt.
‘Tebek wants to see you in the sanctuary, he has something for you’ she said as she took out a dagger from a small sheath hanging from her belt and began to carve out the dirt under her fingernails.
‘What is it?’ Orion asked dimly.
‘I do not know, he said it was for your eyes only’
‘Thank you’ Orion said as he passed her and clapped her gently on the shoulder. There’s something about their relationship that seems off, Maralda seems somewhat annoyed at him for treating her as a friend while he sees her as more of a sister than anything. Tension has been growing between the two for years, she likes him yet he completely misses the fact that she’s waiting for him.
‘One day’ she muttered, as she looked down over the lake below, where people were gathering, washing their clothes in the cold water and bathing. It was a sight, though she had other ideas for a safe spot, a place to get away. She walked away from the ridge digging the dirt out from under her fingernails.
*
A few moments later, Orion found himself standing in the armoury in the citadel, Tebek was nowhere to be found amongst the bludgeoning maces and sharp swords. There were shields, but many of the Grathan inhabitants saw shields as useless. They’d rather go in full steam with no protection, rather than play the battle safely.
Crack, thud. Orion turned around as cracks and thuds sounded, the wall before his gaze began to slide left behind another. Revealing a hidden passage, lit only by torches hanging from bronze holders on the walls. It was a dusty passage, one that seemingly had never seen the end of a brush.
Orion, cautiously walked down the passage. The torches flickered gently as a cool wind passed through the passageway, he continued walking until he found the room where Tebek was. Tebek, who seemingly had not aged in seventeen years stood over a golden pedestal, as a pendulum swung in the background.
‘Ah, Orion. I see you heeded Maralda’s message…Come’ Tebek said wisely, Orion walked towards him, looking around the chamber that he had never seen before.
‘What have you brought me here for?’
‘I know you wish to learn of your past, the reason I have brought you here is so you might learn, though I must ask. Are you willing to discover the secrets I have kept from you?’ Tebek said, Orion nodded his head. Was he ready to understand his past?
‘Stand here’ Tebek said. Orion did so, within a circle on the ground that was ticking like a clock, though the clock was not present.
A chest begins to slowly descend from the ceiling, it’s connected to nothing, like magic. The chest lands before Orion who looks at Tebek.
‘Open it’
Orion leant down on one knee and opened the chest. Inside sat several items. A piece of wood was the first to be pulled out. Orion held it by his side and then suddenly the wood revealed blue light which erupted into a sphere. Causing the piece of wood to be transformed into a force field like shield. Orion moved it around in his hand, he looks to Tebek.
‘The shield of light. It was your father’s’ Tebek revealed.
Orion placed the shield back on the ground and pulls out a small black pack. He opens it to reveal several small tubes filled with liquid. Purple, Blue, Green, Orange and White. Orion looks to Tebek once more.
‘Potions, brewed by your father. The purple is a healing remedy, the blue allows the drinker the ability to shift from one place to another. Green is a revealing liquid, drinking it shall reveal pathways and doors that you would not see unless you have it. The final, is used for mending.’
The prince places the pack on the ground and lastly pulls out a scroll which is bound by string, he removes the string and opens the scroll, the words are written and he reads from it.
‘My son. Now that you have claimed the items I left for you within the chest your true journey begins. Though I cannot be there to wish you a safe journey you must know that you mean much to your mother and me. We have left you what we can in order to help aid you. We shall always care for you Orion and wished that this had never come. Leaving you with such a burden is not what we wanted. But know that if you are reading this then your mother and I did not succeed and that you must do what we could not. For time may separate us, but we shall always be with you.’ He stops reading and looks to Tebek.
‘My father wished for me to have these?’
‘Yes, only now can I tell you why’
Orion puts everything back inside the chest and walks to Tebek who walks over to a wall. Tebek places his hand on the wall and closes his eyes, his muscles in his face tense and then the wall reveals somewhat of a painting.
‘Only you can see what lies on this wall’ Tebek said.
Orion gets closer to the wall, a part of him know what lies on it is something he wishes he didn’t know. But he must know for if he doesn’t, what part of his history will he truly know of?
The wall soon begins to move, like an actual moment in time, on the wall Orion witnesses a city burning, he hears the screams of people and then from nowhere he finds himself looking upon the throne room of the palace. A large, armoured warrior passes through the door knocking several guards down, only for a moment later to kill those guards, who crumble like paper. The man makes his way over to a backpedalling king that falls to his throne and black smoke beams from the man’s body and a sword slashes through the king’s chest. The amulet the king was wearing, fell to the ground in an instant, twirling on the wind before coming to a dead halt.
‘I bid you return, my master’ the man says, his voice is snake like.
Then, Orion is at the docks. Where a child Orion is in his mother’s grasp, she kissed him on the head and placed him within the cradle.
‘Orion, my love. I only wish I could be there for you’ she said as she pushed the boat to sea. Two Minotaur’s grabbed her and dragged her up the stairs. Then the painting returns to normality and Orion is back in the present.
‘I-I do not…Why have you shown me this?’ he said, unhappy to know of his past this way.
‘I understand how you must feel -‘
‘No you don’t! How could you show me this!?’ Orion roared.
‘Orion I am –‘
‘Save your apologies, I cannot believe what I have seen. You should never have brought me down to this place.’ Orion said as he stormed out of the sanctuary, Tebek knew the pain Orion was in. But he also knew he had to tell him the truth.
Orion was back at the ridge overlooking the lake. The once tranquil location, now soiled, because he could not begin to remove the memories of his father’s death and his mother’s sacrifice from his mind. They were edged there forever, like the smallest splinter from a piece of wood that stuck in his skin, a mere fragment of memory, lodged in his mind forever.
There was something else too, a feeling. Like something was coming for him, but what (Or who) was it that constantly knocked around in his head? The smallest of memories in his head, the moment his mother kissed him gently on the forehead and pushed him out to sea. Then there was the voice that rang in his ear for sometimes, days on end. It never quit speaking to him, it never stopped giving him direction and it never spoke of anything that made the least bit of sense.
Some part of the prince was missing, he always felt alone no matter how many people he surrounded himself with and with the revelation Tebek showed him coming to pass, he understood that now, he was more alone than ever.
Orion somehow felt responsible for his parent’s death. Yet there was another part that knew it wasn’t his fault. How could it have been when he was just a boy? He had no enemies then, no threat, he was an infant. The only question that remains, is who was it he saw in that mirage?




