Demon of the sea:Chapter 5

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[u]Chapter 5
Valarie froze, her entire body growing ice cold
No, it can’t be. He doesn’t… he can’t possibly…
Her eyes slowly moved over him, taking it all in: his long sandy hair that just brushed his shoulders, skin whiter than snow, and his eyes. His impossibly blue eyes that drew you in like moths to light. Eyes like the aquamarine waters of the sea, eyes like the edge of the sky, eyes so vivid they seemed to glow. Yes, those were the eyes she remembered from when she was a little girl, the eyes that had haunted her for so many years. You could never forget eyes like that.
“Oh no. No. You don’t exist. You can’t… I’m just imagining this.” Valarie said, finally breaking free of the trance that had held her still. She turned, raking her fingers through her hair.
“No. You can’t be here. You can’t. I, I just made you up!” But she’d known he was real, hadn’t she? All along she knew that he was real.
Looking down, her eyes found the bracelet that the man had given her that night on the beach. She hadn’t taken it off, not once, since that night on the beach. It had been her treasure, the one thing that had gotten her through the years of therapy. She’d known he was real all along, because really, he had never left. Or at least, the man she remembered from when she was a little girl hadn’t.
Valarie turned facing the stranger in the water.
He certainly wasn’t as big as she remembered.
“Do you remember me?” he asked, walking towards her through the water. Valarie nodded.
“How could I forget?” she replied. The man smiled. For some reason, Valarie felt that that smile was just for her. Her stomach flipped.
“I’ve been waiting so long for you to return.”
“How did you know I would?”
The man chuckled, taking the last step out of the water and onto the beach. “You already know the answer to that, don’t you?” Valarie stared. He wasn’t wet. His black slacks weren’t forming a puddle beneath his bare feet, and his white cotton shirt was moving gently in the breeze, neither with any sign that he had been in the water.
How is that possible?
It wasn’t.
The man reached out, brushing a strand of hair behind Valarie’s ear, his fingers brushing her cheek. Valarie flinched.
His skin was cool to the touch, not like ice. More like a fall breeze: crisp, cool, and refreshing.
Different.
The man before her was impossible. Impossible looks, impossible clothes, even impossible skin. He was unreal.
So what in the world did he want with Valarie?
“Val!” a voice called from up the path. It was Taylor. Valarie glanced behind her, trying to judge how far away her friend was.
“Little one, once again our time together has been cut short.” Valarie’s head snapped back. The sea man was already backing away, heading towards the water.
“Wait a minute! Who are you? What are you?” Valarie demanded, nervously glancing over her shoulder for Taylor. Her friend’s calls were growing ever closer.
“Think. You already know the answers.”
“No, I’m pretty sure I don’t. Why don’t you just tell me and we can get this over with!” The man laughed, sinking deeper and deeper into the water, growing farther and farther away.
“Still so insistent! Just like your mother. My name is Hadan, little one. And you will get no more answers from me. You must remember.” And then he turned, going deeper and deeper into the water until he was completely consumed. Valarie watched him go, slowly sinking down to the ground. She was unable to hold herself up any longer.
Hadan…
I sat up, soft cries echoing throughout the candle lite room. My face was damp, and I tried to wipe the tears away, but was unable.
“Lavena, pet, what is the matter?” My mother said, wrapping her strong arms around me. I cuddled closer to her, letting my tears fall freely.
“The ocean. It is weeping mother. It is so lonely.” A pained look flashed across mother’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared.
“The ocean is always lonely little one, it is it’s gift as well as it’s curse.”
“I don’t, I don’t want it to be lonely any more. It, it hurts too much.” Mother pulled me closer, as if her arms could block all the pain.
“Not much longer little one. You will not be lonely much longer.”
As the vision faded, Valarie realized she’d been crying. It had all felt so real; it was almost as if her mother was still there, Valarie had to force herself not to look behind her to check. And the pain. Valarie had never felt anything like that. The emotion had become physical, a yearning that seemed to crush her chest with its weight.
“Val, there you are! I knew you’d be down here. You have to get back to the house. Your dad and Linette are freaking out. But, on a brighter side, your absence made it possible for Ryan to escape Amy’s clutches, so he’s looking for you too.” Valarie wiped at her eyes, thankful for the dark that prevented Taylor from seeing she’d been crying.
“Sorry about that, I didn’t realize how long I’d been out.” Taylor rolled her eyes.
“Don’t tell me you're sorry, you gave me the perfect opportunity to get out of there. It was really getting awkward. Amy was literally throwing herself all over Ryan. It was kind of gross. Your dad’s the one who’s pissed.” Valarie sighed. Yeah, that sounded just like her dad.
“Well, I better get back home before he calls the police or something.” Valarie sighed. Taylor nodded, then turned and led the way. Valarie followed suite, stopping only at the edge of the beach. She glanced back over her shoulder at the dark water, yearning to leap in and find Hadan among those black waves.
He’s somewhere out there.
Alone.
“Are you comin’?” Taylor said, realizing she had stopped. Valarie nodded turning and walking beside her friend.
"So what were you doing all that time?” Taylor asked after a moment. Valarie smiled to herself, mentally shaking off the dreary cloud that had fallen upon her.
“Oh nothing, just getting to know an old friend.”
Last edited by FadingBrighter on Sat Aug 06, 2011 12:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
“Omnia mutantur, nihil interit (everything changes, nothing perishes).”
― Ovid, Metamorphoses




