Heartbroken

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Alrighty, I made this while listening to Cat Steven's “If You Want to Sing Out”. Odd, right? Oh, right, you probably haven't read it yet. Well, anyways, I'm a very cynical person and I have these horrendous daydreams all the time. This was one example. Anyways, enjoy, or not, and feel free to critique, flame, whatever.

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She clutched the hardback books to her chest with slender arms, shutting her dark eyes tightly. Even so, salty tears managed to escape from her luscious eyelashes, dripping down her pale face. She let out a small whimper, her legs shaking under her weight. They eventually gave, and she fell down onto the concrete, her navy skirt flourishing. She let out heart-wrenching sobs and dropped the books onto the ground, hunching over. Her cellphone from which she had received the news had long fallen onto the ground, the signal lost. She didn't care, though; all that was on her mind were those two words...

“He died.”

Running those words through her mind made her let out another violent sob, her frail hands tugging at her hair. She shook her head, in complete disbelief.

He died? He couldn't have died. He can't. He couldn't leave her. He couldn't leave her after years of getting to know him... falling in love with him...

No matter what- even through all the lies both he and her friends had told her, no matter if he turned on her when he said he wouldn't... She wasn't blind. She clearly knew what was going on before her. She had decided to leave it alone, though, for she had made a promise as to make sure everyone was happy. Especially him.

Inside, though, she wasn't coping too well. Not now, not then... While she had stood there smiling, inside she wanted to just run away.

She couldn't.

Run away?

The notion was ridiculous. No matter what shit they had thrown at her, she braved through it and remained friends with them. They wanted to be friends with her, too, so it all worked out for the better, right?

No... It didn't get better. At least, not for her. Especially not now. Not since the love of her life, her best friend, had died. He had been terminal for a while, now, and in just two weeks, she would have stepped on that plane and flew to see him.

It's too late, though. He was gone. Those weeks of talking about their plans, how excited they were to finally see each other... Wasted.

Her fingers dug into her head, as if it would take the pain away. The pain wasn't going any time soon, though. Her mind was only focused on him, blocking out all the noises. The crackling of her cellphone, other high schoolers stopping and staring, her two friends standing over her and gaping.

None of that was important right now.
See you, Space Cowboy.




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He died? He couldn't have died. He can't. He couldn't leave her. He couldn't leave her after years of getting to know him... falling in love with him...



I just thought that the 'he can't' in this line isn't needed. The line is fine without it.

He had been terminal for a while, now, and in just two weeks, she would have stepped on that plane and flew to see him.



Maybe try... 'He had been terminal for a while now, and in just two weeks...' Just a thought. I'm not sure if that's how you wanted it.

Overall, you're a very, very, VERY good writer.
Puts me to shame D:
Hope to see more from you :D
No, sir. I am not crazy. I just have a vast amount of beautiful imagination.

Spoiler
Imprisoned beneath is where the souless dwell.
Lies a place that the damned call home.
A place where the virtuous hide in fear.
A place we only see in our nightmares.
A place where the sun is silent...
- Alesana




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First of all, might I just say that I am ridiculously impressed. It's a very short piece but you manage to turn it into a beautiful, very dramatic and moving piece. But, there were a few things that I didn't like so much. Mostly it was all in the first paragraph.
There are a lot of descriptive words in the first paragraph, and then hardly any in the rest of the piece. Like, for example... "Luscious" "flourishing" "heart-wrenching". I don't know if it's just me, but it just doesn't seem to flow right. Like it's almost being forced to sound really dramatic, you know what I mean? Anyway, besides that, it was a great piece!
Keep up the amazing writing!
Dee




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This is the type of writing that seems good at first glance, but it isn't.
You really, REALLY should not write while listening to music. I used to do it all the time, and I used to write EXACTLY like this. Your writing skills, over all, will significantly improve if you stop doing this.
I'm not saying this is bad. The problem is that even though you're supposed to be "showing" us the story, you're "telling" it to us, too. That's why you have all those over-dramatic adjectives that the previous reviewer is talking about.
mistura is awesome and she loves you




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Hey AardvarkSlave,

shutting her dark It would help if you said what color. eyes tightly


Her cellphone two words from which she had received the news


The crackling of her cellphone,
two words

Very good job! I could feel how she was feeling almost. I really liked this piece. I do think you could add more of a backstory, but its not needed at all. It was really, really good. ( Although I do agree with the other reviewers about overdramatic adjectives.)

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.



Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
— Martin Luther King Jr.