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So that is basically the first 2 chapters of this novel. The full manuscript is currently 243 pages and I have 3 chapters left to write which will end the first novel and lead into the second.

I hope you enjoyed it.




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Hi, Leegon.
I'll review the first chapter here, and then I'll come back and review the second if you want me to. :D
I like the personal conversation you have with the reader in your narration and the mystery you create in this setting. While the baby floating in the water is a very old scenario, I don't think the baby has ever been picked up by pirates. :) Kudos for originality there.

The first thing I noticed that sort of bothered me was your series of questions.
So why was it that this boat, with the small cradle inside was rocking on the sea? Where were the parents? Why was this baby alone?
As the boat drifted over a large wave the baby began to cry, was he hungry or cold? Was he scared or thirsty?

When you have so many question marks in a row, it gets repetitive and some readers tend to skim over the sentence. See if you can find a way to get the same information across without using so many questions. :)

Secondly, when a character is speaking, it is customary to use double quotation marks (") instead of the single ones. It is easier to see when a character starts and stops talking.

In fantasy, you have to create a new world that is unfamiliar to your reader, so it's really easy to slip into info-dumping. While I congratulate you for not doing this, sometimes you tend to tell your reader what's happening rather than showing us. Describe the scene and the people with similes and strong adjectives (but don't use too many adjectives). Rather than telling us that the baby is crying loudly, for example, describe the sound he's making. Do the birds flee, startled by his cries?

Now, on to nitpicks:
On the misty waters of the long ocean sat a lone boat, when a participial phrase is qualifying a noun, you need to separate it with a comma. rocking gently back and forth upon the calm waves.

Within the small oaring boat sat a cradle with a blanket firmly draped over it to keep the occupant cold.