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Tada! the much awaited fifth chapter! Bring out the marching band!

Just kidding. The truth is, i started the story from the beginning. I have no idea where it's going to go, let alone how it will end up. If you have any suggestions plot-wise, TELL ME! i could always use the help!

Hope you enjoy!
“Omnia mutantur, nihil interit (everything changes, nothing perishes).”
― Ovid, Metamorphoses




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Great! We get a tad bit more about the mystery man (which is mostly just him being a lovable jerk and giving cryptic hints and statements), we get a snippet about her mother(!), and a possible different identity (Lavena?!).
First, I think you have a bit of a transfer from word onto the site problem. The story starts, and then about a quarter down the page, Chapter 5 starts over. It happens again about halfway down the page,and then it finishes the chapter normally. This section is about here when it happens both times:
His skin was cool to the touch, not like ice. More like a fall breeze: crisp, cool, and refreshing.

Different.

The man before her was impossible. Impossible looks, impossible clothes, even impossible skin. He was unreal.

Chapter 5

Valarie froze, her entire body growing ice cold

No, it can’t be. He doesn’t… he can’t possibly…

Some punctuation/grammer:
“Val, there you are! I knew you’d be down here. You have to back to the house.

You're missing a word here, between to and back. Maybe get? Or hurry?

“Don’t tell me your sorry, you gave me the perfect opportunity to get out of there.

You're not your.

Valarie followed suite, stopping only at the edge of the beach.

Suit not suite.

“You are comin’?” Taylor said, realizing she had stopped.

What Taylor says sounds a but awkward outloud, structure-wise. Unless you meant to stress the 'are" a in "You are comin'?" If so, it's fine. If not, I think it would sound more natural as "You comin'?" or "Are you comin'?"

Before he steps out of the water, maybe when you're describing him at the beginning of the chapter, you should mention something about his clothes. For some reason, I pictured him shirtless and got a bit confused when you mentioned clothes. The clothes are a really nice touch, though. Especially since they aren't wet. Very mysterious. Also, the fact that he has legs instead of a fish tail? Very unexpected! I love it!

Oh, and I just realized that he has a name now. So I can actually call him a proper name. Hadan. I like it. Especially since it means "heather covered hill" and he lives (maybe) in the ocean.

I think you should keep Valarie's vision as third person, like the rest of the story. To go from someone else narrating the story, to her speaking directly to me, was a bit disorienting. But, maybe it's like that for a reason, so feel free to keep it as is.

Another awesome chapter! You said you wanted suggestions? *evil smile* You asked for it. I want Valarie to fall in love with Hadan and him turn out to be evil and using her and then I want valarie to end up with Ryan. Which is a kind of really messed up suggestion, but I have a soft spot for villans. Anyway, I will be more than happy with whatever you want to do with the story, so if you don't like my suggestion, ignore it. Seriously, write it how you want, and don't pay any attention to the dark side (aka me) telling you to do otherwise. ^^

Oh, and I know I always correct all the grammer and punctuation and I just wanted to tell you not to sweat it. I make those mistakes all the time!




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I read the story from the beginning and was so happy when I finally saw the fifth chapter! Amazing(:
I Know I Can Wish Upon A Star But My Past Is My Past, And That Includes Last Night And Yesterday.




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Very cool! I liked this chapter best :)

'The ocean. It is weeping mother. It is so lonely.” A pained look flashed across mother’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared.'

That part was very good!

Keep writing!
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again'

'Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar. I wonder if she's feeling well.
With a dreamy far off look.
And her nose stuck in a book' Something my best friend, Drew, said about me



My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.
— A.A. Milne