Office Beauty (150 words)

Nutty · 2011-08-05T10:15:54Z

Susan stared into the mirror. Wearing just her underwear, her body was goose bumped in the morning air. She’d work and they’d leer; “You’re beautiful, stay that way”, trapping her as a glittering bird to decorate their office. Each day she took care to paint her lips the colour of fire hydrants, her skin coloured to milk. She’d learned a smile that hid the frustration so the make-up wouldn’t crack; no-one was interested in what lay underneath. Short tight skirts drew attention, even if her work went unnoticed her legs would not. Susan of thought the day ahead and grimaced. Her hand swept over the table, painting the floor the colours of her face. She nodded once, stepping over the mess to her husband’s dresser. Today Susan would wear pants; loose, unflattering pants. She wouldn’t wear makeup, or be decorative, she'd work. I’ll be me. They’ll notice me. Hey guys! This is a piece I wrote for the 150 words contest, and any critiques are welcome! My topic was "challenging gender roles", and I've been watching far too much Mad Men, so... here we are! Rip it to bits. ;)

I like this. I think you have captured the feeling, the scrutiny well. I think the other reviewers have covered all the minor stuff, and you must have amended the work, because I didn't see anything glaring. I think the last two lines could be better, I was excited about how this would end, then a little disappointed. You have in a way taken the default option. You show us the thoughts so we can't misinterpret the conclusion, but you could show us, and in a way you have shown us with the earlier prose. I was thinking something like

And that is where Darling became miss.

Actually that's terrible, but you get what I mean. Maybe play upon the fact they hadn't actually met her.

That is when the office lost sweety and met Julie

Okay they are getting worse

I think the idea you close with is neat and lovely but I don't like how it comes across. And, it seems, I can't come up with anything better so perhaps leave it./waffle

Anyway good luck and thanks for the lovely, insightful read. Good luck.

P.S - One last thing, the title is dismal. That is the one thing I noticed, it is far too literal and doesn't really play upon and deeper ideas. I think 'Meet Kate' or something might work and tie in with the conclusion.

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