I think you meant "warm."
It wasn’t a large cradle or that of a bed that could allow a full grown man or woman to sleep. It was in fact, a baby’s cradle.

I don't think you need these two sentences. Most people, when they think of a cradle, envision a baby in it. :D
It seemed a rather peculiar thing to be drifting off into sea.

You tell the reader what they should conclude for themselves a few times throughout the first chapter. This sentence is one of them. You shouldn't have to tell the reader what's peculiar, unless the peculiarity is specific to your story's culture.
Anything could get it, sharks and berans swam those waters, berans being more dangerous due to their spiked backs and spear like tails that could impale anything.

Just Blue Ocean and blue sky

Is there something about the ocean that it needs to be capitalized?
Thunder and lightning raged in the high heavens overhead as a storm began. Crash. Bang. Onomatopoeias are usually italicized, and I think a period would be more appropriate than a comma.The baby crying loudly, louder than it had ever cried before.

This is where I would really like you to elaborate. You can use the sounds of thunder to intertwine the sounds of the baby crying. Be creative with it. :D
Through a telescope an eye was visible.I like the way you worded this. :) Blue and dilated, as the telescope was taken away from view a man comes into sight.

This was the first point in the story I noticed it, but you tense-hop a little from this point on. Make sure all of your verbs are in past tense.
He looks like a pirate,

Isn't he a pirate? If so, use that to describe his appearance, rather than compare him to what he is. I hope my rambling is making sense. :)
Perhaps these were not usual pirates?This should be a period

From which direction did it hail from?’

It is grammatically correct to omit the second from and leave the first, but since they're pirates, I think they deserve to have imperfect grammar. ;)
It hails from Farckona’s way’ the pirate said, much to the man’s dismay, he knew something was wrong.

This is a run-on. Change the last comma either to a semicolon or period. :)
His brown eyes were that of chestnut colour, his skin,no comma here salmon colour and slightly tanned.

The man said, leaving the child in the arms of the pirate. Who now has him out of the cradle. Rocking him back and forth gently.

This really confused me. Does the middle sentence belong to the first, or is it an independent question? The third sentence is a fragment. I had a hard time picturing what you're trying to say here.
His hair was white, long and straight, his beard,no comma white and a little messy.

Khan’s son, which means… I must converse with our leader.

Ellipses are tricky tools. Most people would say you shouldn't use them to indicate a pause in speech. I prefer to use a dash, but you can always interject some sort of narration indicating a pause.
I must know.

He has returned, Tebek, from the underworld.this period should be a comma’ Tlower case "t"he man revealed,This should be a period Tebek was shocked to hear such a revelation.This is a good example of you telling us what his emotions is instead of showing us. Describe his facial expression, his tone of voice, etc.

He knows now, he knows Orion is his to rise.

'raise'

Okay, so that's about it for chapter one. :D All I ask is a little more vivid detail and description, but you've caught my attention. I hope this helped. As always, you can contact me with any questions/comments you may have about this review. Please don't hesitate to shoot me a PM. :)
Happy writing,
-Sea-
'Let's eat Grandma!' or, 'Let's eat, Grandma!' Punctuation saves lives.

Reviews? You know you want one. :)

*Ribbit*




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Yeah, most of that is the MS Word auto-correct issue I continue to run into. I say Raise, it said "Did you mean Rise?".

I am still going through the process, I'm around 4 pages from finishing it so once that's done I'll be able to edit, proof and send off.




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Not bad, incredibly intriguing. I can see why this was picked up by an agent. Your style shines thru, as was mentioned earlier the questions given to the reader help push things along. I can see where a lot of your influences come form, this line --
His mother protected the boat before she sent it to sea. Her sacrifice allowed the boy to live, but you must not tell him of his past. Until he is ready

-- seemed like it came directly from Harry Potter. That isn't a bad thing though. Overall its very well made, and well thought out. I am excited to see where this goes. If anything is needed to make this better, it would be more detailed description. Good luck with publishing.



cron
Is anyone else desperately waiting to see themselves in the quote gen?
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